Life after Divorce

[Tulip55]

Just looking for some reassuring stories from women after divorce. I will likely be moving into my own place next month with the kids, and have never lived without a partner before. I go from being excited and feeling like I am very capable...to then being so terrified and worried I won't cope. I lay awake at night worrying about it.

I got divorced 8 years ago after only ever living with my parents and then my husband and children. It took a little while to adapt but it was absolutely the best thing I could of ever done for myself. I love that it's my house, my rules, no one else to have to consider. If I want a pink kitchen I will have a pink kitchen! Good luck op

I definitely won't be better off, money wise I'd be much more secure staying with H. But I can't do it anymore, it's cost me too much of myself.

I really identify with this. Money is probably the main reason I haven't left before now, but that comes at a cost - namely happiness/self-respect.

Financially my life is going to be unrecognisable, things are going to be very very tight and if I'm honest I'm slightly afraid of being judged as a "failure" as a result. I'm so worried I won't be able to provide the opportunities my DC would otherwise have if I stayed with their dad. I'm hoping it will be worth it but I have visions of searching under the sofa cushions for loose change and fear I'll regret it...

@Febo24

Can I join in?

STBXH is moving out after Christmas, I'll stay in the house for now, he's renting.

All amicable despite him being the one who made the error in judgement.

I have always enjoyed my time alone and my single years, so I don't dread that so much. I'm also the DIYer. It's the companionship I'm dreading missing. Companionship in life, in parenting etc. His family are here, mine aren't and I'm acutely aware of that at the moment.

But I'm also excited and so looking forward to breathing out, unclenching, letting my shoulders relax down from my ears.... eating more veggie and vegan meals.... No more skid marks on the loo... less mess....

I moved out in the summer (although he still thinks I'm going to go back), but the excitement of possibilities is the best bit, I think. I'm planning what to do with the second half of my life, where I want to live, all that kind of thing.

But, no more skid marks, it's incredible how good that feels! And if I want cheese and crackers for dinner in bed, I can have cheese and crackers in bed, I don't need to be planning/cooking/clearing up a dinner on the table at 6:30 every night after having a whole day of "what are you doing for dinner?" wittering at me.

Wow - there are so many of going through this, albeit at different stages. It's good to hear how others in the same position are feeling (both good and bad) and I am encouraged by the stories of people mastering new diy skills etc. For me it was the hedge cutter - using it terrified me but I made myself try and it was ok, though my hedge looked rubbish. It's very hard to keep everything together for your children and remain at least civil with their father even though you may feel like punching him repeatedly. Or giving him a buzz cut with the hedge trimmer ..

Divorce was the best thing I have ever done. It’s terrifying to initiate and has cost a lot of money but the freedom and the ability to be yourself, to do what you want and to parent in the way you want are absolutely worth it. And I am still shit at DIY...

I am not going to minimise the fact that it’s scary but by God did it improve my life. Good luck.

Second the advice on dating: it’s fun when you are ready but don’t do it when you’re lonely and don’t even think about doing it until you have come to terms with being on your own.

Letting go of the resentment about doing all the chores, wife work, grunt work of raising kids is the best feeling. I'm much better off financially as although I earn less, I can account for it, plan and save for things without his fiscal recklessness.
So much this.

Having sole control of my finances has been so good. I've saved for things I want, spent on what I want, and dug myself out of debt. I've been better off without him, because he was shit with money and would never stick with any budget or anything I tried to do. So while in theory, going from 2 incomes to 1 should be a crash, actually it's been the way to dig myself out of a hole. You just manage what you've got.

I agree with what others have said. I do more housework , life admin now but with less stress. There’s no stress or frustration when someone doesn’t pull their weight. I do it myself and my mess is my own.

I have less money now but actually more disposable income as we used to share finances and he frittered away a lot. I was very anxious at first about money and would check online banking about 5x a day! But now it feels good to make all the financial decisions, I’m not in debt (we used to be) and I really can’t make sense of where all our money went before.

