Help please ladies, mental abuse and narcissist behaviour.

[Christmashappy]

Hi ladies
I hope this is the last time I post on here about this man.
I am at an all time low.
I have left my narcissist 3 times this year.
The last time was for good, I told my family, my ex(kids dad).
I was truly done with him, on top of the mental abuse, there had been sexting of videos for a 3 year period.
He managed to reel me back in, I know this is on me.
No one knows we are in the relationship, he is still awful.
I feel like I have no self confidence left and I am just skimming over life.
One minute I feel so strong and happy then he pulls the rug and I am weak.
I think he is a sociopath.
I hate myself for worrying about being on my own, I was so convinced he was the one. Especially after a messy divorce.
X

@Gilda152
I will do that.
I need to get that power and control back.
If i was witnessing someone else go through this I would be saying they are mad.
The advice on here this morning and totally changed how the rest of my day would have gone.
Thanks xx

The six months thing I actually meant after you've told him it's over, tell yourself there's no going back for at least six months! (I had to do that as the actually breaking up was horrible and, having done it more than once, I didn't want to do it again!)

@Eckhart
It really helps and does make me feel less alone.
I have demonstrated to him that I have no boundaries at all and he knows it. Time for that to change.
I am going to write down all of the helpful advice I have been given today.
I need to get back to being me.
I can't remember the last time he didn't ruin something for me x

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas

That would free up OP's Christmas

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas
Sorry I misunderstood, at least I realise that 6 months with him is impossible.
It has been horrible each time.
The last time I was so convinced it was over but it wasn't for some reason.
Good thing is this time he no longer stays over at mine so I feel at least I have adapted to something x

Very happy memories of my first fuckwit-free Christmas!

This thread is your little secret from him, OP. It's all yours, it's all strength, and he has no part in it whatsoever. Think of the thread when he puts you down. Think about what your supporters would say about what he says to you.

In the words of somebody I never thought I'd quote in a million years, 'We're going to build a beautiful wall'

@Eckhart
Christmas without him sounds like bliss. He hates it and properly ruined mine last year x

I spent my first fuckwit-free Christmas alone, and it was an AWESOME improvement!

Oh, I wasn't very clear, no worries! Like @dramalessllama, I was so happy once I left and I want you to feel the same relief as soon as possible!

@Eckhart
That made me lol.
It takes a special kind of fuckwit to spoil Christmas

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas
Thank you.

I will, I have to. Especially for the kids x

@Eckhart
I will continue to think of this post.
The support is amazing and it takes away the feeling of thinking that I am mad or that I need him.x

Leave ASAP

I know you don't live together

So block
Don't even explain

He will guilt trip you
I have been there many of us has and best to cut all off and go no contact

Wishing you the best

@dublingirl66
Thanks.
Yeah he does that all the time.
Plays the victim, always doing things wrong .
He even told his friends he has to hide new trainers from me.
So far from the truth x

Omg you are not mental. It is him. Haven't read the whole thread but have you tried Grey Rock?

I'm gunning for you doing it this time (did you post about leaving him as it sounds familiar).

Remember you don't need to discuss ending it with him, you don't allow him the chance to talk you around.

Whatever plans you have you just send a simple message. I'm not coming. Preferably block but that's your decision.

@OhioOhioOhio
No I haven't but I will. I will try anything that will help x

@RandomMess
Yes I have posted before. This has been a long process.
You are so right, I have no idea why I feel like I owe him something. X

You don't!!!

I wonder if you are desperately trying him to see it from your point of view, that he will have an epiphany and then change.

Logically you know he won't BUT emotionally you need the validation you are worth changing for? That you are good enough for him?

Comes back to self esteem.

Just frame his a "sick f*cker" in your head.

Grey rock was how I told my xh it was over (the time I was successful in leaving!). Very bland. It's over. Shrugs. I'm sorry that's how you feel. I'm just not happy. And repeat. Very bland - no explanations like I'd always tried before. I gave in to the drained feeling he always induced in me! And left the room as quickly as possible.

@RandomMess
That makes sense.
Everytime I bring things up he apologises and is attentive for a few days at most.
So I think I was waiting for the change but it is never going to happen.
I bought steak for Monday night dinner and he moaned because I asked him to help me cook it.
So I make effort and he moans.
That is a tiny small example of things.
I think he is seriously troubled.
I hate it how he portrays to everyone that he is mr happy and the life and soul.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas
I will read up on this once the kids are in bed. Thank you x

Everytime I bring things up he apologises and is attentive for a few days at most

He's textbook. Which is good because you can read up about all his tricks and find ways round them. This one is how abusers get nice people to stay with them. It's the 'Oh, I know he's a nice person underneath the abuse...' trick. It's called 'hoovering'. Keeping you close enough to suck you back in. The further away you get (ie the more he feels he's losing you) the stronger the suction. Does he use different hoovering tricks when you try to leave him?

You've just put your finger on why it didn't work last time; so this time, don't stay friends, don't even stay acquaintances, put him so far out of your life that if you pass him in the street in 15 years time you won't even recognise him!
Meantime, aim for a happy Christmas. Think of it - you and the kids, no-one moaning that the food is wrong - or the presents are wrong - or you didn't do this - or you should have done that. Play some silly games and enjoy the lightened feeling in the house. Then start a new year building a new life. Do it for the children. They're old enough to take notice. If they're girls, you don't want them growing up thinking its their role to take shit from anyone. If they're boys, you really, really don't want this to be their role model of male behaviour. Good luck - and come back in January to tell us that Christmas was brilliant.