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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Paranoid and did a stupid thing

221 replies

Helpme20 · 18/11/2020 12:15

About 2 years ago, I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. After lots of arguments etc where he kept saying he basically fcked up but nothing happened (no sex, not even a kiss). He just felt flattered that she paid him attention, complimented him etc and it all started as a good friendship and then got closer. He apologised, left the job and found another job, stopped all contact, blocked her number (after she tried contacting him a few times). Now he has tried very hard and things are great. Hardly any arguments, very involved with kids and me, almost back to pre-affair, except that I cannot let go in my head. I still check his phone, emails and I still want 'revenge' in my head.
Now the stupid thing that I have done. I emailed him pretending to be her and I am scared shitless that he may realise that it was me.
Not sure what am after, just needed a rant and may be some advice or suggestions. Thanks

OP posts:
Helpme20 · 19/11/2020 12:25

@Bluntness100

Hmm,. Who was he buying lunch for op?

I’d be concerned this is the tip of the ice berg.

It reads like you’re flattered that he is “going to be honest” .

But he will be honest in far as he feels it is palatable. And no you do not bear part of the responsibility. He didn’t give her five hundred odd quid because he is a generous guy, you know this. He was likely buying her lunches and doing whatever else too, he was giving her money because he thought he had a chance with her.

And deep down you know it. And him making out it was her tempting him with an affair is pure bullshit.

I am not sure, but in one month there was around £300 on lunch, approx about £40/£50 each time. He said he went to pick up lunch for work colleagues, they gave him cash and he paid on his card. Also some were work pub lunches which he paid for with x or y but never mentioned her then.
OP posts:
Helpme20 · 19/11/2020 12:29

@AmywithanL am glad to hear that you have managed to finally leave and are a lot happier. To be honest up until now I have never thought about leaving him. When I first found out yes, I did say it, but deep down I never wanted to. Now other than my paranoia, everything is good. My children are happy, they have a stable home. We do not fight/argue much and quite frankly I am scared to be alone. I have never lived on my own.

OP posts:
MidnightColours · 19/11/2020 12:41

Hello OP, I'm not angry about something that is between you and your husband (how could I?), but it sounds like I made you angry because I am giving you a different perspective. Surely, after 25 years together, you can recognise that communication goes both ways?
Several posters gave you other perspectives (before the "he's a cheat and a twat" posts started coming in), and you yourself called your actions wrong, but you have now chosen to see it as being all on him. Based on your own posts, for over a year this wasn't a topic between you, you were monitoring his phone, and you had no grounds to believe he was still in contact or being anything other than a good husband. Why did you sit on your feelings for so long, leaving them to fester away? Instead of communicating in an adult manner, you tried to manipulate your DH into a reply that would confirm he's up to no good. And when his initial reply was that of a faithful (reformed, in your view) husband, you still tried to push him into incriminating himself? If you don't try and understand why you approached things this way, you won't be able to resolve it. Whatever your husband does, this will continue to chip away at you. Of course I'm assuming he is open and honest, but nothing you have said points to anything else. It sounds like you both love each other, have a good thing going, but continued suspicion and distrust will erode that.
Bear in mind, before you focus only on the posts "supporting" you, that you would have got a very different response if the gender roles were reversed.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you both and wish you all the best and, yes, I will refrain from posting any further.

grapewine · 19/11/2020 12:43

in one month there was around £300 on lunch, approx about £40/£50 each time. He said he went to pick up lunch for work colleagues, they gave him cash and he paid on his card. Also some were work pub lunches which he paid for with x or y

These people saw him coming. Jesus. There's being generous, and then there's being a mug. Unless you are really well off, this is crazy and would piss me off.

tions · 19/11/2020 12:51

OP, I know where you are coming from as this is the sort of thing I would do. Something shit happened to me a while ago and I festered and festered over it. I exploded during lockdown as my usual strategies for coping (being busy, getting out of the house, having hobbies and seeing friends) were all gone and I could only focus on the negative stuff.

There is some good advice on here but also some hardline advice. I only can say that you need to listen to your gut instinct, talk to your husband and keep talking until you get your own resolution.

