My partner is putting off trying for a baby

[Birdland86]

Hello, first ever post, I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice?

I've been with my partner 4 year and we both are in agreement that we want to have children. I'm 34 and he's 38. We are not in a great financial situation, we are both artists and have freelance type jobs to make money. I don't think we will ever have loads of money but we are resourceful and loving and we think we can make having children work.

The issue is that I feel like he just keep putting it off, it's never the right time to start trying. The conversations about having children are starting to make me more upset and the last discussion ended in an argument. He said that I'm pressuring him and these conversations are making him want to have children less.

I've tried telling him that I feel the longer you leave it the harder it might be to conceive and there are higher risks of complications. Plus it can take time to conceive anyway. Another issue is that he never wants to have sex, it might be once a month if I'm lucky. Another factor that might make conceiving slow or difficult.

I'm starting to feel like a crazy woman and a bit unsure of what to do!

When we were trying to conceive we had very business-like sex, especially once we realised it wasn't happening quickly. It wasn't much fun to be honest and I used to obsess over how many times we did it (or not) Also the need to dtd at the right time of the month- we literally timetabled it to particular days. And as it never happened, it had a harmful effect on the fun side of our sex life.

I remember then reading that if a couple only had sex once a month, it would take 4 years on average to conceive.

Something to consider?

@Fefifofaff

Babdoc that sounds completely unfair, no idea where you're getting that from. He sounds like a dreamer who is incompatible with what the OP wants from life. But he doesn't sound like a nasty person who is cheating and thinks OP would sabotage her contraception.

I think for sure he is a dreamer. Nice idea really. But in our talk last night he started on the whole "don't you think you should be more philosophical about this..." and I said I think I've been trying to philosophise myself out of acknowledging what I truly want and feel for far too long. I need to be honest with myself and if that makes me less "free spirited" then so be it!

I never post on relationships because I have so little knowledge of what makes them work , but I love to read them!
What really sticks out for me is that you say he’s an artist , a very self centred creative; he just wants to drink wine and watch the sunset, he doesn’t want to go back to the uk and get a steady job. These are not things that are going to change. Do you really want to have a child, a job and support a lazy, self centred, unemployed partner who probs won’t get round to doing his share of looking after his child?

I think you would be carrying a dead weight.

@Sundance2741

When we were trying to conceive we had very business-like sex, especially once we realised it wasn't happening quickly. It wasn't much fun to be honest and I used to obsess over how many times we did it (or not) Also the need to dtd at the right time of the month- we literally timetabled it to particular days. And as it never happened, it had a harmful effect on the fun side of our sex life.

I remember then reading that if a couple only had sex once a month, it would take 4 years on average to conceive.

Something to consider?

Oh my god really? 4 years? I will consider this for sure. It makes sense really, especially as you get further into your 30s.

@PerseverancePays

I never post on relationships because I have so little knowledge of what makes them work , but I love to read them! What really sticks out for me is that you say he’s an artist , a very self centred creative; he just wants to drink wine and watch the sunset, he doesn’t want to go back to the uk and get a steady job. These are not things that are going to change. Do you really want to have a child, a job and support a lazy, self centred, unemployed partner who probs won’t get round to doing his share of looking after his child? I think you would be carrying a dead weight.

Yeah this is a really good point, I don't think he will change, definitely not any time soon. And do I want to be the one to crush his dream of drinking wine and watching the sunset in Portugal. I don't want him to resent me. And for sure I don't want to be in a situation where I'm doing the majority of the paid work, housework and child caring.

OP If he wants a baby with you - as he says he does - I assume you are now having unprotected sex?

I could end up wasting more years though because he seems to just tell me what I want to hear but his actions don't match

You are right OP. I think you know what you need to do.

Sorry I know it’s very hard. I understand that you love him - you just want different things in life. It’s no ones fault.

@NoSquirrels

And I echo the point from a PP (which you acknowledge from your own observation is true) that blokes in the arts or creative professions have an unfortunate tendency to fuck around being noncommittal in their relationships through their 30s and early 40s, then suddenly find someone younger to procreate with. We watched this exact thing play out - long-term girlfriend desperate for children, bloke stalling all through her mid-late 30s. Then left her and found someone else younger who was pregnant within 6 months. They have a very happy partnership and it was a good thing for him, but he really did stitch up his former girlfriend. Not deliberately at all, he’s a good bloke. But the outcome of their relationship for her was much more life-altering than for him in terms of the long-term.

