My partner is putting off trying for a baby

[Birdland86]

Hello, first ever post, I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice?

I've been with my partner 4 year and we both are in agreement that we want to have children. I'm 34 and he's 38. We are not in a great financial situation, we are both artists and have freelance type jobs to make money. I don't think we will ever have loads of money but we are resourceful and loving and we think we can make having children work.

The issue is that I feel like he just keep putting it off, it's never the right time to start trying. The conversations about having children are starting to make me more upset and the last discussion ended in an argument. He said that I'm pressuring him and these conversations are making him want to have children less.

I've tried telling him that I feel the longer you leave it the harder it might be to conceive and there are higher risks of complications. Plus it can take time to conceive anyway. Another issue is that he never wants to have sex, it might be once a month if I'm lucky. Another factor that might make conceiving slow or difficult.

I'm starting to feel like a crazy woman and a bit unsure of what to do!

Are you tracking your fertility? Taking pre-conception tablets? Are you physically fit, not smoking, keeping within alcohol guidelines?
None of which he can do for you. Give yourself the best possible chance for a healthy conception.
You must have his agreement to start ttc. If he is shying away, making excuses, avoiding sex(only you know if any of this is happening) then you owe it to yourself to move to UK, get into work and look for someone who genuinely meets your needs.
Good luck OP, I hope this ends well for you.

Sex only once a month? In your 30s? I know a couple in their 70s that have sex more often than that!! How can you possibly stand it? That is roommates, not a relationship. Unless you both have an extremely low sex drive, I don't get this. It's not normal, especially at your age. I would seriously look at getting out of this 'relationship' (if you can call it that) now, and find someone who loves you and wants to make love to you, and have a child.

Personally I wouldn't contemplate having DC with someone if we weren't married, not out of prudery but out of concern for mine and the DC's futures. Not wanting to get married would be a massive red flag re having DC. That's just my opinion and each to their own. But it doesn't sound like you have a solid enough relationship to have DC. It really tests you as a couple and individually.

If children is what you ultimately want, then it's time to move on. He's had plenty of time to show you he's ready, at 38 it's unlikely to change now.

I had my first child at 34, had no trouble conceiving. We tried again at 38, tried for 4 years and it simply didn't happen. We both went for tests and were given the all clear. The dr said that it was down to my age, we never did conceive a second child. Don't leave it too late op.

Ultimatum time I’m afraid. I had to say “let’s get going or we’re done here” when I was 34. Was a bit worried about being “one of those women” who puts pressure on a man to have babies, but IT’S TOTALLY LEGIT to be “one of those women” when you’re mid thirties. Fortunately he decided he wanted to get going. We had to have IVF though. Female biology ain’t no joke. It’s time to crack on.

Good luck xx

It really is a case of decide what’s important to you.

After a divorce, I was single for a long time. When I met “The One” we were married within six months and our baby was born within the year, because time wasn’t on our side and we both knew what was important to us.

If motherhood is important to you, you need to be proactive. In the most honest way, there is always time to find another man. There isn’t always time to be a mum.

“If motherhood is important to you, you need to be proactive. In the most honest way, there is always time to find another man. There isn’t always time to be a mum.”

This with bells on. When a couple in their 30s are looking at having children, they have to work to the woman’s schedule. A good friend of mine had children a few years sooner than he would otherwise have done for exactly that reason - he loved his then partner (now wife), they wanted children, her age meant they just needed to crack on - he wasn’t going to risk depriving her of the opportunity to have children.

You’re four years into your relationship and he is 38. If he doesn’t feel ready to have children with you now, that’s because he’s not sure he wants to have children with you. As you said, he’s got the luxury of time. You haven’t.

There are other problems in this relationship which suggests that it is not a sound basis for raising children in any case. The lack of sex and the inability to discuss it are real problems. You deserve better than this, OP.

I'd also be very wary of having a child without the legal protection of marriage in your situation. I think you need to discuss how serious you really are.

