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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Paranoid and did a stupid thing

221 replies

Helpme20 · 18/11/2020 12:15

About 2 years ago, I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. After lots of arguments etc where he kept saying he basically fcked up but nothing happened (no sex, not even a kiss). He just felt flattered that she paid him attention, complimented him etc and it all started as a good friendship and then got closer. He apologised, left the job and found another job, stopped all contact, blocked her number (after she tried contacting him a few times). Now he has tried very hard and things are great. Hardly any arguments, very involved with kids and me, almost back to pre-affair, except that I cannot let go in my head. I still check his phone, emails and I still want 'revenge' in my head.
Now the stupid thing that I have done. I emailed him pretending to be her and I am scared shitless that he may realise that it was me.
Not sure what am after, just needed a rant and may be some advice or suggestions. Thanks

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 18/11/2020 12:39

He's passed your little test then or has he failed for not telling you? Either you trust him again and carry on or you don't but you're in the wrong here for manipulating him like this

Jakey056 · 18/11/2020 12:39

@Helpme20

he has replied to the email and basically said to forget about him and that their friendship was wrong and crossed boundaries and wished her all the best for the future. I responded 2 times and he has ignored both. But he never told me she contacted him again.
'But he never told me she contacted him again'

Why would he? After t he last time. If you are integrity testing him and thats his response above I think he has passed. He is clear. You are well out of order.

TwentyViginti · 18/11/2020 12:39

@Helpme20

he has replied to the email and basically said to forget about him and that their friendship was wrong and crossed boundaries and wished her all the best for the future. I responded 2 times and he has ignored both. But he never told me she contacted him again.
Well he wouldn't tell you because he wouldn't want to hurt you by bringing it all up again.

His reply to 'her' shows it's OVER for him.

Seek help now, OP. And STOP with the fake contact.

Original poster
Helpme20 · 18/11/2020 12:40

No i did not make him leave his job. It was all his decisions. There were many arguments and basically it would be impossible not to talk to her when they worked in the same office. He admitted the friendship was too close and that if that was me with another man, he wouldnt be happy. It was getting personal, too personal stuff they were discussing. And the good morning and good night messages etc. So leaving the job was his decision and he admitted that it was wrong.

OP posts:
EpochTime · 18/11/2020 12:41

@Helpme20

he has replied to the email and basically said to forget about him and that their friendship was wrong and crossed boundaries and wished her all the best for the future. I responded 2 times and he has ignored both. But he never told me she contacted him again.
Take that as a huge positive to enable you to move on.

He won't tell you as he won't want to open old wounds.

BigBadVoodooHat · 18/11/2020 12:41

@Helpme20

he has replied to the email and basically said to forget about him and that their friendship was wrong and crossed boundaries and wished her all the best for the future. I responded 2 times and he has ignored both. But he never told me she contacted him again.
So basically even though he has done the 'right' thing in telling her to bog off and ignoring 'her' further emails, you're still looking for a reason to doubt him?

He didn't tell you because he knows how paranoid you are and he didn't fancy several years more grief off the back of the trap you set for him.

You need to get some help and get over this, or finish the relationship for good, because this is very unhealthy behaviour.

Bunnymumy · 18/11/2020 12:42

Yeah sorry op but you've crossed far more boundaries here than it seems he did with her.

You aren't in a healthy place right now and it's something you need to work on yourself. Perhaps with some counciling.

VettiyaIruken · 18/11/2020 12:42

So after starting this tread about the stupid thing you did, you went and did it twice more, trying to catch him out?

He responded entirely appropriately. One shutting 'her' down, then ignoring further contact. That doesn't reassure you?

He betrayed you. You could have left. You don't trust him. You could leave.
It's like you want him to start chatting so you can say you were right.

grapewine · 18/11/2020 12:42

And after reading your update: that's your husband being supportive - not really an emotional affair. Agree with others that therapy would probably help you.

Sunflowergirl1 · 18/11/2020 12:42

@Helpme20

But he never told me she contacted him again.

I'm sorry but you have become so completely obsessed over what happens in the context of two years on.

When people have an affair it is frequently difficult to ever get the trust back and when it has happened to friends of mine I have said if your trust has gone then get divorced. It honestly sounds to me like it is screwing your mental health and you won't recover until you leave him

He hasn't told you as if you don't think he knows how obsessed you still are then you are naive.

Sorry but I would leave him and both get on with your lives

AlternativePerspective · 18/11/2020 12:45

It was text messages after work hours. Her saying he looked nice today, or 'let's do coffee' etc and he would say 'sure'. Then long text conversations about how horrible her ex was and him saying she deserved better etc that’s not an emotional affair.

