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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH came into my office

221 replies

Nervousofthed · 05/12/2020 08:13

Bit of a weird one.

DH and I are wfh at the moment in seperate rooms. We generally leave each other to it, maybe making a tea or lunch for the other.
He often showers in the middle of the day.
After his shower yesterday, he walked into my office in just his towel, insisting that I 'touched it' and dropped his towel. Trying to grab my hand, coming towards me whilst I'm sitting at my desk.
I said no repeatedly and was visibly cringing. He didn't stop, I had to shout 'I really do not like this, just stop!' at which point he did, and laughed it off and insinuating I was a spoil sport. I made it clear it was too much. He's since apologised and acknowledged it was my work space and not OK.

However, that experience seems to have affected me. I am finding it uncomfortable to look at him and talk to him. I've never felt unsafe around him (for context, I was abused as a child), but that encounter made me feel unsafe although it was harmless.

I feel silly that it's had an effect on me. How can I forget about it?

OP posts:
Thatwentbadly · 05/12/2020 08:14

I’m sorry he did this to you. He sexually assaulted you. I’m not sure this is something you should just try and forget.

Skipsurvey · 05/12/2020 08:17

i dont think it being in the work space makes any difference, say to being in the kitchen,
i thought you were going to mention Zoom

is he like this normally?

Original poster
Nervousofthed · 05/12/2020 08:21

@skip No, he is a bit of a tryer, but usually takes no for an answer when told.

OP posts:
Nandakanda · 05/12/2020 08:21

Why are you married?

Original poster
Nervousofthed · 05/12/2020 08:23

@Thatwentbadly it's absolutely crossing a line, but it is not sexual assault to me. That has happened to me and it is not in the same league. I'd like advice to move past it.

OP posts:
category12 · 05/12/2020 08:25

No, he is a bit of a tryer, but usually takes no for an answer when told.

Shock

What do you mean he usually takes no for an answer - does that mean sometimes he doesn't? That's really not OK or normal, if so.

To be honest, if he's often pushy about sex, maybe this incident has crystallised something about his behaviour for you.

dewisant2020 · 05/12/2020 08:26

It appears to me he was trying to be a bit spontaneous and also try he's luck. I wouldn't exactly call it sexual assault.

Original poster
Nervousofthed · 05/12/2020 08:26

To be clear, Apart from this one time, he takes no for an answer.

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 05/12/2020 08:27

In order for me to be able to move past that, I would need to be sure it wouldn't happen again as otherwise I'd always be on edge that he was about to burst in.

I think you have to sit him down and have a serious convo about how inappropriate it was and how it's made you feel so that he understands he must never do it again.

His reaction would be a good indicator too - mortified and upset that a stupid joke has upset you so much? Or minimising and scoffing that a stupid joke has upset you so much??

MyOwnSummer · 05/12/2020 08:27

You can't force yourself to forget anything.

What isn't clear in your post is whether he really understands how terrifying it can be for a woman for a man to use his superior size and strength to force a situation. There's a saying "men are scared women will laugh at them, women are scared men will kill them" - because in most cases, they will always win any physical confrontation.

He has damaged trust between you in a fundamental way by his behaviour. Whether you can move past it depends on whether he can really understand that his behaviour is not harmless, not a joke and can never be repeated. Do you think he's capable of understanding?

Oreservoir · 05/12/2020 08:28

Obviously only you know what your dh is like generally.
Presumably the environment made a difference to you which is understandable.

If this is a one off and your dh has apologised sincerely then explain to him how the situation made you feel. He needs to realise that what he thought was harmless fun is actually upsetting for you.

Skipsurvey · 05/12/2020 08:28

dont put it down to sexual assault op.

put it down to him being a tryer, as usual, and move on from it?

toothfairy73 · 05/12/2020 08:28

I'm not surprised you are finding this upsetting. I was also abused as a child and I think I would find anyone insisting that I "touch it" extremely triggering. It's likely that it has brought up old feelings that you weren't able to face before or that haven't been resolved. Have you had counselling for the abuse you suffered?

I don't by any means mean to lay this on you as if it's something to do with you, he should not have done what he did. Does he know what happened to you?

Greenbks · 05/12/2020 08:28

He did not sexually assault you, for gods sake @Thatwentbadly get a bloody grip on your life.

