Paranoid and did a stupid thing

[Helpme20]

About 2 years ago, I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. After lots of arguments etc where he kept saying he basically fcked up but nothing happened (no sex, not even a kiss). He just felt flattered that she paid him attention, complimented him etc and it all started as a good friendship and then got closer. He apologised, left the job and found another job, stopped all contact, blocked her number (after she tried contacting him a few times). Now he has tried very hard and things are great. Hardly any arguments, very involved with kids and me, almost back to pre-affair, except that I cannot let go in my head. I still check his phone, emails and I still want 'revenge' in my head.
Now the stupid thing that I have done. I emailed him pretending to be her and I am scared shitless that he may realise that it was me.
Not sure what am after, just needed a rant and may be some advice or suggestions. Thanks

You're coming off as a possessive, jealous, controling partner who won't allow them to have friends. That's not ok, that's abusive.

@Helpme20

Massive thanks to everyone who has responded - those with comforting words and advice as well as those who think am a husband abuser. I have taken everything on board. I have sent my husband a message to say that I am not feeling great today and would love to have a chat tonight but no pressure. He has responded and asked if it was work. I said no its about us. He called me straight away and I did not answer. I replied and said 'chat tonight, just remember I love you xx'. I sent a text and said 'Busy right now, see you later xx'. I mean his response 'just remember I love you'...weird right?

Hi. I think thats good. BUT I would not tell him that you did the emails. Whats to be gained from that? You know you are wrong. Sometimes secrets are not nice to hold but necessary. You are on a commitment to making this better. You are realising you are both at fault in different ways. Work on communication and try to get through this as a team. Forget about trying to come clean, it will only make it worse.

@HallieKnight looks like mine and your definition of friends are very different...i suppose you are one of those friends who think it's ok to take money and cross boundaries!

@HallieKnight

You're coming off as a possessive, jealous, controling partner who won't allow them to have friends. That's not ok, that's abusive.

Typical Mumsnet over woke comment above ignore this....

God don’t tell him you sent that email! Get yourself help, stop being weird and obsessed and sort yourself out. Your husband hasn’t done anything wrong. He wasn’t having an emotional affair and he then went and switched his whole life around for you! You’re going to lose him if you don’t sort yourself out and fast. Don’t give him anymore emo drama tonight! Just make nice, be affectionate and get yourself therapy. You sound fucked up

[quote Helpme20]@Bluntness100 - am i meant to have this conversation on the phone with him with my colleagues in earshot.[/quote]
Have the conversation at home, in private.

@Jakey056 Thank you 😊. Am really hoping to have an honest conversation although difficult one and get everything off my chest. Let's hope the conversation flows as he is not a big talker. Wish me luck 🙏

Of course it's ok to lend your mates some money...

[quote Helpme20]@Jakey056 Thank you 😊. Am really hoping to have an honest conversation although difficult one and get everything off my chest. Let's hope the conversation flows as he is not a big talker. Wish me luck 🙏[/quote]
Try to be factual. Acknowledge you are both coming with different baggage. You are both different people. Don't ask why? questions. Use 'It seems that' ' Would it be fair to say that' ' I feel that' as opposed to 'You made me feel like' " If you didn't do that then' etc. Keep it open and listen.

“Lend” or “give”? Was the money ever returned?

I think thats good. BUT I would not tell him that you did the emails. Whats to be gained from that? You know you are wrong. Sometimes secrets are not nice to hold but necessary. You are on a commitment to making this better. You are realising you are both at fault in different ways. Work on communication and try to get through this as a team. Forget about trying to come clean, it will only make it worse.*

It's possible he could find out the truth at some point.
There absolutely is something to be gained from honest communication, if anything it will show how much this is still seriously affecting her.

