Paranoid and did a stupid thing

[Helpme20]

About 2 years ago, I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. After lots of arguments etc where he kept saying he basically fcked up but nothing happened (no sex, not even a kiss). He just felt flattered that she paid him attention, complimented him etc and it all started as a good friendship and then got closer. He apologised, left the job and found another job, stopped all contact, blocked her number (after she tried contacting him a few times). Now he has tried very hard and things are great. Hardly any arguments, very involved with kids and me, almost back to pre-affair, except that I cannot let go in my head. I still check his phone, emails and I still want 'revenge' in my head.
Now the stupid thing that I have done. I emailed him pretending to be her and I am scared shitless that he may realise that it was me.
Not sure what am after, just needed a rant and may be some advice or suggestions. Thanks

*As for him - I don't have a moment's patience for any narrative about betraying his privacy, double-dealing him, just as bad, etc. Nope. He deserves not to be trusted, and that's exactly what happened here£

No, but after 2 years it's time to shit or get off the pot. This isn't a life and if it doesn't work anymore then at least let the bugger know so he can move on with his life. He doesn't deserve to be baited in traps that he can't win anyway.

@user1481840227 good question and I honestly do not have an answer to that at the moment. I mentioned counselling at the early stages of the 'affair' coming to my attention. He point blank refused because 'there was nothing to talk about, especially not in front of a stranger'. He got quite angry at the mention of counselling and said that I was making a big thing out of nothing as NOTHING Happened..I beg to differ. Since then i never mentioned counselling again.

@gamerchick - I told him very clearly when I found out that if he wasnt happy anymore with me and if he wanted to be with her then he should leave. That I would not put up with his nonsense anymore. But he chose to stay.

What did you say in the two subsequent messages? I think the fact that you still sent two more messages after his response speaks volumes.

He gave her money to send back to her country as her family was in trouble financially

Oh god, not that same old story again

FWIW, OP, I understand where you're coming from; you know emailing him wasn't perhaps the wisest thing to do, but you feel you never had any real answers and now the doubt's getting to you

Instead of avoiding this, what would happen if you simply told him what you've done, explained how upset you still feel and suggested some joint counselling?

Ah, like most people caught being inappropriate he wanted to minimise the whole thing, with little regard for how it all affected you. My guess is he left his job as he realised he'd made a tit of himself giving this woman money and didn't want his colleagues calling him out on it.

there was nothing to talk about, especially not in front of a stranger

Very telling.

Not excusing what you did via email, but more understandable now.

@Naillig222 One of them I said that I was sorry that we did not talk anymore and that i missed our chats
And the second one I said that it hurt my feelings that he was not responding and that i thought he was being an asshole.

Ah, sorry - I see I cross posted with someone else with the same suggestion, so please ignore me

So you want him to be super honest and loyal while you behave how you like ?
Ok.

He probably would get angry and conveniently forget why we are here in the first place and blame me for everything, I know I am to be blamed for this but he shares as much responsibility. I have never doubted him in the 25 years we have been together until this. He has lots of female colleagues more so than men, but i knew this one was different - made more suspicious by his lack of naming her. When talking about work he would mention names, but with her it was always SHE and when I asked who, he would say a work friend, not mention her name.

[quote Helpme20]@Jakey056 yes I did. When I found out about the money, by a text message, after they were supposedly no longer talking (he was still in the previous job working his notice). He kept repeating ' am sorry, I fcked up' no more explanation other than that. Same with the photo that was sent by another of their colleague at a Xmas party....he said 'am sorry, i should have deleted it' then deleted it in front of.[/quote]
Ok. So he is sorry. What do you want him to say? I did it because....?

What if he said 'I did it because I felt so sorry for a financial situation she was in? or " I did it because I wanted her to like me because I have no closeness in my marriage as my wife always judges me and we have no communication' or ' I did it because I wanted to be liked'
Lots of reasons why he might have given money.
Was it his money or your money?

@NoProblem123 have I cheated or been disloyal? Up to this day I havent told anyone about what happened. All our friends and family think the sun shines out of him bum. I have not disrespected him in front of everyone

Sorry, I think you need to get some help.

You state after a lot of arguing he agreed it was an inappropriate friendship. Abused spouses will also say its their fault when they've have a verbal or physical battering and the money thing seems the gesture of a nice (if a bit too trusting) friend. Nothing more. My DP once paid for a woman's train ticket as she had bought off peak rather than peak. He was being kind and I was so proud of him.
Please get help for your insecurities.

