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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH came into my office

221 replies

Nervousofthed · 05/12/2020 08:13

Bit of a weird one.

DH and I are wfh at the moment in seperate rooms. We generally leave each other to it, maybe making a tea or lunch for the other.
He often showers in the middle of the day.
After his shower yesterday, he walked into my office in just his towel, insisting that I 'touched it' and dropped his towel. Trying to grab my hand, coming towards me whilst I'm sitting at my desk.
I said no repeatedly and was visibly cringing. He didn't stop, I had to shout 'I really do not like this, just stop!' at which point he did, and laughed it off and insinuating I was a spoil sport. I made it clear it was too much. He's since apologised and acknowledged it was my work space and not OK.

However, that experience seems to have affected me. I am finding it uncomfortable to look at him and talk to him. I've never felt unsafe around him (for context, I was abused as a child), but that encounter made me feel unsafe although it was harmless.

I feel silly that it's had an effect on me. How can I forget about it?

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 05/12/2020 09:03

@dewisant2020

it moved from "trying his luck" to sexual assault the moment he didn't take op's NO for an answer.

Trying to grab my hand, coming towards me whilst I'm sitting at my desk ... I said no repeatedly and was visibly cringing. He didn't stop, I had to shout 'I really do not like this, just stop!'

Lalliella · 05/12/2020 09:04

Ewww that is repulsive. That would make my vagina snap shut for a very long time.

I don’t think you should be trying to forget this OP, I think you and he should talk this through. He needs to realise how very wrong this is - not the initial chancing his luck but the not taking no for an answer, still coming towards you, trying to grab your hand, and making out it’s you at fault.

If you were sat down and he was stood up with his knob virtually in your face it must have been very intimidating. He’s a vile piece of work not to immediately stop the first time you said no. I would find it pretty difficult to move forwards from this.

MrsTumbletap · 05/12/2020 09:05

Sexual assault? He violated you?

This man is the man she loves, the man she probably has had sex with hundreds of times, seen naked hundreds of time, seen his penis hundreds of times.

The man just dropped his towel and wanted her to touch him. He was trying to be playful and sexual with his 'sexual' partner. And now he is being accused of sexual assault and violating the OP.

OP do you have a fulfilling or spontaneous sex life with him? Is this really so shocking and random? That you actually felt unsafe seeing your husband's penis so surprisingly and him wanting you to touch him. Do you ever have quickies in the kitchen for example? I think the answer to these question changes the context here.

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2020 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

differentnameforthis · 05/12/2020 09:08

@winterberries77

it does not minimise sexual assault, there are varied degrees and one does not negate the other.

he refused to take her repeated NOs for an answer, grabbing at her hand, forcing her to touch him.

Once that NO has been laid down, and you don't stop, or you coerce etc... it have gone way past "spicing things up" "trying his luck"

dewisant2020 · 05/12/2020 09:09

@differentnameforthis some off you posters are absolute snow flakes!
In no way was it sexual assault, it was a man trying to get he's end away. It's called fun

justanotherneighinparadise · 05/12/2020 09:10

For the ‘cool girls’ on here who would have automatically dropped to their knees, that’s great, good for you. However OP has said in her posts that she may have found the scenario triggering due to historic abuse. That’s a completely different situation and one that makes pertinent to her relationship and how sex comes about (is demanded).

category12 · 05/12/2020 09:10

She felt unsafe because she said no and he kept insisting @MrsTumbletap.

And your questions about her sex life are right on the edge Hmm.

Skipsurvey · 05/12/2020 09:10

well said @Bluntness100

minnie465 · 05/12/2020 09:11

100% what @Bluntness100 said

category12 · 05/12/2020 09:12

[quote dewisant2020]@differentnameforthis some off you posters are absolute snow flakes!
In no way was it sexual assault, it was a man trying to get he's end away. It's called fun[/quote]
It's not fun if your partner says no, cringes away and is obviously not interested at that time. Hmm

Fun is when you're both happy.

baileys6904 · 05/12/2020 09:12

OP Firstly I hope you're ok. Feelings are feelings and it must have absolutely freaked you out.

Secondly, this board is so far heavily biased against men, it may as well be leaking oestrogen. However thankfully you have had a good few balanced posts and opinions, so thank god for that. Please do selectively view, it's great to have a range of thoughts but only you know your relationship with husband and so know what applies and what doesn't.
Thirdly do speak to your husband. Explain why you felt the way you did and explain the triggering action. Like a pp said, men find it hard to relate to abuse unless they themselves have been through it. Theu havent had the utter helplessness and waterfall of emotions afterwards and the loss of control isn't as important to them. Do speak to him honestly and in as much detail as you feel able to, and hopefully his reactions will help to heal the actions he portrayed. That and time, or if you need a bit of extra support, do get back with the therapist for a bit of a booster.

