Life after Divorce

[Tulip55]

Just looking for some reassuring stories from women after divorce. I will likely be moving into my own place next month with the kids, and have never lived without a partner before. I go from being excited and feeling like I am very capable...to then being so terrified and worried I won't cope. I lay awake at night worrying about it.

4 1/2 years since splitting up with my ExH. Over a year divorced.
I'm sat here with a glass of wine on the go, listening to music on the player. TV remote control handy. I can have wine and then eat whenever I want, sometimes from the pan!

Im also so much better off financially and now have 4 wardrobes full of clothes and more vibrators than I know what to do with!

I'm dating, but Im also past the point of being needy to find someone as I've realised that I I'm quite happy by myself.

I have been abroad with my exH and our DD this year and he's coming for Christmas dinner. But, then I can send him home!

@Tulip55 that doesn't sound like a landlord I'd like to rent from. A stingy landlord can have a real negative effect on your life.

@Fantasisa thanks. I think I need to feel it to process it and move forward too. But the whole situation, 3 little kids, 2 SN, me very sick (chronic illness) and having to do everything for them, second guessing myself because I have zero self confidence, it just got completely overwhelming. So now Im on antidepressants to cope, which is a sad inditment of my marriage and life. So I can't fully feel what I'm feeling but I can at least start take little steps towards separation.

@HereIAmOnceAgain I know you are right but its a bitter pill to swallow as there are no other options available right now. Thing is its for the best as if I wait I can save more and kit a house out better. Stbxh is not happy though. But we are in tier 4 now anyway so we are likely to be stuck like this fir a while

6 months since splitting, divorce filed last week - apparently I'm unreasonable . We're in rented at the moment, haven't decorated as am hoping to buy once finances are sorted but I have got lots of brightly coloured furniture after years of grey. Good days and bad days here, but I am finding that it's all generally calmer and more relaxed.

I’d like to join as well please.
I’m reading a book ‘Invisible women’ and it puts into words the resentment i’ve been feeling towards dh during our relationship about me putting in all the effort and time into cleaning etc whilst he was doing very little. I had cognitive dissonance about that for a long time as he is vocally pro feminist and always has encouraged me to pursue career etc but was deaf to my asks to do his fair share in the house. That feeling of rage and resentment has been lifted now. I do things for myself and kids and i’m happy that’s how it’s going to be going forward.

Just like you @HereIAmOnceAgain, it was too much for me to do it all and feel the resentment, it was costing me my mental health.

He always made it sound like getting the mortgage etc was complicated as he was in charge of that and the bills. Guess what, i’ve done all the buying him out process singlehandedly by myself. And it was a piece of piss. I’ve got mortgage broker, reviewed the offers and appointed solicitors to deal with it without his input. I can do this. Very empowering.

I’m also good at diy- ripped out a damaged bathroom wall, replaced, retiled, regrouted and resealed it whilst due to his lack of care we had leaks and damp issues before.
I have layed a patio myself as well- did all the measuring, material planning, sourcing and hiring of the equipment. Lovely proper job whereas before we had rats nesting under our shed.
I have decorated kids bedrooms in the past, hung wallpaper and painted - all done with love and attention to detail as he wasn’t interested.

I think i will be fine although there are still things i don’t know like our wifi. I’m confident i can handle that too.

I do need to focus on myself when hemoves out, been drinking and smoking a little too much in the whole process to escape the stress. And sleeping too little.

Merry Christmas to all you lovely ladies xxx

Merry Christmas ♀️🤶

Sending a 🤗. Perfectly normal feelings, dont feel bad about having them.

The kids and I have been living on our own for 18 months now. It is so much better in the sense the unbearable tension has gone. So we can relax and feel at home and safe.

The family house was sold and we moved to a flat.

Yes, I do worry about money and the future. Some days are tough. But try and take a day at a time.

Wishing you all the best for a new beginning.

Such a great, supportive thread, thank you for starting it @Tulip55 and really grateful for all the responses too - thank you all!

I'm not yet 'on the other side' and like everyone else in this challenging situation feel up and down and sometimes all over the place. We're mid-divorce (got decree nisi in September and in the process of finalising financial arrangements which we already agreed verbally). About to move house following a big renovation project. Find this last bit really hard - just ran out of all energy, patience and strength due to numerous delays with the renovation. I'm generally very fit but I am so run down now I'm a bit afraid to fall ill as well just due to lack of sleep and rest. Every new issue, however small, is just so overwhelming right now. Glad to have an enforced break today and just do nothing for a change, even if only for one day.

@WhisperingJesse - I also have a suicidal teenager (she's getting better thank God). That alone takes so much time and energy! Hope you're getting the support you need for yourself too. If not - keep looking - it's so hard to parent MH alone, it's so unpredictable and mind twisting!

Merry Christmas everyone. Lets hope next year is a happier one for us. Xx

Such a positive thread to read, particularly the bits about financial stability- that’s what really worries me. 23 days until I move and each and every one will be a battle.

