Hello, first ever post, I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice?
I've been with my partner 4 year and we both are in agreement that we want to have children. I'm 34 and he's 38. We are not in a great financial situation, we are both artists and have freelance type jobs to make money. I don't think we will ever have loads of money but we are resourceful and loving and we think we can make having children work.
The issue is that I feel like he just keep putting it off, it's never the right time to start trying. The conversations about having children are starting to make me more upset and the last discussion ended in an argument. He said that I'm pressuring him and these conversations are making him want to have children less.
I've tried telling him that I feel the longer you leave it the harder it might be to conceive and there are higher risks of complications. Plus it can take time to conceive anyway. Another issue is that he never wants to have sex, it might be once a month if I'm lucky. Another factor that might make conceiving slow or difficult.
I'm starting to feel like a crazy woman and a bit unsure of what to do!
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Relationships
My partner is putting off trying for a baby
209 replies
Birdland86 · 20/11/2020 14:24
OP posts:
Birdland86 ·
23/11/2020 18:58
@ravenmum
I think we could do it here for sure and go back to the UK if we wanted/needed
I'm from the UK and live in Germany. I had two children here. I also thought about going back to the UK at some point - and asked my exh if it would be possible. He said that sure, that would be great. Then a few years later, when I showed him a potential job he could do in the UK and suggested that we could go over before our dd started at the big school, he said that it wasn't a good time because of his career path. It was indeed never a good time. The children are now almost 21 and 23, I'm divorced and still here because this is their country and they have no plans to go anywhere. My exh would never have given me permission to take the kids to live in the UK alone; without his permission I would have been breaking international law, and he could have forced me back to Germany. Even if I had got his permission to take them to the UK, I would have been separating them from their father. When my parents divorced, my mother took me 3 hours away to the other side of the country and I saw my dad in the holidays. It was horrible and I didn't want that for my children.
If you have a child with this man, you're committing to spend the rest of your life in the same country as him, or messing your child around in a potentially very unpleasant way. Vague ideas about how you think could do this or that are really not good enough as a life plan.
I'm from the UK and live in Germany. I had two children here. I also thought about going back to the UK at some point - and asked my exh if it would be possible. He said that sure, that would be great. Then a few years later, when I showed him a potential job he could do in the UK and suggested that we could go over before our dd started at the big school, he said that it wasn't a good time because of his career path. It was indeed never a good time. The children are now almost 21 and 23, I'm divorced and still here because this is their country and they have no plans to go anywhere. My exh would never have given me permission to take the kids to live in the UK alone; without his permission I would have been breaking international law, and he could have forced me back to Germany. Even if I had got his permission to take them to the UK, I would have been separating them from their father. When my parents divorced, my mother took me 3 hours away to the other side of the country and I saw my dad in the holidays. It was horrible and I didn't want that for my children.
If you have a child with this man, you're committing to spend the rest of your life in the same country as him, or messing your child around in a potentially very unpleasant way. Vague ideas about how you think could do this or that are really not good enough as a life plan.
Is your ex British or German? Does he see the kids? I'm so sorry it turned out like that
OP posts:
Birdland86 ·
23/11/2020 18:46
@AnotherEmma
"I think i need to get him to understand that this is true because he's insisting it's not the case."
I'm starting to wonder if he's gaslighting you, at the very least he's telling you what you want to hear, and maybe he believes it himself but it's meaningless if he's not prepared to make it happen.
In all your posts you just keep writing about having conversations with him, as if you are going to change his answers and his behaviour by getting him to see your point of view. You're not. If he was interested in your point of view he would have taken it on board by now. He's not interested in changing his life in order to start a family. He likes his life the way it is.
The sooner you accept that you're flogging a dead horse, stop trying to talk to him and start making actual plans to move back to the U.K., the better.
Meanwhile, why not have a fertility check-up? That will either reassure you or be a wake up call with to get a move on.
I'm starting to wonder if he's gaslighting you, at the very least he's telling you what you want to hear, and maybe he believes it himself but it's meaningless if he's not prepared to make it happen.
In all your posts you just keep writing about having conversations with him, as if you are going to change his answers and his behaviour by getting him to see your point of view. You're not. If he was interested in your point of view he would have taken it on board by now. He's not interested in changing his life in order to start a family. He likes his life the way it is.
The sooner you accept that you're flogging a dead horse, stop trying to talk to him and start making actual plans to move back to the U.K., the better.
Meanwhile, why not have a fertility check-up? That will either reassure you or be a wake up call with to get a move on.
"I'm starting to wonder if he's gaslighting you" - I'm starting to wonder this as well, he says he wants kids, but when I try to have a serious conversation about it he makes me feel awkward and concludes that I'm pressuring him. So I'm left feeling confused.
"The sooner you accept that you're flogging a dead horse, stop trying to talk to him and start making actual plans to move back to the U.K., the better." - thank you, it's going to be difficult to accept but I really think you are right.
Good idea on the fertility check up
OP posts:
Birdland86 ·
23/11/2020 18:30
@Smudgingpastels
Please don't even think of having a child with this man.
The hell for a child split between a parent each wanting to be in 2 different countries doesn't bear thinking about.
Have you checked Portuguese law if the husband doesn't want the child to leave the country?
Having children is all about practicalities. Friends and family if you are lucky to help you. Otherwise it can be relentless drudgery and loneliness.
