Paranoid and did a stupid thing

[Helpme20]

About 2 years ago, I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. After lots of arguments etc where he kept saying he basically fcked up but nothing happened (no sex, not even a kiss). He just felt flattered that she paid him attention, complimented him etc and it all started as a good friendship and then got closer. He apologised, left the job and found another job, stopped all contact, blocked her number (after she tried contacting him a few times). Now he has tried very hard and things are great. Hardly any arguments, very involved with kids and me, almost back to pre-affair, except that I cannot let go in my head. I still check his phone, emails and I still want 'revenge' in my head.
Now the stupid thing that I have done. I emailed him pretending to be her and I am scared shitless that he may realise that it was me.
Not sure what am after, just needed a rant and may be some advice or suggestions. Thanks

Yes! And I would never have know had I not seen the text message of her thanking him and knowing she can always count on him. He is her rock and him saying that he will always be there for her! Then I checked the account and I was SHOCKED

No doubt she would have milked him for more. Maybe he saw through her at the end.

@shiningstar2 Thank you! That is what I have been doing. Our marriage (other than the mess in my head) is back on track. We laugh and joke, do our own things, do things as a family with the kids etc. So I do not bring up the past and we hardly argue other than mundane stuffs which is normal. But I just need to sort my head out. It feels like he has erased that from his memory. He NEVER mentions it at all.

@Helpme20 it still doesn't sound like you have forgiven him to me not fully hence the paranoia aswell. I would suggest talking to him telling him you still sit awake at night playing through these ideas the fact that your still bringing up the money two years on shows that while you and ur husband have plastered the surface all the cracks are still underneath your still hurt it happened in the first place I get it. I'm glad you will seek out help also but talk to your husband he needs to know he might be able to reassure you a bit more or have advice himself. I'm sure he didn't tell you about the email you sent where he thought it was her because he told her to get lost and probably knew it would bring back painful memories and upset you. He loves you you just need to believe it and if you can't move on or trust him then maybe you both cannot overcome this and that is also okay either way I wish you both well.

Every single one of my responses I know I fcked up by sending that email so I am not justifying my actions..

It's coming across that you think you fucked up because you are worried now about your husband finding out and there being issues in your relationship because of that, like you might have rocked the boat.

That shouldn't be your focus.
The issue is already there within your relationship, you have never discussed this with him properly which led you to get to the point where you thought it would be a good idea to set a trap.
You should never be in a relationship where you can't bring up the fact that you are struggling this badly with something. That's not a healthy relationship.

I just sent my husband a text and asked about his meeting he had today and asked if he was happy with us and he respond 'what's happened?'

Of course he will think something happened if he got a message like that out of the blue.
This is your marriage and your life that you have to live. You shouldn't be evasive about the issues that you are currently experiencing.

Hi @Helpme20

I'm in a similar place to you, though only 6 months down the line, not 2 years. I haven't done anything like send fake emails, though I'll admit I do fantasies about going through his phone etc all the time. It's not an easy place and eats you alive.

I’m not saying what you did was okay, but you already know that. And, without justifying it, can understand being driven completely mad by the various possibilities of what could have happened playing through your mind.

This ‘closure’ that people talk about is near impossible to get from a few conversations. I still think of stuff I want to know all the time, and even if I asked, how do you know it’s the truth? The hard fact is you will never 100% know what happened. As much as we would like to, we can’t watch re-runs of their ‘friendships’ on Netflix. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished to see every interaction they ever had.

We all know you’ve crossed a line with this, and I don’t really agree that you have been denying that. Now all you can do is figure out what you want to do with that information. You know he doesn’t want contact with her and you know, even when prompted, he’s now staying faithful to you. That’s a pretty nice thing to know. If that’s not enough, then perhaps the trust is really gone for good? Or there’s a deeper issue with self-confidence as others has suggested.

Hope you find some sort of peace, be it through this, counselling, or time. Living on high alert for so long is no fun.

Living on high alert for so long is no fun.

