Life after Divorce

[Tulip55]

Just looking for some reassuring stories from women after divorce. I will likely be moving into my own place next month with the kids, and have never lived without a partner before. I go from being excited and feeling like I am very capable...to then being so terrified and worried I won't cope. I lay awake at night worrying about it.

Yes ofcourse, all welcome @StuckInPollyannaMode I'm sure I read your thread at some point, name rings a bell.
I need to get away from stbxh...I have had to stop talking to him in person and told him everything will have to be discussed in emails now as I just feel 10 times worse after a conversation with him. Last one consisted of him telling me I'm having some kind of early midlife crisis and I will regret this in 6 months time 😒

@Tulip55
I’m not sure I’m the best person to advise as I’m only a year out of a 20+ year marriage and really still finding my feet.
You’ll get used to being alone- arrange things and keep busy. Make your home your own. I love doing stuff/ buying things without having to consult with someone. It’s really fun getting your own choice all of the time!!

I’ve discovered im terrible at diy so for the most part , I just get a handyman in. It saves a lot of stress.

I’d say focus on you. I’m having to find myself. We were together since I was 15 so I didn’t know myself without him. I’m starting to like what I find. I’m working on being happy in myself before I even consider getting serious with someone again.
My ex on the other hand went straight into another relationship and (from the outside) seems unhappier now than he was when we were together. He’s not even given himself a chance to recover from the marriage breakdown or figure out what he wants from life.

I definitely don’t have it figured out. I take a day at a time and wobble a lot, but I am definitely moving forward.

Yes to learning how to repressurize your boiler/ radiators. Good luck with it all.

Hello, I'm in the same boat too. Coming up to 2 years living alone and I'm mostly fine but still have the odd wobble, usually when something breaks and I don't know what to do. Not having to consult anyone else when choosing paint colours, furniture, even the weekly grocery shop is very liberating. The downside is that you have to pay for it all yourself of course. Take baby steps at first, your confidence will grow.

Can I join in?

STBXH is moving out after Christmas, I'll stay in the house for now, he's renting.

All amicable despite him being the one who made the error in judgement.

I have always enjoyed my time alone and my single years, so I don't dread that so much. I'm also the DIYer. It's the companionship I'm dreading missing. Companionship in life, in parenting etc. His family are here, mine aren't and I'm acutely aware of that at the moment.

But I'm also excited and so looking forward to breathing out, unclenching, letting my shoulders relax down from my ears.... eating more veggie and vegan meals.... No more skid marks on the loo... less mess....

Coming up to 3 months solo and I bloody well love it. Honestly it’s just delicious.

Those who are renting, did you all speak to a solicitor first?

Another one hopping on.

We’ve been separated but living together for almost a year. He’s bought me out and I’m moving into my own house in the new year.

At first I was scared but through the house buying process, my confidence has soared. It’s been so empowering. I’m enjoying making all my own decisions and getting new stuff for the house. There seems to be a bit of a pink theme running!

We’re sharing the children 50/50 too which is going to be extremely strange but I know there will be a silver lining in there for me to enjoy too.

@Grittlelayrabbit

Coming up to 3 months solo and I bloody well love it. Honestly it’s just delicious.

Love this xx

Not there yet. But I've been doing things for myself I'd usually ask H to do sort of show myself I can do it on my own. Thanks to YouTube I worked out how to fix the washing machine, repair the door on the dishwasher and fix the lock on the front door. My mum taught me to use a drill, but haven't for years. I put up the new towel rails that have been waiting over 2 years to go up and put in new fire alarms which H also never got around to. I put the DCs new shelves together by myself, honestly less frustrating then listening to Hs escalating anger over how the flat pack is never quite right.

I want space and peace, I'm not afraid I'll be lonely, maybe down the track, right now I just want to feel safe and at peace. But I am worried for DC being without me, missing them and that H will be lonely and not cope. Which is stupid after everything he's put me through.

@BaublesAndGin @Monstermuncher thank you, its great to hear how far you have come in a year and two years...I know I will find it hard at first but hoping I will be in a better place a year from now.

@Febo24 my stbxh has a really close large family, mine are the opposite, im struggling with that too. He knows this and has cut me off from talking to them pretty much. And feeling those tense shoulders, mine seem to live permanently up by my ears at the moment lol.

@Grittlelayrabbit glad you are enjoying your freedom! I consulted 2 solicitors, leaving our home and renting will cause less animosity, so I sm doing it for the kids. They are looking forward to decorating their new rooms and exploring a new area.

@ChittyChittyBoomBoom a whole year staying in the house together must have been rough! I'm about a month in and its driving me crazy.
@HereIAmOnceAgain well done! I rented and drove a van for the first time recently to collect some sofas to store for my move, felt good!

Loving all of this advice and insight, and would echo all of it now I am over two years into the post-divorce world.

