My partner is putting off trying for a baby

[Birdland86]

Hello, first ever post, I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice?

I've been with my partner 4 year and we both are in agreement that we want to have children. I'm 34 and he's 38. We are not in a great financial situation, we are both artists and have freelance type jobs to make money. I don't think we will ever have loads of money but we are resourceful and loving and we think we can make having children work.

The issue is that I feel like he just keep putting it off, it's never the right time to start trying. The conversations about having children are starting to make me more upset and the last discussion ended in an argument. He said that I'm pressuring him and these conversations are making him want to have children less.

I've tried telling him that I feel the longer you leave it the harder it might be to conceive and there are higher risks of complications. Plus it can take time to conceive anyway. Another issue is that he never wants to have sex, it might be once a month if I'm lucky. Another factor that might make conceiving slow or difficult.

I'm starting to feel like a crazy woman and a bit unsure of what to do!

@LemonTT

I am going to ask you a serious question. Do you really want marriage and children? Because if you do, you are not on the right track. Either in terms of your relationship or situation. Because both are incompatible with the desire to have children.

Nothing in both your actions or situation tells me either of you are seriously planning on children. Children need stability. That means marriage and a steady income. I think you both have hard choices.

I do really want marriage and children, but I feel so on the wrong track for those things and I think it might be the reason I've been feeling so low recently. I feel like I'm drifting and time is running out.

I'm glad you've picked up on this because I know it deep down as well, so it's good to know it's not just me having a negative outlook but a valid concern.

You need to decide what you want more, him or children, because you might just not get both.
Don’t waste your fertile years on a man-child.

Why on earth would you want to have a child with a man who doesn't even want to have sex with you? You should never have a child with anyone unless you both want it with all your heart.

@AnotherEmma

I thought you were going to tell him you're moving to the UK and he can come or not?

Did the two of you make any actual concrete plans - to move to the UK, get steady jobs, improve your sex life - or did he literally just say he wants kids and that was it?

How much longer are you going to be satisfied by empty words?

We talked about moving back to the UK, I said that I can't really see a future here and that I want to go back and establish some stability and be back near friends and family. He doesn't want to but said he will do it if it's what I want. He understand he will need to have a more steady job if we go back. I should be able to get back into my previous line of work. I kind of bottled it on the ultimatum I felt bad for him because he'd had a long day and so didn't get into marriage and sex talk. I'm not going to let it lie and will keep the discussion going.

In terms of how many kids I want 2 at most. So we would have to get started on 1 first if we would want 2 to happen!

As actions speak louder than words for men in the majority of cases, he is shouting at you I DON'T WANT DC WITH YOU hence avoiding sex but still telling you what you want to hear.

So humiliating to be a married to a man like this. Please swallow your pride and hurt and end it if you can.

@FippertyGibbett

You need to decide what you want more, him or children, because you might just not get both. Don’t waste your fertile years on a man-child.

Yes he's a total man-child. Doesn't want to grow up!

"In terms of how many kids I want 2 at most. So we would have to get started on 1 first if we would want 2 to happen!"

You need to get on with it then.

@Smudgingpastels

As actions speak louder than words for men in the majority of cases, he is shouting at you I DON'T WANT DC WITH YOU hence avoiding sex but still telling you what you want to hear.

So humiliating to be a married to a man like this. Please swallow your pride and hurt and end it if you can.

The words don't seem to fit the actions, he says point blank he want's children but the way he goes on doesn't fill me with confidence.

You need to accept he simply does not want to have kids at this stage...maybe the timing is not right, maybe the relationship isn't right but it is clear that he is not going to give you what you want.

Frankly 'forcing' someone to have children with you just does not sound right...if this is a deal breaker it is time for you to reassess the relationship.

Saying he 'wants kids' does not necessarily means he wants them now or he wants to have them with you. Harsh, but that is the reality you are facing.

Also the fact that you hardly have sex is frankly a red flag and it sounds like your partnership is not going well anyway. It does not sound to me like a happy relationship with long term potential to bring kids into the mix...

@Candyfloss99

Why on earth would you want to have a child with a man who doesn't even want to have sex with you? You should never have a child with anyone unless you both want it with all your heart.

I never thought about the not having sex thing being about not wanting children. Seems to me to be more about performance anxiety and maybe laziness? But you need to have sex to have children haha. I know I want children and he tells me point blank he wants them but there is no action!

I think you should think about moving on- barely any sex, and it sounds like he still wants a few more child free years. You’ve waited long enough here. If he doesn’t respond to an ultimatum then don’t hang around. Be brave.

