Help please ladies, mental abuse and narcissist behaviour.

[Christmashappy]

Hi ladies
I hope this is the last time I post on here about this man.
I am at an all time low.
I have left my narcissist 3 times this year.
The last time was for good, I told my family, my ex(kids dad).
I was truly done with him, on top of the mental abuse, there had been sexting of videos for a 3 year period.
He managed to reel me back in, I know this is on me.
No one knows we are in the relationship, he is still awful.
I feel like I have no self confidence left and I am just skimming over life.
One minute I feel so strong and happy then he pulls the rug and I am weak.
I think he is a sociopath.
I hate myself for worrying about being on my own, I was so convinced he was the one. Especially after a messy divorce.
X

@littlebirdieblue
Thanks for your reply, really appreciate it.
My self esteem has gone never been confident but I just feel really down just now.
I am a bit naive and never realised that someone could be like this.
How long did it take you to get away?

@DianaT1969
Sorry, can't help but take some things the wrong way.
I definitely don't enjoy drama, no one knows we are together apart from a couple of close friends.
And I try and avoid the drama but he works on me until he breaks me.

I think (if a therapist hasn't already done it with you) gaining self-awareness of your motives for having him in your life (what do you get from him, what are your fears etc) is the basic tool for making change. Wishing you the best of luck.

We were together for just over a year. I met him 2 years after leaving my ex husband. I left him many times in that year, but it's now been over a year since the last time. But I really did have to block him everywhere! You can do this, it's not easy, it really is like an addiction as another pp said. But you can do it, it will be hard but I promise you you will feel so much better eventually.

@pickingupnow
Thanks so much for your reply.
That is exactly what it is like, he has a power over me that I can not explain.
I know what he does is wrong but I am numb to it.
This would be my fifth attempt at ending it too.
I know deep down I need time to be on my own but just don't feel ready to make the jump.

@littlebirdieblue
This is the first relationship since my divorce too.
Thanks for sharing this with me, it does help a lot.

@DianaT1969
Thanks:).
Sounds silly but I know its wrong and I can see its wrong but I have just started to numb everything out and I know that can't continue.
It is no way to live.

It was my first relationship too after a 20 year verbally abusive marriage. I didn't have good boundaries but I've been working on them since him and I'm in a much better place now.

@littlebirdieblue
Sorry to hear that. I definitely need to work on my boundaries.
Thanks again, knowing its not just me really helps.
My friend who i can talk to openly admits she can't help as she doesn't understand.

It's good to talk about it. It's also good to read too. I read lots about narcissism and trauma bonding. It really helped me understand what was happening. Counselling is a must too.

@littlebirdieblue
Thanks.
I will look into the counselling. I had 5 months of work before and attended different sessions. Each time I came back from them he said I was in a mood or acting weird. X

Narcs work by manipulating your feelings to get what they want which is to constantly feed their ego and sense of entitlement to be the focus of your attention. Your feelings will never matter to them apart from in relation to you fulfilling their need to monopolise your attention and ensure you continue to feed their ego and when you don’t act how they want they use your feelings and emotions to punish you and keep you feeling confused, unsettled and unhappy. When he reels you back in he will do this by emulating the man he knows you are desperate to believe he is. He will act like the perfect man and you will feel that he has come back to you and you will start to believe that you’ve judged him wrongly and you will probably second guess everything that’s happened before and no doubt he will be very interested in hearing about any theories you have that have him centrefold as misjudged and you as somehow not understanding him properly and causing him hurt and suffering. Then once you’re reeled In enough that he’s sure you’ll not leave him easily he will pull that rug out on you again and have been more excuses thaplace you in the blame and he will know what to say to make you believe you are to blame and that his suffering is because of your lack of care. Leave him as there is no happiness to be had with him and only pain and blame xxx

[quote Christmashappy]@littlebirdieblue
Thanks for your reply, really appreciate it.
My self esteem has gone never been confident but I just feel really down just now.
I am a bit naive and never realised that someone could be like this.
How long did it take you to get away?[/quote]
You didn’t believe people could be like this because you could never be like that to anybody and that wasn’t naivety (try to be kind to yourself and avoid self blame like calling yourself naive because it adds to the low esteem and can make recovery much harder and it’s already hard enough as it is after going through experiences like you are) it was faith in the natural goodness in people and it is this good nature that these people use to their own advantage because of a weakness in them, not a weakness in you xxxx

It is so, so good without them.

I have never experienced anything like this in my life. I thought I was stronger than this

You are stronger than this. But with somebody deliberately trying to erode your self esteem, and you letting them, it's a similar situation to someone with a broken leg saying 'I thought I could run faster than this.'

What makes you feel stronger? Time with friends/people who love you? Looking after yourself (eating well/exercising)? Time alone? Do whatever is more often, and spend less time with him.

Does anybody else make you feel weak like he does?

I think if you truly knew what he was, knew what a narcissist was...he wouldnt be able to reel you back.

He hates you, you know. And he means you harm. Believe it.

It might help to learn as much as possible about narcissists. And also their hoovering tactics (how they reel ppl back in).

There are some good youtubers on the subject. I'd suggest melanie tonia evans. She also does one on npd hoovering. Knowledge is power.

@Mbhatescf123
Thanks for explaining all of this to me.
It makes so much sense.
I can't help blaming myself.
It makes me doubt everything, like how could I have been so stupid to believe him or continue in this relationship when I know what he is like.
He is always the victim, ex wife old girlfriends. Always in the wrong, always the victim.
Living the way he does sounds so tiring when I see it like this.x

@OhioOhioOhio
That made me smile

@Eckhart
Hi
Looking after myself makes me feel better , at the moment I am not doing this.
Its weird I can be in the best of moods and feel full of energy and I can feel the energy drain when I am with him.
I am so unfir and overweight just now.. adding to the self esteem issue . X

@Bunnymumy
That is what worries me, I do know but I have got so used to ignoring it and pushing it to the side.
I believe he does hate me.
The bit that confuses me about that is why does he want to stay in the relationship if he hates me .
I will watch the vidoes.
How on earth can individuals invest their energy in this?
It is so so tiring thinking about it x

Because his sort get supply from stepping on people. Think of him.as a playground bully.

He doesnt want a relationship with you, he wants a victim on tap.

@Bunnymumy
He ticks every box for the narcasstic behaviour. Every single one.
Everytime I am happy he sucks not right back out of me x

Do not stay friends, it's just a weak excuse to stay in contact. He is not your friend, a friend wouldn't be so horrible to you.
Be rid of him, feel the great weight lift as you start to enjoy the freedoms that will come your way.

@cupboardmonster
Thanks.
That is what runs through my head on a daily basis.
A friend would not be so cruel.
Thanks for the support x

Can you take a walk each day, OP? Just that. To get started and feel like you are a) moving towards solving the issue, b) spending some time away from him and c) getting a bit of exercise, so you'll be improving your fitness.

For me, one step was enough. Self care snowballed from there, and within a couple of months I was living in a new area, with a new job, and making new friends/getting in touch with old ones.

You have to focus on you. A big thing for me was recognising that I could NEVER understand narcissistic behaviour. And that's because I have a healthy mind, not a disordered one. It is healthy to not understand. He stays with you because abusing you feeds his ego. That's all you need to know. By abusing you, he is looking after himself. You need to look after you.