TwentyViginti · 19/11/2020 13:19

@grapewine

in one month there was around £300 on lunch, approx about £40/£50 each time. He said he went to pick up lunch for work colleagues, they gave him cash and he paid on his card. Also some were work pub lunches which he paid for with x or y

These people saw him coming. Jesus. There's being generous, and then there's being a mug. Unless you are really well off, this is crazy and would piss me off.

Incredible, isn't it?
Helpme20 · 19/11/2020 13:26

*Unless you are really well off, this is crazy and would piss me off.
We are not rich but both have well paid jobs. I do not usually check bank accounts so would not really know how much goes out. He never questions any purchase I make, but I usually show him anything I buy.

OP posts:
Helpme20 · 19/11/2020 13:41

@tions

OP, I know where you are coming from as this is the sort of thing I would do. Something shit happened to me a while ago and I festered and festered over it. I exploded during lockdown as my usual strategies for coping (being busy, getting out of the house, having hobbies and seeing friends) were all gone and I could only focus on the negative stuff.

There is some good advice on here but also some hardline advice. I only can say that you need to listen to your gut instinct, talk to your husband and keep talking until you get your own resolution.

Am sorry you are having a hard time. I think lockdown has been quite hard. You are right about not being able to do what we usually do and having lots of time to ponder on crazy thoughts. Sending you hugs x
OP posts:
Cavagirl · 19/11/2020 14:21

I think the revenge bit has been taken out of proportion on here. Because I did not know what exactly had happened, I kept thinking in my head, thinks like going to their work and telling everyone about them, or telling her family or humiliating her at work by informing her colleagues....I have NEVER acted on any of them. I have never even spoken to her. And I will not, she is irrelevant, my husband made vows to stay faithful to me and she owes me no loyalty, that much I know, but i still hate her

OK so if it's not revenge you want then what? And why?
The answer might be more information to decide the scale of the betrayl. It might be that you want to leave. It might be that you want to find a way to move past it and forgive. Or something else.
I think this, being able to articulate it to yourself, is key. Then you can actually move forward. At the moment it seems you're acting in response to emotion without really a purpose, which isn't helping yourself. I think you need to take some time on your own to think and reflect.

Helpme20 · 19/11/2020 14:27

@cavagirl i agree..definitely needs to think and come to a decision. Have to deal with my emotions first.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/11/2020 14:49

in one month there was around £300 on lunch, approx about £40/£50 each time. He said he went to pick up lunch for work colleagues, they gave him cash and he paid on his card. Also some were work pub lunches which he paid for with x or y

I’m sorry op I don’t believe this for a minute. So he’s the lunch boy then, always buying everyone lunch and collecting rhe cash. Likely twenty lunch’s a time? Always has loads of cash in his wallet? And he’s never mentioned it?

I’m sorry but I’d assume he was taking someone out to lunch and that’s why it is so high. I don’t see how you can get any other conclusion.

Ophelia2020 · 19/11/2020 15:14

This is typical damsel in distress and white knight stuff. He sounds a real fool.

An emotional affair is an affair that has not yet turned physical. I can see no reason that it wasn't physical. I suspect the most he will admit to is a "kiss". You need to ask him this.

Has he actually kept the emails from her? That's worrying if so and I would want to see them.

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2020 15:28

Op, is your behaviour fundamentally because you know deep down he had a physical affair with her?

Helpme20 · 19/11/2020 15:40

@Ophelia2020

This is typical damsel in distress and white knight stuff. He sounds a real fool.

An emotional affair is an affair that has not yet turned physical. I can see no reason that it wasn't physical. I suspect the most he will admit to is a "kiss". You need to ask him this.

Has he actually kept the emails from her? That's worrying if so and I would want to see them.