@WakingUp55643

For want of a better phrase, I want to break free, after Christmas. It's been building in my head for years really, but I feel almost paralysed with fear of actually going through with it. Reading through these posts, I see things that I've thought about - decorating my own way, not having crap lying around everywhere, not having to worry if I'm 'late' home etc. And to be honest, I wouldn't notice the difference in terms of looking after the house. The only thing extra I'd have to do is put the bins out. There are loads of little DIY things to do that have been left for years. He doesn't even see them! I could do them myself, but feel as if I want to save it for when I'm on my own and I can do them for me, if that makes sense. I'm the practical one in the house anyway, so I know I can manage. I want to stay in the house with my two dcs, but I'll be the one instigating the split which he does not want, so how does that work? If anyone has been in the same position, I'd really appreciate some advice around that. Good luck to all you brave ladies. One life xxx

I'm the same and in the exact same position where I want DH to leave me and the 2Dc in the house. I'm not entirely sure how he will take it either as I'm his mind I've instigated all this.

But I'm trying not to over stress the decision and hoping I feel more confident to go through with it after Christmas.

2 years post break up here. I love living alone - just me, DD ad dog. It’s peaceful, decorated as I like it and I love it when DD is away with her Dad! I have new hobbies, solo control of the remote and the whole sofa just for me 🥳🥳. I have a new boyfriend but no intention of moving in together!

Now if only there was an equivalent so I could "divorce" my 18 year Old son. He's lazy, messy and takes the piss continually with his detritus around the whole house. My two dds and I resent his mess and lack of thought and nothing we do seems to improve his attitude to how his lack of thought negatively impacts on us.
Tried explaining, removing privileged, getting upset. Nothing works. He has less than a year until he finishes school and he will have to shape up or ship out then. He's not rude or trouble, just completely selfish. Does not respect our home. Still better than his father though

Lol @wantmorenow I live with two teenage boys, who are far messier than XH ever was. But they are also better company, so swings and roundabouts.

FPS123 my oldest son was like this too, went off to uni and came back three years later (did see him in between but he didn't properly live here) a functioning adult.

my relationship with my son is crap though now because I'm like a stuck record and the resentment now is huge. He doesn't care. It will come to a head in time. I'm getting too old to keep wasting my breath trying to reason with the unreasonable person. It's a shame, he's lovely in so many other ways but dreading going into the bathroom because he has 'forgotten' to flush, pick up towels, socks etc or the kitchen is trashed again is no way to live.

So nice hearing stories of people who are financially 'ok' after separation. I'm in q small amount of debt (store cards - under £1k) and have been particularly worried about how on earth life on one income / universal credit until I find a new job is going to pan out! Xx

Separated 10yrs ago, divorced my exh 5yrs ago, now I'm as happy as a pig in poo. My house is mine now (mortgaged) when we sold the marital home, I moved 30 miles from the martial home I decided to bring as little as possible to my now home as I didn't want memories from the old house - obviously some practical stuff came with me. I can honestly say I would not change a thing. Kids are grown up, they don't see there dad

Amazing how much happier you will find yourselves. Wherever you settle will be yours to make it as you fabulous as you like.

Good luck to all those taking the plunge 💗

Its really helped reading these messages today. I've been feeling really low and tearful today and the sick feeling has not left me. I cant eat and have started smoking again to calm me down!
He's been lying to me for so long about the other women he claims to 'just talk' to.
I need him to leave and give me time to sort things in my head, but due to being in tier 3 he says he has no-where to go. He WFH and sits in the same room all day (he sleeps there too now).
Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories, they really do help x

OP its absolutely normal to feel like this. It's one of the scariest things to face in life. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel extremely nervous. But that doesn't mean its not the right thing to do.

I can pretty much guarantee you that there is a better life on the other side: a life where you are at peace in your own home and where you can be who you want.

