DH came into my office

[Nervousofthed]

Bit of a weird one.

DH and I are wfh at the moment in seperate rooms. We generally leave each other to it, maybe making a tea or lunch for the other.
He often showers in the middle of the day.
After his shower yesterday, he walked into my office in just his towel, insisting that I 'touched it' and dropped his towel. Trying to grab my hand, coming towards me whilst I'm sitting at my desk.
I said no repeatedly and was visibly cringing. He didn't stop, I had to shout 'I really do not like this, just stop!' at which point he did, and laughed it off and insinuating I was a spoil sport. I made it clear it was too much. He's since apologised and acknowledged it was my work space and not OK.

However, that experience seems to have affected me. I am finding it uncomfortable to look at him and talk to him. I've never felt unsafe around him (for context, I was abused as a child), but that encounter made me feel unsafe although it was harmless.

I feel silly that it's had an effect on me. How can I forget about it?

[quote Clymene]@baileys6904

In the OP's own words:

"I am finding it uncomfortable to look at him and talk to him. I've never felt unsafe around him (for context, I was abused as a child), but that encounter made me feel unsafe."

"The scenario was misjudged and he didn't recognise my reaction at all."

Minimising it won't help the OP and her husband get past it. He fucked up. It may have been a one off, it may be a pattern of behaviour. We don't know. But brushing it under the carpet is not the way forward. They need to have a full and frank discussion. [/quote]
As PSP the OPs own words after reading the responses

“I'm also ignoring those insisting that it was sexual assault. It's not helpful to me.”

So why are people still insisting on telling her she’s wrong not to feel how they want her to?

As PSP = also

I think you need a discussion with your OH, which sounds like you will do and he will listen. He has made you uncomfortable (you don't have to call it anything more than that). Discuss what feels ok and what boundary you need. Those lines are totally up to you define and hopefully your H will understand. I have quite firm boundaries about my partner not waking me up with touching or entering the bathroom if I'm showering. I know those might seem fun to others but I'm firm on where I stand with thesee and once I told my partner he was happy to make sure I was comfortable in my own home and I found I was happier exploring other areas. I hope the conversation goes well and that he takes it all on board and you can move forward together.

When some one on the receiving end of an action they don't feel was sexual assault it is really unhelpful and downright disrespectful to tell the recipient it was.

@Nervousofthed I hope you are okay. Whatever you want to do from now on is 100% fine.

@EarringsandLipstick

I've read this thread open-mouthed at a lot of the responses - and throughly depressed.

Here's how I see it:

1. Her H was entirely out of line intruding on her work space & asking her, like a hormonal teenager, to 'touch it'.

1. Once she said no, stop or any combination of this, he should leave, having apologised.

1. OP describes repeatedly saying 'no', cringing & being very obviously uncomfortable in the whole situation. He continued to try to exert his strength over her to force an interactive she did not want

Although I might not use the term 'sexual assault' I don't think it's an incorrect term to use.

Furthermore, he seems to push boundaries regularly - 'trying it on' 'accepting no'. That doesn't sound like a pleasant description of their sex life.

For me, he was utterly inappropriate & I would feel violated by this.

OP, I agree firmly discussing how this made you feel & establishing boundaries is the right first step. But just that - a first step. He needs to reflect on his approach to you.

To those posters who excused this, suggested OP was over-reacting or it was a bit of fun, that this was an example of spontaneity or trying to spice things up 🙄, you need to really work on your understanding of consent, power balance, respect & love.

Good luck OP.

🙄

@baileys6904

People should perhaps focus their responses on how the OP feels, rather than how they thing she should feel

Too many people on here want to put a negative label on one off behaviours and then get pissed off when OPs don't agree. Not everyone is some made sex crazed animal. Some people actually just fuck up and misread the situation.

Not everything is a label

🙌🏻🙌🏻

Shocking the number of women on this thread who think that men can't sexually assault their partners
I've been sexually assaulted by a sexual partner who was drunk and trying it on, and didn't take no for an answer. It was quite a lot like this sounds to be honest. I call it sexual assault because it was. I didn't invite it and I told him to stop and he didn't. Exactly as the OP did.

bailey
Exactly this. Well said.

