DH came into my office

[Nervousofthed]

Bit of a weird one.

DH and I are wfh at the moment in seperate rooms. We generally leave each other to it, maybe making a tea or lunch for the other.
He often showers in the middle of the day.
After his shower yesterday, he walked into my office in just his towel, insisting that I 'touched it' and dropped his towel. Trying to grab my hand, coming towards me whilst I'm sitting at my desk.
I said no repeatedly and was visibly cringing. He didn't stop, I had to shout 'I really do not like this, just stop!' at which point he did, and laughed it off and insinuating I was a spoil sport. I made it clear it was too much. He's since apologised and acknowledged it was my work space and not OK.

However, that experience seems to have affected me. I am finding it uncomfortable to look at him and talk to him. I've never felt unsafe around him (for context, I was abused as a child), but that encounter made me feel unsafe although it was harmless.

I feel silly that it's had an effect on me. How can I forget about it?

@Happysunshinebear
Did you miss the bit where OP said she had to shout at her that she really didn't like it? Or that she'd suffered abuse as a child? Nowhere has OP claimed he tried to rape her though, your hyperbole is ridiculous.

I honestly think there will be a day when a guy has to produce a contract for a woman to sign before anything sexual happens

How I’ll relationships ever start? Can’t flirt at work, can’t compliment a woman on the street

The world is a pathetic place

I considered my mrs to have a fairly vanilla outlook sexually but if I did this she’d be all over me.

Ok childhood assault etc is not ok and is a vile, disgusting thing, but sex with an adult as an adult shouldn’t be related to an incident that happened in childhood. Your husband trying it on with you it’s not equivalent to being forced/coerced as a child.

Sorry if this sounds insensitive, I don’t mean it to, but you can’t spend the rest of your life referring back to a childhood incident.

Go do it to him next week, make his day, you might actually enjoy yourself

OK while I really kick back against the 'sexual assault' man haters, I also think the 'why are you married' posts are bull shit too.

Firstly, unless you've been a victim of abuse, you can't understand the sudden panic when your brain takes over and freaks out. Doesn't matter who with. I have a great sex life with my partner and have done for years, but the freak out can still happen. I cuddle up to him every day multiple times, very tactile, bit still every now and then, he just needs to come and hug me, when I'm sat down and he's stood up usually, and my brain has a little panic attack which I have to either try and calm or push him away. It's an involuntary reaction and thankfully becoming more controlled, but still happens.
Also, this woman is at work. She might have a emotionally heavy job. I work with dementia. Strangely that's not a real mood booster. Not a great one for making you horny.

Now she can masturbate him hourly for weeks but if one time she doesn't feel the need, she shouldn't have to. Thankfully that's where we are at in society, or for the most part. We get to have a say. She doesn't have to be horny on cue and she doesn't have to do something she doesn't want to.
Now like I say, that doesn't mean it's sexual assault but the same thing applies to the 'dickgrab' people as the assault people, don't frigging judge a situation you weren't there at.
She's not asked for that. She's not asked for your opinion on her relationship. Thankfully she's OK with that. She wanted help on how to handle the freak out.

Let's try supporting an op on what she wants, rather than what we think she needs. It's not about us, it's about her.

Actually @mhdix, you can keep referring to an incident that happened in childhood, or anytime at all.

It's called PTSD

@baileys6904 thanks for the support.

I forgot that when you ask a question, you have to also expect an assassination of your relationship, an evaluation of your willingness to perform on demand, a discussion on where your boundaries should lie or otherwise. I asked for advice on how to personally move past a one off incident in my otherwise healthy relationship.

Luckily some posters stuck to the brief. Thanks to those for their support and advice. Especially for helping with those posters whos responses weren't particularly measured.

@nervousofthed hi, hope you're feeling OK this morning.

This board pisses me off so much. The gender equality and relationship sabotage is ridiculous and I'm glad you are strong enough to see through the bullshit of some.

Feel free to pm if needed. I think he just made a dickhead move of which we all make many lol.

Have a lovely Sunday x

@Happysunshinebear

Omg really? Your lover has a Shower and comes to you into a room and asks you to touch his genitalia? Clearly in the mood for fun and you react like he is trying to rape you?

Your married why?
Your no fun at all. You say he knows No means No and so he leaves.

You could have said "I love you babe but not now I have all this work to do but maybe later?" You could have reacted anyway other than you have as a loving couple.
This man is your husband right? are you afraid of him? has he ever harmed you? exactly how is he supposed to initiate anything intimate with you when you react this way and go straight to an internet forum suggesting your abused? No wonder men feel rubbish these days.

But it's ok for you to slip into something sexy when you feel like it and approach him? Talk about double standards!!

This is just a vile misogynistic post.

Dear God. Read the OP @Happysunshinebear

He was insistent. He grabbed her hand. She said no, repeatedly. He did not accept this, he eventually stopped & then called her a spoilsport. She was clear that she did not like it and he continued

She was at work, he crossed boundaries & was disrespectful.

Listen to yourself: you're no fun

What does sexual intimacy mean to you?

I honestly think there will be a day when a guy has to produce a contract for a woman to sign before anything sexual happens
How I’ll relationships ever start? Can’t flirt at work, can’t compliment a woman on the street

Respectfully complimenting someone you know in an appropriate setting is not sexual harassment. Respectfully asking someone out on a date, in the appropriate setting (and taking “no” for an answer, if that’s the response) is not sexual harassment.

