Paranoid and did a stupid thing

[Helpme20]

About 2 years ago, I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. After lots of arguments etc where he kept saying he basically fcked up but nothing happened (no sex, not even a kiss). He just felt flattered that she paid him attention, complimented him etc and it all started as a good friendship and then got closer. He apologised, left the job and found another job, stopped all contact, blocked her number (after she tried contacting him a few times). Now he has tried very hard and things are great. Hardly any arguments, very involved with kids and me, almost back to pre-affair, except that I cannot let go in my head. I still check his phone, emails and I still want 'revenge' in my head.
Now the stupid thing that I have done. I emailed him pretending to be her and I am scared shitless that he may realise that it was me.
Not sure what am after, just needed a rant and may be some advice or suggestions. Thanks

And if he had told you, would you then have told him it was actually you? If not, you don't really have a leg to stand on from a moral point of view.

I do think you need to get some help with this.

@GuillermoVanHelsing - this was my initial thought. Did he call her and say, why are you emailing me and she didnt have a clue. Did he know her email address and clock that it was not her. ....i have issues i know. We've been together 25 years since we were 16.

This wasn’t even an emotional affair, you were just jealous he was friends with a woman.

He said himself he crossed boundaries. He also gave this woman money.

You are obsessed. he had a friend who happened to be female- are you really that insecure?

doesnt matter what he does/doesnt do, you wont believe him
~ I'd be leaving the marriage NOW- and because of you.

@Jessbow You do realize her husband admitted it was inappropriate and he changed jobs?,it's not just a friendship if you read the OP's posts

@Jessbow - do you think it's acceptable for your husband to give a colleague money and not tell you about it, to be this woman's agony aunt, listen to her problems and advise, complimenting each other bordering on flirting. I have met all of his colleagues /friends and they have come to our house but he never mentioned that woman, that's because he knew it was wrong and he admitted it himself.
Now i know i messed up big time, but i am not imagining things. It was an inappropriate friendship

So now you have a new festering wound in your relationship.

Well done!

It was an inappropriate friendship and also what you've done is wrong. Two years down the line you really shouldn't have such a mess as you've decided to stay. I think maybe talk to someone to help you deal with this as this is no way to live

Op, either you suffer extreme jealousy and obsessive traits and/or you’re very ill. You need to speak to your gp.

This. This is mental. Never mind been together since you were 16, this kind of controlling manipulation and obsession over him having had a friendship with a woman makes it sound like you still are.

'There are no other issues in my marriage but I dont know how to forget this whole thing'

But there are issues in your marriage. This is the symptom not the cause.
Your pattern of attachment requires you to be fully validated all t he time with no slip ups allowed.
You want proof and what else? He has done all he can.

Your biggest issue is communication. Instead of talking to him (maybe with a counsellor together) you now have 'tested' him and that is pretty difficult to keep a secret. You don't trust him still? Why?

You ask these questions:

Why would he give money to another woman without telling me first. Why did he feel the need to have another woman as a confidante etc

Did you ask him these questions?

[quote Helpme20]@Jessbow - do you think it's acceptable for your husband to give a colleague money and not tell you about it, to be this woman's agony aunt, listen to her problems and advise, complimenting each other bordering on flirting. I have met all of his colleagues /friends and they have come to our house but he never mentioned that woman, that's because he knew it was wrong and he admitted it himself.
Now i know i messed up big time, but i am not imagining things. It was an inappropriate friendship[/quote]
I am a man. I have sexual feelings. I like to think about sex. Its nice to be attracted to other people. I am assure if you are a woman it is the same?
The money thing was his big mistake but hey we are all allowed mistakes.

Who made the bigger mistake do you think? You or him?

I think you need councilling op and to talk to a professional about this, you're obviously not dealing with this. Your dh was wrong to do what he did, but you decided to give it another go

@Jakey056 yes I did. When I found out about the money, by a text message, after they were supposedly no longer talking (he was still in the previous job working his notice). He kept repeating ' am sorry, I fcked up' no more explanation other than that. Same with the photo that was sent by another of their colleague at a Xmas party....he said 'am sorry, i should have deleted it' then deleted it in front of.

I think the sensible thing is to come clean, and explain this is how desperate you still feel. There's no shame in admitting to him that you're still struggling . Nobody is perfect; you've had a wobble. It's his turn to catch you , hold you , comfort , reassure and support you through it.

  From the sound of him,   I think he'll step up to the mark  and show you just  how real and strong your bond is.

Thanks @LilyLongJohn - I will contact someone once this lockdown is over and hopefully work through my insecurities

In the kindest possible way you need help.
This isn’t healthy.

Thanks @2bazookas I am taking on board the advice I am getting on here.

He broke your trust and it is still affecting you and I can understand why. Sometimes, things like that can't ever be fixed and you can't help how you feel.

@Helpme20

he has replied to the email and basically said to forget about him and that their friendship was wrong and crossed boundaries and wished her all the best for the future. I responded 2 times and he has ignored both. But he never told me she contacted him again.

You really really need to leave this alone now. You are heading into seriously odd behaviour. Let it go. Honestly.

@LimpidPools - it wasn't JUST a friendship though was it. It was inappropriate friendship that crossed boundaries.

It’s all going round in your head, and I bet Lockdown is making things worse because you have fewer distractions.

There’s good bees here, though — firstly, he’s done all the right things and secondly, counselling is available and will help you a LOT.

Just book counselling. You can do it online. It’ll help.

*news! Not bees 🐝

😆

Any moral high ground you had is gone.

wtf? Err, no. She didn't start her own affair in revenge so nope. He harmed her, deliberately. She has not harmed him. Disrespected him? Ha fucking ha - he deserves respect, does he? Hilarious.

OP you're clearly really not through this. Yep a stupid thing to do. But understandable from the point of view of being still in that impotent fury of not knowing if you can rely on what your eyes are telling you. Or is it stupid, actually? You've certainly managed to gain some information which is of benefit to you... and him, possibly, in that presumably you now trust him to behave with honour re contact. With telling you and full disclosure - not so much. I am sure that knowledge is power.

BUT - you now need to deal with yourself, and how you feel, and move on properly either way. This isn't a great spot to stick in.

As for him - I don't have a moment's patience for any narrative about betraying his privacy, double-dealing him, just as bad, etc. Nope. He deserves not to be trusted, and that's exactly what happened here.

Honestly OP the relationship doesn't stand a chance if you can't discuss things like this with your husband and instead resort to traps.
You said you're scared shitless he might realise that it's you that emailed...but you also said that you never really dealt with your feelings and your husband isn't a talker.

Why not just come clean about it and say you think it happened because you never discussed it properly at the time? This is no way to live and you're not going to heal and move on if you can't discuss this with your husband. You said you're going to consider counselling or something after lockdown to discuss your insecurities, would you be hiding that from your husband too because you want him to believe that you're over it?

Thanks @YoniAndGuy I really appreciate you seeing where I was coming from. It felt like i needed some sort of validation. However I am aware that i may have well Fcked up big time. If he find out it was me, who knows how this will play out.
I have not been on that email since last week and I will not (although I am dying to).
p.S - what drove me to do that is that a mutual friend of ours said to me 'he probably just stayed for the kids, the friendship may well have progressed further if you hadnt caught him in time' This to this day still plays on my mind.