I know that he says he wants children but all his actions go in the opposite direction.
I think if you want to be a mother you need to find someone that isn't at best undecided about being a parent.

Go find a stable man, who wants kids and is going to sweep you off your feet in the bedroom to get them, they do exist, your wasting time and missing out with him

I think the not wanting sex is a big red flag. I’ve read so many posts on here from women who are broken because of it It gradually eats away at your self esteem Don’t be one of them women further down the line. You have no children yet. Get out now and find a passionate happy relationship where you share the same goals. I think you would be making a mistake to stay with him

Nothing about what you've said indicates he actually wants children with you. The operative phrase being "with you".

As a man he has plenty of time to have kids, and probably makes sense from his perspective to delay having them unless he was very into you and the relationship. To be blunt, he can wait another 5 years or more and then still find someone else younger to have kids with.

Also no marriage after 4 years? From experience and research, normally men who've chosen not to legally commit to their girlfriends after that period of time (barring relationships that started very young) have some sort of doubt about the relationship. You provide enough benefits for them to continue dating you but they're buying time to see if anyone else comes along they want to actually commit to. Do you not want to be legally committed to him before you have a child?

You're running out of time fertility wise and he's going to drag this out until he's a bit older, then you will both break up. After this he will most likely promptly marry someone else and have kids with her. This scenario has played out many times before. Four years has already been too long to have wasted if you want kids and you have nothing to show for it. Leave him and don't waste anymore time. A guy who wants to commit and have kids will be out there for you but you don't have long to find him if you're 34. I recommend the book "Mr Good Enough" by Lori Gottlieb

Maybe he is just being sensible. He realises he will not be able to support you or a family financially. He may feel under pressure knowing you want them but he just cant provide as he may feel a man needs to? Lockdown has affected artists hugely and I fear your rose coloured glasses about being resourceful and loving will put food on the table, nappies and milk in the nursery. Babies are really, really expensive to have. I sadly don't think your partner is the one for you now. Think you need to search elsewhere for someone to give you the life you truly want.

My DH and I were 32 when we married and started trying to conceive within the year. To cut a long story short, we only conceived once via fertility treatment and that turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. (We eventually adopted instead).

I assumed I was very fertile- became pregnant in my 20s when on the pill (termination) so was shocked by not being able to conceive at 33. Basically my eggs were getting old by the time I was 35/ 36 and several attempts at IVF proved fruitless.

You've no idea if this could happen to you so you really don't have time to mess about. My DH wasn't necessarily super keen to have a baby but he agreed to it when we discussed it and supported me throughout. (He was thrilled though when we became parents eventually and is a very devoted, hands on dad)

It isn’t just about having a baby is it? It’s a whole series of changes which could be hard to contemplate including moving to the UK, and working in different jobs which could be challenging financially. Sometimes people just want things to stay as they are because the adjustments needed are too huge to think about.

Would you stay in Portugal if you weren’t planning to have children? Maybe it’s not so much children bothering him but the life changes around it?

What's going on with the sex OP? Once a month? Is that recent or ongoing?

I would drop the topic for now, if he isn't ready then talking about it to convince him isn't going to help. Decide if he's the one for you. Do you want to wait for children? Do you want a dead bedroom?

If you want children, you need to move on and find another man and fast. It’s been 4 years. What is he waiting for? He can wait, YOU cannot. If a man wants a child, he wants a child.

In my experience, things move a lot faster when you are older and in a new relationship. Where do you want to be this time next year? You could be engaged, married, pregnant or stuck in the same position with your eggs a year older. Don’t look back with regret.

I'm really sorry to hear about the miscarriages FredtheFerret Thanks for the advise everyone, I need to get better and communicating with him and a really serious think and a talk is needed. I think in a bid to be more optimistic and positive, I've let some things that have bothered me deep down just rumble away.

