My partner is putting off trying for a baby

[Birdland86]

Hello, first ever post, I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice?

I've been with my partner 4 year and we both are in agreement that we want to have children. I'm 34 and he's 38. We are not in a great financial situation, we are both artists and have freelance type jobs to make money. I don't think we will ever have loads of money but we are resourceful and loving and we think we can make having children work.

The issue is that I feel like he just keep putting it off, it's never the right time to start trying. The conversations about having children are starting to make me more upset and the last discussion ended in an argument. He said that I'm pressuring him and these conversations are making him want to have children less.

I've tried telling him that I feel the longer you leave it the harder it might be to conceive and there are higher risks of complications. Plus it can take time to conceive anyway. Another issue is that he never wants to have sex, it might be once a month if I'm lucky. Another factor that might make conceiving slow or difficult.

I'm starting to feel like a crazy woman and a bit unsure of what to do!

[TurquoiseDragon]

When you do have the talk, if he tries to fob you off, or to opt out of talking, that's also an answer, sadly.

[BrandoraPaithwaite]

I was unashamed and not apologising for being "one of those women" banging the drum for cracking on with conception when I was 35 and my DP was 39 and dragging his feet. I spelled it out that we were in the now or never window as it could have taken a long time or needed assistance to conceive. He got with the program and it was the push he needed to finally properly grow up and we now have a fantastic dc and love parenting her together.

How your DP reacts when you make him understand it's a shit or get off the pot situation will tell you what you need to know.
Good luck to you OP, with this DP or in your next chapter.

[belle40]

It is really difficult in your mid 30s. I wasted nearly a decade with my exH who used to say, 'good things come to those who wait' when I expressed my desire (repeatedly) for a baby. However, for women, they do not. We split just before I was 40. I had my baby (fathered by a man who has now left us) at 41. I am incredibly lucky to have had a child. It is very very hard to walk away from a long term relationship but if you really want a baby, I would leave your BF. He doesn't want this with you. Good luck.

[ChristinKhan9]

The child is the creation of love. When he/she was conceived - it was through the act of making love(sex).
If the one you love can’t respond to the same things you feel and need naturally- it’s time to move one, darling.😔

[russetred]

Hello - I'm really sorry but I'm also in the arts and I've seen so many guys not be ready (i.e. not ready to grow up) until their mid-40s, when they promptly seemed to get into relationships with women 10-15 years younger and suddenly discover that they want to be dads. I had my daughter at 37 after a year of TTC but there are no guarantees. It's OK for you to prioritise what you want - this is a decision with a shelf life for women. Wishing you the best of luck, whatever happens.

[EarthSight]

I've tried telling him that I feel the longer you leave it the harder it might be to conceive and there are higher risks of complications. Plus it can take time to conceive anyway. Another issue is that he never wants to have sex, it might be once a month if I'm lucky. Another factor that might make conceiving slow or difficult

Sorry OP, but I think he knows this and is stalling as much as possible. It is not wise for you to wait until you're 38. You're being perfectly reasonable at being worried about this. He's likely trying to derail you and minimise your very justified concerns with that nonsense story about his friend.

Imagine trying for a year, and then having a massive falling out and then being single again. Your window then would be very small and the chance of having a child with birth defects or disability much higher. He might resent having children now, but at least then you'll both have them. If you wait until your late 30s and you have fertility difficulties, I think the resentment and anger you feel towards him will be so great you won't want to be with him anymore.

I think he probably doesn't want children. Maybe he used to, but he might have changed his mind and is struggling on how to deal with it because he knows it's such a big issue and doesn't want to lose you. He thinks he can keep on stalling until it's too late.....at great cost to you. :(

[EarthSight]

@russetred

Hello - I'm really sorry but I'm also in the arts and I've seen so many guys not be ready (i.e. not ready to grow up) until their mid-40s, when they promptly seemed to get into relationships with women 10-15 years younger and suddenly discover that they want to be dads. I had my daughter at 37 after a year of TTC but there are no guarantees. It's OK for you to prioritise what you want - this is a decision with a shelf life for women. Wishing you the best of luck, whatever happens.