So your bloke might be a good bloke too. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find someone better. Not every relationship is destined to be The One and better to make hard choices younger than suffer for lost time and bad decisions later.

Easy to say from here, I know. But I really feel for you.

God this is so sad, and I've seen it happen as well. And such a good point in that the outcome for the former girlfriend is far more life altering.

He is a good bloke, very loving, gentle and considerate. It's just that the things that are lacking are important deal breakers for me if I want to have children. Thank you, it's difficult but I think I need to wake up to the reality.

@EarthSight

I've tried telling him that I feel the longer you leave it the harder it might be to conceive and there are higher risks of complications. Plus it can take time to conceive anyway. Another issue is that he never wants to have sex, it might be once a month if I'm lucky. Another factor that might make conceiving slow or difficult

Sorry OP, but I think he knows this and is stalling as much as possible. It is not wise for you to wait until you're 38. You're being perfectly reasonable at being worried about this. He's likely trying to derail you and minimise your very justified concerns with that nonsense story about his friend.

Imagine trying for a year, and then having a massive falling out and then being single again. Your window then would be very small and the chance of having a child with birth defects or disability much higher. He might resent having children now, but at least then you'll both have them. If you wait until your late 30s and you have fertility difficulties, I think the resentment and anger you feel towards him will be so great you won't want to be with him anymore.

I think he probably doesn't want children. Maybe he used to, but he might have changed his mind and is struggling on how to deal with it because he knows it's such a big issue and doesn't want to lose you. He thinks he can keep on stalling until it's too late.....at great cost to you. :(

Fore sure he is stalling. I'm so glad so many others have advised it's not wise to wait until 38. I don't have many others to talk to about this being stuck with just him in a flat in Portugal!

He thinks I worry too much about hypothetical future problems. Whilst I know over worrying isn't healthy, I feel strongly that this particular worry is valid.

He says he wanted children since he was in his 20s. He's been telling himself this for a long time but has not seriously thought about it how it would actually happen.

@Nicknamegoeshere

OP If he wants a baby with you - as he says he does - I assume you are now having unprotected sex?

Nope, we are using condoms when we do have sex. Speaks volumes doesn't it?

@S00LA

I could end up wasting more years though because he seems to just tell me what I want to hear but his actions don't match

You are right OP. I think you know what you need to do.

Sorry I know it’s very hard. I understand that you love him - you just want different things in life. It’s no ones fault.

Yeah it's really hard. I did say to him when we had our argument that I feel like we want different things in life, but he thinks that we do

How hard was it for him to look you in the eye and say that when he thought his relationship was on the line? Really, that's nothing. Seriously go now. Get your life on track. Grow up. He's afraid to, you mustn't be.

@OneForTheRoadThen

I wouldn't set any store in him looking into your eyes and saying he wants kids with you unless he takes concrete steps to make it happen. At the moment he's all talk. If you're decided that having kids is a dealbreaker for you then you need to set a timeline and walk away if it's not being met. I really hope it all works out for you.

Thank you. His words haven't really taken away the concerns I have and if I don't see any serious change I really need to think about walking away. I might actually jot down a timeline!

@picklemewalnuts

How hard was it for him to look you in the eye and say that when he thought his relationship was on the line? Really, that's nothing. Seriously go now. Get your life on track. Grow up. He's afraid to, you mustn't be.

Yes good point, I think he is terrified of losing me and so is maybe saying what he thinks I want to hear. I really want to get my life back on track and need to find some strength to make it happen.

This is your ‘make or break’ moment, of had a similar one in my life around the same age. I left, became engaged to someone else and went on to have two children. Never regretted my decision for a moment.

This man does not want children right now. I suspect because of financial reasons and seeing that you both work in an industry that is notoriously difficult to make decent money in, i suspect his decision won’t change. So now you have to decide whether you love him enough to stay and take a gamble on children in the future. Or if you go and find a new relationship where the man is potentially in a more settled position to be open to a family.

Only you can decide that.

@Birdland86 Sadly it does. My advice would be to move on. Please don't waste your fertile years. If you did fall pregnant I don't think he'd be a supportive parent.
My fiancé and I have just had a baby together (planned) but at 40 and 44 it isn't always easy. I'm definitely more tired than when I had my other two in my mid-late twenties.
But on the other hand we wouldn't be without her.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

He seems quite content as he is so I would still make plans to leave him all the same. Words are cheap, look at actions. If you're only having sex once a month too then how does that square with him supposedly wanting a child. It does not.

How much longer are you going to be satisfied by empty words?. Are you really that afraid to move on with your life?