Hmmm. If you really want children, you need to end the relationship now, then move back to the UK and get a steady job ASAP. At least you'll be in the right country and in a reasonable financial position... there will just be the small matter of meeting someone, but you could also consider the sperm donor route or possibly freezing some eggs.

This guy is stringing you along and doesn't even want to have sex with you for fun, let alone lots of unprotected sex during your fertile window!

OP,
Solid advice above.

He's not really keen on marriage, sex,children.

Lots of obfuscation and generally giving you the run a round.

You are clearly terrified of the truth that your gut is screaming at you.

I feel very sorry for you, because of course it is very upsetting, hurtful, and scary, having to face that 4 years in, it really isn't going to happen.

Believe me, your bravery now will be well rewarded.
He may care for you but he doesn't want to give you what you want now.

You need to be brave, admit your gut is warning you what you know to be true and move on.

Don't waste years trying to brow beat a man into something he isn't feeling.

Men love, have sex, propose, marry, have children in a timely manner women they really want to be with promptly.

If a man isn't up for marriage in his mid 30's within max 12-18 months, move on.

Men are largely simple creatures when it comes to matters of the heart IMO.
I mean that very respectfully.
When they really love a woman, that is it.
They really love. They tend to be very honest about their love and enthusiastic about future plans.

Obviously I am not speaking for every single man.
What I AM saying is that a man genuinely in love, is not running/avoiding/deflecting from sex, marriage children, commitment.

Wishing you the best OP.

@willowmelangell

Are you tracking your fertility? Taking pre-conception tablets? Are you physically fit, not smoking, keeping within alcohol guidelines? None of which he can do for you. Give yourself the best possible chance for a healthy conception. You must have his agreement to start ttc. If he is shying away, making excuses, avoiding sex(only you know if any of this is happening) then you owe it to yourself to move to UK, get into work and look for someone who genuinely meets your needs. Good luck OP, I hope this ends well for you.

No I'm not doing any fertility tracking or anything like that. I honestly have no idea how easy or difficult it might be for us to conceive. I'm quite fit, I don't smoke, I do drink moderately about 3-4 nights a weeks. Honestly I have thought about telling him that I'm going back to the UK to get my life back on track and he can come if he wants, because I feel like I'm just drifting at the moment.

@Kalula

Sex only once a month? In your 30s? I know a couple in their 70s that have sex more often than that!! How can you possibly stand it? That is roommates, not a relationship. Unless you both have an extremely low sex drive, I don't get this. It's not normal, especially at your age. I would seriously look at getting out of this 'relationship' (if you can call it that) now, and find someone who loves you and wants to make love to you, and have a child.

I know it's crazy really, I kind of got used to it now but every now and again I'm asking myself wtf. I have quite a high sex drive but started to feel embarrassed after having advances rejected several time. So now I just sort of wait until he's ready and spring into action. Not healthy really I know

I would definitely have a serious talk with him and address everything. Be honest with what you want. It’s not fair when people refuse to discuss an important issue and keep putting it off.

Honestly I have thought about telling him that I'm going back to the UK to get my life back on track and he can come if he wants, because I feel like I'm just drifting at the moment.

I think you should do that. If he doesn't follow, you'll have your answer.

But honestly, I don't think he'll bother, or if he does come back, it won't be to be with you.

@Gloopygumdrops

Ultimatum time I’m afraid. I had to say “let’s get going or we’re done here” when I was 34. Was a bit worried about being “one of those women” who puts pressure on a man to have babies, but IT’S TOTALLY LEGIT to be “one of those women” when you’re mid thirties. Fortunately he decided he wanted to get going. We had to have IVF though. Female biology ain’t no joke. It’s time to crack on.

Good luck xx

Yes I totally get this, I think I've always been very conscious about being “one of those women”, which is why these conversations about dc are so difficult because of the implications that I'm being pressuring and obsessive. I think surely in my mid 30s with a 38 year old partner is an okay time to be discuss children. xx