So yes, men and women will continue to flirt and date and the world keeps spinning, however walking into someone’s workplace and demanding they touch your genitals isn’t respectful, isn’t appropriate and is putting your own desire above the recipient.

Your INTENTIONS are not more important than the IMPACT of them.

Sounds like a man trying his luck. I’ve been abused in the past by my husband but have done an extremely large amount of work and it seems what he did was a bit of fun and you were triggered. Most men are harmless and sex is on the top of their tongues at all times. I personally would have been turned on but then I’m me and my relationship is young and all of him turns me on.....give it a few years!!!

I also am in the believe that it isn’t their issues to fix. Why should he stop wanting fun.

The OP asked if people could give her advice on getting past a one off situation - nothing else.

I would say to him that you value your work space as being somewhere that is set aside for professional use. Him acting in that manner and saying what he did might have inadvertently been a trigger because of the circumstances (that would be something that only you could know) so that would be something that you would have to decide whether to bring up. Simply put though, it's your work place and you are trying to be professional.

Just for context, I’ve walked into my DH’s office in a towel and dropped it. My intention was not to behave in a way that was sexually harmful - hopefully his intention wasn’t that either. I’m really questioning myself after reading these responses.

@changedforaquickquestion Dropping the towel is not the problem, it was carrying on after OP said no.

Respectfully complimenting someone you know in an appropriate setting is not sexual harassment. Respectfully asking someone out on a date, in the appropriate setting (and taking “no” for an answer, if that’s the response) is not sexual harassment.

This. And if you cannot tell the difference between sexual harassment and flirting, I suggest you stop flirting.

Flirting is fine - it's how I got together with my partner. No-one is against flirting in the right context. As for complimenting someone on the street, why do you need to? There are many ways to start up conversations with someone you don't know and honestly, I'd go for one that doesn't involve commenting on their appearance.

@Nervousofthed

To be clear, Apart from this one time, he takes no for an answer.

But he did go away.

I don't know. I don't think a sexual relationship where the other person can't initiate is very healthy. Obviously also not healthy if you feel assaulted.

As a measure, in a healthy relationship I think the scenario would be fine and normal - one approaches the other and suggests intimacy. The other either is happy at the idea or happy but busy or not feeling it and says no. Of course the horny one feels a bit put down, but goes away with good grace. And then later, the first one perhaps initiates.

The appalling crossing of your boundaries as a child has affected how you receive advances. This was unexpected and in your workspace and kind of in your face. It crossed your boundary and that's why it's scared you.

I don't think he's done anything wrong in initiating or wanting sex with you. You're his sexual partner. And if mine approached me like that (as he often does), I'd be perfectly happy. But you are you, and your partner knows this. So I don't think he meant to, but he went too far.

I seriously suggest some sexual counselling for you, and probably him for part of it too.

So o think:
No he didn't assault you.
No his intent wasn't bad.
Yes he should have stopped quicker.
Yes you should talk to him.

@Mhdix

I honestly think there will be a day when a guy has to produce a contract for a woman to sign before anything sexual happens

How I’ll relationships ever start? Can’t flirt at work, can’t compliment a woman on the street

The world is a pathetic place

I considered my mrs to have a fairly vanilla outlook sexually but if I did this she’d be all over me.

Ok childhood assault etc is not ok and is a vile, disgusting thing, but sex with an adult as an adult shouldn’t be related to an incident that happened in childhood. Your husband trying it on with you it’s not equivalent to being forced/coerced as a child.

Sorry if this sounds insensitive, I don’t mean it to, but you can’t spend the rest of your life referring back to a childhood incident.

Go do it to him next week, make his day, you might actually enjoy yourself

Essentially you have just completely minimised PTSD as a result of childhood sexual abuse.

What a cunty post.

As a measure, in a healthy relationship I think the scenario would be fine and normal - one approaches the other and suggests intimacy. The other either is happy at the idea or happy but busy or not feeling it and says no.
She says no repeatedly and visibly cowers, which he ignores, grabbing her hand. He continues to ignore her until she starts shouting
Of course the horny one feels a bit put down but goes away with good grace Puts the blame on her and accuses her of being a spoilsport

FTFY. Your first version left out some highly relevant details as to why the OP reacted in the way she did and why the partner's behaviour is more problematic than many people are admitting.

Reads to me like he was more about being an exhibitionist and flashing himself.....was he secretly hoping you'd be on a video chat or something and it would be both 'funny' and a secret ego boost for him?

My exH used to do things like this. It's really pathetic and even more pathetic when they go all petulant when you make it clear it's not a good time or you're not in the mood. I think it goes hand in hand with the sort of people who have mood swings like a yo-yo - one minute they're horny and all happy clappy, then they're in a sulk, so it goes on.

I'm sorry he acted in such a disrespectful way OP, that was really twatty behaviour

@Mhdix

I honestly think there will be a day when a guy has to produce a contract for a woman to sign before anything sexual happens

How I’ll relationships ever start? Can’t flirt at work, can’t compliment a woman on the street

The world is a pathetic place

I considered my mrs to have a fairly vanilla outlook sexually but if I did this she’d be all over me.

Ok childhood assault etc is not ok and is a vile, disgusting thing, but sex with an adult as an adult shouldn’t be related to an incident that happened in childhood. Your husband trying it on with you it’s not equivalent to being forced/coerced as a child.

Sorry if this sounds insensitive, I don’t mean it to, but you can’t spend the rest of your life referring back to a childhood incident.

Go do it to him next week, make his day, you might actually enjoy yourself

Why would you come onto mumsnet to say that to a woman??? What is wrong with you??