Paranoid and did a stupid thing

[Helpme20]

About 2 years ago, I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. After lots of arguments etc where he kept saying he basically fcked up but nothing happened (no sex, not even a kiss). He just felt flattered that she paid him attention, complimented him etc and it all started as a good friendship and then got closer. He apologised, left the job and found another job, stopped all contact, blocked her number (after she tried contacting him a few times). Now he has tried very hard and things are great. Hardly any arguments, very involved with kids and me, almost back to pre-affair, except that I cannot let go in my head. I still check his phone, emails and I still want 'revenge' in my head.
Now the stupid thing that I have done. I emailed him pretending to be her and I am scared shitless that he may realise that it was me.
Not sure what am after, just needed a rant and may be some advice or suggestions. Thanks

You want revenge on him?

That doesn't seem like something you would feel for someone you love. I get that be hurt you but...I would want to feel he was truly sorry...or maybe to know be was totally over her...but not revenge. Revenge is something you want on someone you hate.

If these feelings are in your marriage... it doesn't bode well. You aren't over it pain he caused you. And that has festered into something dark. The question is, can you pull yourself out of it? Or would you be better coming to terms with not being able to forgive him, and walking away? Before you become someone you don't even recognise.

*he

Gosh. You’re still in a very very bad place,what sort of revenge are you looking for?

Why are you still in the marriage ? And secretly behaving like this, it’s way worse than what he did.

I think you need to tell him and end it.

You clearly don't trust him
End the relationship

Hi Bunymummy , thanks for your message. Sorry I should have made it clearer, i want revenge on her. Although I do not think revenge is the word I should use. I keep thinking whether there was more, why did she still try to contact him, after he left. How strong were those feelings/friendship etc. Also I think I probably wanted to see how he would respond to the email.

Honestly yes you’ve fucked up. He has done everything right, but if you can’t trust him then you need to leave him and let him find a relationship where he isn’t walking on eggshells and has some degree of privacy.

If you check his emails can you delete the one you sent before he sees it?

You want revenge on her but not him? Isn’t he most at fault? What sort of revenge do you want on her? You want to punish anyone who says yes to your husband?

What exactly did the ‘emotional affair’ consist of?

Yes I think it is more me now. He admitted messing up and apologised etc and as far as I can see, he is making the effort and there has been no cause for me to question or doubt him. But every night I cannot stop questioning things in my head...

I done somthing like this once felt ridiculous and he never replied so don't worry yourself

Your feelings are all very valid and you realise your actions won’t help. Forget this email and start to work out if you want to be with your husband or not. You need to talk to him about this and where it came from. And he needs to support you to get through this awful situation which he created.

Ok, I think you’ve become obsessed. You need to seek some help, two years now, and you still think about it daily. Want revenge on her and are trying to catch him out. It’s really disturbing behaviour.

I think you need counselling,

Tbh I hope he does realise it's you. This is a really unhealthy place you've gone down and it will destroy your marriage.

You've either forgiven him or not. Hanging on to this will eat you up and sour your relationship.

It was text messages after work hours. Her saying he looked nice today, or 'let's do coffee' etc and he would say 'sure'. Then long text conversations about how horrible her ex was and him saying she deserved better etc

@WhoUsedMyName

I done somthing like this once felt ridiculous and he never replied so don't worry yourself

He fact that your DH ignored an email has got nothing to do with this, how would that mean that the OP has got nothing to worry about

You have got yourself into a bit of a situation, I assume you're had to make a fake email address to cover your tracks so not easy to explain away.

Coming clean and taking the consequences is probably your best option now

I’m unsure why you want revenge on her when your partner was the one in a relationship and having the affair?

I think you have a problem honestly. I’m not blaming you for what happened but clearly the trust has gone and things will never be the same.

How long do you expect to be checking his emails and messages and phone? The rest of your life?

You are doing damage to your relationship. You are in fact trying to entrap him. If this were a man doing that to a woman it would be called controlling or coercive here on good ol mumsnet.
Anyway, you are in a place where the only options open to you are to:

1. End the relationship
2. Seek out a Psychotherapist to explore why you feel like you do.

Remember - it was an 'emotional affair' in your book, not in everybody else's....
He did everything right after admitting to the 'affair' and yet you are now sending him emails to catch him out. How is that healthy?

Ah that makes more sense. It's just, messaging him pretending to be her doesnt really hurt her at all. But I get that you maybe want to use it to get answers from him.

Tbh...it might end up making you feel worse. And surely you don't want him to be thinking about her anymore?

I would just not respond if he responds. Or tell him the message was meant for someone else, if pos.

It's a slippery slope op, best get off it fast.
Tbh it sounds like she was just a mate who he got a bit too close with. He then did everything right by leaving the job ect.

I think you need to decide if you can just let this go. Or if 3 years down the line this will still bother you if you dont get any more answers. If so, maybe cut your losses and end things now.

he has replied to the email and basically said to forget about him and that their friendship was wrong and crossed boundaries and wished her all the best for the future. I responded 2 times and he has ignored both. But he never told me she contacted him again.

Any moral high ground you had is gone. What he did was wrong, but this is equally fucked up if not worse. Just tell him you haven't forgiven him, and that you can't, and then work to co-parent well after the divorce. If I were him and found out you'd done this, I'd walk.

So a friendship? You made him quit his job and give up all privacy rights for a friendship you weren’t happy with.

@Helpme20

It was text messages after work hours. Her saying he looked nice today, or 'let's do coffee' etc and he would say 'sure'. Then long text conversations about how horrible her ex was and him saying she deserved better etc

Thats not an emotional affair btw. Thats a work colleague oversharing and seeking support where she should not be and your husband being kind enough/ stupid enough/ having poor boundaries to reply.

Sorry but you need help. You are being extremely manipulative. End the relationship as you can't move past it. He has responded to what he thinks is this woman in the best way possible and you are still unhappy. End it before you make the relationship incredibly hurtful and ugly for both of you.

@Helpme20

he has replied to the email and basically said to forget about him and that their friendship was wrong and crossed boundaries and wished her all the best for the future. I responded 2 times and he has ignored both. But he never told me she contacted him again.

Jesus. You do know you’ve tipped in the abuser category now? Setting traps. That poor guy.

You haven't dealt with this at all if two years later you've done this. He's replied to email and now you are still wondering why he hadn't told you. I think you should come clean and tell him although I doubt he's going to be happy