If it were me I'd tell him and say I had done something very stupid and had emailed him pretending to be that woman, I would say I know it was wrong and it was only afterwards when I thought about it that I realised just how bad it was and how it shows just how much the past was still affecting me....clearly A LOT.
I would say I thought part of it was to do with the fact that my feelings weren't dealt with properly at the time and we hadn't spoken about it properly. I would say I was well aware that it was no way to live for either of us and wouldn't ever be doing something stupid like that again and was considering counselling etc. to try to help me move past it....but then I would also express what I needed from him in order to help me more forward.

If he holds it against her then the relationship doesn't have a future really does it?

Op, the point is sending him cryptic messages and avoiding his calls are manipulative and game playing, you didn’t need to send him anything

Just wait till he is home and the kids in bed and have a private chat.

And I do think you should tell him, I don’t think you will but only by being honest and stopping the deceit can you change this. Yes it makes you look weird and controlling, but you need to own it and start afresh, because he may already know you did it. And if not, he may find out.

I don’t think you will though. I would just avoid manipulation, saying you’re still hung up on it and thinking about it. And making him feel bad. That’s not the point of the conversation. If that’s all you’re going to do, then save the poor guy it and don’t bother.

If however you’re going to come clean and explain about the daily obsessing, the revenge need, the emails etc, them it makes it about you. And that you should do.

But if you can’t, and it’s just going to be another way to make the guy feel like shit and turn the screw. Then don’t.

@Helpme20

Massive thanks to everyone who has responded - those with comforting words and advice as well as those who think am a husband abuser. I have taken everything on board. I have sent my husband a message to say that I am not feeling great today and would love to have a chat tonight but no pressure. He has responded and asked if it was work. I said no its about us. He called me straight away and I did not answer. I replied and said 'chat tonight, just remember I love you xx'. I sent a text and said 'Busy right now, see you later xx'. I mean his response 'just remember I love you'...weird right?

So you've disturbed him at work, deliberately landed a load of anxiety on him? He wont have a clue what's coming. Poor fucker. You really do want to see him squirm dont you?

I hope you get it all off your chest and let it go. Rather than analyzing every little thing. If you don't then he needs to leave so you can he can find some happiness elsewhere.. then itll be done.

OP I do think you're getting a hard time.

When you're married or in a relationship you shouldn't do anything with a friend that you have to hide from your partner. That's when things cross over from innocent friendship to emotional affair IMO.

There's a book called not just friends which equates it to being in a room with your partner, the room is your good strong relationship but when your partner is cheating they start opening windows and what was in the room that was just between you is compromised. You have to read it but I hope you get the idea. It's a good read.

FWIW your DH gave money which was half yours away to someone who he had shared texts and emails with which he wouldn't want you to see.

In no way is your shock or hurt you being controlling so please don't worry about that. You've been deceived and lied to, even if it wasn't an outright lie the deliver omission of her name rings alarm bells.

It's fucking hard. Try to set aside a small amount of time every so often in which you can talk openly about it. It's out of bounds the rest of the time or it sneaks in and destroys your everyday life.

Don't do things which you have to lie about though or what he did is making you into the sort of person he was when he was deceiving you.

I too think you're getting a really hard time on here. You're obviously struggling to put it all behind you and I'm not surprised. He shattered your trust but you can't continue the way you are. You're driving yourself demented. If you want to continue in the relationship, then you have some tough choices to make.

Oh and I think disturbing him at work and making him squirm is the least the fucker deserves.

Poor little guy 🙄

My partner is very similar and it's sometimes difficult to have a conversation that flows and it either just gets cut short or ends up not happening at all. I also find it hard not to snowball and get super emotional. It’s hard not to when you’re still hurting.
If you want to explain, then do, but try not to blame him for your mistake. Explain how you have not addressed the issues probably (which I imagine he suspects anyway) and that it’s leading to irrational behaviour. Together you need to find a way out of this. It’s a miserable existence for both of you, but I understand the way your mind jumps to worst possible scenarios, mine is doing the same.
I think honestly is the best policy in this case. A discussion on what you need to heal would be helpful. Though I know it is hard, maybe like me you don’t even know what you need. Hopefully you’ll both come up with a way.

