DH came into my office

[Nervousofthed]

Bit of a weird one.

DH and I are wfh at the moment in seperate rooms. We generally leave each other to it, maybe making a tea or lunch for the other.
He often showers in the middle of the day.
After his shower yesterday, he walked into my office in just his towel, insisting that I 'touched it' and dropped his towel. Trying to grab my hand, coming towards me whilst I'm sitting at my desk.
I said no repeatedly and was visibly cringing. He didn't stop, I had to shout 'I really do not like this, just stop!' at which point he did, and laughed it off and insinuating I was a spoil sport. I made it clear it was too much. He's since apologised and acknowledged it was my work space and not OK.

However, that experience seems to have affected me. I am finding it uncomfortable to look at him and talk to him. I've never felt unsafe around him (for context, I was abused as a child), but that encounter made me feel unsafe although it was harmless.

I feel silly that it's had an effect on me. How can I forget about it?

It really doesnt' matter if YOU would have jumped your DH if he came into the room and dropped his towel. OPs post wasn't ' DH came into my room and dropped his towel and asked me to wank him off and I did and I loved it, it was great' Nor was it ' DH came into my room and asked for sex and I said I No I am busy working' so he went away.'

Stop replying to posts that don't exist.

you should apply your own advice.

That is utterly revolting imo!

Op could have grabbed the towel off herself híf she had had a mind to.

But him insisting that she "touch it" & trying to grab her hand take if to a level of trying to force her to do what he wants.

And then to call her a spoil spoit.

JFC!

It appears to me he was trying to be a bit spontaneous and also try he's luck. I wouldn't exactly call it sexual assault.

This.

Hope you can try and get passed it and chalk it up to misplaced humour

Hilarious how OP kept saying no and cringing away, and eventually had to shout at him.

@NoPainNoTartine

Did you miss the part where she was At WORK? Someone else mentioned context, well she was at work in her office, not sat watching telly, or doing housework.

what does it have to do with anything?

She wasn't in the middle of a zoom meeting, or in front of a patient in a consulting room, and as much as I disagree with the hysterical idiots banging on about sexual assaults, the situation would have been exactly the same in any other room. And frankly, a woman doing housework or watching tv is just as entitled to say no. And a partner not wrong for coming on to their wives - and saying NO is perfectly acceptable either way.

But importantly, you shouldn't have to keep saying NO.

One no should do it.

If you keep going after you get a no, you are in the wrong, you are breaching consent.

Why is everyone ignoring the part where OP said NO repeatedly and he ignored that?

@Thatwentbadly

I’m sorry he did this to you. He sexually assaulted you. I’m not sure this is something you should just try and forget.

Jesus! He was trying it on.

There are sadly many women who have suffered significant abuse posting, and of course for them this is very triggering as it spells assault, violation, violence

Oh for goodness sake, I have not been sexually assaulted. I do however understand that if someone says NO to a sexual advance that should be respected.

I don't think OP has been assaulted by her DH, but I also don't think she should be encouraged to think her upset reaction to her husband ignoring her repeatedly saying NO to him is a problem with her and not him. Nor do I think she should be encouraged to think that it is normal for wives to have their husbands repeatedly try to force their penis' on them when the wife is saying NO.

OP clearly has a good sense of her own boundaries and what is and is not acceptable to happen to her and her body and that should not be undermined by the ' ignoring NO is just a bit of fun when you are married' lobby.

dont be ridiculous @TwentyViginti

You don't need to feel silly, OP.

Your partner needs to accept and respect your boundaries. So you have a chat about it, tell him you understand that he was just trying his luck but you're also shocked that you had to say No more than once. And should that happen again, it will be an issue.

Hilarious how OP kept saying no and cringing away, and eventually had to shout at him

Why was TwentyViginti being ridiculous @Skipsurvey? OP says in her OP that she kept saying no, was visibly cringing and eventually had to shout at him to get him to stop.

Facts which seem to be ignored by many on here.

For the ‘cool girls’ on here who would have automatically dropped to their knees, that’s great, good for you.

I really hate the "cool girl/cool wife" thing on here. I don't take any shit from my DH or from any other man, I have high standards on how I expect to be treated and consider myself very much a femenist. If my DH dropped his towel in front of me in the middle of the day there is a 99% chance that I would engage in sexual activity with him. That does not make me a simpering man pleaser! It's just something that would float my boat. It wouldn't float everyone's boat but we are all different. People have different opinions and reactions to situations based on personality and past experiences.

@justanother it's OK, I'm ignoring those.

I'm also ignoring those insisting that it was sexual assault. It's not helpful to me. If the conversation later isn't understood or respectful then I'll reconsider.

Don't forget that this is MN, an anonymous forum where you will get a bunch of replies.

Some posters are happily in an heterosexual relationship, and know that's there's nothing wrong with having to say NO to their husband,AND HAVE BEEN TOLD NO THEMSELVES when their man was not in the mood, but if it gets to uncomfortable you need a discussion about it without jumping to accusation of sexual assaults

hey ,there are threads of upset women who tried with their man (last one I am thinking about was playing video games) and got really upset to be rejected, it happens

other posters have a more bitter experience, are not so happy and settled and project a tad.

Asking your wife to touch your genitals is not sexual assault.

You did nothing wrong. You deserve to be treated better. I'm so sorry that you were abused as a child.
You need to speak to a therapist who specialises in childhood trauma and whom you can have a good connection with. It will be worth the investment in yourself.
He tried to force you do to a sex act, that is in the definition of abuse. Get help, you deserve it.

Unfortunately a lot of men do not understand that NO also applies to married couples. You do not have an automatic right to do what you want to someone because you are married.

@Freekstar, you're completely ignoring the fact OP said NO repeatedly. it's fine to try to initiate some sort of sexual interaction. It is not fine to need to be told NO repeatedly.

sometimes people need a bit of persuading but that doesn't mean it's completely not wanted

Do you realise just how rapey that line sounds?

@lostintheday
i suggested op gets the help she may have received for the childhood abuse and ''So that her husband can have his penis touched by OP whenever he says so?
was the response from @TwentyViginti - frankly ridiculous,

It's such a shame the thread has been derailed

because no one has ever said the OP did anything wrong or is not entitled to boundaries and FEEL ok and safe in her own home

but posters had to start to reply to the accusation of being "sexually assaulted at work" instead of focusing on the actual OP.

If he's a normally decent man, just tell him and what your feelings are.

@PeanuttyButter

I think he was trying to be spontaneous and try his luck. You're married, stuff like this is what keeps things fun.. sometimes people need a bit of persuading but that doesn't mean it's completely not wanted. As it's clearly made you uncomfortable OP I would have a chat with him, explain what part was acceptable and what made you feel uncomfortable (language etc) to make sure he knows not to do it again. If you can't talk to him about it reasonably then you have problems. As other have said the fact if was your office space is no different to trying to surprise you in the kitchen. Hope you can try and get passed it and chalk it up to misplaced humour

Sometimes people need to be persuaded into sex?

Tell him next time he is horny during the day and work hours to have a cold shower lol

It's still not sexual assault because he didn't touch her- sexual harassment at a push maybe.

He didn't stop, I had to shout 'I really do not like this, just stop!' at which point he did, and laughed it off and insinuating I was a spoil sport

Does he know you were abused as a child? No wonder you've reacted the way you have - for your DH NOT to listen to you when you say "No" must have started an awful (and mostly uncontrollable) response.

He needs to understand that his behaviour - not accepting your "No" - is problematic.