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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help please ladies, mental abuse and narcissist behaviour.

201 replies

Christmashappy · 20/10/2020 00:38

Hi ladies
I hope this is the last time I post on here about this man.
I am at an all time low.
I have left my narcissist 3 times this year.
The last time was for good, I told my family, my ex(kids dad).
I was truly done with him, on top of the mental abuse, there had been sexting of videos for a 3 year period.
He managed to reel me back in, I know this is on me.
No one knows we are in the relationship, he is still awful.
I feel like I have no self confidence left and I am just skimming over life.
One minute I feel so strong and happy then he pulls the rug and I am weak.
I think he is a sociopath.
I hate myself for worrying about being on my own, I was so convinced he was the one. Especially after a messy divorce.
X

OP posts:
Original poster
Christmashappy · 21/10/2020 18:08

@HereWeAre20

He sounds lovely.
He could have at least altered the emails slightly, what the hell is wrong with these men.
I thank my lucky starts he never moved in with me.
My narc is way too selfish for kids.
Are you in a better place now? Does it ever get to you?

OP posts:
heartlikepaper · 21/10/2020 18:23

Good to hear your are treating yourself. Mind yourself, all will be well once you get through the 'cold turkey'. You are not alone and you can do this.

Original poster
Christmashappy · 21/10/2020 18:32

@heartlikepaper
Thank you . That means a lot Flowers

OP posts:
Itsbedlam · 21/10/2020 18:35

Have you heard of the freedom program? For women experiencing domestic abuse? You haven't done anything wrong. You need support.He is playing with your mind. Makes you feel like you are going mad. You may not feel comfortable talking to family/ friends, but isolation is the key.Talk to someone. Look up your local freedom programme pretty sharpish I'd say.

HereWeAre20 · 21/10/2020 18:37

@Christmashappy omg yes I’m so so happy. My narc completely ruined my trust in men. I stayed single for a bit to find myself again and then met my fiancé about a year later, I took things very slow... only met him once a week. Kept my guard up. He called me the Great Wall of China lol but he stuck around and understood why I was afraid to commit. We are now living together, he is amazing... complete opposite of my narc. We are expecting our first baby atm. I learned a massive lesson from my narc. My daughter who is now 9 talks about how much she wants to punch him when she’s older... so I guess she sensed a lot more of what went on that I realised.
Times may seem dark now for u. But believe me you will be happy again. Cut his cord

Original poster
Christmashappy · 21/10/2020 18:52

@Itsbedlam
I haven't looked into this.
I do need help. I will look into this.
Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Christmashappy · 21/10/2020 18:54

@HereWeAre20
That makes me feel really happy. Thanks for sharing.
It makes me feel hopeful and you deserve happiness.
My son has voiced how much he doesn't like my narcissist.
Your daughter sounds like a good judge of character.
Things can only improve for me after this x

OP posts:
Eckhart · 21/10/2020 18:56

omg yes I’m so so happy

I think most of the people on the thread have pulled through successfully, OP, but can remember being somewhere similar to where you are. It's utterly within your grasp to get free of this, and come out strong and happy. You'll feel so confident once you've done it and settled back down, too. More confident in yourself than you ever have.

Original poster
Christmashappy · 21/10/2020 20:03

@eckhart
I hope so.
I feel quite riled up just now.
I feel like I have a bit more life in me:) x

OP posts:
heartlikepaper · 21/10/2020 21:02

you do have more life in you @Christmashappy!! now dont waste any more of it on him, use that rile to keep the door firmly closed!

Original poster
Christmashappy · 21/10/2020 21:10

@heartlikepaper
I feel happy for the first time in months.
So glad I posted on here yesterday.

