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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH came into my office

221 replies

Nervousofthed · 05/12/2020 08:13

Bit of a weird one.

DH and I are wfh at the moment in seperate rooms. We generally leave each other to it, maybe making a tea or lunch for the other.
He often showers in the middle of the day.
After his shower yesterday, he walked into my office in just his towel, insisting that I 'touched it' and dropped his towel. Trying to grab my hand, coming towards me whilst I'm sitting at my desk.
I said no repeatedly and was visibly cringing. He didn't stop, I had to shout 'I really do not like this, just stop!' at which point he did, and laughed it off and insinuating I was a spoil sport. I made it clear it was too much. He's since apologised and acknowledged it was my work space and not OK.

However, that experience seems to have affected me. I am finding it uncomfortable to look at him and talk to him. I've never felt unsafe around him (for context, I was abused as a child), but that encounter made me feel unsafe although it was harmless.

I feel silly that it's had an effect on me. How can I forget about it?

OP posts:
category12 · 05/12/2020 08:35

@Nervousofthed

To be clear, Apart from this one time, he takes no for an answer.
In that case, I'd agree that he has triggered you, as toothfairy73 says.

He has broken your trust in him as a safe person and needs to work to rebuild that trust, by not being pushy about sex and accepting your soft nos and hard nos straightaway (and not keep trying, if he does). I'd make sure he understands or at least agrees to that.

You could consider counselling or therapy for yourself, but I think it's important that you don't sweep it under the carpet because you don't want repeats.

Original poster
Nervousofthed · 05/12/2020 08:37

Yes he knows what happened, yes I've had some counselling. I suppose you are right, it was a bit if a trigger.

I think he does understand, and a conversation around trust would help me.

OP posts:
Doingitaloneandproud · 05/12/2020 08:37

It's not sexual assault and the OP can recognise that. Sounds like he got carried away trying it on. I would have a discussion with him stating that kind of behaviour is not on and not appreciated

WhyDoYouAsk · 05/12/2020 08:39

The whole thing depends entirely on context.
Whether you both usually want impromptu sex, whether you both like to come on to each other and all that...

If my DH did that I would have laughed, flicked it away and told him to get lost but as I said, context is everything.
In a different relationship I might feel bullied, harassed and pushed into doing something I didn’t want especially if he was persistent.

Sounds like this sort of thing isn’t a normal part of your relationship. You don’t have to do anything you don’t like.

You say he ‘Insisted’ you touched it? Definitely way too persistent.
Is there history of him being a bit of a sex pest?

Srslydontgiveacrap · 05/12/2020 08:39

Interesting range of responses here!

To be honest, if my DH came into my office in a towel, I would probably go down on him. I'd find it quite exciting in the middle of the working day!
But then I don't have a DH....

Jobsharenightmare · 05/12/2020 08:39

I'm sorry OP. I think what's happened is this has triggered your memory network and experiences from the past have now become active again, meaning you've been left with the same sensations in your body, feelings and thoughts as when you went through the abusive situation before. Have you got a therapist you can talk to? How do you feel about a chat with women's aid about what happened?

WhyDoYouAsk · 05/12/2020 08:40

He needs to be way more sensitive to your feelings OP. Especially given your past experiences.

Quartz2208 · 05/12/2020 08:41

Yes I think for moving on you cant simply squash these feelings and pretend it didnt happen. You have been triggered and your response is one that you need to allow and accept as being one that is ok.

It wasnt harmless he invaded your safe work space that should be separate, didnt stop and laughed it off and called you a spoil sport. That isnt ok (and indeed calling you a spoil sport is equally bad).

I think you need to tell him that not only was it not ok that it was you safe work space but that a simple no from you should have indicated it wasnt ok and he should have left. Continuing/laughing and than making it your fault isnt ok

38DegreesToday · 05/12/2020 08:46

@userxx

It appears to me he was trying to be a bit spontaneous and also try he's luck. I wouldn't exactly call it sexual assault.

Exactly this.

Agree.
MamaAffrika · 05/12/2020 08:47

I think this is more about your relationship than about him. I'd be delighted if my husband spontaneously wiggled his willy at me (so long as I wasn't live on a zoom call!). But then I've never had your experiences of sexual assualt. I would never cringe about it and shout no. I'd find it hilarious and delightful.
If my husband did anything that I had to shout NO about that loudly then I'd be concerned about whether he understood me on every level. I'd hoped that your DH would know you well enough to realise that would make you feel uncomfortable - it's sounds like he was probably keen for some action after his shower and tried to impress you with his appendage. Stupid joke gone wrong.

TwentyViginti · 05/12/2020 08:49

Do you think he's capable of understanding?

I feel this is the crux of the matter. Any woman would understand how alarming this can be, as most of us have been the recipient of unwanted sexual advances, all of us have been warned about the danger of possible assault from at least early teen years, and have been socialised to be vigilant. This times 100 for those abused as a child.

Men who have been sexually assaulted or abused would understand, but men who have no experience of being hyper alert to unwanted sexual attention would not really understand how unbalanced it can make a woman feel, even if the attention is from her partner.

differentnameforthis · 05/12/2020 08:50

He violated you. It wasn't harmless at all.

