Help please ladies, mental abuse and narcissist behaviour.

[Christmashappy]

Hi ladies
I hope this is the last time I post on here about this man.
I am at an all time low.
I have left my narcissist 3 times this year.
The last time was for good, I told my family, my ex(kids dad).
I was truly done with him, on top of the mental abuse, there had been sexting of videos for a 3 year period.
He managed to reel me back in, I know this is on me.
No one knows we are in the relationship, he is still awful.
I feel like I have no self confidence left and I am just skimming over life.
One minute I feel so strong and happy then he pulls the rug and I am weak.
I think he is a sociopath.
I hate myself for worrying about being on my own, I was so convinced he was the one. Especially after a messy divorce.
X

Consider telling your family and friends, you need support IRL too

@Eckhart
The only other thing he does is talk about plans for the future. Trips etc.
So one minute things are over the next he is making plans.
He said we were truly over the last time I agreed then he wanted me back.
It is beyond confusing.

@katy1213
That sounds so good.
No one sitting in the huff or creating an atmosphere.
One boy and one girl.
My boy is 9 and can see his behaviour is wrong.
He isn't here much anymore but i know I need him completely out of my life.

It's less confusing (although tough to get your heart around) when you understand that the reason he wants to be with you is because he wants to make you feel horrible.

I say 'get you heart around' because when this happened to me, the understanding came first, but it took ages for my heart to catch on.

@Eckhart
I am going to write things down.
I am so exhausted by it all.
It frightens me that there are people that are so twisted in the world. Scares me more that I have invested so much time in him.

I haven’t ready all the pages but I just wanted to give you a hug and suggest you try looking into the freedom programme. It’s abuse and the cycle needs to be broken but you need some support lovely to do it. Stay strong and get some help xx

It frightens me that there are people that are so twisted in the world. Scares me more that I have invested so much time in him

I totally get this. It's horrifying that people can be this way. Cluster B personality disorders... they're like a different species. Look human, sound human, but have a completely alien set of motivations. That's why you'll never understand; your brain isn't disordered. The time you have spent with him has taught you, and continues to teach you, one of the most valuable lessons, and you can pass it on to your kids: don't let anybody disrespect your boundaries. Once you are through this and have got yourself sorted, you'll realise this was not time wasted. Just a long, hard, valuable lesson.

One minute I feel so strong and happy then he pulls the rug and I am weak

Can you explain this please OP?

@Closetbeanmuncher
I get everything straight in my head concentrate on myself and the kids. Start eating healthy and exercising and he chips away at me.
Its hard to explain but he drains me x

@Eckhart
It has been a long long lesson.
Wish I could fast forward the next part. X

@Teesstar
Thank you so much x

The next part is now, OP. The realisation, and the building and building of your stronger self.

Can you get a break and go away for a few days? Stay with relatives or something? You sound exhausted. It is exhausting.

@Eckhart
I am exhausted.
Sounds silly but I have joined an online slimming club and have given myself 4 weeks to detach from him.
Live my life for me.
In that 4 weeks I might finish things with him before that time is up bit definitely before that.
That might sound silly but I feel like I am dealing with too much at once and just now that plan feels right .
Does that sound silly x

Validation from others is what you need to break free from. Even if everybody in the world thought you sounded silly, this is all that matters:

Live my life for me

Nobody can argue with that. You do what you want, when you want.

@Eckhart
Thank you. It is just such a horrible situation.
My head is well and truly mucked up.
To add to it I think he could possibly be bisexual.
Each to their own but a big secret in a relationship x

I get everything straight in my head concentrate on myself and the kids. Start eating healthy and exercising and he chips away at me.
Its hard to explain but he drains me

No I totally get it, my DCs dad was like this. It's because while you're in distress it's easier for him to get away with things and get inside your head. He keeps your self esteem low and your life in a state of chaos because it gives him the power and control he needs over you.

I know it will be difficult for you but the only way to be free is to completely excise him from your life. You know what he is and you know you can't be friends without him damaging you.
Would you sleep with a poisonous snake in your bed and 'hope' it doesn't bite you??

Unfortunately I have to be in contact with my narc ad he's dcs father but one thing I can tell you with 100% truth is that they never change. It's the same old shit with him 9 years on, trying to mess about with contact days, verbal abuse out of thin air, slithering out of maintenence. The thing is now I don't have to deal with the imbacile and his antics day to day, and if he gets on my tits that much I just block the number.

The fact is that your head will never have a chance of being straight until he's out of your life. He has no place in your life and is no way fit to parent your DC, so there is no future in it.

Think of it as a clean slate to transform your life and get to where you want to be. A couple months of pain is nothing for a lifetime of freedom and happiness.

