Life after Divorce

[Tulip55]

Just looking for some reassuring stories from women after divorce. I will likely be moving into my own place next month with the kids, and have never lived without a partner before. I go from being excited and feeling like I am very capable...to then being so terrified and worried I won't cope. I lay awake at night worrying about it.

Been on my own for nearly three years now. The break is hard but so worth it. Reading gas and electric meter; council tax stuff was daunting for me but you soon get the hang of it. Owning your own house is liberating and so glad I did it. There’s always help out there for everything.

@MyVisionsComeFromScent

re internet, and lots of other stuff actually, I like the Martin Lewis Money Saving Expert website, which explains financial-ey stuff. I used the comparison website to work out which broadband I needed (other comparison sites are available ), and also to check that the electricity offer via the letting agents was as good a deal as it looked.

re TV, I bought a cheap smart TV and just watch stuff via the apps, the only one you can't watch live is channel 4 (I think) so i needed my tablet for bakeoff. It wasn't nearly as daunting as it could have been, I just sat and had a think about what I actually watched, and realised that I could save at least £50 a month by not having BT sport and the like. And then looked at what I needed to watch the things I watched, which turned out to be a smart TV and no actual TV package.

Thank you, great tip. Knowing when to switch gas and electric supplier to get the best deal, fries my brain too. I guess he covers that too.

Thank you @Classicbrunette that's so encouraging.

@MyVisionsComeFromScent - I am also getting smart TV (no live TV, and no TV license). Luckily my teenagers agree! So yes will be saving money in that sense. What intimidates me is all the wires and how to connect stuff. I know it's probably silly and it will all work out one way or another, but the pressure comes from providing as good a home for kids as before, or better, not from my own TV needs (I don't have any!)

I've just found a deal for £35pm for TV, internet & SIM card with virgin media. My original plan was to stick with smart TV but my young kids are NOT impressed

This is a great support thread! I'm still in the I've decided I want out of the marriage but how the hell do I go about having that conversation, my H is none the wiser! Long story short something resurfaced from a few years back that made me realise there were even more lies than I was aware of! Even though technically we had moved past this, I feel like finding new lies has put the nail in the coffin. Aside from that I asked for one thing for Xmas, for some pictures to be put up on the walls. Has it been done? Of course not.

Strangely I know exactly how I can live solo with DS as we've done it before as me and H lived apart for a while due to work. What scares me is the conversation and how he'll try and talk me round like always.

Just remember you don't owe him explanations. Just refuse to engage in conversation about it or repeat that you want a divorce.

@amy2021 that first step is absolutely the hardest part, no doubt about it! I found that Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay book helped me to clarify my own thinking. Once you're sure in your own head, you'll find a way to talk about it.

@amy2021 'What scares me is the conversation and how he'll try and talk me round like always.'
Me too. He's done that in the past. My mistake then was trying to justify why, then he twists it all around to be me. Next time, no reasons 'our relationship is toxic and I'm done,' rince and repeat. If he pushes and I feel overwhelmed I have a short paragraph written down about how I can't get over what he did last year, that I can't trust him anymore and I don't want to try. I'm hoping he's done too, but whether he is or not I have to hold to that line, our marriage is toxic and its over.

@HereIAmOnceAgain yes I think that's it, there is too much toxic shit in the relationship for it to continue. I shouldn't have to be thinking about what's on his phone all the time. I shouldn't have to wonder on a night out (when we get those again) if the girl he is chatting to is just a friend or if she is under the impression he's single!

Need some advice, my stbxh is bad mouthing me to the kids and changing his mind about what we are doing constantly. Hes all over the place! I was meant to be renting for 2 years before we sell, then he said he was definitely buying me out, then we are selling in April and he's moving into his mums until then, now he wants us to come and go from the house so we only stay there on days we have kids, but he's also told the kids he's going to live an a canal boat and I dont deserve the house I dont know wether I'm coming or going, its driving me mad. Im just trying to save for a deposit and rent etc but he says I am not moving fast enough.

I think you need to tell him that he needs to be acting in the best interests of the dc. All conversations like that need to happen away from them. So taking you and him out of the situation what would best for dc?

You could go to mediation to have these conversations and then it is relatively binding.

Speak to a lawyer, Tulip55, and decide what you want to happen/what is best for you and the dc, not what Mr Chop&ChangeTryingtoDominate says. It's not just up to him and if he can't put the dc's interests above his own ego, then it needs to be taken out of his hands. Also speak to the lawyer about his attempts at parental alienation.

I am worried if I fight him down the legal route it will be worse for the kids. If he's saying the odd thing to them here and there now, imagine what he will be saying to them if I go through a solicitor. That's my main concern right now, I want to be amicable for the kids but its becoming impossible. I did speak to a solicitor before and he was very cut throat, was pushing me to go for the house and full custody and that's not what I want...it put me off a bit.

