DH came into my office

[Nervousofthed]

Bit of a weird one.

DH and I are wfh at the moment in seperate rooms. We generally leave each other to it, maybe making a tea or lunch for the other.
He often showers in the middle of the day.
After his shower yesterday, he walked into my office in just his towel, insisting that I 'touched it' and dropped his towel. Trying to grab my hand, coming towards me whilst I'm sitting at my desk.
I said no repeatedly and was visibly cringing. He didn't stop, I had to shout 'I really do not like this, just stop!' at which point he did, and laughed it off and insinuating I was a spoil sport. I made it clear it was too much. He's since apologised and acknowledged it was my work space and not OK.

However, that experience seems to have affected me. I am finding it uncomfortable to look at him and talk to him. I've never felt unsafe around him (for context, I was abused as a child), but that encounter made me feel unsafe although it was harmless.

I feel silly that it's had an effect on me. How can I forget about it?

Its doesn't matter if we call it sexual assault or a hilarious jape gone sour or whatnot.

What matters is that the OP felt uncomfortable and is having trouble processing it. Stop fighting the semantics and try to give her some advice and support.

OP, I think the wise posters who advocate talking to DH are taking the right tack. Would you feel okay doing that?
If you can try to prepare at least a first sentence. From your OP it seems that you found the invasion of your work space, that he disregarded your saying no and the subsequently calling you a spoil sport are the main issues from the incident and this is all exacerbated by your background as a survivor of childhood abuse.
Do what feels safe for you to get back to a feeling of safety. Obviously don't murder him or otherwise break the law but know you are fully justified in your feelings and the steps you need to take to feel better.
Best of luck

I do agree a little with Bluntness but I think that doesnt take into account his reaction of laughing and then calling her a spoilsport - that reaction there for me is the real issue.

It has caused all the problems because the OP is now questioning her reaction - makes her feel silly and that it was harmless whereas she actually describes it as this

I said no repeatedly and was visibly cringing. He didn't stop, I had to shout 'I really do not like this, just stop!'

She had to shout to get him to stop. Presumably as well she was sitting and he was coming towards her standing which is a very different power dynamic going on. It being fun stopped the moment she can no and cringed and gave her reaction to it.

@MrsTumbletap this was different - she was sitting he was standing over her - a very different thing in terms of control and power (i.e. she was pretty much powerless sitting down). Yes he probably was trying to be playful but the minute she was uncomfortable and said no he should have stopped. He didnt and then when he did - he laughed at her response and made it about her stopping him having his fun

@Mrstumbletap, again, you have the right to say no to your partner at any time and to have that no respected straightaway. It doesn't matter what your sex-life is like. People who have sex with their longterm partners regularly swinging off the chandeliers or not, still get to say no when they're not feeling like it. And if their partner doesn't immediately back off when they say no, their partner is in the wrong.

I think you are being very naive Bluntness. Domestic violence often starts like this and I urge people to trust their instincts.
I have long experience of domestic abuse, my own for 8 years and from working in prisons, refuges and the NHS over the years. I'm 60 now so have years of experience in this field.
It often starts very minimally with men overstepping the boundaries of their wives and partners comfort zones.
At the time you think to yourself, this is nothing right? I'm being stupid, right up until the time you are in A&E with your had bashed in.
If a partner does something that makes you feel very uncomfortable then they need to know. If it's a one off and they never do it again then fine.
But quite often it isn't a one off. People need to trust their instincts as I said and be wary. If it happens again and again when you have specifically said this makes you uncomfortable and you hated it then you really do have a problem and you need to seek help.

do you still have help for your childhood abuse op?
you need to look to that perhaps?

I don't think it's about being 'cool girls'. That phrase is used often on MN to shut up people who think differently. Very disappointing.

Because everyone is different, everyone reacts differently. As someone who was sexually abused for years as a child. I would not find this scenario threatening because this is not my trigger. But that phrase 'touch it' triggered OP. Mine is a different trigger. But I know DH has felt like crap and hurt that I could ever feel scared of him. With communication he has understood what doesnt work for me. I dont know how long OP has been with her DH. But to my mind and non domestic violence experience just talking about her feelings witg her DH makes sense.

@Deathgrip

Christ, some people’s bars are so low they are basically on the floor.

Do you honestly think that this is a normal thing - persisting when your spouse is repeatedly saying no and is visibly reluctant at best, distressed at worst?

Would you keep pushing your partner if they were saying no and clearly didn’t want to touch you?

Unbelievable responses here.

I agree. Fucking hell no wonder men feel so entitled to women's bodies at any and all times.

Also If you know your partner has suffered from childhood abuse and you are a normal sensitive person you do not go into her office, whip your towel off and repeatedly shove your penis in her face when she is clearly not loving it!!!
What's wrong with going into her office and giving her a loving hug, gently kissing her neck and see what happens.
That's what I would expect of a loving partner.

Sorry, OP. I crossed posts with you. I'm glad you can talk to him. Take it easy, be kind to yourself and bear in mind anyone who wants to be with you should treat your feelings and responses as valid.

@justanotherneighinparadise

For the ‘cool girls’ on here who would have automatically dropped to their knees, that’s great, good for you. However OP has said in her posts that she may have found the scenario triggering due to historic abuse. That’s a completely different situation and one that makes pertinent to her relationship and how sex comes about (is demanded).

stop projecting and insulting people who are not ridiculously over-reacting. Your post is more stupid than offensive but you don't come out well out of it.

