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Original poster

Life after Divorce

220 replies

Tulip55 · 17/12/2020 10:56

Just looking for some reassuring stories from women after divorce. I will likely be moving into my own place next month with the kids, and have never lived without a partner before. I go from being excited and feeling like I am very capable...to then being so terrified and worried I won't cope. I lay awake at night worrying about it.

OP posts:
andalone · 30/12/2020 22:03

@weemacmum Glad you are out of that situation. It sounds horrific.
I managed to sort the wire spaghetti behind the TV today. No idea what they all do but at least I know what joins to what now......Grin

BaskingMad · 30/12/2020 23:41

@Febo24, the moving day sounds rough. I’m glad you got through it and coped with it. Cleaning the kitchen is so me, so therapeutic.

My Dh is going tomorrow. Change of plan is he is moving in with his elderly mom instead of renting somewhere. Me and her get on fine. He wants to save money that way and spend it on his business instead of renting (business which was a final straw that pushed me to divorce him)- i’m so relieved i’m not part of that shitshow anymore.

He was pretty awful and inpatient with me and especially DS all evening, i guess he is stressed. He was packing in our bedroom whilst i was putting DD to bed and smashed the lightswitch- looks like he punched it. Wires exposed etc, he’s taped it over and is returning to fix it tomorrow. It’s my house now but i’m biting my tongue and keeping my temper in check until he’s properly gone.

Dreading tomorrow as we still haven’t told DD who is 6 and it really needs to be done and he is not going to do it so it will be me...

It’s my birthday today and as my sister said, so many things are happening- brexit, marriage exit, covid... things can only get better.

BaskingMad · 30/12/2020 23:50

@Emerald4512 and @pinktophat - we need stories like yours, they give us hope. Well done to you and we will hopefully get to the point where you are right now. Cheers to that. I wouldn’t be going through a divorce if i didn’t believe there’s a better way of living than this.

Febo24 · 31/12/2020 08:03

@BaskingMad good luck. We drip fed the kids over a period of time, not especially by design but it just happened that way. But now we're all really living it, of course it feels a bit different and real. I had them back last night for the first time in the house without him and we all had a good cry. The other house is all new and novelty, but this house is the same but missing things and that hit them. But we all cried in one big heap, and then started giggling and then we talked about how good it was to cry.

I'm getting caught out with things, like thinking 'he'll eat that', I guess that'll settle.

And things are good between us, I'm not holding a grudge about anything, I see how important it is to have a good relationship for the girls. I still know he's messed up, but that's his cross to bear, but being good co-patents is now the goal.

Raver84 · 31/12/2020 09:07

Great thread may I join? I've my nisi and we are still living together it's utter shit and I ate every minute of it house is going on market in Jan the hopefully I can buy a smaller place for me and kids.
It nice to know my feelings of fear, anger, hurt, upset and excitement are all normal. Great to hear that people have come out other side happy and enjoying life. Had the worst Xmas ever let's all hope for a better 2021 x

HereIAmOnceAgain · 31/12/2020 09:23

Christmas this year felt so sad. Last Christmas I was thinking it would be our last Christmas together, feeling relieved at that idea, feeling so angry at DH for his horrible behaviour in 2019. The anger helped get me through, but then 2020 happened. And now 12 months later back here waiting to end it again, trying to take little steps to get my ducks in a row, except I just feel sad and overwhelmed this time.

ThisTooShallBe · 31/12/2020 12:41

I can’t link YouTube videos but re car buying and anything financial, I really recommend Martin Lewis Money Saving Expert. So down to earth and stnsible

ThisTooShallBe · 31/12/2020 12:41

*sensible

havecourage8bekind · 31/12/2020 16:43

I hope 2021 is our year, ladies!

secrettwitcher · 31/12/2020 16:44

It's hit the fan here today which is no surprise. He's walking round minus his wedding ring, apparently in a symbolic way.. the green light I was waiting for 🙏

secrettwitcher · 31/12/2020 16:44

@havecourage8bekind absolutely! Here's hoping

StuckInPollyannaMode · 31/12/2020 17:35

Here’s to the end of 2020, a year I will quite happily see the back of.

Thisorthatwhoknows · 31/12/2020 22:12

Yes here's to a happier year ladies! X

andalone · 01/01/2021 01:41

The end of 2020 is definitely a good thing in this house.. 2021 can't get much worse. Onwards and upwards ladies!

BaskingMad · 01/01/2021 11:36

Happy New Year to all of us, we’ll get there.

Last night he left, we spent the eve with his mum who is elderly and in our support bubble. Was strange returning with kids home alone, i caught myself thinking ‘where’s his car, he’s not at home?’ as i was approaching the driveway. I left lighs and heating on so at least we walked into warm lit house and it was ok.

Today it is becoming real, i am here alone, it is done. Weird mix of emotions - slight worry and also excitement in a way. Like i’m on a rollercoaster and the only way to get through it is to hold on tight for now whilst we’ll go through sharp bends ups and downs (i don’t like rollercoasters).