You don’t know how fertile you are. Some women struggle at 30, and some women get pregnant easily at 40. But the statistics are against you the longer you leave it sadly.

I had to give my DH a gentle reality check as I am a few years older than him, if I hadn’t I think he would have happily left TTC until I was mid-late 30s. He just didn’t have any fear of struggling with infertility like I did. I don’t think he thought about the reality of it. He seemed to remember that most of his friends were born to age 35+ mums but miscarriages and fertility treatment are the things people don’t talk about.

I should have added in my comment above that calling someone a 'man child' because he does not want kids is rather unfair.

Having kids is a big responsibility and if someone is not sure that he wants them right now or/and if the relationship they are in no longer feels right then it is actually sensible not to bring kids into it.

The last thing you need is a reluctant father who will walk out on the kid a few months after he/she is born...

The sex issue is a big, massive, huge deal. You can put up with it now, when it’s just your own pleasure you’re tamping down, but if you want a baby with him then I am afraid he has to perform, regularly and willingly! Maybe for months on end of fairly business-like shagging, which tests even the strongest, most sexual relationship. Then when you’ve got a young child, you’ll be tired and sex gets less important than sleep and whatever... and you want another baby but you can’t talk about it because he’s touchy about sex and it’s a subject you both start to avoid.

I know you love him... but I think if you weigh up what you want for your whole life you might find love, in this instance, is not enough.

OP, I think he’s avoiding sex specifically because it might result in pregnancy. He knows you are desperate for a child, he probably fears you have sabotaged your contraception.
Alternatively, he either already has someone else, or has checked out of your relationship and simply stays with you for the convenience of a home and an unpaid housekeeper to share the bills.
You are, in my opinion, still in a bit of denial about him. Your head tells you to move on, but your heart still wants to believe his crap, and hopes that one day he will magically change into a totally different person- a mature, committed partner who will father your child before it’s too late.
OP, please wake up. Listen to your head, and all the good advice on here from women who know exactly the type of man you’re dealing with, rather than the wistful delusions of your heart.
Just because you’ve wasted four years already on this loser is no reason to waste any more. Time is not on your side.

@Requinblanc

You need to accept he simply does not want to have kids at this stage...maybe the timing is not right, maybe the relationship isn't right but it is clear that he is not going to give you what you want.

Frankly 'forcing' someone to have children with you just does not sound right...if this is a deal breaker it is time for you to reassess the relationship.

Saying he 'wants kids' does not necessarily means he wants them now or he wants to have them with you. Harsh, but that is the reality you are facing.

Also the fact that you hardly have sex is frankly a red flag and it sounds like your partnership is not going well anyway. It does not sound to me like a happy relationship with long term potential to bring kids into the mix...

I need to hear this so thank you. I really don't want to force him, I want him to want children. The not having sex thing is a red flag and it's not got any better after a few discussions in the past. Things have to be right if we are going to bring kids into the mix.

He's trying to trap you by saying others have had babies at 38. He's right it many others have not. And do you really want to risk leaving it that much longer with this kind of man who could walk away at any moment and then you're left at 38 with nothing? If give him an ultimatum OP, in fact I wouldn't as when you force people into kids that rarely works out well.

I think you need a proper sit down with him and if at the end of it he's still reluctant then you probably need to leave

Babdoc that sounds completely unfair, no idea where you're getting that from. He sounds like a dreamer who is incompatible with what the OP wants from life. But he doesn't sound like a nasty person who is cheating and thinks OP would sabotage her contraception.

And I echo the point from a PP (which you acknowledge from your own observation is true) that blokes in the arts or creative professions have an unfortunate tendency to fuck around being noncommittal in their relationships through their 30s and early 40s, then suddenly find someone younger to procreate with. We watched this exact thing play out - long-term girlfriend desperate for children, bloke stalling all through her mid-late 30s. Then left her and found someone else younger who was pregnant within 6 months. They have a very happy partnership and it was a good thing for him, but he really did stitch up his former girlfriend. Not deliberately at all, he’s a good bloke. But the outcome of their relationship for her was much more life-altering than for him in terms of the long-term.

So your bloke might be a good bloke too. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find someone better. Not every relationship is destined to be The One and better to make hard choices younger than suffer for lost time and bad decisions later.

Easy to say from here, I know. But I really feel for you.

@badacorn

I think you should think about moving on- barely any sex, and it sounds like he still wants a few more child free years. You’ve waited long enough here. If he doesn’t respond to an ultimatum then don’t hang around. Be brave.

You don’t know how fertile you are. Some women struggle at 30, and some women get pregnant easily at 40. But the statistics are against you the longer you leave it sadly.