@Helpme20

Your username says a lot really. Have you had any personal counselling regarding this? It is hard to say whether or not this is an emotional affair without going into much greter detail but iether way you viewed it as such, your husband took action and you stayed together.

You mention wanting to get revenge on this woman, to what end? What is it you hope to achieve?

(and yes I have experience of cheating, my ExH left me for another woman)

From reading your posts you seem to have been looking for validation that what you did was ok rather than actually admitting you did something wrong. You mention over and over again that you think it was stupid but go on to defend your actions. You mention that you don't believe gaslighting your husband with false emails is abuse. You then test your husband at work with a deliberately vague message which, as one previous poster rightly pointed out, would make anyone very anxious, and then you question his reply. His repsonse sounds like that of someone who has been on the reciveing end of a lot of accustations. Someone who is used to having conversations with someone who maybe have self esteem issues. By pre empting it with "Remeber I love you" he may be trying to cushion whatever he now thinks he is coming home to. Maybe try reversing the roles and she how it would feel to sit with that message you sent?

I also wonder if you ahve examined why he would seek an emotional affair if that is indeed what it was, because very very rarely is marriage breakdown one sided. I am not condoning aldutery, I am merely saying that I had a lot of self refelction ot do ( in many years of personal therapy) after my exh left. It let me a stronger, more able person.

Good luck

Think long and hard before you tell him you sent the emails.

Do you just want to get it off your chest or do you think it will help you both to move forward together? If it's just about you feeling better please don't do it.

He messed up, then you messed up. It would be a shame to walk away from a long relationship that sounds as though it's got a lot going for it, not to mention your children. But you do need to address some of the underlying issues that have led to your inability to leave what happened in the past.

Plus, from what you've described, you're prone to game-playing and that has to stop if you want a healthy marriage.

Try not to beat yourself up. I think your actions were understandable, if not the right thing to do. Jealousy and insecurity are horrible feelings, and something that must be worked through if possible.
You have a reason to feel the way you do, reading your other posts on this thread it seems like the matter was not properly dealt with at the time.

Thanks everyone.. just to answer a few questions, the money was never returned as far as i know and whether more was given before I would never know. It was going in for about 6 months when I accidentally stumbled upon a text messge. If one of us is driving and we get a message, the other would always say 'oh its x' not necessarily reading it. And then we would say 'what he/she saying'. When i said that day, its a message from... his face kind dropped so i asked 'who is.., never heard that name before'. He said just someone from work. The message actually said 'have a safe flight, speak soon x'. That started it all...
Anyway am home now and feels a bit awkward but normal kids being crazy as usual..will update you guys on the conversation later.

@Helpme20

he has replied to the email and basically said to forget about him and that their friendship was wrong and crossed boundaries and wished her all the best for the future. I responded 2 times and he has ignored both. But he never told me she contacted him again.

You see the problem here? It doesn’t matter what you do to get reassurance and what reassurance you get, it will never be enough. You will keep carrying doubt because the doubt is ultimately self doubt.

I think it was Buddha who said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned” and it seems this is true for you.

She isn’t suffering, and why should she? She may not have behaved in the way you want but she isn’t any more relevant than you chose to make her. Your DH may have got distracted, not ideal but it sounds like he has done what he can to correct it. So what do you want? To drive him away in the direction of what you fear the most? It’s time to concentrate on changing your view of yourself and getting some support to move on before it’s too late so that you can enjoy life and genuinely put it behind you. Why not look into finding a counsellor who you can talk openly to about how you’re feeling. Have a look on the BACP website for qualified counsellors.

@Twinkie01

Oh and I think disturbing him at work and making him squirm is the least the fucker deserves.

Poor little guy 🙄

After 2 years? Do me a favour

The whole thing took 2 years from the time it started..i found out 6 months into this amazing friendship. It is 13 months now that he's in his new job.

Sorry only read part of thread. Proof that infidelity turns you into someone you would rather not be.
Would definitely advise against telling him the emails are from you.