Help please ladies, mental abuse and narcissist behaviour.

[Christmashappy]

Hi ladies
I hope this is the last time I post on here about this man.
I am at an all time low.
I have left my narcissist 3 times this year.
The last time was for good, I told my family, my ex(kids dad).
I was truly done with him, on top of the mental abuse, there had been sexting of videos for a 3 year period.
He managed to reel me back in, I know this is on me.
No one knows we are in the relationship, he is still awful.
I feel like I have no self confidence left and I am just skimming over life.
One minute I feel so strong and happy then he pulls the rug and I am weak.
I think he is a sociopath.
I hate myself for worrying about being on my own, I was so convinced he was the one. Especially after a messy divorce.
X

@HereWeAre20
I know it can't go anywhere and that is why I don't tell anyone.
My friends told me exactly what they thought of him as did my family.
My dad offered to take his stuff to him the last time.
That is exactly what I feel like, a shell of myself.
I am skimming over life and I have become so used to living like that it is horrible.
Thanks for sharing this with me, it helps hearing storied like this especially when you say you are so much happier.
I just want a normal life.
I am so exhausted and the thought of ending things makes me feel tired.
I know I will feel better afterwards but I still feel scared xx

@HereWeAre20
Just read the other bit.
Same here about the book.
I was just about ready to finish it and I found his 3 years of sexting and it totally broke me.
This should have been the catalyst but the shock was horrible.
These men are horrible x

At least you don’t live with him so I assume financially etc you don’t depend on him. So it really is breaking the habit, he’s reeling
You in Because your letting him. How is he even able to contact you? Tell him it’s over,
Once and for all,
Tell him you do not wish to speak to him again.
Block him on any And every platform, and tell him if he shows up at your house you will ring the police. That should stop him, Because bullies
Feed Off pushing around people
They feel are
Weak, show him strength. You have literally
No ties to this man, this is the ideal clean break that not many women get, take it! All the best xx

@HumptyD
Thankfully he never moved in. He wasn't ready.
How i am glad of that now.
I am totally independent of him.
There has always been belongings to exchange or things to get back.
This time I have nothing of his.
I am fortunate to be able to have a clean break, I hadn't thought of it like that x

From your posts you seem to have accepted the fact that this man is a narc, who has no love or respect for you and you want to leave him in order to life a happier life.

It's important for you and your children that you do this as soon as possible.

What is stopping you doing this now? Right now. Not in 4 weeks time. Now?

I went back to my ex narc/sociopath 3 times. In the 3 years I knew him I’d found him on sex sites, he’d visited prostitutes and no doubt cheated countless times. He was physically and emotionally abusive and I still went back. The last time I didn’t tell friends and family either I was too ashamed. Of course, despite all the promises etc he reverted to his awful self the day after I’d had an operation and he was with me. It was the lowest point of my time with him, lying ill in bed whilst he verbally abused me. Two weeks later I ended it, I knew he’d never, ever be there for me and would never change, it would only get much worse. You just have to do it, it’s going to be tough! He tried everything to get me back but I knew it was all a facade. But believe me, 10 months on I feel so free and happier. I’d lost myself completely and can feel the old me coming back. My kids are so much happier, life is good again. I did have therapy whilst I was with him and it really helped. CBT, for self esteem and to get stronger.
You have to leave him, I cannot now believe what I put up with, how he had coerced me, manipulated me and skewed my reality. It’s no way for you and especially your kids to live. They will suffer emotionally if you continue, and if for no one else, leave him for them. You can do it!

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor
Nothing at all.
I have totally exhausted the relationship, I can't fix it.
I suppose its the self esteem thing.
And the fear of going through the pain of the breakup. Which would probably be less painful than the relationship.
My head is not in the right place at all.
That is exactly why I post on here, for the clarity. X

So nothing is stopping you

Do it! Take back control of your life, your happiness, your children's happiness

You are having a shit time in the relationship anyway so what would you be losing?

Get free, and start planning a twat free lovely Christmas with your kids

@Buggedandconfused
I am sorry you went through all of that.
I had a small op about a month ago and didn't have use of one arm and he was on holiday and didn't come to help.
When he picked me up from the hospital he didn't even get out the car.
These guys really are the pits.
I hate that he has done this , a breakup is sad but he has changed me and I hate him for that.
Thanks for sharing this with me.
These guys are so similar it is scary.
I hope you are okay now x

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor
That made me laugh.
I am not sure why I am complicating things.
I need some control back and need to realise I don't need him xx

@Christmashappy it was sexting I also found ghat made me leave cry to my mum that day. After all the years of other abuse I allowed him to gaslight next and project onto me and and make light of everything... he made me feel like I was over reacting and crazy and I forgave everything. Because none of it was cheating and he somehow got in my head and make me think nothing he done was as bad as it seemed to me. But once that totally random stranger that day sent me all his private messages to her over Facebook I just felt sick... he again tried to tell me to pull up my big girl pants and it was just texts. Again gaslighting next. But it was disgusting sexual requests to this girl. From then everything he had been doing on me all these years made sense... not leaving his phone lying about... not allowing me to know where he was going... blocking me from seeing his Instagram and Twitter and hiding me from his snap chat stories .. and this man lived with me. I also felt shame admitting to my mum I took him back and now I’ve caught him cheating ...