Good luck OP x

Indoctro · 05/12/2020 09:12

It's not sexual assault and if that was my husband I would of flicked it away and told him to jog on and laughed about it

I think because of your past this is more to you than actually what it is if it makes sense

Just explain to him why your upset and I'm sure he will be very upset also that what he thought was a laugh has made you feel so upset

He hasn't been through what you have so he has no understanding of what is going on in your brain and what might trigger bad memories

But I'm sure if you explain to him he will be much more considerate in the future

Suzeyshoes · 05/12/2020 09:14

I’m confused. He’s your husband right? Surely when you’re in a sexual relationship, it’s normal to try and instigate sex? If my DH did this either I’d jump right in or tell him to bugger off, I’m busy.

TwentyViginti · 05/12/2020 09:15

Of course this is not sexual assault, he was playing and having a laugh and took it too far, not understanding the ops reaction.

From OP's very clear description, I can understand and 'see' her reaction, and I wasn't there.

Why do you think her husband did not understand the word no.

category12 · 05/12/2020 09:15

@Suzeyshoes

I’m confused. He’s your husband right? Surely when you’re in a sexual relationship, it’s normal to try and instigate sex? If my DH did this either I’d jump right in or tell him to bugger off, I’m busy.
If you said no repeatedly, presumably you'd expect him to stop? Hmm
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/12/2020 09:15

@TwentyViginti

Do you think he's capable of understanding?

I feel this is the crux of the matter. Any woman would understand how alarming this can be, as most of us have been the recipient of unwanted sexual advances, all of us have been warned about the danger of possible assault from at least early teen years, and have been socialised to be vigilant. This times 100 for those abused as a child.

Men who have been sexually assaulted or abused would understand, but men who have no experience of being hyper alert to unwanted sexual attention would not really understand how unbalanced it can make a woman feel, even if the attention is from her partner.

This is so true. It sounds as though he had in his head his this was going to play out and he found it funny, maybe irresistible. When it didn’t happen, he did happen he failed to recognise the cues. I’m sorry this had affected you so much. If he values your safety, he will try to understand so you need a very Frank conversation.
MrsTumbletap · 05/12/2020 09:17

@madcatladyforever you cannot make false claims like that assuming everyone acts the same way.

Not everyone that has suffered sexual abuse would react the way the OP and clearly you would have.

Saying this is about dominance and links to domestic abuse I believe is untrue.

I am aware of OPs past and can understand it personally. But I have a sexual relationship with my husband, and if he came out of the shower with a towel a bit horny wanting my attention I would like it and probably have sex with him or say wait til later I'm busy. As he is my 'sexual' partner.

This guy is not a stranger, not her neighbour or boss, it's the man she has sex with.

Original poster
Nervousofthed · 05/12/2020 09:17

No, we aren't the spontaneous types, and haven't been since we had children who never seem to sleep.

It's a good relationship, we work at it. He's a good husband. The scenario was misjudged and he didn't recognise my reaction at all.

Thanks to those who have helped me to understand my feelings and encouraged a good conversation with him. I believe he will listen and understand and it will help me.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 05/12/2020 09:18

He went way too far. I don’t feel qualified to know if it’s sexual assault or not, but it was horrible behaviour. I would be furious if this happened to me. So sorry OP - you don’t have to squash your feelings about this, he should never insisted so much that you had to shout at him. You are allowed to be upset / angry about this.

TwentyViginti · 05/12/2020 09:19

@Suzeyshoes

I’m confused. He’s your husband right? Surely when you’re in a sexual relationship, it’s normal to try and instigate sex? If my DH did this either I’d jump right in or tell him to bugger off, I’m busy.
But you see, OP's husband didn't bugger off, even when OP became agitated and very clearly did not want him grabbing her hand to touch his penis.
Skipsurvey · 05/12/2020 09:20

you could have made a joke of it, and touched it with a pen?

you are not spontaneous due to having children, who dont sleep
were they around?

Deathgrip · 05/12/2020 09:20

Christ, some people’s bars are so low they are basically on the floor.

Do you honestly think that this is a normal thing - persisting when your spouse is repeatedly saying no and is visibly reluctant at best, distressed at worst?

Would you keep pushing your partner if they were saying no and clearly didn’t want to touch you?

Unbelievable responses here.

Jojojo32 · 05/12/2020 09:21

Wow mumnet is so quick at everything being a sexual assault or some kind of abuse, maybe he was trying to have a joke and mess around with his partner, do you honestly think he was planning on sexual assaulting you?

MrsTumbletap · 05/12/2020 09:22

That may explain it a bit OP, maybe he was trying to spice things up and be a bit spontaneous. Maybe you are both knackered when you go to bed and he thought maybe in the daytime might be better.

Many women on here express that their husbands have zero sex drive and they feel ignored and unwanted and consider affairs so at least your husband is trying to connect with you. He did it wrong granted, but maybe his intention was to be with you.

But if spontaneity shocks you and makes you feel unsafe at is a clear line you can draw with him. Which should make your conversation easier. But if he is a good guy and you love him, you can move past this.