Paranoid and did a stupid thing

[Helpme20]

About 2 years ago, I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. After lots of arguments etc where he kept saying he basically fcked up but nothing happened (no sex, not even a kiss). He just felt flattered that she paid him attention, complimented him etc and it all started as a good friendship and then got closer. He apologised, left the job and found another job, stopped all contact, blocked her number (after she tried contacting him a few times). Now he has tried very hard and things are great. Hardly any arguments, very involved with kids and me, almost back to pre-affair, except that I cannot let go in my head. I still check his phone, emails and I still want 'revenge' in my head.
Now the stupid thing that I have done. I emailed him pretending to be her and I am scared shitless that he may realise that it was me.
Not sure what am after, just needed a rant and may be some advice or suggestions. Thanks

That doesn't make it sound better. He has no clue whatsoever unless you bang on about this often. He's probably sitting worrying you're ill or something. It's cruel but I hope it's satisfying you greatly.

Head games have no place in a healthy relationship.

I'm inclined to say that you are terribly insecure that he doesn't 'really' love you as much as you love him.
Or that for some reason, you are looking for a chance to RUIN your marriage to a good and decent man - by being so ridiculous that he will be forced to leave?
Were you in any way abandoned or unwanted as a child? Have you ever sought counselling for this?
People do get crushes and find others attractive but from what you've said I wouldn't really call this an emotional affair. He's done the right things.
How about actually looking for some new ways to add emotional closeness and fun and bonding in your relationship with him? Research that instead of obsessively thinking that he'd prefer someone else to you.

When you're married or in a relationship you shouldn't do anything with a friend that you have to hide from your partner. That's when things cross over from innocent friendship to emotional affair IMO

This assumes you’re not married to someone who is jealous insecure and controlling right?

There is absolutely no possible way that if you tell him you sent the email that this has a happy outcome. If I were him,and found that out, I would be crushed, especially since I didn't rise to the bait because I realised how much I'd hurt my wife initially. I would never trust you again and without trust you can't g have a good marriage.

@CannibalQueen

There is absolutely no possible way that if you tell him you sent the email that this has a happy outcome. If I were him,and found that out, I would be crushed, especially since I didn't rise to the bait because I realised how much I'd hurt my wife initially. I would never trust you again and without trust you can't g have a good marriage.

Ha ha, so you're telling her to lie about what she did, so he will still trust her after she did something untrustworthy.

Can you see the contradiction there?

@CannibalQueen

There is absolutely no possible way that if you tell him you sent the email that this has a happy outcome. If I were him,and found that out, I would be crushed, especially since I didn't rise to the bait because I realised how much I'd hurt my wife initially. I would never trust you again and without trust you can't g have a good marriage.

They don't have a good marriage then do they? Because she has not shown trust in him and has done something that would stop him trusting her... if OP's feelings are this raw this long after what really wasn't that dramatic an indiscretion then it would be much healthier for both of them to walk away and move on from each other. She is making herself unwell in a constant state of high alert two years after what was an inappropriate relationship but not an affair that progressed. She is behaving in an incredibly manipulative and obsessive way and I don't think she will tell him the truth anyway.

He can't win. He said just remember I love you - when she messaged him out of the blue saying they need to have a talk even though she didn't need to say it during the working day and cause him to worry. I think that's a nice, kind and caring response from him. She's called it weird on here, which implies she's very keen to paint him as a 'baddie'. This is way past repairing.

@Bluntness100

When you're married or in a relationship you shouldn't do anything with a friend that you have to hide from your partner. That's when things cross over from innocent friendship to emotional affair IMO

This assumes you’re not married to someone who is jealous insecure and controlling right?

No, it assumes you’re married to someone who understands boundaries, independent lives being committed to each other, and transparency—which you have mentioned repeatedly—

@Helpme20

Massive thanks to everyone who has responded - those with comforting words and advice as well as those who think am a husband abuser. I have taken everything on board. I have sent my husband a message to say that I am not feeling great today and would love to have a chat tonight but no pressure. He has responded and asked if it was work. I said no its about us. He called me straight away and I did not answer. I replied and said 'chat tonight, just remember I love you xx'. I sent a text and said 'Busy right now, see you later xx'. I mean his response 'just remember I love you'...weird right?