You will only "forget" about it in time, but you shouldn't completely forget... be aware that this may kick off other things that push your boundaries.

differentnameforthis · 05/12/2020 08:54

@Nervousofthed

I'm sorry, but it doesn't matter about leagues... pp is right, this is sexual assault. He did not stop at no, and continued to try to make you touch him.

Would you dismiss it if it were a stranger?

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 05/12/2020 08:54

Tell him directly, in no uncertain terms, that he is never to do that again. And mean it.

If he does it again he isn’t a decent, caring man and you need to think very carefully about whether you want to stay married to him.

londonscalling · 05/12/2020 08:56

He may initially have been joking around or trying his luck. However, when he saw your reaction he should have stopped. He needs to realise how uncomfortable this has made you and that he shouldn't do it again!

Littlemissnutcracker · 05/12/2020 08:57

He was just chancing his arm for a bit of fun but after being though what you have been through I would sit him down todah and explicitly and assertively tell him it is never to happen again. He hasn't been through what you have and he needs to reassure you it won't happen.

lostintheday · 05/12/2020 08:57

@MyOwnSummer

You can't force yourself to forget anything.

What isn't clear in your post is whether he really understands how terrifying it can be for a woman for a man to use his superior size and strength to force a situation. There's a saying "men are scared women will laugh at them, women are scared men will kill them" - because in most cases, they will always win any physical confrontation.

He has damaged trust between you in a fundamental way by his behaviour. Whether you can move past it depends on whether he can really understand that his behaviour is not harmless, not a joke and can never be repeated. Do you think he's capable of understanding?

All of this.

I think most men never stop to think what it is like for a women being smaller and weaker and having to rely on a man being 'decent' to you.

I've had times when a man's behaviour has reminded me that I need to rely on him not to hurt me, even though he would think he was just 'messing about', and every time I have hated it.

OP, Flowers

dabbadabbadoooo · 05/12/2020 08:58

Oh my god ! For the here saying it was sexual assault . I am shocked . God hell being your partner I would be too scared to go near you. We all tolerate and find funny different things . If my partner came in and done this . And we both have probably done certain things like this to each other . We both laugh our heads off and either get on with it or we both say later . I am really sorry you have been through what you have op and I do think what he done did bring back memories and feelings for you . But he didn't do it to hurt you intentionally. You need a good talk to him and I highly doubt he would do that again . X

madcatladyforever · 05/12/2020 08:58

Coming into your workspace and insisting you touch his penis.
He knows you were abused as a child.
He knows you were at work so you were not in the home headspace.
He kept insisting despite you being visibly upset.
He has crossed a line, there is no doubt about that.
I fear things may escalate from here and I urge you to be very wary.
This type of behaviour is threatening, it's unpleasant ad he is trying to make a point. A nasty one and prove his dominance over you.
For my first husband an episode like this led to domestic abuse eventually and time in a refuge.
I think you need to talk to him and assert yourself at this point and say this was totally unacceptable and if it happens again you will leave him.

Littlemissnutcracker · 05/12/2020 08:58

Sorry I wrote that badly. But I meant talk to him today and ask for his reassurance.

winterberries77 · 05/12/2020 09:00

I’ve been sexually assaulted twice in my life, people saying this is sexual assault minimises how traumatic a sexual assault actually is. If my dh did this I know for sure I wouldn’t feel violated as I did when I was actually assaulted.

Keratinsmooth · 05/12/2020 09:01

Have a chat, get him to see how it made you feel and get him to assure you that he won’t do it again and then make a change in your office.

Can you move your desk or chair, it will help you mentally put it in the past, when you walk into your office it will be your office as is now, not how it was then. Hope that makes sense. Maybe add a new plant, picture, new bin etc

lostintheday · 05/12/2020 09:01

The whole thing depends entirely on context

No it doesn't. OP said no, repeatedly. That is the only context. She kept saying no. He should have stopped. Added to that he would have been able to read OPs face and body language to tell she was hating it.

madcatladyforever · 05/12/2020 09:01

Oh my god ! For the here saying it was sexual assault . I am shocked

Then you don't understand what it is like to be abused as a child, incidents like this can cause heightened emotions asnd terror when you have been abused. Abused people are never normal people and need to be treated with a bit more respect, we are not robust.
I have complex PTSD due to childhood abuse and any behaviour like this would totally freak me out. Any partner of mine has to understand this or I cannot live with them.
I urge OP to get some psychiatric help. You never jjust "get over" abuse. It has very long lasting effects.

MynephewR · 05/12/2020 09:03

I think you just need to have a really thorough conversation about it with him tbh. Explain how it made you feel and why it made you feel that way. He can explain why he did it and how he thought you would react. The laughing and insinuating that you are a spoil sport could either be embarrassment that he got it so wrong or it could be him trying to make you feel like shit for rejecting him. Only you know him well enough to know that and I think that you will find out by talking it through. The fact that he grabbed your hand and insisted that you "touch it" is not okay. Again I think that either he was embarrassed and trying to make it into a jokey thing or he was purposely trying to pressure you. Definitely have a proper talk about it.

I suspect this is a massive misjudgement on his part, I could be wrong of course.