OP posts:
heartlikepaper · 21/10/2020 21:22

i got great hand holding here myself not too long ago, it helped me see clearer, understand more and get stronger. 💞
I was horrified to see how many women were suffering with these men though, i felt like id never trust a man again. luckily i have some solid men in my life, who gave me such unconditional love and support during the worst of my recovery, that i was reminded they are not all bad. I hope you have people like that that you can reach out to as the first few weeks can be hard as your mind unwinds and tries to reset. Mumsnetters are here too :)

Original poster
Christmashappy · 21/10/2020 21:28

@heartlikepaper
Its so nice to hear that there is hope after this experience.
That is what worries me, the amount of men like this.
I think and hope that I have already done a lot of my grieving for this relationship.
So glad you ladies are here Flowers

OP posts:
tickertyboo · 22/10/2020 18:33

Christmashappy - with his bisexuality; are you not concerned about your own sexual health? You may be interested in this - www.theguardian.com/society/2018/jul/23/dangerous-liaisons-why-syphilis-and-gonorrhea-have-returned-to-haunt-britain

Original poster
Christmashappy · 22/10/2020 18:37

@tickertyboo
I am pretty confident he doesn't actively get involved with anyone if that makes sense.
But from a mental health point of view it really bother me.
Made a positive step today and confident contacted womens aid x

OP posts:
tickertyboo · 22/10/2020 18:44

Christmashappy - why do you think he's not involved sexually with anyone else?

Original poster
Christmashappy · 22/10/2020 19:01

@tickertyboo
Not sure I just don't think he is. But I will get checked just to make sure.
I think everything he does is online.
Maybe I just don't want to add that to my thoughts.

My head is already fit to burst :(

OP posts:
Eckhart · 22/10/2020 19:05

Hi Christmashappy. Don't worry whether or not he's at it with anyone else. You don't need to know. Just get you checked, for you. This is all about you :)

It's great that you've contacted Women's Aid. A strong step in the right direction! Get as much support as you can.

Are you feeling riled up still or has today been different?

tickertyboo · 22/10/2020 19:07

Christmashappy - I think you know that he's having sex with others but you're too fearful to acknowledge this fact.

It seems as if both of you are not living in reality. Why are you choosing to live in this way, when there are more meaningful ways of living?

x

Original poster
Christmashappy · 22/10/2020 19:48

@tickertyboo
Its hard to explain.
Four years of someone playing with my mind and emotions has made me think its normal.
If I was looking at it from the outside I wouldn't understand why I was doing it.
I just feel like I need a bit of support to leave for good. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Christmashappy · 22/10/2020 19:51

@Eckhart
Hi
Thanks I feel like it is a positive move. They are calling me tomorrow.
I feel tired but okay.
I really appreciate the support on here.
It has helped so much xx

OP posts:
Orkneys · 22/10/2020 20:03

[quote Christmashappy]@DianaT1969
That isn't helpful at all.
4 years of mental abuse takes its toll and leaves a person in a place that isn't where they would normally be.
I came on here for support not to be diagnosed as having a personality disorder.[/quote]
Please don't listen people who haven't been in a relationship with a narcissist find it hard to understand. I was in a relationship with one. I posted here in 2011 I endured another 3 years of it. Done plenty of reading which helped helps you stay one step ahead of them it explained to me what I needed to do in order for him to leave me (he never let me leave him) it took a while but it worked and I can't explain the feeling of how good it feels.

Orkneys · 22/10/2020 20:06

@Eckhart

Hi Christmashappy. Don't worry whether or not he's at it with anyone else. You don't need to know. Just get you checked, for you. This is all about you :)

It's great that you've contacted Women's Aid. A strong step in the right direction! Get as much support as you can.

Are you feeling riled up still or has today been different?

Happy to hear you have contacted womens aid. Good luck OP. It will be a long road but it is WORTH it, I promise. Don't let him know you are planning anything.
Original poster
Christmashappy · 22/10/2020 20:30

@Orkneys
Thank you.
It helps when I hear positive news like this.
So glad you are happy now.
I can only liken this situation to a living hell.
I think I am ready to leave but I need the support to stay away and get stronger.
Does that make sense?

OP posts:
Orkneys · 22/10/2020 20:43

[quote Christmashappy]@Orkneys
Thank you.
It helps when I hear positive news like this.
So glad you are happy now.
I can only liken this situation to a living hell.
I think I am ready to leave but I need the support to stay away and get stronger.
Does that make sense?[/quote]
Absolutely makes sense. You aren't alone. You do need people to have your back i did too. Read as much information as you can it really helps you grow stronger.