Op, I’m sorry to hear about your past history and it’s understandable why you would feel this way however he may have just been trying to be playful/a fantasy of his when he walks into your office. You said he’s apologised and acknowledged it’s your work place so apart from having a chat with him about your residual feelings I’m not sure there’s anything else to it. He did something, you explained how it made you feel and he recognised and apologised for it. Unless he does it again, which would make it a problem and him being totally out of line, just have an open chat with him about how it’s made you feel.

Edel2019 · 05/12/2020 08:28

Omg. This is not sexual assault. The OP fortunately knows this. Those posts are SO extreme, SO unhelpful.

Just have a calm discussion with him later and explain you didn't like it. Sounds like he was just being spontaneous.

Arrivederla · 05/12/2020 08:29

I think his behaviour was extremely odd and I don't think you ought to brush it under the carpet and tell yourself that you ought to get over it.

Does he know about your previous sexual abuse? What do you mean about a bit of a tryer? Do you mean he tries to pressure you into doing things you don't really want to do?

CircleofWillis · 05/12/2020 08:30

@Greenbks

He did not sexually assault you, for gods sake *@Thatwentbadly* get a bloody grip on your life.

Op, I’m sorry to hear about your past history and it’s understandable why you would feel this way however he may have just been trying to be playful/a fantasy of his when he walks into your office. You said he’s apologised and acknowledged it’s your work place so apart from having a chat with him about your residual feelings I’m not sure there’s anything else to it. He did something, you explained how it made you feel and he recognised and apologised for it. Unless he does it again, which would make it a problem and him being totally out of line, just have an open chat with him about how it’s made you feel.

Op said I said no repeatedly and was visibly cringing. He didn't stop, I had to shout 'I really do not like this, just stop!' at which point he did,

I'm sorry but that sounds like sexual assault to me.

BillyGroatsChuff · 05/12/2020 08:31

Tell him not to do it again and that it made you uncomfortable
Is it NOT sexual assault

jjnk · 05/12/2020 08:31

Do you think this has really affected you because it has parallels to what happened to you as a child. Not exactly the incident but more the feelings that have surfaced. Has this incident made you feel like how you felt as a child when you were abused?
It may look like you might benefit from some counselling to deal with the childhood abuse.

Sorry about the questions and you obviously don't have to reply here but just something to think about as a person who has been through trauma.

Arrivederla · 05/12/2020 08:32

@Edel2019

Omg. This is not sexual assault. The OP fortunately knows this. Those posts are SO extreme, SO unhelpful.

Just have a calm discussion with him later and explain you didn't like it. Sounds like he was just being spontaneous.

This is an awful post.
Alexandernevermind · 05/12/2020 08:32

I think the context is important here - if it was my DH I would have laughed, thrown something at him and told him to get dressed. The fact that you have suffered previous abuses changes things completely. Does he know about the abuse? You need to sit him down and explain how you feel. My guess is he will be mortified once it gets into his thick skull he realises, but his reaction will speak volumes.

isthismylifenow · 05/12/2020 08:33

I wouldn't class this as sexual assault. Is there a chance he's trying to spice things up a bit.

As pp said, very possibly trying to play out a fantasy?

userxx · 05/12/2020 08:33

It appears to me he was trying to be a bit spontaneous and also try he's luck. I wouldn't exactly call it sexual assault.

Exactly this.

Suzi888 · 05/12/2020 08:33

@Greenbks

He did not sexually assault you, for gods sake *@Thatwentbadly* get a bloody grip on your life.

Op, I’m sorry to hear about your past history and it’s understandable why you would feel this way however he may have just been trying to be playful/a fantasy of his when he walks into your office. You said he’s apologised and acknowledged it’s your work place so apart from having a chat with him about your residual feelings I’m not sure there’s anything else to it. He did something, you explained how it made you feel and he recognised and apologised for it. Unless he does it again, which would make it a problem and him being totally out of line, just have an open chat with him about how it’s made you feel.

^^ I agree with this. I don’t think it’s sexual assault. I think he thought it would be fun and it ended badly. Explain it to him and tell him not to do it again.
justanotherneighinparadise · 05/12/2020 08:34

Does he know you were abused?

I would have a conversation with him and explain
that that scenario made for a relived experience that was upsetting. I think once you talk about it, you’ll feel much better about it.