The not answering him and the short text after was designed to unsettle him and make him worry. You know exactly what you’re doing, stop acting like a poor little victim.

I feel sorry for him being in a marriage like this.

Aw, OP, I can see why you are doing all this. When he got involved with that woman, you felt you'd lost his interest in you. Another woman was able to gain his attention. You want it back, and you are trying anything to get... what? The upper hand, some control? I don't mean that negatively, honestly. I can understand why you feel how you do.

He did not choose her, ok? He wants to be with you. I think maybe you could have some counselling, by yourself? Not because you are in the wrong, but because this is affecting you. Perhaps you could open up to your counsellor without fear of feeling you have to admit to your husband how you are feeling. I hate admitting feeling insecure, maybe you wouldn't mind - so ignore if you would like counselling as a couple.

They trust broke. It's a horrible place to be because u become a prisoner of ur own thoughts. All the what ifs in ur head encase he's cheating u just want some sort of proof if he will do it again or not so u can trust him.
I'd communicate maybe sobering like counselling to address ur trust issues

Do you trust and want him, or do you just want him to want you? (To win?)

Why would you message him at work, just to tell him you wanted to talk tonight but not why or what, it is just trying to get him agitated.
If you don't trust him still, you both need to work on that, but not by trying to sabotage him or trip him up. You felt betrayed by him being sneaky (to your view) and now you do the same. Not healthy.

Don't tell him. It will be hard to ever have HIS trust back.

This is something in your response that you should have dealt with privately, I think

I hope you're ok. You've gone quiet.

Strange that it's not juts me sayigg you're behaviour and attitude is abusive.
At the moment you are manipulating him, and I completely understand why. I get that you are insecure and unhappy and feel betrayed. I understand it but don't agree that he has given you reason to be. And yes it wasnt far off 500 quid, peak train travel the length of the country. And she was younger than me, probs a good 10-15 years. It didn't bother me.
Which is why I think you deserve individual counselling, whatever the outcome of your talk. You deserve to feel valued and worth it and secure. Your husband sounds like he loves the bones of you, hates that he upset you, and is walking over coals to make it right. That doesn't mean he did anything wrong, it means he will do anything to make you feel happier. That's a strong power to have over someone, hence why manipulation keeps being thrown into posts.
Please get some help, you deserve to see in yourself what he does. And if it doesn't work out for you, you deserve to be able to move on and learn from the your experiences

Morning everyone..am still here, getting the children sorted for school. Will update later.

Sounds like the relationship has run it's course. He's never going to be able to satisfy your need to be in control of everything he does. He replied to your email saying to leave him alone and that's still not enough. He was friends with her, didn't have any sexual contact and when you said you were uncomfortable with his friendship he ended it. What's he actually done wrong?!

You being paranoid is understandable. Laying multiple traps for him is not. Get some help.

*The not answering him and the short text after was designed to unsettle him and make him worry. You know exactly what you’re doing, stop acting like a poor little victim.

I feel sorry for him being in a marriage like this.*

Just read the second page and agree with this. Fuck me. I hope he leaves you when he finds out what you're doing.

OP, having read all your posts, it sounds like controlling and disrespecting your DH has become so routine you are unable to even consider that it is what you are doing, despite several posts trying to explain this to you. Are you disregarding that feedback - and even some saying you are an abuser - because it sounds so outlandish you can ignore it?
In summary: you are a woman in her late 30s/early 40s who has never questioned herself and how she treats her spouse. Said spouse might walk on eggshells all the time, his instinctive response is to apologise, but that's never enough. Nothing he does will ever satisfy you, OP, there is no sense of kindness or love for your DH. Even when he says "I love you" in response to your ominous texts, you think it's "weird".
The only glimpse of self-awareness is that you might sense your latest antics might break the camel's back (not just one email, but 3 emails to bait him after over a year, and then those texts out of the blue to make him miserable and on the defensive before you've even voiced the grievances he thinks might be coming his way).
Is your plan to "expose" him to friends and family is he fights back?