A PP used the word empowering and I really think this is true - also liberating as another PP said. The fact that all choices to do with how you live are your own - no consultation required - is so freeing.

I have the DC 50:50 and this has probably been the only truly daunting thing for me to deal with. However I am slowly getting used to it and make sure I fill my free time positively and focus on my well being in that time (and my social life pre-Covid). Then when I have the DC, I make sure they are my focus during that time.

In terms of dating, I have had a few dalliances but I’m stArting to feel as though I might never actually want to live with a man again - huge bed to myself, zero clutter (no CABLES and WIRES for random tech everywhere!), etc.

Also, I got cats after EXH left - game changer in terms of making the house feel a little less empty when DC are with their dad.

You can do this! Xx

Hello, i am in the same boat and absolutely terrified about him leaving and being on my own. Does the pain go away? I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that does not go away and i really dont think i can cope but i have to for the sake of DD who is 16.
Husband has been messaging/ talking /emailing other women on and off for 15 years that i know of(we've been married 22) . I cant take the lies anymore and have asked him to leave this weekend, im not 100% sure he will go but the sick /scared feeling is still there.

RubyRed, what exactly are you scared of? You have to name your fears in order to be able to see them off!

Split from waster husband 3yrs ago and dont regret a thing. Yes its been hard, but i am in a healthier, happier place without him.

I have been divorced 2 years now. I remember being terrified, I had been married 20 years and we met at 19. I’d never paid a bill on my own let alone made a single decision about the house or our lives ( part of the reason for the break up)
I remember feeling terrified but when I realised I could do it and not only that, I could do it better than he did, well I cannot describe the elation.
I feel like I became a proper adult and every aspect of my life grew and became better.
His meanwhile, somewhat crumbled without me being there. Now that I did not see coming.
Honestly, you are in for the best years of your life!

@PseuDenim when I see an empty beer can just left on the side or rubbish not put in the bin now, I think "won't have to put up with that anymore" lol

@RubyRed12 I'm sorry you have been treated like that, you deserve better!

@Pippioddstocking I suspect this is how things might go for me and ex. I used to feel so capable when I look back on before I was with him or in the first couple of years, I hope I can get that feeling back. He is pretending he is fine but the cracks are showing already.

@Tulip55. '@PseuDenim when I see an empty beer can just left on the side or rubbish not put in the bin now, I think "won't have to put up with that anymore" lol'
I think the same when H leaves dishes beside the empty dishwasher or I see his pile of dirty clothes beside the bed or when he's once again still in bed while I up with the kids.

Hello,

Please can I join? My DH and I are currently living apart but he's moving back in on Saturday for Christmas. I want to separate officially in January but I've not broached that with him yet. I really empathise with the mixed emotions and swung from certainty to fear.

I've just caught up with the messages and it's so lovely to hear others stories who have come out the otherwise. Go girls!

I was going to try and stay in the house for less disruption for the children as I imagine I'll do more childcare initially but it might be easier to make things happen if I move out. I would be relying on UC though. Is anyone else renting and on UC?

13 years post divorce here. Still run my home as a single woman although now have partner. Who doesn't live here. It's fabulous.

Letting go of the resentment about doing all the chores, wife work, grunt work of raising kids is the best feeling. I'm much better off financially as although I earn less, I can account for it, plan and save for things without his fiscal recklessness. There is a stability, calm and peace in my home (despite a gaggle of kids, now teenagers) that was absent in my dysfunctional and abusive marriage.
Only regret is that I wasted so much time trying to save a shit marriage.

@wantmorenow 'Letting go of the resentment about doing all the chores, wife work, grunt work of raising kids is the best feeling.'
This sounds amazing. I definitely won't be better off, money wise I'd be much more secure staying with H. But I can't do it anymore, it's cost me too much of myself.
I don't regret not leaving 18 months ago when things got really bad, due to the needs of my two older boys who both have SEN, but a memory popped up a few days ago from my youngest 1st birthday, 3 years ago. It's a very memorable photo. And I remember clearly thinking that Christmas nearly 3 years ago would be our last one together. I regret not leaving then.

For want of a better phrase, I want to break free, after Christmas. It's been building in my head for years really, but I feel almost paralysed with fear of actually going through with it. Reading through these posts, I see things that I've thought about - decorating my own way, not having crap lying around everywhere, not having to worry if I'm 'late' home etc. And to be honest, I wouldn't notice the difference in terms of looking after the house. The only thing extra I'd have to do is put the bins out. There are loads of little DIY things to do that have been left for years. He doesn't even see them! I could do them myself, but feel as if I want to save it for when I'm on my own and I can do them for me, if that makes sense. I'm the practical one in the house anyway, so I know I can manage. I want to stay in the house with my two dcs, but I'll be the one instigating the split which he does not want, so how does that work? If anyone has been in the same position, I'd really appreciate some advice around that. Good luck to all you brave ladies. One life xxx