Paranoid and did a stupid thing

[Helpme20]

About 2 years ago, I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. After lots of arguments etc where he kept saying he basically fcked up but nothing happened (no sex, not even a kiss). He just felt flattered that she paid him attention, complimented him etc and it all started as a good friendship and then got closer. He apologised, left the job and found another job, stopped all contact, blocked her number (after she tried contacting him a few times). Now he has tried very hard and things are great. Hardly any arguments, very involved with kids and me, almost back to pre-affair, except that I cannot let go in my head. I still check his phone, emails and I still want 'revenge' in my head.
Now the stupid thing that I have done. I emailed him pretending to be her and I am scared shitless that he may realise that it was me.
Not sure what am after, just needed a rant and may be some advice or suggestions. Thanks

@crackingcrackers I have still lots of questions. Obviously people on here will find me manipulative for having these questions, but I would like to know whether he knew i sent the emails, if he did how did he? and if he did not why is he not half as angry and outraged as the majority of posters on here, and also why he kept them.
How far would things have gone if I did not find those messages, would he have taken her offer of an affair?

would he have taken her offer of an affair?

I doubt it, if she wanted a grand from him!

Having questions is normal. You didn't get to the bottom of it at the time because the communication just stopped. With situations like this, the only way forward is to talk through it and build good communication skills. Maybe I'm just naive, but I do think that's something that can be worked on and built even in a long term relationship where it's slipped.
I think you need to write down your questions and work out why you need to ask them. For example (if I'm reading this right) that the reason you want to know why he kept the emails is because you worry they've still been messaging and he's been keeping those messages in a similar way. And then the reason that would bother you is because he might still be emotionally attached or keeping them for sentimental reasons. I am not saying that's what I think is happening, but I think that's what your worry is. Get your questions down. Try to understand your motivations for asking the questions and get those down to, even if they make you feel uncomfortable. Then talk to him about it feeling clearer about how you feel and ask what he thinks.

I think thr additional detail changes it. I’m still not sure it was an emotional affair more yes, he was leading to a physical affair. I’m astounded she asked him to gift her a grand. He sounds like a right twat. She was taking him for a mug and he was lapping it up like a teenager with a hard on.

I guess everyone reacts differently, and I suspect your friend is right, if you’d not found out he’d have went there if she let him snd he got the chance.

It genuinely reads like one of these situations where some older person gets taken in by someone young in an impoverished country and believes it’s love when they just want the money,

I don’t think I could forgive it to be honest. Purely because I’d be nauseated that he was so into some other woman he was handing over money like that. Honestly what a dick head.

As said, we are all different, I’d think she was just out for what she could get, but I’d be literally sick of the sight of him that he was that desperate he was emptying his bank account for her.

She sounds to me like a real life version of an online scammer.

And he fell for it, he actually gave her money. He's not the brightest, is he?

OP, it still doesn't sound like you will or want to let this go. It can't just be all about dissecting your DH's reactions and him making amends (again), when you baited him with several emails after over a year. You need to think deeply about why you did that.

That’s exactly what it sounds like to me. She’s seen him as some mug to target for money because he fancied her. And she was right. She never even had to kiss him. Just threw some attention his way, pleaded a need for money for her family back home and he opened his wallet.

Couldn’t respect that myself.

@crackingcrackers

Having questions is normal. You didn't get to the bottom of it at the time because the communication just stopped. With situations like this, the only way forward is to talk through it and build good communication skills. Maybe I'm just naive, but I do think that's something that can be worked on and built even in a long term relationship where it's slipped. I think you need to write down your questions and work out why you need to ask them. For example (if I'm reading this right) that the reason you want to know why he kept the emails is because you worry they've still been messaging and he's been keeping those messages in a similar way. And then the reason that would bother you is because he might still be emotionally attached or keeping them for sentimental reasons. I am not saying that's what I think is happening, but I think that's what your worry is. Get your questions down. Try to understand your motivations for asking the questions and get those down to, even if they make you feel uncomfortable. Then talk to him about it feeling clearer about how you feel and ask what he thinks.

Yes, these are the questions I have. I mean he keeps admitting that it was wrong. Thanks for the advice x

@frewer

She sounds to me like a real life version of an online scammer.

And he fell for it, he actually gave her money. He's not the brightest, is he?

He is actually very generous - the one who always pays a large chunk of the bill when we go out with friends etc

@MidnightColours

OP, it still doesn't sound like you will or want to let this go. It can't just be all about dissecting your DH's reactions and him making amends (again), when you baited him with several emails after over a year. You need to think deeply about why you did that.

No and he's offered to talk about it as much as the OP wants. Next will come the 'if I hadn't have found out, would you have.....' thing. That goes on for a while.

I hope you find peace OP.

When someone cheats on you, it's hard to get through it, but you either need to decide to let IT go, or let HIM go.

Otherwise, it will just eat away at you for a very long time, and it taints your relationship anyway.

Your little plan kind of worked if he told her to stop contacting him when he replied, so hopefully this should give you what you need to trust him.

But honestly, you shouldn't be thinking about revenge. If that's your thought, leave him.

@MidnightColours What exactly do you think I should do? You obviously choosing to ignore what he did and you are stuck on the emails I sent. He does not care that I sent those emails. He is not angry about them and could understand why i did it. But you obviously are very angry about it. It was not several emails over a year, it was 3 emails over 1 week.

Well done OP!
That's a great update. When I read your thread yesterday it was coming across that you were planning on suffering in silence rather than rocking the boat by admitting how you felt, and that you were so worried about the consequences of your husband finding out that you sent the emails, so I am so happy for you that you discussed this with your husband and were able to get some of it off your chest.