It was our money. Everything goes in one account and I earn much more than him so if you want to be petty, it was more likely my money. And what does it matter who's money it was. Is it ok if I start giving money to some random friends because I want to be liked?

You're still hurt and it made you do a ill-advised thing. It's done, just let it go and give yourself a break. When you're in this headspace, you can do some bizarre things. I've been there.

You've seen from his response that he is faithful and doesn't want this woman.

Now you have to work on your own esteem and also unresolved pain with your husband. I wouldn't tell him what you did but I might tell him how shit I still feel, try to talk about it a bit more.

It sounds like you didnt get the closure you needed.

It’s interesting that your thread title is ‘paranoid and done a stupid thing’ but you’ve spent the thread justifying your actions.

You need to move passed this, and if you can’t forgive him then tell him, and go your separate ways.

@baileys6904 - i surely hope that the train ticket did not cost £530. Abused spouses, seriously did you read my post? My husband is anything but abused. I could argue that him agreeing it was inappropriate is because the text messages showed it was beyond a work friendship.

@Helpme20

It was our money. Everything goes in one account and I earn much more than him so if you want to be petty, it was more likely my money. And what does it matter who's money it was. Is it ok if I start giving money to some random friends because I want to be liked?

You're still picking over the bones of this, but with strangers on the internet who are completely external to what happened then or where you are now.

This is a discussion to needed to (or maybe still need to) have with your DH. If he won't discuss it then decide if you want the relationship to continue. If you do, you need to let this go and move on.

Resentment is poisoning you ~ don't let it.

I think you’re getting a hard time on here. I wouldn’t have been happy with the initial situation but he did respond to it appropriately and has made considerable effort with the marriage and now you’re subjecting him to tests. It’s not okay but I think you do recognise that.

He’s responded appropriately and I actually agree with him that I wouldn’t tell my partner about the contact as it would only cause problems and hurt. He told ‘her’ where to go and then ignored her. That’s just fine.

If you want you’re marriage to work you now need to seek counselling to deal with you’re own feelings as he’s done his bit. If you don’t want to deal with your feelings you’ll have to walk away from him.

Your*

I think people are being a little harsh on you here. You obviously had your trust broken and have not managed to get over it, even though your husband has done his best to make up for his mistake.
I have been there and made a fake profile to catch out my ex. He was ringing the fake profile. Ugh. He was abusive to me and deliberately tried to make me jealous throughout our relationship. Im ashamed to say I became someone Im not, a jealous, obsessive person. I too realised this was a crazy thing to do, you are not alone.
Your husband has done everything right following his dalliance with this woman. He obviously cares about your feelings, that is why he didnt tell you about the email.
If I was you, I wouldnt tell him it was you who sent the email. Just leave it alone now, he responded to it appropriately so let it go and dont send any more.
I think you should talk to your husband about your feelings and let him know that you are still experiencing these issues. Im sure he would reassure you. Maybe look at some counselling together.

@NoProblem123 Every single one of my responses I know I fcked up by sending that email so I am not justifying my actions. If people asks questions, I will answer. But it seems you want to call that justifying.

He gave a colleague £530? Wow.

Thank you @pyramidhead. I am sorry you went through something like this as well. Although my husband is not abusive at all, this whole situation has made me an insecure mess.

Dear Helpme20 ...I can understand why you were upset when you first found out about this emotional friendship. It crossed boundaries which can happen when working closely with others. However your dh admitted his mistake and has done everything possible to put things right.
Your emailing was a big mistake because it puts this lady back in his mind when his replies imply that he has left this part of his past behind. Perhaps you will have doubts for a very long time, but it is very important that you manage these doubts well. You can be quietly watchful, but try not to express your doubts about his present behaviour and definitely stop verbalizing reproaches about the past. If you don't ...how can you both move on?

If your husband won't go to marriage counselling with you, then go alone or arrange some other therapy. When this covid stuff is over ensure that you incorporate the kind of fun stuff you always liked together before these problems came along, whether that is meals out, walks, holidays or whatever. Oh ...and be careful who you confide in. Some people get their kicks from other people's marital problems.

No-one can predict the future. If it all kicks off again then you have a problem on your hands ...but try not to destroy the present and the future because of something which happened in the past. Good luck