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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Life after Divorce

220 replies

Tulip55 · 17/12/2020 10:56

Just looking for some reassuring stories from women after divorce. I will likely be moving into my own place next month with the kids, and have never lived without a partner before. I go from being excited and feeling like I am very capable...to then being so terrified and worried I won't cope. I lay awake at night worrying about it.

OP posts:
Fantasisa · 19/12/2020 00:47

I think anger will come for me and probably you too, it powers you through other stages. And I keep telling myself I'm sad because it IS sad. The marriage and him and this life we built together mattered to me and I have invested in it for 15 years so of course I'm going to be sad it is over and not as I planned. I've decided I need to feel the pain to be able to move on. Or that is what I'm telling myself today!

Fantasisa · 19/12/2020 00:47

@HereIAmOnceAgain that reply was to you!

Original poster
Tulip55 · 19/12/2020 06:54

All these posts are so wonderful to read! I cant wait to see what my life looks like a year or 2 down the line.
I know I have made the right decision, just feel stuck in limbo right now with Christmas and trying to find a place to rent.
I found a decent sized house in a nice area but its a bit rough inside, needs painting all upstairs, 2 of the kitchen cabinets are peeling at the corner...i am being pressured by stbxh to leave ASAP and I really don't know wether to just go for it or not. If I don't take this one I could be stuck til Feb at earliest as not much is coming up in the area 😩

OP posts:
Febo24 · 19/12/2020 07:12

I completely know what you mean about the anger. All through this nightmare ive kept my head, he could easily have been asked to leave the day I found him out. In some ways i think my calmness led to him not quite getting what the problem was as I wasn't chucking plates at his head. I have been shouty at times but he's kind of escaped the drama.

@Tulip55 is the rental somewhere you'd like to stay otherwise? Can you ask the agent or landlord to fix the cupboards or ask if you are allowed to decorate? If you can see yourself there for a while and it's a little rough around the edges, then you could see it as a project to chip away at (within reason, it's still a rental) and make it your own. My STBXH is going to rent and the agent said he can decorate as long as it's left or returned to a rentable state afterwards (so if you want black walls, have black walls but make them marigold before you leave!).

Febo24 · 19/12/2020 07:31

Can I also say thanks to those who advised against rushing into OLD, it's like you read my mind. I was just in the thinking stages of it, but it was definitely from a place of insecurity and fear of lonliness/ seeking affection.

I also fancy this single dad at the school and was starting to wonder if I should do something like give him my number, but this has given me a little more clarity of thought that really, now is not the time and if it's mutual I would ideally like him to make a move as well. I think the thought of it might have been better than the reality! If that's meant to be, it will be. I need to focus on me and the kids and I'll just continue to enjoy getting to know him and saying hello.

WhisperingJesse · 19/12/2020 08:15

I've also found this thread useful. I have an appointment to look at a rental place on 5th Jan. I so relate to feeling paralysed by fear though. My DD does her GCSEs in the summer and already has mental health issues and has attempted suicide, and I know she doesn't want us to split up. This is all awful timing, but this has been the longest slowest most agonising breakdown of a marriage ever and I'm desperate to get out.

Original poster
Tulip55 · 19/12/2020 08:43

@Febo24 I like the area and I think I could make any house a home. I just think the landlord could have made more of an effort sprucing it up before taking viewings... and that makes me worry about if something breaks, will it be fixed quickly and properly. Also our house has been renovated completely and is lovely, I dont want the kids to not like my house

OP posts:
Febo24 · 19/12/2020 09:32

Is it through an agency?

Purplepant · 19/12/2020 09:43

Hi- this is a brilliant thread! I left my husband after lots of heartache- I hated who I was becoming- bad tempered and generally miserable. I'll not lie it was hard and for the first few weeks there's was lots of tears and thoughts of going back- sometimes it's easier to stay with what you know than venture into the unknown! Anyhow- I love the fact that I'm looking after myself- no picking up things off the floor- listening to him go to the loo.. waiting for me to come in to sort his tea out although he does shorter hours and has a less stress full job- I moved into a rented flat and I love it! No tiptoeing around when the footies on- I can have all the things I like wether it be food or 'housey' stuff..I think we're programmed to 'have' someone there- my grown up kids say I'm happier than I have been for years and I love coming home and closing my front door behind me putting my feet up and not having to worry about rushing about after him- money wise I'm better off although it was a struggle at first- embrace it ladies it does indeed get better! xx

VivaMiltonKeynes · 19/12/2020 09:49

[quote Fantasisa]@WT56 - Top tip. It may also make us go running back to our exes when we see what is waiting!

What do people do about social media? I don't post much on FB for example but how do you manage that if things are amicable with STBXH? I don't want to see what he is up to (I know I can unfollow but I might want to peek) and I don't want him to be able to see me. What do people normally do? It feels much more complicated than my pre-social media break up.[/quote]
My H's ex wife has blocked him from posts which don't involve the kids but has remained "friends" due to the kids I guess . He only found out by his sister commenting on something she had posted .He doesn't post so it's not a concern for him.

willowmelangell · 19/12/2020 10:04

The whole divorce was worth not having the Grand Prix on and being forced to listen to Leonard Cohen.
No more getting woken up with his alarm and then hearing the snooze button 6 times. Bliss.
I can cook with spices. There is money in the bank at the end of the month because I am not helping fund his 6 nights a week in the pub.
No tension or bickering. The tv remote is mine.

I can have friends round. And on and on.

Br85 · 19/12/2020 10:41

Relationships are completely overrated for me.