Thing is, going kidgloves doesn't necessarily work either. You might end up placating him at your own (and the dc's expense), dragging this thing out endlessly and still getting tons of crap and bitterness from him.

I have a feeling your ex was emotionally abusive towards you? An abusive man absolutely will use every weapon against you as you try to split. You can't be amicable with someone who is determined to treat you as the enemy. Trying to will just seem like weakness to him, which he will exploit. If I've got the wrong person, sorry, but if not - you can't reason with the unreasonable. You've already given him a million chances to be that while you were together - splitting is not going to be the moment he changes towards you.

Yes he was emotionally abusive. I just keep hoping he will see sense and do the right thing for the kids, he loves them so much. I have just asked him to stay at his mums until I find somewhere to rent and then he can buy me out in 2 years time, i told him we will have to pay for a separation agreement so he can't keep changing his mind. Will wait and see what reply I get.

amy2021 I couldn’t have the conversation with exh. Words literally stuck in my throat if I tried. So I just left. Said I was going shopping and I never went back home. I left a note on the kitchen table. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. But he texted me saying he understood and we met up a few weeks later to discuss divorce.

OP you really need to take legal advice. You are so vulnerable right now and he is bullying you.

OP can you find a less cutthroat lawyer then?

@Classicbrunette I've begun the conversation today. I wouldn't be physically able to just leave unfortunately and we have a child so can't just cut the cord (I did that with my first husband, much simpler). He just doesn't seem to think we can't work on it, not realising I've been working on it for years now.

His immediate response was is there someone else, cuz that would be the only reason to leave!!! I almost wish there was as it might make this easier.

I had no kids when I moved out after splitting with my ex and I worried about being on my own. But after I had my furniture in and carpets etc I felt a lot better. It was my own house and I could do what I wanted. It was great.

Then dp moved in and we had dd and even now I still crave alone time again.

hi all, thank you OP for starting this thread, I am so sorry to read of everything you are going through right now, I have no advice to give other than support and sending you virtual hugs.
This post couldn't come at a better time for me, to read about all your inspirational experiences leaving someone and starting again has given me the courage to do the same very very soon.

I have been in a relationship for the last 12 years. I am from the UK but live in Australia. In January this year I decided I was going to leave my partner, we weren't on the same page goal wise, I was living a life by myself basically, he showed no interest in spending time with me, wanting to go on holiday, buying a house, moving on in life together etc. So I had a plan I was going to leave him and buy a small apartment and move on in life, he knew this and so did his family. Then COVID hit, and those plans I had fell by the way side. We have continued to live in the same house, even though we were separated, with lots of boundaries it has worked out ok. He told me his family had been told we were supporting each other through this time until the COVID situation ended. At one point we were in lockdown for over 3 months, but we got through it ok. Anyway, christmas rolls around, he announces he is going to spend the whole time at his sisters with the rest of his family, he is away until the 3rd January. However, I am experiencing some real anxiety over the fact that not one member of his family has got in touch with me over the Christmas holiday. For the last 12 years I have spent every xmas with them, properly contributing to the day, cooking, buying presents etc. They know I have no family here, and that I will be spending the whole time on my own (albeit with my dog thank god), but I can't get my head around the fact that I have just been completely excluded. I had a long term relationship prior to this one, and my ex's mum still sends me a xmas card. So, although I have been told by my current ex that he has told his family we are supporting each other to make this break up as amicable as possible, I can't help but feel he is lying so he can have things his way. I remember when his brother split up from his partner, she still attended the family xmas meal the first year they split up, but they have two kids, so maybe that's the difference? Am I completely living on another planet expecting them to acknowledge me at Xmas, do I need to wind my neck in!?

If I could just up and leave I would have gone a long time ago. Unfortunately DC and the way benefits are structured here mean I'll have to seperate under one roof which I'm dreading.

@Tulip55 if he was capable of being reasonable and listening you probably wouldn't be seperating. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. He might love the kids, but they're not his priority. He wouldn't be behaving this way if he was putting DC first. I think mediation might potentially be a good idea. Where I live you can do shuttle mediation where you're in separate rooms and the mediator goes between you both. This reduces his chances to bully and emotionally abuse you. He's not going to change and no matter how amicable you are he still won't think it's enough, he'll still bully and emotionally abuse you and drag the kids into it. Friends emotionally abusive EX is still using the kids that way and he's the one that had a long affair and chose to divorce her even when she was willing to forgive and forget. These men never change and no matter how much they love their kids it's still all about them. You will be the only one putting DC first in this. And you need strong boundaries going forward because the odds are he'll carry on behaving the same way even after divorce is final and everythings sorted.

Sorry I'm not sure how my speel landed up here, I've asked MN to remove it.