Coming from a creative background myself, it does seem like a lot of arty people end up settling down having children late. It's not a good idea biologically though.

[EarthSight]

@Whatsnewpussyhat

There are so many women whose DP's and DH's kept putting off children, not being ready etc until they were too old to conceive then fucked off with a younger women and started a family leaving original partner childless.

That's just awful. :'(

[EarthSight]

@Kalula

Sex only once a month? In your 30s? I know a couple in their 70s that have sex more often than that!! How can you possibly stand it? That is roommates, not a relationship. Unless you both have an extremely low sex drive, I don't get this. It's not normal, especially at your age. I would seriously look at getting out of this 'relationship' (if you can call it that) now, and find someone who loves you and wants to make love to you, and have a child.

I really disagree with this. A relationship without sex is not just being roommates!!! That totally diminishes the intimacy, deep love and romantic connectiom between two people that simple roomates or even close friends wouldn't have. It's not for everyone, but calling a relationship without sex simply 'roommates' would show that the relationship had gone stale and run it's course in lots of other ways.

[S00LA]

So you want to move to the Uk, and he doesn't.

You want to have a sexual relationship, and he doesn’t.

And you want marriage and kids and he doesn't.

You are not compatible and you need to move on and find someone you are more suited to. Or have kids on your own -more and more women are choosing to do this.

[Birdland86]

@Dery

“If motherhood is important to you, you need to be proactive. In the most honest way, there is always time to find another man. There isn’t always time to be a mum.”

This with bells on. When a couple in their 30s are looking at having children, they have to work to the woman’s schedule. A good friend of mine had children a few years sooner than he would otherwise have done for exactly that reason - he loved his then partner (now wife), they wanted children, her age meant they just needed to crack on - he wasn’t going to risk depriving her of the opportunity to have children.

You’re four years into your relationship and he is 38. If he doesn’t feel ready to have children with you now, that’s because he’s not sure he wants to have children with you. As you said, he’s got the luxury of time. You haven’t.

There are other problems in this relationship which suggests that it is not a sound basis for raising children in any case. The lack of sex and the inability to discuss it are real problems. You deserve better than this, OP.

"If motherhood is important to you, you need to be proactive. In the most honest way, there is always time to find another man. There isn’t always time to be a mum." Yes exactly, there is time to find another man, get married, find a dream job, do a masters etc. But with fertility, there is a clock ticking unfortunately. I just think we need to make some changes in our life so we can crack on before we lose the opportunity. Thank you Dery.

[Birdland86]

@qazxc

I know that he says he wants children but all his actions go in the opposite direction.
I think if you want to be a mother you need to find someone that isn't at best undecided about being a parent.

I think this is why I've been feeling so unsettled and have this worry. I'm doing the maths in my head and the result seems to indicate that dc might not happen for me if we go on like this.

[Birdland86]

@Skyla2005

I think the not wanting sex is a big red flag. I’ve read so many posts on here from women who are broken because of it It gradually eats away at your self esteem Don’t be one of them women further down the line. You have no children yet. Get out now and find a passionate happy relationship where you share the same goals. I think you would be making a mistake to stay with him

"It gradually eats away at your self esteem" - yes this is true, it's so sad. Because of old fashioned ideas I do struggle to make the first move, so after a lot of rejections I decided my self esteem couldn't take it! So now we hardly ever have sex. We do have a lot of intimacy and romance in our relationship but this sex thing has puzzled me for a long time. Talking about it seems to make it worse, think it's a bit of performance anxiety on his part

[Birdland86]

@TurquoiseDragon

When you do have the talk, if he tries to fob you off, or to opt out of talking, that's also an answer, sadly.

We had another, more calm, talk about it last night and he definitely didn't fob me off and wanted to talk about it, which is something. I asked him point blank does he REALLY want children, and he crouched down, looked me straight in the eye and said "I want children and I want them with you".