OP, ignore the hysterical trouble makers who forget this is real life.

You should have a conversation with your DH explaining again how he made you feel really uncomfortable, and you want to keep your business place... work and not mix it with private life.

It's perfectly normal for a partner to want to have a sexual relationship with the person they love, it's perfectly normal to try something a bit different or out of the blue. It's just as normal not to be in the mood and tell him no. No one did anything wrong, but he needs to be mindful that you were uncomfortable. It wasn't malicious by the sound of it.

OP can I suggest you hide the thread and not let any of the comments inferring you are somehow to blame for not wanting to see a penis in your office whilst working.

This is a very strange place at times and I s particularly evident when discussing certain topics

you could have made a joke of it, and touched it with a pen?

stop projecting and insulting people who are not ridiculously over-reacting. Your post is more stupid than offensive but you don't come out well out of it.

OP, ignore the hysterical trouble makers who forget this is real life.

You should have a conversation with your DH explaining again how he made you feel really uncomfortable, and you want to keep your business place... work and not mix it with private life.

It's perfectly normal for a partner to want to have a sexual relationship with the person they love, it's perfectly normal to try something a bit different or out of the blue. It's just as normal not to be in the mood and tell him no. No one did anything wrong, but he needs to be mindful that you were uncomfortable. It wasn't malicious by the sound of it

God the number of people here who can't understand the very simple principle of no means no is so depressing. Rape culture in action.

This thread is really disturbing, op I’d also urge you to hide it.

There are sadly many women who have suffered significant abuse posting, and of course for them this is very triggering as it spells assault, violation, violence.

Based on what you describe and your relationship this does not seem to be the case for you, and it’s great you have a good relationship and can talk to him.

@Quartz2208
I said no repeatedly and was visibly cringing. He didn't stop, I had to shout 'I really do not like this, just stop!'

I wasnt there but her DH may not have seen her obviously cringing. It may have felt that way to her. But not necessarily
obvious to him.

As an example my best friend very recently had a go at me taking the mick. She was being serious and I didnt recognise her reaction. Until she exploded. I was hurt and embarrassed I literally had just walked in without background and was cracking jokes. I was more upset that I upset her though.

[quote Nervousofthed]@Thatwentbadly it's absolutely crossing a line, but it is not sexual assault to me. That has happened to me and it is not in the same league. I'd like advice to move past it.[/quote]
Perhaps someone else can help. But forcing you to do something sexual which you have not consented to is sexual assault. You were very clear in that you said no but he still persisted. He knew you were not consenting. I want to make that clear to other women reading this thread.

The man just dropped his towel and wanted her to touch him. He was trying to be playful and sexual with his 'sexual' partner. And now he is being accused of sexual assault and violating the OP.

Did you miss the part where she was At WORK? Someone else mentioned context, well she was at work in her office, not sat watching telly, or doing housework. Totally inappropriate behaviour from her husband, which escalated when she said no and he continued to try to grab her hand.

A serious conversation needs to be had regarding boundaries.

Consent 101 for the hard of thinking - if someone says no, that should be the end of it.

Right then.

It wasn't any old penis. It was her DH's. If OP didn't like it then yes she should ask him not to it again. However, It was not a sexual assault.

@Skipsurvey

do you still have help for your childhood abuse op? you need to look to that perhaps?

So that her husband can have his penis touched by OP whenever he says so?

@AliceMadHatter, it wasn't the sight of his penis, it was the fact he kept going after she said no. Repeatedly.

After all the media awareness and coverage there has been about consent and 'no meaning no' I'm absolutlely gobsmacked how many women here still haven't got the message and seem to think 'NO' means, 'Please keep on pestering me for sex and pushing me onto your erection as I'm, really enjoying this spontaneous 'fun' - yes me cringing my body away from you is just part of that. Please carry on'

It really doesnt' matter if YOU would have jumped your DH if he came into the room and dropped his towel. OPs post wasn't ' DH came into my room and dropped his towel and asked me to wank him off and I did and I loved it, it was great' Nor was it ' DH came into my room and asked for sex and I said I No I am busy working' so he went away.'

Stop replying to posts that don't exist.

I think he was trying to be spontaneous and try his luck. You're married, stuff like this is what keeps things fun.. sometimes people need a bit of persuading but that doesn't mean it's completely not wanted. As it's clearly made you uncomfortable OP I would have a chat with him, explain what part was acceptable and what made you feel uncomfortable (language etc) to make sure he knows not to do it again. If you can't talk to him about it reasonably then you have problems. As other have said the fact if was your office space is no different to trying to surprise you in the kitchen. Hope you can try and get passed it and chalk it up to misplaced humour

Did you miss the part where she was At WORK? Someone else mentioned context, well she was at work in her office, not sat watching telly, or doing housework.

what does it have to do with anything?

She wasn't in the middle of a zoom meeting, or in front of a patient in a consulting room, and as much as I disagree with the hysterical idiots banging on about sexual assaults, the situation would have been exactly the same in any other room. And frankly, a woman doing housework or watching tv is just as entitled to say no. And a partner not wrong for coming on to their wives - and saying NO is perfectly acceptable either way.