If you still have questions then I would make the time to talk to him about them, the thing is that you have to accept his answers such as if he says that it wouldn't have progressed to a physical affair. If he says no and you don't believe him and can't let it go and it still eats you up inside then I would say you should end the marriage because it will continue to tear you apart.

I don't think the questions about how he knew about the emails and so on are a huge deal...(obviously they are to you though)....I can see why he kept them if he thought they were you, if he deleted them and you confessed they were from you but he had got rid of them then it would seem like he assumed they were actually from her! Also I wouldn't expect him to be angry and outraged like some posters on here...anger and outrage was one possible reaction he could have had, but there was an equal chance he would be calm and ok about it realising that you did it out of desperation to find out the truth.

It sounds to me like he was a total idiot, but that he knows that.

The thing when someone abuses your trust - like he did (I agree with Bluntness, - it sounds like a classic scam by this woman for money, which he stupidly fell for and was emotionally unfaithful in the process) is that it messes with your head and can drive you a bit mad. At some point though you need to decide if you are the sort of person who can live peacefully with uncertainty or not. Because you are never going to 100% know what his feelings were and what the truth is re. this woman. If you eventually decide you can't live with doubt, then for your own mental health I would probably have to end the relationship. Some people can get past an abuse of trust like this, but others can't. There's no right or wrong. But also there's never certainty about anyone in this life - not really. Most of us can live with that to a degree.

I've done some weird, obsessive email stuff in the past myself when I was drinking (recovering now). As you already know, it's a sign you're in a really bad place and need some resolution or outside help to work through things. I think it's like a rock bottom with your obsession with what he did, but that can be a good thing because the only way is up from here, now that it's in the open. Even if your relationship ended, it'd be better than living in this state of turmoil - I promise you. I do think that your marriage is potentially salvageable though. I don't usually vote for counselling on here but actually I think it might work well here. If you and he are both open to it.

How can it be a great update? She’s just had it confirmed her husband is a leacherous twat, there is nothing great about it.

@Bluntness100

How can it be a great update? She’s just had it confirmed her husband is a leacherous twat, there is nothing great about it.

She knew that part already Bluntness.

It's a great update because she spoke up about her spiralling thoughts rather than suffering in silence pretending to her husband that all is well in the marriage living a lie!!!

@user1481840227 Thank you :-)

He just texted me and said let's take things slowly and work through things. He said knowing me I probably have a million questions and that I should ask him whatever I want and not keep it inside again. He said breaking up is not an option and i should not even think about that. He said sorry for not realising i was suffering so much. He has booked tomorrow off and asked if I can have the day off so we can talk when kids are in school.

OP you need to figure out what you want.

What do you want? What's the ideal outcome for you, given you can't change what happened?

Do you want to be happily married and at peace with what happened?
Do you want revenge? Why?
Do you want to leave and move on?

What is it? Until you've figured that out for yourself I think you'll keep stewing on it.

@Helpme20 good to hear that he's taking time off for a chat. I hope it starts the healing process for you

I am sitting at my desk at work crying - I do not know why. I think I should have written this post a long time ago, it has made me reflect on a lot of things. I have been with my husband since I was 16 and I am now 41. I have never been with another man. Never have I been in such a situation. May be he was having a midlife crisis and was flattered with another woman giving him attention. May be he was bored with our mundane life. May be I have my share of responsibility in why he may have looked elsewhere. I love him, always has and always will. But it does not stop the hurt.

The fact he's very generous was probably obvious to her, making him more of a target OP.

@Cavagirl

OP you need to figure out what you want.

What do you want? What's the ideal outcome for you, given you can't change what happened?

Do you want to be happily married and at peace with what happened?
Do you want revenge? Why?
Do you want to leave and move on?

What is it? Until you've figured that out for yourself I think you'll keep stewing on it.

I think the revenge bit has been taken out of proportion on here. Because I did not know what exactly had happened, I kept thinking in my head, thinks like going to their work and telling everyone about them, or telling her family or humiliating her at work by informing her colleagues....I have NEVER acted on any of them. I have never even spoken to her. And I will not, she is irrelevant, my husband made vows to stay faithful to me and she owes me no loyalty, that much I know, but i still hate her!

@frewer

The fact he's very generous was probably obvious to her, making him more of a target OP.

Yes, after I started checking the accounts, I realised how many lunches he bought at work for people. He says some people gave him cash and he paid from his card.

Hmm,. Who was he buying lunch for op?

I’d be concerned this is the tip of the ice berg.

It reads like you’re flattered that he is “going to be honest” .

But he will be honest in far as he feels it is palatable. And no you do not bear part of the responsibility. He didn’t give her five hundred odd quid because he is a generous guy, you know this. He was likely buying her lunches and doing whatever else too, he was giving her money because he thought he had a chance with her.

And deep down you know it. And him making out it was her tempting him with an affair is pure bullshit.

You are always going to have questions, getting answers from the questions you already had we lead to more. It will be very tricky to overcome what happened. You will talk to each other tomorrow and you will feel happy for a couple of week then the thinking will come back. Trust me, I have been in your situation. And I myself have posted on mumsnet for advice and the advice I was given was to leave him, but I never did. I just made excuses for him.
I have just got out of that relationship after 7 years of questioning, overthinking, checking everything with no real answers. Ultimately I stayed with him for our son but I just couldnt live the way I was anymore. So I ended it....and my god do I feel alot happier, yeah its going to be hard that first weekend my little boy goes away but I will get use to it. I wasnt going to live the way I was doing for the next 40 odd years.
It will slowly eat away at you and eventually you will come to a point where nothing he says you believe. You will be questioning every receipt, every glance at his phone, everytime he nips out or says hes still at work...you either need to go to counselling together or get out of the relationship. If you wake up and the past is the first thing you think of with a gut feeling in your stomach its time to make a change.