[Birdland86]

@BrandoraPaithwaite

I was unashamed and not apologising for being "one of those women" banging the drum for cracking on with conception when I was 35 and my DP was 39 and dragging his feet. I spelled it out that we were in the now or never window as it could have taken a long time or needed assistance to conceive. He got with the program and it was the push he needed to finally properly grow up and we now have a fantastic dc and love parenting her together.

How your DP reacts when you make him understand it's a shit or get off the pot situation will tell you what you need to know.
Good luck to you OP, with this DP or in your next chapter.

It sounds like you were in a similar situation to me BrandoraPaithwaite. I need to take a leaf out of your book and not be ashamed and apologetic for wanting to start trying for children. I'm glad he got on board and it's lovely to hear you now have a dc
His reaction when we spoke last night is promising, but some action needs to follow!

[Birdland86]

@belle40

It is really difficult in your mid 30s. I wasted nearly a decade with my exH who used to say, 'good things come to those who wait' when I expressed my desire (repeatedly) for a baby. However, for women, they do not. We split just before I was 40. I had my baby (fathered by a man who has now left us) at 41. I am incredibly lucky to have had a child. It is very very hard to walk away from a long term relationship but if you really want a baby, I would leave your BF. He doesn't want this with you. Good luck.

"good things come to those who wait" - how annoying, yes for women they don't! I'm glad to hear you did have a child in the end. Thank you belle40.

[LemonTT]

I am going to ask you a serious question. Do you really want marriage and children? Because if you do, you are not on the right track. Either in terms of your relationship or situation. Because both are incompatible with the desire to have children.

Nothing in both your actions or situation tells me either of you are seriously planning on children. Children need stability. That means marriage and a steady income. I think you both have hard choices.

[Birdland86]

@ChristinKhan9

The child is the creation of love. When he/she was conceived - it was through the act of making love(sex).
If the one you love can’t respond to the same things you feel and need naturally- it’s time to move one, darling.😔

Yes, and how can we create a child if we don't make love. Either some serious change is needed or I need to move on .

[Shoxfordian]

It sounds like a good chat but he needs to follow that up with some actions. Did you talk about the lack of sex? There's nothing wrong with wanting marriage and children if that's what you want

[FippertyGibbett]

He says what you want to hear to keep you.
Walk away.

[Chestnutpony]

Just to reinforce what others have said - I have two kids. Started trying for a third at 38. Symptoms of premature menopause then kicked in. There's not a whole lot you can do about that, and it's not super uncommon.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

If trying for kids now is non negotiable for you (it was for me at 34) then tell him that. It concerns me that you are not married though. Whose career would be most impacted by having a child? Have you explored and discussed the costs and practicalities? If in a couple of years he decides it's not for him and walks away, could you manage alone?

A final thing to consider (sorry for the negativity) is the country you are in. If you want to live in the uk but are not, would you be allowed to move there once baby is born if he decides he wants to stay?

[AnotherEmma]

I thought you were going to tell him you're moving to the UK and he can come or not?

Did the two of you make any actual concrete plans - to move to the UK, get steady jobs, improve your sex life - or did he literally just say he wants kids and that was it?

How much longer are you going to be satisfied by empty words?

[Birdland86]

@russetred

Hello - I'm really sorry but I'm also in the arts and I've seen so many guys not be ready (i.e. not ready to grow up) until their mid-40s, when they promptly seemed to get into relationships with women 10-15 years younger and suddenly discover that they want to be dads. I had my daughter at 37 after a year of TTC but there are no guarantees. It's OK for you to prioritise what you want - this is a decision with a shelf life for women. Wishing you the best of luck, whatever happens.

Yes I see it soooo much in the arts, men not ready to grow up. Men have that luxury of time and can get on board with wanting kids much later in life. I also think that people in the arts never make much money and generally have quite unstable lifestyles, if you want to have dc then you have to get on board with having a steady income and home. Many never feel like their lifestyle is right for dc and so time ebbs on. You either can't establish the right kind of lifestyle for dc or don't want to.

[AnotherEmma]

Are you hoping to have just one child or more than one?