My partner is putting off trying for a baby

[Birdland86]

Hello, first ever post, I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice?

I've been with my partner 4 year and we both are in agreement that we want to have children. I'm 34 and he's 38. We are not in a great financial situation, we are both artists and have freelance type jobs to make money. I don't think we will ever have loads of money but we are resourceful and loving and we think we can make having children work.

The issue is that I feel like he just keep putting it off, it's never the right time to start trying. The conversations about having children are starting to make me more upset and the last discussion ended in an argument. He said that I'm pressuring him and these conversations are making him want to have children less.

I've tried telling him that I feel the longer you leave it the harder it might be to conceive and there are higher risks of complications. Plus it can take time to conceive anyway. Another issue is that he never wants to have sex, it might be once a month if I'm lucky. Another factor that might make conceiving slow or difficult.

I'm starting to feel like a crazy woman and a bit unsure of what to do!

[Birdland86]

@Apple222

It sounds like he is aware of this and doesn't want children with you because ultimately it isn't a particularly close bond, he isn't in love with you and he'd like to keep his options open for "the one".

OP, I don’t necessarily think he doesn’t love you or is keeping his options open at all. Rather I think that maybe he likes things as they are and is quite happy bumbling along. You want things to change. He perhaps doesn’t share that sense of urgency.

You have to decide whether you can accept this as it is. Is your relationship with him more important than having a baby? Both options are fine but it is a choice you have to make.

I don’t agree that this makes him selfish or that he doesn’t care. Far from it. Having children is a big decision...life-changing...it is ok to be on a different page from your partner but you do have a decision to make if having children is vitally important to you and maybe a little less, or a lot less, important to him right now.

But please don’t feel he doesn’t love you or care for you. That’s horrible. You can love someone but not necessarily want a child with them right now.

"I think that maybe he likes things as they are and is quite happy bumbling along. You want things to change. He perhaps doesn’t share that sense of urgency." - I think you are totally right on this. When we spoke last night he talked about how he doesn't think so long term and is just happy with the fact that there is sunshine, cheap wine, coffee and good fish. Then I start to feel bad, like maybe spoilt or always wanting more? But this line is working less and less on my now, there's more honest I am with myself. It okay to want more from life!
I suppose it makes me think that we are becoming less compatible, which is okay and nobodies fault. As you say, it's okay to be on a different page.

"Is your relationship with him more important than having a baby?" This is what I need to think about.

[picklemewalnuts]

Don't stay where the sex isn't good, either.

It's ok when everything else is in place, but not at the start of your lives. I'm 25+ years married, parenting takes 18 years. You're looking at the rest of your life with mediocre sex. Why?

[Djchickpea]

Honestly it just sounds like you've outgrown him. There's nothing wrong with the kind of lifestyle he is demonstrating he wants. But you need more than a dreamer to live the life you now want. No ones fault. You need to put yourself first and move on to the type of life you want to live now. Good luck xx

[Birdland86]

@feellikeanalien

OP you say that you would move back to the UK from Portugal if you had a child. How long have you both lived there?

DP and I moved back to the UK when DD was 7 because of the lack of SN provision where we were living at the time. DP hated it back here and never really settled down. He had spent most of his adult life outside the UK. Usually if we had an argument it was my fault that I'd made him come back!

You really have to find out exactly what your DP wants. It's one thing to say you want children but quite another to actually do it. I remember when I found out I was pregnant with DD I was very happy but also slightly wondering what we had done. If one of you is not fully on board this could lead to problems later.

I think the bottom line is that you need to have "the talk" sooner rather than later and although it may not have the outcome you are hoping for at least you will know where you stand.

We've been here for just over 2 years. Started off as a bit of an adventure and with no time limit. I've enjoyed it but since the covid I've probably had a bit more time to think and feel quite strongly that I want to go home. He really doesn't want to leave.

I worry that if we go back he will resent me for crushing his Portuguese dream! But he's said he wouldn't do that.