@clymene yep read that. Also read the multiple posts where OP herself said that this isn't the norm, she didn't not feel threatened and did not feel it to be anyway near being a sexual assault.
Stop telling her how she should feel and escalate a situation that doesn't need escalating. She's not asked if it's an assault. She's asked how to deal with it on a personal level as it has triggered memories from past abuse.
Some women on here, I swear will not be happy till everyone's single and superior. People fuck up. People misread situations, use incorrect words, do silly things. There doesn't have to be an autopsy each time. Just once try supporting the way an OP feels rather than putting your own narrative on to a situation you weren't even at
Best of it is, due to some people refusing to entertain the ops own decision but maintain their own, that woman is likely to come back and get the support for her actual problem because she's too bothered about people kicking her while she's down. Unbelievable

Best of it is, due to some people refusing to entertain the ops own decision but maintain their own, that woman is likely to come back and get the support for her actual problem because she's too bothered about people kicking her while she's down. Unbelievable

Actually OP said This thread has helped me understand what and why, and also how to talk to him about it. Hopefully enough that we move past it quickly and was able to pick out what she found helpful and discard what she didn't.

Just once try supporting the way an OP feels rather than putting your own narrative on to a situation you weren't even at
Right - so why aren't you kicking off at those posters who blathered on about how they'd respond positively (sometimes in quite graphic terms) to her situation? That was massively inappropriate and invalidating to OP's triggered response and upset.

People should perhaps focus their responses on how the OP feels, rather than how they thing she should feel

exactly

[quote baileys6904]@clymene yep read that. Also read the multiple posts where OP herself said that this isn't the norm, she didn't not feel threatened and did not feel it to be anyway near being a sexual assault.
Stop telling her how she should feel and escalate a situation that doesn't need escalating. She's not asked if it's an assault. She's asked how to deal with it on a personal level as it has triggered memories from past abuse.
Some women on here, I swear will not be happy till everyone's single and superior. People fuck up. People misread situations, use incorrect words, do silly things. There doesn't have to be an autopsy each time. Just once try supporting the way an OP feels rather than putting your own narrative on to a situation you weren't even at
Best of it is, due to some people refusing to entertain the ops own decision but maintain their own, that woman is likely to come back and get the support for her actual problem because she's too bothered about people kicking her while she's down. Unbelievable[/quote]
Omg PREACH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Exactly...sounds like what i did to my hubby last week (dropped towel, tried to get him going..he turned me down too...hope i'm not going to be accused of assault).

Of course you won’t.

He’s clearly either cheating on you or he’s got a chronic internet porn addiction.

This is MN after all.

What a well-thought out response @Edel2019 - an eye roll at another poster instead of, you know, using your words.

@category12 I didn't comment on people talking about responding positively because I was responding to an individuals reply to my, that wasn't anything to do with that. Am I only allowed to comment if I address each poster individually? Are you feeling left out?
Read my posts. I didn't invalidate her feelings whatsoever and of course his actions triggered her. She just didn't feel it was sexual assault and I'm not going to try and change her mind because * I DON'T KNOW HER AND I WASN'T THERE * does that stand out enough? Can we go back to supporting the op now or would you like me to dissect my replies a wee bit more for you?

@earringsandlipstick

A picture tells a thousand words. I thought it was more than clear what she meant without blathering on like some :)

OP has already said she got what she needed from the thread.

@EarringsandLipstick

What a well-thought out response *@Edel2019* - an eye roll at another poster instead of, you know, using your words.

🙄

🙄🙄

[quote baileys6904]@earringsandlipstick

A picture tells a thousand words. I thought it was more than clear what she meant without blathering on like some :)

[/quote]
🤣🤣🙌🏻💯

@LastDayOfMay

Exactly...sounds like what i did to my hubby last week (dropped towel, tried to get him going..he turned me down too...hope i'm not going to be accused of assault).

Of course you won’t.

He’s clearly either cheating on you or he’s got a chronic internet porn addiction.

This is MN after all.

Don't forget the death grip............ or that he's abusing you in being a controlling bastard by holding the power of turning you down.

He is clearly a narcissist and you should be looking to leave the relationship as soon as possible.

Most of these sexual assault nutters are most likely single - seriously, who would or who could put up with being in a relationship with someone who holds their views?

And if they aren't single.......... their partner is probably serving a prison sentence for some sort of violation against them.

This is not sexual assault. It seems as if he was trying his luck and trying to have a bit of fun. Seriously men cant win can they. Do not cry rape. Poor bloke

@WinterWhore

This is not sexual assault. It seems as if he was trying his luck and trying to have a bit of fun. Seriously men cant win can they. Do not cry rape. Poor bloke

This is a shocking, uninformed post. Shame on you.

He's was being a twat. I assume you have a laptop in there, for one thing? What if you had been on a call and he didn't know? He also doesn't have natural respect for boundries in other ways either. For fucks sake, a woman shouldn't have to say no multiple times or shout for him to stop. Not good. He should have withdrawn himself before it got to that point.

@Thatwentbadly

I’m sorry he did this to you. He sexually assaulted you. I’m not sure this is something you should just try and forget.

You are fucking kidding right?