This...and it can also be incredibly damaging to your health..not just your mental health but your physical health too.

If you want to heal your relationship then you're going to have to tell him what you did, and why you did it.

You don’t need to wait for lockdown to end to have some counselling. You can do it on FaceTime or equivalent. You could actually ‘interview’ just about any therapist in the world of any kind of therapy that speaks to you because globally, they are all pretty much WFH. Good luck with that and fully embrace your journey because you really need something to change in the way you think.

@girlinneed101 Sorry you are going through something similar. It's a pretty difficult place to be in. Sending you hugs xxx

@Helpme20

It was our money. Everything goes in one account and I earn much more than him so if you want to be petty, it was more likely my money. And what does it matter who's money it was. Is it ok if I start giving money to some random friends because I want to be liked?

Thats very difficult. I agree trust is bruised badly by things like that. He did say he was sorry. But now you really need to learn why you are still stuck on this - even if its for you. Communication is the thing that kills lots of survivable situations in relationships. I am sorry if you feel judged or if I was harsh in any way. It is very difficult.

This is a great piece if you wanted to watch it - Esther Perel - very good therapist with lots of material on cheating, trust breaking and how to and why you should recover.

Take care

'Helpme20

he has replied to the email and basically said to forget about him and that their friendship was wrong and crossed boundaries and wished her all the best for the future. I responded 2 times and he has ignored both. But he never told me she contacted him again.'

Maybe because he knows it hurt you so much the first time that he doesn't want to bring it up again. He did the right thing. You either trust him now or let him go. At this point, YOU are the problem.

Op he has not cheated. You even say the emails weren’t flirting. Whether it was inappropriate or not is actually subjective, I don’t think so, you do, so it’s not even clear cut. And the reason I don’t think it was because he was not flirting with her or trying to get her in the sack he was just acting like a friend and supporting her.

Honestly this is not good. You’ve built this into such a big thing in your head. How can you say your marriage is back on track when you’re sending him emails pretending to be this woman two years later, and thinking about it every day. It means you’re living a lie. You lie to him every single day and pretend it’s back on track, when secretly in your head your obsessing ro this stage you do things like this email

And now your sole concern is he finds out. This is so much worse than what you perceive to be his initial crime

You do not keep someone by control and trickery. That’s not how relationships work. It isn’t how relationships are supposed to work. There is no justification for treating him like this.

I know you won’t do it, but if you truly understand the issue then you should tell him tonight, about your emails, your obsession, your desire for revenge.

Massive thanks to everyone who has responded - those with comforting words and advice as well as those who think am a husband abuser. I have taken everything on board. I have sent my husband a message to say that I am not feeling great today and would love to have a chat tonight but no pressure. He has responded and asked if it was work. I said no its about us. He called me straight away and I did not answer. I replied and said 'chat tonight, just remember I love you xx'. I sent a text and said 'Busy right now, see you later xx'.
I mean his response 'just remember I love you'...weird right?

It’s weird that you sent him those texts yes. It reads manipulative like you’re trying to worry him. There was no need for that at all.

So yes, weird.

I meant he texted and said 'chat tonight, just remember that I love you xx'.

Are you going to tell him what you did? That could open up a conversation about how you're feeling.

@Helpme20

I meant he texted and said 'chat tonight, just remember that I love you xx'.

No, not weird.

Everyone advised that I speak to him and tell him the truth and now that I have said I want a chat, I am being manipulative? @Bluntness100..i cannot win can I?

His response is not weird, you sending him cryptic texts and avoiding his call is purposefully designed to worry him. I genuinely have no idea why you’d do that unless manipulating him and playing games is something that is now so second nature you can’t help it any more,

@PaperTowels I plan to explain everything and hopefully I do not chicken out of the email part. I feel anxious and scared.

Op, yes you can win, by being honest and open

As hard as it is, that’s how you win. Honest, open, no games, no lies, no manipulation.

@Bluntness100 - am i meant to have this conversation on the phone with him with my colleagues in earshot.