Is DP from the UK?

We started on the talk last night but I think I need to give a kind of ultimatum, which I don't really want to do but just talking doesn't seem to be resulting in any action.

[Birdland86]

@user12743356664322

I felt bad for him because...

You've said this a few times as your reasoning for not asserting your own needs.

Why don't you value yourself enough to feel bad for yourself here?

His actions have told you loudly over and over that he doesn't want children, he doesn't want to try for children, he doesn't want a future with children in it.

The relationship met both of your needs at one point. It doesn't anymore: he wants a totally different future and lifestyle to you.

That is sad and it is worth grieving. But that grief and loss are survivable - and, it seems, necessary. Loss is an intrinsic part of life, running from it doesn't change that.

Whilst it's understandable that both of you are trying to postpone grieving for the loss of a relationship that's been very important to each of you, the price you're likely to pay for doing so is to be left with a much greater lifelong grief for the children and life you never had.

Ending the relationship doesn't wipe away your history together and all the good things it's brought into your life or how it's shaped the person you are. Its ending doesn't devalue what you have shared or the love you've had, it just recognises that it's time for you both to move on. All of those things will remain even if he is no longer physically in your life.

"Why don't you value yourself enough to feel bad for yourself here?" - you're totally right on this, I don't think I've valued my needs enough
"The relationship met both of your needs at one point. It doesn't anymore: he wants a totally different future and lifestyle to you." - I think this is true, we both met in our 30s fell in love and have been having fun, but now that things are getting serious it's exposing some of the flaws that can't be ignored anymore.

I really want it to work out but I'm gradually losing hope.

[Birdland86]

@Jobsharenightmare

Bumbling along in a relationship where one person doesn't want to have sex whilst the other does isn't most people's idea of a healthy intimate partnership or fertile ground for parenting. Sounds like you are more friends. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but maybe not in the way you (or most of us) would like.

It does feel like we are bumbling, we have good intimacy and are very affectionate but the hardly any sex thing is a problem and a red flag.

[Birdland86]

@mamakena

These types seem to get a kick out of future-faking women out of their reproductive years. They tend to be resentful about their own life failures and you may be a subconscious target of this because you reflect this painful reality to him.

A few years down the road he'll dump you for a 29 year old desperate chick maybe with a nice job, and instantly impregnate her.

Believe actions, not empty words. Learn from others' painful experiences. Dont wait to repeat them.

"A few years down the road he'll dump you for a 29 year old desperate chick maybe with a nice job, and instantly impregnate her." - god you see so much of this.
He does say life doesn't always work out how you plan. I get it, but we could actually have a good go at having kids if he woke up!

[Birdland86]

@goody2shooz

So...... money is tight, you rarely have sex, he keeps fobbing you off re having kids, you’re the wrong side of 35, he drinks every night. And WHY in God’s name do you think this would make for a happy home for a child? You’re not happy, he’s not ideal father material. List the attributes you’d like the ideal husband/father to have and see how many, if ANY, your current fwb matches. You KNOW this relationship is a waste of your time, but if you want children you have to change your current situation. 💐

When you strip it down and look at the facts like this it really makes it blatantly obvious.

[Birdland86]

@Mrsmummy90

The disinterest in sex alone would concern me. I've had it happen in a previous relationship where he wouldn't come near me and there were always excuses but the truth was he just wasn't interested in me anymore and was just comfortable being more like a roommate. He was also just an arsehole lol.

I'm now with someone who loves me, loves sex and actively (and happily) had children with me.

Get out of there while you've got time to have kids with someone who wants to xx

Yea, it's a concern. There's aways an excuse, in the beginning it seemed more plausible; "my flatmates room is just there, she'll hear!". But now it's just me and him in our flat and the sex just isn't happening.
I'm sorry to hear your ex was an arsehole but happy that you've met someone great!xx

[Birdland86]

@picklemewalnuts

Don't stay where the sex isn't good, either.

