Help please ladies, mental abuse and narcissist behaviour.

[Christmashappy]

Hi ladies
I hope this is the last time I post on here about this man.
I am at an all time low.
I have left my narcissist 3 times this year.
The last time was for good, I told my family, my ex(kids dad).
I was truly done with him, on top of the mental abuse, there had been sexting of videos for a 3 year period.
He managed to reel me back in, I know this is on me.
No one knows we are in the relationship, he is still awful.
I feel like I have no self confidence left and I am just skimming over life.
One minute I feel so strong and happy then he pulls the rug and I am weak.
I think he is a sociopath.
I hate myself for worrying about being on my own, I was so convinced he was the one. Especially after a messy divorce.
X

I hate it when I read these posts about disgusting men who railroad women into thinking they are a lesser form of life.

Staying with somebody like this only makes them worse and you weaker and also makes you think you can't manage without them when you so can

@Anordinarymum
Thanks for the reply.
I honestly never have felt this anxious or weak before.
Everytime I think he has done his worst to me, something else happens.

What are you hoping for by posting?

@user19423546852
Some support and to hear other women's experience of this ie how they get on once they are out of it.
I find posting and talking on here really helps.

If you don't mind me asking, how older are you, and do you have children with him? Please understand that none of those questions are designed to shame you in any way. I'm just trying to tailor my advice

@SuckingDownDarjeeling
I am 39. I have two children from my marriage, no children with him

When my husband finally left it was a relief. No more putting up with the horrible atmosphere in the house. No more arguing, no more being told I was old and ugly, no more being told everything I did was wrong. No more sleep derivation/being kicked down the stairs. No more silent treatment. No more shouting,

We managed fine. Yes he left me in debt, and the house was a mess, but that was a small rice to pay for peace and seeing my children happy

You have no children - you don't need ever to see or hear from him again. Leave without a forwarding address - change your number - obliterate everything connected with him and make him a non-person.
He can't reel you back in if he can't find you. Don't give your new address/number to anyone who might be tempted to pass it on. If you want him out of your life, you can do it. If any man is better than no man - well, you know what you're letting yourself for.

@Christmashappy thank you

I honestly believe that your fears are rooted in your self-esteem. You may be thinking that he will just walk away and not look back, not fight for you, leaving you feeling worthless.

I'm not a hypocrite, so I can't tell you what to do when I'm basically in the same boat.

All I know is that for the past few months, I've realised I haven't needed DH for anything. I've always found a way to do it on my own terms. After months of that, he's begun to just feel like a dead weight that I have to shift. So please, for now, don't focus on 'how stupid you are' for staying. Just take each day at a time, think about the things you'd 'miss' and then do them alone. Chances are he's already made you feel like you're worthless and you'll never meet anybody else. That's his insecurity talking, trying to bully you into staying. But I'm pretty certain that if you think about it, you'd rather be without him for the rest of your life than with him during a miserable life.

I hope that makes sense

@Anordinarymum
Are you okay now?
I have never experienced anything like this in my life. I thought I was stronger than this.
It sounds like you had an awful experience , I am glad you are out x

@SuckingDownDarjeeling
Thanks for your reply.
You are right, he has made me feel worthless.
The whole sexting thing haunts me, the videos were weird and when he was sending them I was head over heels and he seemed happy too.
Thank you so much for your advice
I hope you are okay
Are you still in the relationship x

@katy1213
Thank you for your advice.
That has been the problem before we always stay friends and before I know it we are back together.
What I can't understand is the fact he acts like it is over and he doesn't want me then when I finish things he wants me to stay. It is so confusing.

You aren't leaving him OP, so you may as well come to terms with it. Just try to protect your children. Look 10 years down the line and think how they'll be with you. No point analysing it really. You do what you do, he does what he does, you both know it. It's purely your DC to consider now. Tell us about them. How are they coping.

@SuckingDownDarjeeling
You were also right about worrying he won't put up a fight.
He wouldn't and that hurts.
What I can't get my head round is the constant reeling me back and then acting like he does not want me.

I meant to ask, can the DC's dad have them full-time? Is his life stable? This isn't the time to be selfish and say 'but I love them and want them with me'.

@DianaT1969
Morning.
I need to leave him. I come on here to get clarity on the situation, I know that sounds silly but day to day he can be normal and I have come to accept what this situation is as normal and I sometimes need to talk to see it isn't.
Everyone apart from a couple of close friends think that it is over so I don't have anyone to confide in.
We don't live together so they are not overly involved with him.
And I know this should make it so much easier.
I feel like my life has fallen into a really bad pattern and I don't feel myself at all .

This is bound to start affecting your kids OP

How old are they if you don't mind me asking? X

@DianaT1969
His life is stable. The kids don't see much of the narc as we don't live together.

@Acdcccc
I totally agree with you they are 8 and 9.
That is why I come on here, for the truth.
4 years of mental abuse takes its toll and right now I am not thinking straight at all.

@DianaT1969
That isn't helpful at all.
4 years of mental abuse takes its toll and leaves a person in a place that isn't where they would normally be.
I came on here for support not to be diagnosed as having a personality disorder.

You do t have a personality disorder, you have low self esteem. He reels you back in because he knows he can, he doesn't love you or respect you. He does it to prove he can and to show how under his control you are. The only way to break free is to go no contact. You need to block him on everything to do with social media. Block his number and then delete his number. You will be used to the highs and lows of this relationship, so you will suffer withdrawal from not being in contact but it will pass, after a few weeks you will start to feel much better. It's not easy to break away from a narc, but it is possible. I've done it, and it was a very painful experience, but now I'm so much happier!
You should also do a self referral for counselling. Big hugs, you can do this!

You don't

It's an addiction. You wouldn't expect a drug addict to just be able to stop taking drugs cold turkey and move on. You are relapsing. Putting him in front of other things in your life even though you know he's bad for you.

As someone who has done exactly what you have multiple times, the only way I moved on was to have therapy. I had it weekly to extract myself from the relationship (for the 5th time) and then after to remain away from my ex. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I can't even explain the power someone so awful had over me.

I am not great at being single either and what helped when I did end it the last time, was to have an arrangement with a bloke who knew my circumstance and just wanted a casual set up. It fed my need for attention and sex without hurting anyone.
Also ended up building my self-esteem somewhat.

OP, I ask the question because of your posts. Not diagnosing you. Your opening post particularly. I have worked with vulnerable women.