Yes anyone can say anything, it's easy, actions are what count. I've been feeling so low and probably a bit depressed, probably because these issues have been eating away at me inside. I've lost my fight a little but I know I need to find some strength to get things back on track.

@Shoxfordian

It sounds like a good chat but he needs to follow that up with some actions. Did you talk about the lack of sex? There's nothing wrong with wanting marriage and children if that's what you want

Talking about the lack of sex was on the tip of my tongue but felt bad for him in the end so didn't say it. I do want to talk about it so I'm going to have another talk with him soon.

You need to mention the lack of sex as it won’t get any better as he hats older.
Have you ever had anything happen that has questioned his sexuality in your mind ?

I think there is too much talking and not enough doing.

When he said he really wanted children with you has this been followed up by unprotected sex?

Talking about other people having children at 37 is fine but you aren’t other people and you want to start trying now.

He can talk and drink wine and philosophise all he likes but ultimately you want children now and he doesn’t.
And if you wait for when he does then you could be too late and I am sure he won’t stick with you if and when he decides that children are what he wants.

The relationship is doomed just purely on the amount of sex you have without adding in to the mix the disparity on other things in your life.

@Porcupineinwaiting

If trying for kids now is non negotiable for you (it was for me at 34) then tell him that. It concerns me that you are not married though. Whose career would be most impacted by having a child? Have you explored and discussed the costs and practicalities? If in a couple of years he decides it's not for him and walks away, could you manage alone?

A final thing to consider (sorry for the negativity) is the country you are in. If you want to live in the uk but are not, would you be allowed to move there once baby is born if he decides he wants to stay?

At 34 you really start feeling like you are running out of time. I'd also like to get married but having kids seems to be more pressing because of my biological clock.

I think my career would be more heavily impacted. He works from home teaching English online and I was working as an archivist back in the UK. We touched upon the costs and practicalities but not in any serious way. So perhaps having a really good look at that needs to happen. I think I could manage alone if I was back in my support network of friends and family.

Re moving back to the UK if we had a baby, again I haven't actually read up on it so I should do some reading. With brexit there could be some complications as well. I would rather be back in the UK if we had a baby as I would want the support and I know the system better.

The only thing that strikes me as wrong here is that he is probably lying to himself as much as you.

The lifestyle that ye enjoy is a very particular one.
Child free and focusing on the moment and yere Art.

Absolutely nothing wrong with it at all.

But is it conducive to having children? I think not.

Children need security, reliable, routine and yes they cost money.

I think it is perfectly understandable that he may not be really that bothered.

But he needs to be honest and I don't think he is being.

A friend of mine was pushed into having a baby by a girlfriend he cared about.
I was surprised as I knew well he hadn't any interest.
He ended up walking away and leaving her with a 7 and 5 year old.
He provided for them well, but he just really had no interest in being tied down by family life.
Very much a free spirit.🙄
It was very hard on his lovely wife.

@FippertyGibbett

You need to mention the lack of sex as it won’t get any better as he hats older. Have you ever had anything happen that has questioned his sexuality in your mind ?

Yeah I'm going to talk with him about the lack of sex because it's ridiculous. I've never wondered about his sexual orientation. I think he has performance anxiety, and I wonder if there was some stuff in his last relationship that has created some sexual issues.

@Oliversmumsarmy

I think there is too much talking and not enough doing.

When he said he really wanted children with you has this been followed up by unprotected sex?

Talking about other people having children at 37 is fine but you aren’t other people and you want to start trying now.

He can talk and drink wine and philosophise all he likes but ultimately you want children now and he doesn’t.
And if you wait for when he does then you could be too late and I am sure he won’t stick with you if and when he decides that children are what he wants.

The relationship is doomed just purely on the amount of sex you have without adding in to the mix the disparity on other things in your life.

100% agree a lot of talking an no action. We are still having protected sex, using condoms. He says he wants children but not right now, and the not right now will go on and on if we carry on like this.

I did say last night when he brought up other peoples experiences of having children later in life, "good for them, but we are talking about us, and what we want".

The lack of sex is a huge red flag.

Hi, if you wait for Covid to die down, (12 months min), Brexit to get sorted(who knows), house hunting in the UK (6months) and job hunting (3 months) ,that is near on 2 years, or 24 menstrual cycles you are throwing away!!WHY?? You want children, he is not the boss of you , he does not get to decide whether you do this or not, you do. I am mad at him on your behalf. Hope you can see that we all want what is best for you, as always with MN.