But you’re all giving me hope! The practicalities don’t worry me so much as I do most of the DIY and bills etc. I fear I’ll be lonely and end up living in a pit if I can’t face tidying after a long day with the kids. Which is silly really, I keep our house perfectly nicely and have done for years.

Whoever said they checked the online banking about 5 times a day, that’ll be me!

Hi, I found Christmas Eve hard. I had to silence a few WhatsApps and stop scrolling through Facebook as I was having trouble seeing all the happy families and they're idilic Christmas Eves. Obviously I know from experience that it's all a bit of a facade/front on SM and I guess our previous posts might have made someone else feel sad.

We're a few days away from move day now, I'm just feeling flat really. Really miss my family. A bit over his family. I think I'm just so over everything I need him to go now.

Oh and I accidentally came across his search history on a shared device and he's been looking up dating sites. He's entitled to move on, but maybe just wait a couple of days, yeah?

Joining as will be in this camp in 2021. Petrified of finances, regret and getting on the rollercoaster that I expect will last a year of firsts at least

By the way I'm also dreading TV and Internet installation big time, so it's great to hear positive outcomes from others.

Hope is stronger than fear

Survived my first Christmas as a singleton and sharing the kids! All the ladies saying they dread TV installation....I managed it! I had to facetime a friends husband at one point but I did it I'm also checking my online banking 10 times a day, made me laugh when I read a PP does the same..

I used to be afraid to check my bank account (and of letters through the door), and now it is not scary and makes me feel good.

This has been encouraging to read. I’m three months in from husband walking out, but I have a toddler and 6 week old baby so processing it all is taking some time.

Can anyone point me in the direction of any information on buying someone out on the house? Do you need a big lump sum in the bank to do it? Guessing it’s not possible on maternity pay but maybe in the future?

@Mama8765 you need to have the house valued. Then you work out how you will split the equity- it isn't necessarily 50/50. I am remortgaging our house in order to raise the cash. But we are fairly amicable.

I would advise speaking to a solicitor, I got a free consultation with one to get the basics.

Also get advice from a mortgage broker, they don't charge until they apply for the mortgage for you.

@MotherForker thank you. I don’t think I would pass the affordability check to take the current mortgage on at the moment unfortunately, let alone remortgaging. He has said he is willing to pay half the mortgage until the youngest reaches 18 so maybe I have some time.

In which case get that agreed to legally. I think it's called a Mesher order. Or could be done through a financial consent order- I don't know that for sure.

@Mama8765, we had equity in the house so discussed and agreed on how much he’s happy to accept (it deviates from 50/50 in my favour). I then got a mortgage broker to see what is out there, to discuss finer details (e.g. early repayment charge) and what i can afford. Got an offer and my soon to be ex received a lump sum whilst i have taken on existing mortgage+the amount i bought him out for. All a bit terrifying really as it’s a lot of money to me.
In your case i think you could benefit from divorce lawyer’s advice since your ex is happy to pay half the mortgage. I’d start there if I was you.

@Mama8765 I'm in a similar position. My DH pays for the house as I look after the DCs and have a small part time job. I literally have no idea how I'm going to afford to buy him out the house but it would be cheaper than starting again. I'm speaking to a solicitor in Jan and have been looking into guarantor mortgages as my DP said they would help if they can.

My ex bought me out as I couldnt afford to buy him out. We agreed on how to split the equity between us (we’re on good terms but it was very difficult emotionally going through that process) . Once I knew that, I went to a mortgage advisor who told me in which price range I should be looking. I found a house and had an offer accepted. While that was progressing, my ex started proceedings with his solicitor and mortgage advisor so I could be taken off the mortgage, land registry and arrange for the equity to be transferred to me. It was pretty straight forward and just required me to have an appointment with my solicitor so they could witness the papers being signed. The money was in my account within a couple of weeks.

I now have the money and my house should complete in January.

It was EXTREMELY daunting but I found a fantastic mortgage advisor who took the stress out of it all and did lots of the communication with the estate agents and solicitors. And o& course they did the mortgage application and all the chasing that involved.

I’m looking forward to my own place but yep, I’m super intimidated about getting the internet and tv sorted 😆.

re internet, and lots of other stuff actually, I like the Martin Lewis Money Saving Expert website, which explains financial-ey stuff. I used the comparison website to work out which broadband I needed (other comparison sites are available ), and also to check that the electricity offer via the letting agents was as good a deal as it looked.

re TV, I bought a cheap smart TV and just watch stuff via the apps, the only one you can't watch live is channel 4 (I think) so i needed my tablet for bakeoff. It wasn't nearly as daunting as it could have been, I just sat and had a think about what I actually watched, and realised that I could save at least £50 a month by not having BT sport and the like. And then looked at what I needed to watch the things I watched, which turned out to be a smart TV and no actual TV package.