Thank you everyone for your opinions and advice. My initial post was about how stupid I’ve been with sending those emails not whether my husband had an emotional affair or not. It is very hard to put all details in a post. Saying that, I am aware that people have different boundaries in their marriage/relationship, some people have open marriages, who am I to judge. People just throw words like coercive, manipulative so easily these days. To me, what he did was wrong and I maintain that. What I did was very wrong as well, I never pretended otherwise. But it is also nice to see that there are so many perfect people in perfect relationships out there, never making a mistake, well done you!

Op rather than just dismissing people's opinions, why on earth don't you listen and reflect.

With the greatest of respect, you need to get some help. If not for this relationship, for yourself and your next relationship. You will never be happy the way you're continuing

It’s fucked up that you want revenge on her when he’s the one who betrayed you.

I think you should come clean to him, explain you’re still struggling with trust, and maybe consider some couples counselling to see if you can get back to a better place.

I had a long chat with my husband, we talked till 1 in the morning. I told him about me checking his phones, checking his emails and still thinking about what happened and how it affects me. He said that that he didn’t realise that it has affected me that much. He knew in the beginning I was crying at night but he thought it was dealt with as I never bring it up or fight about it and our life is back to normal. He also knows I have been checking his phone but he says he doesn’t mind as he had done something that made me feel I had to do this and that he hoped with time I wouldn’t feel the need to do that anymore. I told him I just need to know what happened as we never talked about it. Here goes:
They were just colleagues to begin with, then they got closer and there was lots of banter. She then had a bad break up with her partner and he was her shoulder to cry on. He said they became very close as in sharing things with each other. He said he knew it was not right but not wrong either as it was just harmless flirting on both sides. She made him feel good and flattered. When I found the first text and hit the roof, he told her about it, and they agreed to not text when he is home. That’s when he started deleting her texts. Again he apparently knew it was not right but since he was not sleeping with her or any physical touching, it was not an affair. He gave her the money. She in fact wanted £1000 but he gave her £530. It was never returned as he gave it to her. When I again found out about the money, he told her that he they had to stop as he’d promised me this will end. She said that she had feelings for him. She didn’t want him to leave his wife or kids but she didn’t want him to leave her either. Basically was happy to have an affair. He said that’s when he realised how complicated it had become and that it was wrong. That’s when he started looking for another job. During his notice, they texted and he deleted it before coming home. She texted a few times after he left and he replied out of politeness but made sure that she knew nothing would happen. Then she sent some pics etc and he blocked her number.
He said in hindsight he knew it was wrong from the beginning. I asked how would he feel if I did that now, he said he would be devastated and very hurt. He said he never realised how much he had hurt me and he is sorry for refusing to talk about it before but he was ashamed and embarrassed.
I then told him about the emails. He said he understands, his reaction was almost as if he already knew it was me. He wasn’t half as outraged as some people have been on this post. He still had the emails, it was archived. I am obviously not as good at checking as I thought I was. I told him about this post and how the majority think that our marriage is dead and it is best that we walk away from each other. He said he would do everything to fix this and he cannot lose me or the kids. He had tears. He is sorry that it is still on my mind and that I do not trust him but he understands why I did it. He said we will talk as much as I need to, everyday if we have to but we will get through this, he will make sure and prove that I can trust him again. I said sorry about sending the emails and the checking of the phone etc and he said it was nothing compared to what he put me through and he deserved it but will now let his actions prove that he is the same I married. I love my husband, if not I would have walked away from him when it happened. It not as if I have to stay with him as I am dependent on him or anything. I stayed because I love him and my children.

Sorry to hear that you've been through this and how raw this is for you. I'm glad he gave you some answers. How do you feel about what he's said? Did you know previously that there had been that level of contact?

@crackingcrackers I didn't know all these details. But I knew it was more than just friends, gut or woman's instinct. I never had the whole story, that's why I kept making up possibilities in my head. To be honest, I find what he did wrong on so many levels. He knows it was wrong but hid behind 'it was not sexual so not an affair' and would not be happy if I did it. Me saying I want revenge is in my head, i make up these scenarios, where I go and see her etc but I have never spoken to the woman.

Of course you tried to fill in the blanks. I think that having more details can be more of a relief, a sort of litmus test for how uneasy/suspicious you felt. Then you can start to trust yourself again and then hopefully him. And I'd feel the same about revenge fantasies, she was actively pursuing an affair with your husband and indirectly hurting you. Obviously would never act on them. How do you think you want to move forward?