It's ok when everything else is in place, but not at the start of your lives. I'm 25+ years married, parenting takes 18 years. You're looking at the rest of your life with mediocre sex. Why?

I think I always hoped it would get better, but I'm pretty sure it won't now unless he really commits to trying harder.

[Birdland86]

@Djchickpea

Honestly it just sounds like you've outgrown him. There's nothing wrong with the kind of lifestyle he is demonstrating he wants. But you need more than a dreamer to live the life you now want. No ones fault. You need to put yourself first and move on to the type of life you want to live now. Good luck xx

Yeah I think you are right, I think it's becoming clearer that we want different things. It is what it is! Thank you @Djchickpea xx

[Hardbackwriter]

@Birdland86

I'm really sorry to hear about the miscarriages FredtheFerret Thanks for the advise everyone, I need to get better and communicating with him and a really serious think and a talk is needed. I think in a bid to be more optimistic and positive, I've let some things that have bothered me deep down just rumble away.

This is a topic I'm particularly invested in and perhaps biased on, as someone who suffered from recurrent miscarriage, but I think the big lie that we tell women is that everything makes you think that it's all about your chances of conception going down as you age, and people talk very little about the massive drop in rates of successful pregnancy. I think the idea that we're often given is that as you get older you risk the odds that 'it might never happen' that you get pregnant, which sounds quite often like a sad twist of fate you'd be able to accept, but it sort of hides the reality of repeated losses, pregnancies with serious abnormalities, etc that are the much less talked about part of that story for a lot of women.

[feellikeanalien]

Yes OP DP was from the UK. It was actually Portugal we were living in so I do get how hard it will be for him to leave. DP had lived there for 20 years so was almost more Portuguese than English in some ways.

And he definitely did blame me for "making him" come back to the UK even though it was much better for DD.

[trixiebelden77]

These threads are always full of misogyny.

Your partner doesn’t have magical sperm. Like every man, his fertility changes as he ages. You are more likely to have a miscarriage or a child with a congenital issue because of the poor quality of your ageing partner’s sperm.

Anyone who tells you you’re the only one whose fertility is affected by ageing has swallowed the sexist Kool Aid.

Everyone’s junk goes bad. Everyone’s.

His poor quality old sperm coupled with his poor sex drive are both issues for you conceiving.

[StillCounting123]

I echo what has been said countless times on this thread.

OP, get googling facts and stats about fertility rates, successful pregnancy and learn about your ovulation cycle.

If he's bumbling along saying rot like "oh, my friend had a baby at 38" then maybe show him some of the facts and figures.

Yes, we all might know a woman who has had a successful pregnancy at 40, but the chances of that being her first pregnancy is tiny.

He can say all he likes, but he needs to act. You dragging it out of him is not going to do anything positive long-term.

I feel for you!!

[User74575762]

I see a PP has alluded to this but, something which has a bigger impact on people's lives than even whether they have children or not - the chance of a child being born with life-altering difficulties goes up a lot in the late 30s/early 40s.

The thing nobody has yet mentioned is that at least some of the births to older women will have involved fertility technology - possibly donor eggs.

There's a small chance your DP has no idea (or hasn't considered the implications) but I suspect (like most of the people here) that it's going to be motherhood OR, not WITH, this chap.

[Carouselfish]

I'm just going to give a slightly different response op. Putting aside other issues, I don't think you have to become a conformist, medium-waged 9-5er to have children. I think you can be a bohemian, unconventional parent without a vast amount of money. People buy a lot of things for their children they don't need and a creative albeit less financially sound life in Portugal doesn't sound incompatible with children.
I know I'll get flamed for this but some men don't grow up UNTIL they have children. Can't you consider having them there? If it doesn't work out, then you could make the move back to the UK.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Your partner doesn’t have magical sperm. Like every man, his fertility changes as he ages

This. It is alright him saying you are perfectly ok waiting till you are 38 but what about him.

He isn’t exactly firing on all cylinders atm let alone in a few more year.

