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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH came into my office

221 replies

Nervousofthed · 05/12/2020 08:13

Bit of a weird one.

DH and I are wfh at the moment in seperate rooms. We generally leave each other to it, maybe making a tea or lunch for the other.
He often showers in the middle of the day.
After his shower yesterday, he walked into my office in just his towel, insisting that I 'touched it' and dropped his towel. Trying to grab my hand, coming towards me whilst I'm sitting at my desk.
I said no repeatedly and was visibly cringing. He didn't stop, I had to shout 'I really do not like this, just stop!' at which point he did, and laughed it off and insinuating I was a spoil sport. I made it clear it was too much. He's since apologised and acknowledged it was my work space and not OK.

However, that experience seems to have affected me. I am finding it uncomfortable to look at him and talk to him. I've never felt unsafe around him (for context, I was abused as a child), but that encounter made me feel unsafe although it was harmless.

I feel silly that it's had an effect on me. How can I forget about it?

OP posts:

Crustmasiscoming · 05/12/2020 10:12

I dont think this is ok. I think him going into the room and chancing it is ok in the context of a loving marriage, but as soon as the other person says "no" then that's it. It stops. My DH often instigates sex when I am not in the mood (he has the worst timing) but I have never had to say no to him more than once. It's a simple word that is easy to understand.

DameFanny · 05/12/2020 10:15

@FreekStar

It's still not sexual assault because he didn't touch her- sexual harassment at a push maybe.

Isn't flashing sexual assault then? Honest question, I've never looked it up.

diddl · 05/12/2020 10:21

"He needs to understand that his behaviour - not accepting your "No" - is problematic."

Absolutely-I mean he is supposed to love & care about Op-why would he want to try to force her into havong sex when she doesn't want to?

Plus WFH doesn't mean that Op is available for him-even if she was "in the mood"!

dabbadabbadoooo · 05/12/2020 10:22

@madcatladyforever

Oh my god ! For the here saying it was sexual assault . I am shocked

Then you don't understand what it is like to be abused as a child, incidents like this can cause heightened emotions asnd terror when you have been abused. Abused people are never normal people and need to be treated with a bit more respect, we are not robust.
I have complex PTSD due to childhood abuse and any behaviour like this would totally freak me out. Any partner of mine has to understand this or I cannot live with them.
I urge OP to get some psychiatric help. You never jjust "get over" abuse. It has very long lasting effects.

Actually I do know what it's like to be sexually assaulted. I was raped a few years back .

Anyoldname12 · 05/12/2020 10:27

The overall definition of sexual or indecent assault is an act of physical, psychological and emotional violation in the form of a sexual act, inflicted on someone without their consent. It can involve forcing or manipulating someone to witness or participate in any sexual acts.

Tried to physically make her touch his genitals.
Didn’t stop when she asked.
Emotional manipulation by calling her a spoilsport.

If it looks, sounds and smells like a duck....
But he apologised so it’s all ok...

Clymene · 05/12/2020 10:29

He was trying to grab her hand to force her to touch his penis. That's sexual assault.

I'm really sorry OP, I would be utterly distraught if my husband did this. You're not silly and you haven't overreacted.

Maybe you should make him watch the cup of tea video so that understands how to approach you for sex.

It shouldn't be about 'trying it on'

lifeinlimbo2020 · 05/12/2020 10:33

@dewisant2020

It appears to me he was trying to be a bit spontaneous and also try he's luck. I wouldn't exactly call it sexual assault.

This. That is not sexual assault fgs. It's not on at all but not sexual assault.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 05/12/2020 10:34

A serious conversation needs to be had regarding boundaries.

I agree. I can imagine my XP doing that, and persisting for the fun of watching me getting stressed. Which is one the reasons he’s X.

Annoymou5e · 05/12/2020 10:35

I’m not sure why this has turned into a legal conversation. The OP hasn’t asked whether the points to prove of a sexual offence was made out.

It seems that what was perhaps a bad joke/ a try on by yourself partner triggered some unhappy memories for you and made you uncomfortable. A discussion regarding boundaries maybe be helpful if not there are helplines for those who how dealt with historic abuse, hope you feel better and can move on

Annoymou5e · 05/12/2020 10:35

@Annoymou5e

I’m not sure why this has turned into a legal conversation. The OP hasn’t asked whether the points to prove of a sexual offence was made out.

Your partner* not yourself

Backbee · 05/12/2020 10:38

It sounds like you have spoken about it from your posts OP? But if you haven't, definitely will help you move on by talking to him honestly about it and how it made you feel.

Thefaceofboe · 05/12/2020 10:41

It appears to me he was trying to be a bit spontaneous and also try he's luck. I wouldn't exactly call it sexual assault

This^^ sexual assault is a very strong word and I’m sure people who have been sexually assaulted think it’s a ridiculous comparison.

Whatamesssss · 05/12/2020 10:42

I think because you were in work mode and the last thing you expect is a penis. I would imagine you were shocked and a bit taken unawares. As you have previous trauma, it was probably triggering.

Maybe he thought you would find it exciting and misread your signals to stop, which is his fault.