The most important thing in procreating is to find someone who cannot wait to impregnate you and is excited and hands on and desperate to be a dad and makes your happiness their primary goal.
Your situation is jaw droppingly bad. The fact you can't see it and think talking about it will help is already a huge banner of a red flag.
It's not something that is necessary to be spoken about op! His attitude to you, his feelings, his desire for sex are all things that are obvious!!!
Why are you so blinded by the obvious??
Don't you think to browbeat someone to having more sex with you and to have a child now with you is not treading in humiliating territory?
You need to be valued, loved and your needs placed first as it is an extremely vulnerable time for a woman when she is pregnant!
Good grief stop humiliating yourself any further with this man, he sounds lovely by the way, a gentle dreamer.
Stop pressurising him! When he feels he has met the right woman to start a family with he will change instantly.
You will always know at the back of your mind he didn't want this even if you miraculously did fall pregnant.
Stop humiliating yourself op.
The hell for a child split between a parent each wanting to be in 2 different countries doesn't bear thinking about.
Have you checked Portuguese law if the husband doesn't want the child to leave the country?
Having children is all about practicalities. Friends and family if you are lucky to help you. Otherwise it can be relentless drudgery and loneliness.
The most important thing in procreating is to find someone who cannot wait to impregnate you and is excited and hands on and desperate to be a dad and makes your happiness their primary goal.
Your situation is jaw droppingly bad. The fact you can't see it and think talking about it will help is already a huge banner of a red flag.
It's not something that is necessary to be spoken about op! His attitude to you, his feelings, his desire for sex are all things that are obvious!!!
Why are you so blinded by the obvious??
Don't you think to browbeat someone to having more sex with you and to have a child now with you is not treading in humiliating territory?
You need to be valued, loved and your needs placed first as it is an extremely vulnerable time for a woman when she is pregnant!
Good grief stop humiliating yourself any further with this man, he sounds lovely by the way, a gentle dreamer.
Stop pressurising him! When he feels he has met the right woman to start a family with he will change instantly.
You will always know at the back of your mind he didn't want this even if you miraculously did fall pregnant.
Stop humiliating yourself op.
"Have you checked Portuguese law if the husband doesn't want the child to leave the country?" - I haven't done this but it's something I will look into.
"Having children is all about practicalities. Friends and family if you are lucky to help you. Otherwise it can be relentless drudgery and loneliness." - I think I had some optimism about this when we first came here, but knowing myself, and taking advice from others, I feel like I could find it hard without friends and family. He doesn't share this concern either, think it would be fine just me and him.
"Don't you think to browbeat someone to having more sex with you and to have a child now with you is not treading in humiliating territory?" - yeah I get this, and it's something I never thought I'd do. I think I've given him the benefit of the doubt for a long time.
Thank you for your honest, it's really helpful to me and appreciated
OP posts:
Birdland86 ·
23/11/2020 18:21
@RantyAnty
I think you've made it crystal clear to him several times.
He hasn't stepped up with any actions so that tells you everything you need to know. He doesn't want to but he isn't going to actually come out and say it to you. His actions have shown you everything.
I would just set in motion plans to return to the UK around January or February. Reconnect with people there before you go so you might have some potential interviews.
He hasn't stepped up with any actions so that tells you everything you need to know. He doesn't want to but he isn't going to actually come out and say it to you. His actions have shown you everything.
I would just set in motion plans to return to the UK around January or February. Reconnect with people there before you go so you might have some potential interviews.
"I would just set in motion plans to return to the UK around January or February. Reconnect with people there before you go so you might have some potential interviews." - This sounds like a good plan honestly. I've had maybe 4-5 serious discussions about this in the last 8 months. I haven't see much action yet
OP posts:
Birdland86 ·
23/11/2020 18:15
@caringcarer
If he does not want to have sex with you and is 38 now think how bad will your sex life be in a couple of years. Don't waste all your fertile years on this man who seems to be stringing you along. If you left him tomorrow, it might take you a while to find another man, see if you are compatible together, grow your relationship to the point where you decide to have a baby together. That could all take 3 or 4 years. You would be 38 then and if you wanted more than 1 child it migjt be difficult. One of my dearest school friends was in a relationship with man who through their late 20's and early 30's was a workaholic. He said they had plenty of time for children when he reached partner of his solicitor firm. By the time that happened she was 38. They tried for a year but nothing happened. They went to GP and had tests. No reason she could not conceive. GP not very sympathetic and told her her most fertile years were over. She tried for another 3 months on a fertility drug. 3 months before she was 40 she had IVF. They had to pay themselves, it did not work. Then she had to wait a couple of mo this and have counselling before she was allowed to try again. Repeat this cycle twice more. She eventually got pregnant on forth round and by then had cost them over £14k. She had her son when she was 42. She would have liked a second child but was told her fertility would be even lower then do they stick with 1. We used to tell her she was leaving it too late and what if she took s while to get pregnant. She has said if she knew in her early 30's what she knows now she would just give her DH an ultimatum.
£14k!!! That's such a lot of money. Interesting to hear that looking back she wish'd she'd given her DH an ultimatum. It's a difficult thing to do but way way less difficult than what she had to go through to conceive. Plus the emotional turmoil she obvious went through because she went for counselling.
OP posts:
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