I think he should be more worried about himself if his sex drive is almost non existent

[caringcarer]

If he does not want to have sex with you and is 38 now think how bad will your sex life be in a couple of years. Don't waste all your fertile years on this man who seems to be stringing you along. If you left him tomorrow, it might take you a while to find another man, see if you are compatible together, grow your relationship to the point where you decide to have a baby together. That could all take 3 or 4 years. You would be 38 then and if you wanted more than 1 child it migjt be difficult. One of my dearest school friends was in a relationship with man who through their late 20's and early 30's was a workaholic. He said they had plenty of time for children when he reached partner of his solicitor firm. By the time that happened she was 38. They tried for a year but nothing happened. They went to GP and had tests. No reason she could not conceive. GP not very sympathetic and told her her most fertile years were over. She tried for another 3 months on a fertility drug. 3 months before she was 40 she had IVF. They had to pay themselves, it did not work. Then she had to wait a couple of mo this and have counselling before she was allowed to try again. Repeat this cycle twice more. She eventually got pregnant on forth round and by then had cost them over £14k. She had her son when she was 42. She would have liked a second child but was told her fertility would be even lower then do they stick with 1. We used to tell her she was leaving it too late and what if she took s while to get pregnant. She has said if she knew in her early 30's what she knows now she would just give her DH an ultimatum.

[caringcarer]

You could look into freezing some of your eggs.

[RantyAnty]

I think you've made it crystal clear to him several times.
He hasn't stepped up with any actions so that tells you everything you need to know. He doesn't want to but he isn't going to actually come out and say it to you. His actions have shown you everything.

I would just set in motion plans to return to the UK around January or February. Reconnect with people there before you go so you might have some potential interviews.

[Smudgingpastels]

Please don't even think of having a child with this man.

The hell for a child split between a parent each wanting to be in 2 different countries doesn't bear thinking about.

Have you checked Portuguese law if the husband doesn't want the child to leave the country?

Having children is all about practicalities. Friends and family if you are lucky to help you. Otherwise it can be relentless drudgery and loneliness.

The most important thing in procreating is to find someone who cannot wait to impregnate you and is excited and hands on and desperate to be a dad and makes your happiness their primary goal.

Your situation is jaw droppingly bad. The fact you can't see it and think talking about it will help is already a huge banner of a red flag.

It's not something that is necessary to be spoken about op! His attitude to you, his feelings, his desire for sex are all things that are obvious!!!

Why are you so blinded by the obvious??

Don't you think to browbeat someone to having more sex with you and to have a child now with you is not treading in humiliating territory?

You need to be valued, loved and your needs placed first as it is an extremely vulnerable time for a woman when she is pregnant!

Good grief stop humiliating yourself any further with this man, he sounds lovely by the way, a gentle dreamer.

Stop pressurising him! When he feels he has met the right woman to start a family with he will change instantly.

You will always know at the back of your mind he didn't want this even if you miraculously did fall pregnant.

Stop humiliating yourself op.

[borntohula]

@HotSince63

You're not in a great financial situation and "we are resourceful and loving" doesn't really pay the bills.

Added to that your relationship in general doesn't sound at it's best.

Even putting aside the fact that obviously does not want to have a child with you, it doesn't sound like your relationship or finances could cope with the strain.

So unfair to suggest that poorer people shouldn't have kids.

[DeciduousPerennial]

If he was serious about any of this - knowing how much this means to you - then there would be a conversation about “how do we make this happen? What do we need to do?” There hasn’t been.

He doesn’t really want children with you, because your conditions for having children mean he has to leave behind the life he loves AND HE’S ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT. Listen to him. He’s told you that he doesn’t want to leave Portugal. If by some miracle you manage to get him to do it in enough time that your fertility isn’t compromised, he will resent you for it and throw it back in your face every time you have an argument. He will possibly end up resenting the child too.

You want different things.

There’s nothing wrong with that. But stop trying to make this something it isn’t, and don’t bring a baby into something which is doomed to fail.