Thankssomuch · 19/12/2020 10:44

I’ve been divorced twice and it turned out brilliantly both times. Never regretted divorcing, and it’s fantastic to live your own life again.

TheWindowDonkey · 19/12/2020 13:13

Havent had time to read the whole thread as I work evenings, but yes please to keeping this as a support thread. So many of us in the same boat. Tbh the only thing that scares me is money, or lack of it. I gave up my career to look after the kids and now earn minimum wage. Im lucky, its in a job I LOVE so im happy, but christ im going to be skint. Everything else I know I have the strength to handle.

Original poster
Tulip55 · 19/12/2020 13:18

@Febo24 yes its through an agent...but even when I was asking about having it cleaned as it was filthy in the kitchen cupboards the lady said yes we have our own cleaners but it all depends on what the landlord is willing to pay 😬

OP posts:
ThisTooShallBe · 19/12/2020 15:02

I enjoy being divorced so much I’m very reluctant indeed to get married again, although my partner asks me practically every day to marry him...

I love having the house to myself, decorated my way (a strongly recurring theme on this thread), I love my devoted dog, my choice of food, my temperature for the central heating...

I’m 5 years post-divorce. I no longer fear being dragged down by XH’s foolishness, I know what money is coming in and where it’s going, there is a place for everything and everything in its place. I’ve been defeated by the electric drill I bought myself, and I’ve had to admit I’m far too lazy to paint woodwork. But I have huge amounts of energy for clearing clutter and designing a proper garden, I have solid friends and an excellent relationship with my DC and DF. No contact with XH’s family and I’m not friends with XH on FB, but we are civil and kind to each other. I love him as the father of my children, I no longer have to hate him as my husband.

I tell you, divorced life is bloody fantastic!

MintyCedric · 19/12/2020 15:06

@ThisTooShallBe we'd make a great team...I'm a dab hand with a paintbrush and power tools but hate decluttering and gardening!

The decor thing is strange as most of the women I know in RL wore the trousers in that dept. I was ridden over roughshod by not only XH but his infernal bloody mother. As a result our home was half arsed mix of Victoria gentleman's club and Old Colonial.

This is my sitting room now Grin

Life after Divorce
ThisTooShallBe · 19/12/2020 15:16

@MintyCedric I did a double take then, my sitting room is painted an almost identical colour! It’s a deal. I warn you though, I had a decorator but he’s had a nervous breakdown and refuses to come any more. Almost sure it’s not my fault...

Original poster
Tulip55 · 19/12/2020 15:24

@MintyCedric I just bought a cuddle sofa like that!
My stbxh does all the decorating here as he is a tradesman. I am looking forward to doing things my way!

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 19/12/2020 15:44

@ThisTooShallBe haha. Tbf if you got him to do the red I don't blame him. I had it mixed to match the curtains which I bought from IKEA and it took 3 coats and nearly a hundred quids worth of paint to cover the magnolia!

It was worth it though...my mum was horrified at the idea but rapidly changed her tune when she saw it...I have a black feature wall in my dining room and my bedroom is deep purple.

Teenage DD refers to it as The House of Goth.

@Tulip55 enjoy...it's such a fabulous feeling. I left the marital home with 2 office chairs and a camping table so factored in equipping my house when I negotiated my divorce settlement. It might be a combo of IKEA, Argos and The Range, but getting it decorated and all the furniture bought/delivered/assembled was probably the most fun I've ever had!

ThisTooShallBe · 19/12/2020 16:02

Yes it was the same story here re the red. Totally worth it though, especially in the winter/at Christmas. The rest of the house is duck egg blue, so serene. The sitting room is where the passion is. My DC call it the Sex Dungeon 😂

ThisTooShallBe · 19/12/2020 16:03

Adult DC. Obvs.

Worriesandwobbles · 19/12/2020 16:05

Thanks for the thread, been an interesting read as am going through the same. I have decided to move into temporary rental after Christmas as my oh earns much more than me and pays more of the bills and the mortgage. My main concern is that the children will feel I am leaving them too (I can't afford to rent a 4 bedroom and they are teenagers so I feel they will want to stay in their own home more of the time than stay with me, I don't want to force them to choose) Don't have a long term plan just need a month breathing space, don't want to make him leave, but long term I would like to be in the family home with my children. So tricky.

MintyCedric · 19/12/2020 17:43

My DC call it the Sex Dungeon 😂

I'm still living in hope on that front...4.5 years later...Confused

joecormac · 19/12/2020 18:19

Just wanted to join - will sit and read whole thread tonight

Asked DH for a divorce just after end of first lockdown. He agreed - he does not like me or many other human beings for that matter. It's been a lonely 20 year relationship where I spend every mealtime and evening with the kids or on own.

Eldest is in year 11 and don't want to mess with her results. DSis is in middle of v difficult divorce so we have had to move slowly. Hoping to get it all done before July with me still living here before we tell the kids.

I've just drafted my application on the Gov website. Pressing send on Monday - partly because it's payday and partly because it would have been my mum's birthday.

Agreed to use Amicable as mediators. He's buying me out (we've agreed % of house and his pension). I'm v nervous about how to cope financially and with everything from broadband to broken toilets. Worried that the kids will gravitate more towards him because he will have 'home' but hopeful that his utter grumpiness will mean that they split their time between us.

Not sure how to work the kids' time - they will be 13 and 16 when we tell them. One week with me, one week with him?

No intention of using Online Dating. Friend's horror stories have completely put me up. Am just waiting to form a commune with all the women I love when we hit 65.