Maybe have a chat and remind him why you don't want that behaviour and explain your reactions so he can understand where you are coming from and so he doesn't do it again.

Hope you feel better about it soon.

Original poster

Nervousofthed · 05/12/2020 10:45

@backbee yes, we had a very brief conversation. I now realise that I hadn't really worked out how I was feeling so I just blurted out that it wasn't really ok. But it was a very quick convo and we didn't really get to the point that I felt we understood each other.

This thread has helped me understand what and why, and also how to talk to him about it. Hopefully enough that we move past it quickly

OP posts:

Clymene · 05/12/2020 10:48

It fits the definition of sexual assault but I agree that it's not a helpful conversation to have.

It also doesn't mean that the OP and her husband can't move past it.

category12 · 05/12/2020 10:50

It's very generous to say ignoring repeated "No"s is misreading signals .

The fundamental of consent is accepting a No the first time.

BluePheasant · 05/12/2020 11:00

It's understandable that's it effected you strongly as you have a history of abuse and something like this that would be laughed off by others is more likely to stir up stronger feelings in you. It's not silly at all.

I think as long DP understands how and why it upset you and promises to consider your feelings more in future then you don't have a problem here.

Him laughing it off was probably his way of hiding that he felt a bit embarrassed and stupid by the rejection rather than being disrespectful.

Deathgrip · 05/12/2020 11:07

sometimes people need a bit of persuading but that doesn't mean it's completely not wanted.

Gobsmacked. What the actual fuck?

Some people have clearly never heard of enthusiastic consent.

OP, you’re absolutely right to talk to him and tell him how it has affected you. I have also experienced abuse as a child and as an adult, this would be a massive bloody problem for me, and his dismissive response even more so. Even if he had failed to notice you saying no repeatedly, laughing at you and calling you a spoilsport rather than apologising for obviously upsetting you and in the knowledge of your history is not something I could let go easily. I hope he is suitably apologetic and knows not to behave this way again, and to respect your bodily autonomy in future.

LindaEllen · 05/12/2020 11:12

I think people are far too quick to pull the 'sexual assault' card on this website sometimes. It's very unfair to the innocent men who just want a bit of a laugh or are trying it on etc. I'm not saying that ALL situations would be innocent, but fuck me, if my DP had got out the shower I can see this exact situation playing out. Him saying touch it, me groaning and saying no, no, I'm working etc. He, like OP, would stop as soon as I let him know I was being absolutely serious.

In a marriage, when you're supposed to be open and comfortable about things like sex, it's not the same as if you'd met a guy at a party and he'd taken you into another room for example. It's absolutely important that they know when to stop (perhaps having a code word for 'absolutely stop, right now' would help), but there's so much playful banter in the bedroom sometimes that it is genuinely hard sometimes to know that no means no on this occasion.

Let the guy off the hook for fuck sake. He stopped when she made it clear. He's a normal, loving husband, and doesn't need the witches of mumsnet screaming 'sex offender' in his face.

TweeBree · 05/12/2020 11:16

@Anyoldname12

Tried to physically make her touch his genitals.
Didn’t stop when she asked.
Emotional manipulation by calling her a spoilsport.

If it looks, sounds and smells like a duck....
But he apologised so it’s all ok...

Exactly this. I've been sexually assaulted and whatever you want to call this, he was abusive.

OP, please call the National Domestic Abuse helpline if you need someone impartial to speak to about it: www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

SweetPetrichor · 05/12/2020 11:17

If my DP did that I’d give him a gentle flick in the balls and send him on his way, no harm no foul.

TweeBree · 05/12/2020 11:20

He, like OP, would stop as soon as I let him know I was being absolutely serious.

Except he didn't stop when he knew 'she was serious'.

I said no repeatedly and was visibly cringing. He didn't stop, I had to shout 'I really do not like this, just stop!' at which point he did

There was nothing subtle about her repeated attempts to get him to stop.

Lavenderfieldsofprovence · 05/12/2020 11:21

@dewisant2020

It appears to me he was trying to be a bit spontaneous and also try he's luck. I wouldn't exactly call it sexual assault.

Neither would I. @Thatwentbadly you are not helping OP trying to guide her down this route.

Clearly from what you’ve said him trying his luck is his usual behaviour. The fact that you’ve been able to explain why you didn’t like it, and he apologised is good. I wonder whether you need to have another detailed discussion about boundaries, which might be helpful in reminding him what’s appropriate. It sounds like he doesn’t read you you well at all.

Seeingadistance · 05/12/2020 11:21

@TwentyViginti

Of course this is not sexual assault, he was playing and having a laugh and took it too far, not understanding the ops reaction.

From OP's very clear description, I can understand and 'see' her reaction, and I wasn't there.

Why do you think her husband did not understand the word no.

I can also ‘see’ this situation from the description, and that’s a good question.

LH1987 · 05/12/2020 11:23

Tell him exactly how it made you feel including the context of previous assault so he understands. This might help you move past it.

Sorry this happened to you and that it has made you uncomfortable. For what it’s worth, I think it is a bit of stretch for people to say this is sexual assault.

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