I had to give my DH a gentle reality check as I am a few years older than him, if I hadn’t I think he would have happily left TTC until I was mid-late 30s. He just didn’t have any fear of struggling with infertility like I did. I don’t think he thought about the reality of it. He seemed to remember that most of his friends were born to age 35+ mums but miscarriages and fertility treatment are the things people don’t talk about.

100% think he wants a few more child free years. It might happen like that anyway, because to wait for the covid to die down, move back to the UK and get settled could take a year anyway. Just need to get moving.

I don't want to just 'hope' that we might be able to conceive later into my 30s. The statistics are against me!

My bf doesn't have the fear of the infertility struggle either, he's full of optimism and keeps referencing his friends that have had kids at 37, 38. It's nice to have optimism but with this he needs a reality check.

@Requinblanc

I should have added in my comment above that calling someone a 'man child' because he does not want kids is rather unfair.

Having kids is a big responsibility and if someone is not sure that he wants them right now or/and if the relationship they are in no longer feels right then it is actually sensible not to bring kids into it.

The last thing you need is a reluctant father who will walk out on the kid a few months after he/she is born...

I guess with him though it's not just about kids. He doesn't want a steady job, just wants to drink wine and watch the sunset. On the surface he gets that if we want kids his lifestyle would have to change but isn't showing any signs of making steps towards that change.

I really don't want a reluctant father and I want to be with someone who is ready to wake up to the responsibility.

I wouldn't set any store in him looking into your eyes and saying he wants kids with you unless he takes concrete steps to make it happen. At the moment he's all talk. If you're decided that having kids is a dealbreaker for you then you need to set a timeline and walk away if it's not being met. I really hope it all works out for you.

@NoSquirrels

The sex issue is a big, massive, huge deal. You can put up with it now, when it’s just your own pleasure you’re tamping down, but if you want a baby with him then I am afraid he has to perform, regularly and willingly! Maybe for months on end of fairly business-like shagging, which tests even the strongest, most sexual relationship. Then when you’ve got a young child, you’ll be tired and sex gets less important than sleep and whatever... and you want another baby but you can’t talk about it because he’s touchy about sex and it’s a subject you both start to avoid.

I know you love him... but I think if you weigh up what you want for your whole life you might find love, in this instance, is not enough.

"business-like shagging" - love this! Statistically, if you're only having sex one a month, your change of conceiving is going to be low, it's simple maths! Yes maybe our love isn't enough in this instance.

He seems quite content as he is so I would still make plans to leave him all the same. Words are cheap, look at actions. If you're only having sex once a month too then how does that square with him supposedly wanting a child. It does not.

How much longer are you going to be satisfied by empty words?. Are you really that afraid to move on with your life?

@Babdoc

OP, I think he’s avoiding sex specifically because it might result in pregnancy. He knows you are desperate for a child, he probably fears you have sabotaged your contraception. Alternatively, he either already has someone else, or has checked out of your relationship and simply stays with you for the convenience of a home and an unpaid housekeeper to share the bills. You are, in my opinion, still in a bit of denial about him. Your head tells you to move on, but your heart still wants to believe his crap, and hopes that one day he will magically change into a totally different person- a mature, committed partner who will father your child before it’s too late. OP, please wake up. Listen to your head, and all the good advice on here from women who know exactly the type of man you’re dealing with, rather than the wistful delusions of your heart. Just because you’ve wasted four years already on this loser is no reason to waste any more. Time is not on your side.

I'd really never thought about the fact that he's avoiding sex because it might result in pregnancy. We use condoms so it's always pretty clear that it's protected sex. My mum keeps joking that I should stick a pin in the condom I would never do that, not a good basis to start a child life on. I think I have been in denial and have been hoping that everything will work out in the end. I do need to wake up, I've been feeling so low and I think it's because I've been pushing down these thoughts and not listening to my gut.

@hellymissy

He's trying to trap you by saying others have had babies at 38. He's right it many others have not. And do you really want to risk leaving it that much longer with this kind of man who could walk away at any moment and then you're left at 38 with nothing? If give him an ultimatum OP, in fact I wouldn't as when you force people into kids that rarely works out well.

I think you need a proper sit down with him and if at the end of it he's still reluctant then you probably need to leave

Yeah it's like the first thing he says whenever we talk about babies. I'm sick of hearing it actually! I really don't want to force him. I think the ultimatum might be more of, if we don't get our shit together and create a life that would be good for kids, then that's it. I could end up wasting more years though because he seems to just tell me what I want to hear but his actions don't match.