And tbh the term emotional affair is over used and allows people to categorise their partners having innocent friendships as cheating.

While emotional affairs do exist, I think that all too often the term is used as a manipulation tactic to allow one partner to control the other.

You are the one in the wrong here, from the outset. He did nothing wrong, not even talking to this woman. And now you’re setting traps for him. He needs to leave you, and it will be no more than you deserve.

You’re abusing him and that’s not ok.

Livandme · 18/11/2020 12:46

This is not your finest hour op.
This was 2 years ago, your dh did alot of things to make it right.
You aren't over it. Your dh will know that hence why he hasn't mentioned the "contact".
Not sure what you were looking for him to do. You set a trap, and he was damned if he did and dammed if he didn't.

helloxhristmas · 18/11/2020 12:49

Wow op yes you have fucked up. If he ever find out your relationship will be over. Can you carry it?

AlternativePerspective · 18/11/2020 12:49

I believe the term used to describe your behaviour is gaslighting.

Original poster
Helpme20 · 18/11/2020 12:50

Thank you all for your replies. I am aware that what i did was stupid. The emails were last week and my further 2 replies were last week as well. So as not to drip feed, I felt that it was an emotional affair, because he was getting very involved in her problems and when i told him to stop all contact with her, he said he couldn't as they worked together. He gave her money to send back to her country as her family was in trouble financially. And after the change of jobs, there were a few text exchanges from other colleagues always weirdly mentioning her, as if they shared this amazing friendship etc. All this really screwed with my head. At the moment, he doesnt know what I am going through, he thinks it is all good now but my head is fcked up. I agree may be I need help. I love my husband and our children and i really want to keep my family going, There are no other issues in my marriage but I dont know how to forget this whole thing.

OP posts:
PucePanther · 18/11/2020 12:50

Why do you want revenge on her when your husband was the one who crossed a line? If she’s single then she hasn’t done anything wrong. She hasn’t made any promises to you. You’re just looking for someone to blame because you can’t admit that your husband was at fault. You either forgive him or you don’t, but in no way is this woman responsible for what HE did to you.

Hesfamousforit · 18/11/2020 12:52

I think you've been hurt pretty badly(which I can understand) and the trust isn't coming back, even if you want the relationship to work the damage has been done now.

crosshatching · 18/11/2020 12:53

Op it sounds like you have a whole heap of unresolved pain here and you're casting about for a place to park it.

Try and seek some help to work this through, this has been the wake up call for you.

Bluntness100 · 18/11/2020 12:53

You emailed him again?

This wasn’t even an emotional affair, you were just jealous he was friends with a woman.

I really think you need to seek help, as this is abusive. Any man posting this would have had his arse handed to him.

Bunnymumy · 18/11/2020 12:54

@AlternativePerspective

I believe the term used to describe your behaviour is gaslighting.
Not gaslighting no. It's just straight up manipulation.

Gaslighting would be more like if he saw over her shoulder that she sent him those emails and then confronted her and she went 'no I didnt. You're imagining things'.

Gaslighting is concerned with trying to convince the other person they are always misinterpreting you/going crazy ect...

Original poster
Helpme20 · 18/11/2020 12:55

No I did not message him again. The initial message which i got a response to and the 2 subsequent messages which I didnt get a response to, all happened last week, in 2 days.

OP posts:
Happygogoat · 18/11/2020 12:55

@Helpme20

he has replied to the email and basically said to forget about him and that their friendship was wrong and crossed boundaries and wished her all the best for the future. I responded 2 times and he has ignored both. But he never told me she contacted him again.
Surely this is what you want?

Either you can move on, or you can't. No judgement there. But what you're doing now is toxic.

GuillermoVanHelsing · 18/11/2020 12:55

@Helpme20

he has replied to the email and basically said to forget about him and that their friendship was wrong and crossed boundaries and wished her all the best for the future. I responded 2 times and he has ignored both. But he never told me she contacted him again.
Do you think maybe he realised it was you?
Original poster
Helpme20 · 18/11/2020 12:57

@crosshatching - yes I agree. I think we probably didnt deal with my feelings. My husband is not a talker so whilst he left his job and went back to our normal life, i felt like i never had answers. Why would he give money to another woman without telling me first. Why did he feel the need to have another woman as a confidante etc

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 18/11/2020 12:58

Do you think maybe he realised it was you?

Hopefully not, can you imagine living like that, where your spouse is behaving like this? It’s bullying, controlling and possibly even coercion when he left his job and admitted “it was wrong”

Op, either you suffer extreme jealousy and obsessive traits and/or you’re very ill. You need to speak to your gp.