The emails werw from me pretended to be her..3 emails and yes he archived them.
OP posts:
Helpme20 · 19/11/2020 15:44

@Bluntness100

Op, is your behaviour fundamentally because you know deep down he had a physical affair with her?
I did wonder but there was no evidence. No working late, no unexpected busniess trips. He calls me everyday a few times and that didn't change. Once i found out, there were no hiding in bathroom with phone etc. So that's why I've always called it an emotional affair. I had no reason to believe otherwise. And it was his decision to change his job he'd been there 11 years. He swore not even a kiss but harmless flirting. She admitted to flirting to me and said same thing 'just very good friends'. He is desperate to keep us together now.
OP posts:
yaboo · 19/11/2020 16:00

OP, I reckon you have to let this go. They didn't shag, they didn't even kiss. She was in the shit, he gave her some cash. You found out and went mad, he left his job and there hasn't been a peep between them since.

If what he's saying is true, then he seems like a decent fella and you should be proud of him, not trying to catch him out and test him and still be so full of anger about this. Okay, he didn't tell you he'd given her money, but I'm not surprised he didn't tell you if this is how you've reacted. Taking her for a coffee at lunchtime when she's upset isn't a red flag, to me. To me, it's a gentleman move -- maybe he was playing the 'white knight', but that's not a bad thing, and it doesn't mean he wants to shag her. He sounds like a decent fella. Not a twat. So maybe stop treating him like one?

If he was a male colleague, would you be reacting in the same way? Would you say they were having an 'emotional affair', that he' 'betrayed you', all that? I doubt you'd give it a minute's head-space.

People spend a lot of time together when they're colleagues. They tell each other about their home lives, their children, they share stuff, they get close. It's great when work is like that. Feels like family. Okay, sometimes it gets a bit deep, but you have to trust your other half to do the right thing, and it doesn't sound to me like he's done bad.

You've been together for years. You say he's a good husband and a good dad. I wouldn't want you to throw all that in the bin for nothing.

Give him, and yourself, a break. Stop winding yourself up. Unless you're looking for an excuse to bin him, I'd stop all this wondering and make a decision. You either trust him, or you don't.

Helpme20 · 19/11/2020 16:18

The opinions and advice on here varies a lot. It's like it's 50/50- he's cheated and had an affair and i need to leave him or he's not done anything wrong, am over exaggerating and need to get help for myself. He thinks I should get off MN and doesn't understand why am listening to strangers but irrespective of what has been said to me,am glad i posted on here. It has given me a lot of insight and food for thought. So thanks to everyone.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/11/2020 16:20

It just seems all a bit extreme. I won’t lie op. All the money on lunches, which clearly aren’t for all his colleagues. Giving her money. Good morning and good night texts, changing his job. I mean if he was going out and buying twenty odd lunches and collecting cash, he’d mention it. I mean who does that to the tune of 300 quid a month?

it’s all a bit suspect. But I agree, either accept this or leave there is no point torturing yourself over it.

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2020 16:21

He thinks I should get off MN and doesn't understand why am listening to strangers

Yeah I’ll just bet he wants you to get off here and only listen to him.

LilyWater · 19/11/2020 16:49

@Helpme20

he has replied to the email and basically said to forget about him and that their friendship was wrong and crossed boundaries and wished her all the best for the future. I responded 2 times and he has ignored both. But he never told me she contacted him again.
Hi OP, hopefully this provides reassurance that he's at least sticking to boundaries with this woman as you both agreed Flowers
TattiesGone · 19/11/2020 17:12

Hi op. Do you have access to enough spare money to spend on CBT? The way you are writing, the feelings you are expressing, the chaos in your head over this are palpable and I thnk you need help. Not because you're wrong about your dh's "friendship" but because you now must look after yourself and your mental health.

I was where you are for my entire 20s and most of my 30s. The best way to describe it was i spent 15 years in some sort of self perpetuating mental torture and it was very nearly the end of me. I became very ill, mentally.

I snapped one day nearing 40 and thought fuck this i will not spend another day like this and i found an excellent therapist who over a couple of years helped me retrain my thought patterns, as well as understand why they were the way they were.

It was honestly the best money i ever spent and i would urge you to do the same if you can afford to.

Just remembering the depths my brain would go to, how it impacted family life, how everything i was doing stopped instantly if a new possibility occurred to me - it really is torturous but there are ways to deal with it should you want to Thanks

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