Need to be kind and look after myself, i tend to neglect myself but it is so dawning on me that my kid’s wellbeing is so dependent on mine...

secrettwitcher · 01/01/2021 14:44

@BaskingMad good way to start the new year. I guess it's just one day at a time, watch the programmes you want to watch, soak in the bath and eat cheese and biscuits in the evening as you wish! I've actually had a taste of being a single parent as my H worked away for 18 months a couple of years back. In was shell shocked at first but I soon became very independent much to his surprise. I'm not afraid to be alone now, I'm scared about finances more than anything. Was the new business the tipping point? My H is a business owner (albeit an absolutely sh*t one)..!

Thisorthatwhoknows · 01/01/2021 15:59

@BaskingMad I hope you're ok today. It sounds like you've done the hardest part. I had a very emotional day yesterday after I asked DH to separate. There was a much needed and overdue conversation about how we felt. He finally admitted he doesn't like the person I am now and wouldn't marry this version of me. He resents my change in job a few years ago and reduced income (despite doing it to look after the children and alleviate pressure on his as primary bread winner). I agree. I love the old him. It's taken me a long time to accept this. He wants to try marriage counselling but I don't see how it can help. There is so much to overcome and I'm exhausted.

He is refusing to leave the house which is making me feel like I have no option but to file for divorce as I have no means to leave financially otherwise.

BaskingMad · 01/01/2021 16:52

@secrettwitcher, we had a number of issues running over the years with most of them affecting me emotionally (porn, lack of intimacy and affection, little help around the house). He was earning well though so none of that seemed enough to divorce and put us in financial jeopardy. His business was last straw as he was out of work building it up and promising that if needed he will take up any job going to keep us afloat. That point came and went and he was refusing to have proper conversation about finances and how are we going to pay for x y z. I felt it was all crumbling and because of zero relationship between us i filed for divorce. Will be applying for absolute in about 2 weeks from now. It’s all done and i feel back in control financially and the constant worrying is gone(well, fingers crossed i will keep my job).
Was your dh’s business cause of your split?

@Thisorthatwhoknows, im fine, thank you. How are you doing today. It doesn’t sound right that your dh is resentful about reduced income when it was a joint decision from the start.

One thing i’m realising very clearly and will be imprinting on my kids is that aspiration should be independent and self sufficient no matter what. I didn’t plan to get divorced and none of us did-i hope mu kids will grow up stronger and wiser re what life can throw at us. They need to be prepared..

secrettwitcher · 02/01/2021 18:01

@BaskingMad sadly not split yet.! I've had the conversation twice now and was met with a frosty response so he's not going to leave quietly - I suspected this. He worked away and I discovered was pretty much living a double life. Got rumbled and shamefully sacked. My world came crashing in, I stupidly thought I could forgive and forget. I can't and I've actually done more damage to my own mental health trying to do so.. it's a big mess and I'm intertwined with the company. He works and works and I see no benefit because he's knee deep in unfinished projects .. 10 years on I see the pattern crystal clear, piles of paperwork surrounding him and complete disorganised chaos! I can't take much more 😔

weemacmum · 07/01/2021 20:00

Checking in ladies...

How are you all and how, if at all, is the ruddy lockdown affecting you all?

havecourage8bekind · 08/01/2021 10:30

Hey! Still here and hanging on. Lockdown driving me crazy but what can we do! How are you?

Thisorthatwhoknows · 09/01/2021 07:35

Still here! Lockdown was a bit of a blow but I'm adjusting. DH and I have agreed to get divorced. The relief is immense. We're actually getting on better?! We've decided to live in the same house till everything is sorted. I think he will flip his lid though when he realises I'm likely to get 70% equity as I'm a low income key worker who will be primary carer for the children.

havecourage8bekind · 16/01/2021 11:35

Hope you're doing ok ladies x

WhisperingJesse · 16/01/2021 13:47

I got so behind with this thread and I'm just catching up now. I've got up to Christmas Day so far! The rental I went to see on 5th Jan was lovely but doesn't accept pets, so that was the end of that (the dog is what's keeping me and my teens relatively sane!). Though having said that 16yo DD attempted suicide last Monday so that's very scary and makes me second guess everything and is obviously taking most of my attention at the moment. But please let's keep this going - I need this thread!

Balzac20 · 16/01/2021 15:56

I’d like to join! Found out three months ago my husband has been using prostitutes, thanks to MN I had the strength to end it. He’s still living in the family home while he buys somewhere else. We’re getting the nisi in a couple of weeks.
I’m buying him out of the house and am loving planning how I’m going to completely change it from top to bottom. This week I got a new extractor fan fitted in the bathroom and repainted the ceiling, absolutely delighted with myself!
We’re going to do 50:50 childcare and I’m expecting it to be very strange not seeing my DS every day but I’m really going to try and make the most of the time to myself.
It’s been inspiring reading the stories of people who are several years out, thank you. We can do this !