Forget what your anxiety says and use your LOGIC.

@Closetbeanmuncher
Thank you for that.
Today has been so much easier talking to people who understand.
Sounds silly but I think I have dealt with some of the pain already, we used to practically live together but now only spend a few nights together.

I wouldn't trust him with a goldfish never mind my kids.
I have no idea how someone can use so much energy being a complete tool.
He ticks every box.
A divorce and then this. Definitely need time on my own with my kids xxx

I think your first job is to train yourself out of feeling that everything you say is silly.

I don't know you, but you've said it several times already on the thread, and I've not seen you say one silly thing yet. Far from it. You're talking sense and starting to see what's been going wrong in your life. You're thinking about ways of moving forward and moving on.

Your feelings are valid. Voicing them is valid. Feelings are never silly. They have to be respected and understood (by the person feeling them). Sometimes they're not convenient, but that doesn't make them any less real or worthy.

@Eckhart
Thanks, i never even noticed that i was doing this.
I am beyond worn down by this, I hate that he has altered my life in this way.
I need to change it.
I really appreciate the support, it has totally changed my day x

Thats a horrible situation to be in OP, he is totally in control and messing with your head. Staying friends is not possible - he is not your friend he is using you only for his own gain. I agree with the no-contact but it is so hard, I know believe me, it is definitely like a withdrawal as your brain is so twisted to 'need' the other person. So - you take it one day at a time, write tons of emails you never send, when you think of something you want to share with them remind yourself they dont care what you think, they really dont they only care about themselves. Every time you do this you retrain your brain to be yours again not theirs. And it takes way longer than you expect so be patient. Find something that will replace the addiction - ie exercise, forums for support and learning from others, a hobby etc etc. And counselling or medication if you need it. You are not weak you are traumatised. Take care, mind yourself, you can do this :)

@heartlikepaper
Hi
I am shaking with the anxiety of it all today.
Talking to everyone has helped so much.
He has always only cared about himself.
I hate that someone can treat another person like this, he made so many promises at the start.
I honestly thought he was the one .x

like yourself i had never met someone so disordered and manipulative before, and who could be so loving attentive supportive and interested only to pull it all away and become the complete opposite. it makes no sense and causes massive cognitive dissonance, or brain pain as I referred to it before I learned the psychological term. you feel like its driving you crazy. it only gets better when you go no contact and start to hear your own true voice over their sinister insinuations. ughh its crazy making, and so painful. when you go no contact you have the control though.

@heartlikepaper
Its been a tough 4 years.. I always thought it was me overreacting and being paranoid.
He used to constantly talk about other women at the start to make me jealous.
Ruined every special occasion.
On one special occasion he had a day off work and instead of spending it with me and the kids he went away and videoed himself for the whole day to send to someone else.
My head is scrambled.
He recently sent a flirts message to a woman and the issue was that I seen it, not that he sent it.
He deflected everything.
Thanks for your advice x

I was in a relationship with a narc. Was horrible. We broke up so many times but he always reeled me back in, my friends and family seen a difference in me and how much of a shell I became and begged me to not to go back. The last time I got back with him I kept it secret . No one was to know... I ended up suffering alone as I had no friends now to reach out too ... but my mum again noticed me withdrawing and becoming a shell of myself and questioned me and I broke down crying and told her I was back with him but he was making me unhappy.... well let me tell u, telling her again was the best thing I did because something in her snapped and she drove to my apartment packed all his stuff into black bags, took all our photos we had of each other and ripped them up.. loaded everything into her car and dumped it has his front door. Told me to send a text and tell him all his stuff was outside and not to contact me again... then block his number. I drew from my mums strength that day. She brought me and my daughter back to hers, poured me a vodka , ordered takeaway and let me cry as much as I needed. I stayed with her for a few days until I felt strong enough to return home. Him being a narc meant he tried every possible way to contact me and reel me back in or rile me up to get a reaction - numerous Facebook pages, snap chats, instagrams, emails etc but after something clicking in my head that day my mum snapped I knew they only way to get away from a narc was not to play their game. It’s now been 3 years and I still get messages every now and again from him but I have never replied to any and blocked all new accounts . I am so happy and it only took a month or two to get away from his spell and see everything clearly. Basically my advice to u is don’t hide ur relationship... if it needs to be hidden then u know it’s not right, ask for support again from family, leave and block block block do not engage at all... no matter how hard he tries!! Believe me you will soon be free and feel so much happier

And then stories I could tell You of what he did :( well sometimes I’ve thought of writing a book. So I know how u feel with all the shit he has pulled on you x