My partner is putting off trying for a baby

[Birdland86]

Hello, first ever post, I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice?

I've been with my partner 4 year and we both are in agreement that we want to have children. I'm 34 and he's 38. We are not in a great financial situation, we are both artists and have freelance type jobs to make money. I don't think we will ever have loads of money but we are resourceful and loving and we think we can make having children work.

The issue is that I feel like he just keep putting it off, it's never the right time to start trying. The conversations about having children are starting to make me more upset and the last discussion ended in an argument. He said that I'm pressuring him and these conversations are making him want to have children less.

I've tried telling him that I feel the longer you leave it the harder it might be to conceive and there are higher risks of complications. Plus it can take time to conceive anyway. Another issue is that he never wants to have sex, it might be once a month if I'm lucky. Another factor that might make conceiving slow or difficult.

I'm starting to feel like a crazy woman and a bit unsure of what to do!

I don't believe he wants chikdren with you.

He sounds like he is happy in his hippy lifestyje - no real responsibility which in itself is fine. But this doesn't sound lijecwhat you want.

I would get yourself back in the uk asap- tell him thats what you are doing hus decision if he wants to join you.

Get yourself in a job, will help witj maternity pay.

You will find out what he plans to do. .. you are then regardless in a better position to become a mum.

The refusing every time you want sex is concerning. It can be a form of control.

I am left wondering what he does to make you happy. What does he do for you? When he asks ehat you want ?

Good point about how it shouldn't be my job to suggest ways to improve his sex issues as well. Why hasn't he tried to confront it? Doesn't he think it's important? Does it bother him that I might find it difficult?

It’s your job to fix it because you are the only one who has a problem with it / him.

He’s not tried to confront it because he’s happy the way he is.

No he clearly doesn't think it’s important because in the 8 months you have been talking about it he’s not spent 5 mins on Google researching it.

No it doesn’t bother him at all that you might find it difficult.

OP, I agree you're flogging a dead horse.

Most of the stuff you're posting is about trying to make him agree with your POV. That isn't going to happen.

So go to the UK, if that's where you want to have your DC, and find someone on the same page as you.

Stop trying to factor him into your plans, it really isn't going to be worth it.

You put much more store in his words than his actions. That makes you easy to manipulate whether deliberately or not.

Stop trying to change him. Stop talking about why you want him to change. Stop talking about what you want. I expect he tunes you out now given you never act on what you want.

I also suspect he successfully acts on what he wants, which might be an easy relationship that feels a bit like a holiday romance while getting his laundry done.

Get a job in the UK, book your ticket and tell him when it is done. Not an ultimatum. You moving on with your life and him deciding if he wants to come with you or not.

I hope he doesn't follow. Resentful man-child as father is a disaster. You'd be much better off with a sperm donor.

Oh OP. You seem to be determined that the only way forward is to get him to say you're right, I don't want kids....which isn't going to happen. He very well might, just not right now and not with you.

Having to "work on" getting your partner to want to have sex with you, before you even get to children and the stress they bring, is a sure sign this relationship isn't right.

He knows it. He'll never say it because he wouldn't want to lose you and the familiar comforting relationship he has and likes. He is never going to say the words that you need to hear to be released. You are the only way out of this.

“Get a job in the UK, book your ticket and tell him when it is done. Not an ultimatum. You moving on with your life and him deciding if he wants to come with you or not.”

This.

Sending you a hug. It must be hard to read all these people telling you that the person you are with is unlikely to be the right person to start a family with. Pram in the hall and all that. Having a child, no matter how much it’s wanted is relentlessly hard work. Doing it without any support system is exponentially harder. Friends and family make a huge difference to how much you enjoy the experience.
Good luck whatever you decide; choose that which empowers you.

@PerseverancePays I couldn't agree more! I desperately wanted children and there are days that end with me in tears from the sheer stress of having 2 toddlers - and that's with a very supportive husband!

If his heart isn't in it, he may not be a very active father after the baby is born.

[quote Mrsmummy90]@PerseverancePays I couldn't agree more! I desperately wanted children and there are days that end with me in tears from the sheer stress of having 2 toddlers - and that's with a very supportive husband!

If his heart isn't in it, he may not be a very active father after the baby is born.[/quote]
I also desperately wanted my children, but with all my family abroad and a husband that thought being supportive was to work seven days a week, I felt so alone and sad.
The op’s partner also thinks that she doesn’t need her family and friends, and just the two of them will be just fine. Only he’s not very involved, what with the wine and the sunsets, kids don’t really appreciate either of those things!
Bringing up children is not for sissies! You have to seriously step up. A lot of fathers I’ve met seem-to think that parenting is an optional thing you do when you fancy it! The reality is so different.