It seems there's a fair few stories but if it helps people I can add mine. I left my marriage nearly two years ago. Moved out into rented and 50:50 with the kids. It was hard, definitely an emotional roller coaster but I have found peace of mind. I've now bought and renovated my own place and it's liberating, albeit a bit daunting, to make all the decisions about everything! I find that every time there's a milestone of doing something I previously did as a couple, I feel a bit bittersweet. But I'm proud of how I've coped. I don't regret ending things, I just wish the dc didn't have to be affected. But one week on and one off seems to be working as the most settling arrangement for them.

It's funny but the most stressful aspect when I first moved out was sorting the TV and broadband etc, as that's the only thing exh ever did!

I'd say if it's truly beyond saving then don't let fear of being alone stop you. It gets easier and I definitely appreciate the respite from the dc on my week off now!

There is absolutely nothing as wonderful as sitting down with a glass of wine in your own home, decorated how you want it, without having to worry about someone else's expectations or interference.

I cannot even begin to tell you how much I treasure my own space since getting divorced.

There are plenty of tips online and YouTube tutorials for the practical stuff and honestly your confidence will come along with every little thing you do.

Will add that I agree with pp about not succumbing to the temptation of Internet dating sites if you feel lonely. They can be a lot of fun but you really need to be in the right headspace.

I'm in the process of divorcing stbxh (Nisi will be issued in January). I'm buying him out and he has found somewhere to buy so won't be long. We haven't told the dc though yet.

I can't bloody wait. Have to say I'm quite looking forward to the 50/50 child care, I so miss having time to myself.

I do occasionally have little wobbles of sadness, but it's more about having to upset the dc and disrupt their lives. And the loss of what could have been etc.

My stbxh drank too much, in the pub. I’d get to about 10:45pm and start rushing about to get everything done and myself into bed before he got back so I didn’t have to deal with his pissed up nonsense.

Just not having to do that is wonderful. He wouldn’t spend on the house. He liked a shower, I like a bath. The bath broke but the shower worked and he wouldn’t get it fixed. It’s bloody well fixed now though, and redecorated, and I have nice towels that he can’t wipe his arse on, and candles and scented stuff. And no piss on the floor.
For the first time in 17 years i delight in my own home.

Not divorced yet but nearly 18 months since seperation. I really enjoy my time alone now, it was difficult at first as he left me for the OW and the children spend time with him and her. So that's been a lot to cope with.
He didn't really step up after he left and didn't see the kids for a long time. They are staying at his for the first time tomorrow.
Anyway, I have decorated the house exactly how I like it, my bedroom is just for me, if I don't fancy doing the washing up, I don't do it, me and the kids do as we please.
Before the whole covid thing, I made sure I had plans with friends when the kids were away, made plans to do things on my own too, got a puppy! She is great company and we have lovely walks together.
I increased my hours at work, and really enjoy my work so I concentrated on that too.
As far as not being able to house jobs, honestly it is amazing what you can put your mind too. I built two internal stud walls over lockdown! Totally renovated the downstairs of my house,laid flooring,etc, fit new light fittings etc. I also got rid of him and my in laws on social media too, nothing good can come of it. Plus they were all matess with the OW on Facebook before I even found out. Really nice!.
You can and will cope on your own. I promise. You will find your routine and in time you will adjust to it all.🙂

Sorry that was long!

This thread is giving me so much hope! So glad so many of you are happy post divorce. Im emptying the marital home tomorrow, so it will be my first night staying in my own rental ...nervous and excited! Definitely need to watch some DIY YouTube tutorials

Bloody hell @Apricot10 - that sounds shit but you've turned it around.

I'm reading every post and they are giving me such hope too. I need to find my anger at STBXH behaviour but I mostly just feel sad.

Good luck tomorrow @havecourage8bekind - let us know how the move goes.

Keep them coming happy divorced people!

I mainly feel sad too @Fantasisa. I wish I could find my anger too, but it's just so so sad.