But don’t feel shame... you are being abused. Ur family will understand this and help you. They want to see u happy and know you can turn to them. The fact you don’t live with him is a good stepping stone. Throw all his stuff out. Lock the door and block him. Call on ur family and friends and tell them what’s happened and u need support xx

I’m ok now thanks, I don’t cry anymore & feel happy. They are awful people. They won’t ever change. They are emotional and financial vampires. A few months of sadness & painful moments to escape years of abuse, neglect and emotional harm to your kids. OP, just give it a go. Don’t let him win.

@HereWeAre20
Same here it was nothing , he said it was silly.
He had videoed himself in my underwear.
Urinating in a glass..it was mind blowing stuff and I forgave the lot.
I feel ashamed that I am still with him.
I hope you are okay the videos absolutely haunt me. Its horrible.
X

Good,
Maybe now thinking of it as a clean break will make it feel easier for you. Get it done now so that you can enjoy a stress free Christmas with your kids. He’s really not worth anymore of your time, he gets you back to treat you like he hates you. It’s all part of the control to make you feel like you have to please him etc, they enjoy making you feel like
You’ve done something wrong. Been there done that, honestly, he is providing nothing to your life. Tell him ASAP so that the dust settles in time for xmas and a new year new things to look forward to! The kids still pick up on little things and your vibe when your around him (which is probably on eggshells) and they will start to resent being around him as they get older. My Eldest son one day when on a tic toc video somebody said ‘cunt’ I said omg turn that off that’s a horrible word and he replied ‘I know I heard call you that before when you thought I was asleep’ I was mortified, I hope it’s a memory he forgets but It still made me feel sick inside that he had to hear that and feel that way (I never knew, I was downstairs when ex called it me and the kids had been sleep a while, so I thought!) kids have dumbo ears when it comes to their mamas! Instead of dreading it, start to feel excited for your new found happiness and freedom xxx

I think in situations such as yours with no ties financially, kids, housing etc many posters get frustrated when you acknowledge everything but still go back time and time again. Some of your friends must be getting tired of it too as it is/can be exhausting and frustrating supporting someone in an abusive relationship.

I wouldn't underestimate the impact it is having on your kids by the way, he may not be involved in their daily lives but they will be seeing you dissolve as a person, no matter how much you think you are shielding them. If anything, when you next "leave" him, make your children the reason why you don't allow him back into your life. Block, delete on every possible means and move on, get some counselling if needed and regain control of yourself, you owe it to your children as well as yourself. They deserve a role model who is not anxious or walking on eggshells, who believes in themselves and their ability to be resilient. There is so much going into young people's mental health and the top proactive factors starts at home with the parents.

@HumptyD
My 9 year old can already read him and doesn't trust him.
I feel a bit like all of my logic has gone. What logically thinking woman would stay with a man who has done all of this.
I need to change my perspective on things and I should be excited.
This guy has drained me. I was off work for 5 months with anxiety and depression and it was because of him.
I need to sort myself out.
I have got so used to the horrible way things are.
Thanks for the support tonight.
I was so down this morning. Today has been amazing. Xx

@combatbarbie
I can totally understand that as I don't fully understand. I post because I know I will get peoples honest opinions about the situation and support...I really appreciate it. This has been a living hell for.months.
Friends are frustrated.
I haven't told many people I am still with him.

The kids should be the reason they deserve so much better.
Thanks for the advice I appreciate it a lot. X

@Buggedandconfused
They are vampires.
I hope I feel better tomorrow..I hate that he makes me feel like this.
Take care x

The fact you say you haven't told many people you are back with him says to me that you know how your friends/family will react. If you do not get rid of him once and for all you will end up with Noone to turn to if his behaviour escalates. Kinda like the boy that cried wolf story. However, this is also textbook in order for you to alienate yourself from your friends and family. At the moment you are just his puppet still dancing to his tune.

Look at what you have written here..... Just tell him to fuck off. Show your children that everyone has choices!

My counsellor told me that I needed to get angry, when I felt all squashed and confused and bereft of what I'd thought was love. Just angry by myself, or talking with someone I trusted. (not angry directly to my abuser - that's not helpful)

At first it felt wrong; we're not supposed to get angry about people we love. But then I realised that that's what I'd been suppressing, that's what had allowed the abuse to take place. I had always questioned my anger ('You just laughed at me when I was crying and it's really infuriating, but maybe I'm just wierd for crying about something so silly? It's probably just me...', that sort of thing), but when I started to have faith in my anger, and believe that my negative emotions weren't just foolish notions to be pushed aside... well, it was like growing up. Suddenly an adult, suddenly worthy. I was in my late 30s, and a responsible adult in other areas of my life. I make sure now that I surround myself with sensitive people (because I am a sensitive person - it's a good thing, as long as you're not spending time with people who wind you up) who understand and respect my emotions. That's a lesson my abuser taught me, and I will be eternally grateful for the hell I went through because, in terms of a whole life, it took a comparatively short time. You'll get there, OP.

I'm sorry for the rambly post. I've woken very early and was thinking of you, and what it's like to be in the shitstorm part of the process that you're in. Please talk to someone in real life about what's happening. If your friends are frustrated with your situation, they'll be pleased and supportive that your leaving him. It's so important not to feel alone in this process.

*that you're leaving him. Jeez. My least favourite grammar fail.

Please look up Melanie Tonia Evans, she has lots of free content on Facebook, utube etc which will help you understand this addiction and your behaviours better. Good luck op.

www.melanietoniaevans.com

@combatbarbie
I will. The clarity i have gained while posting on here is great.
He is a master of making me doubt myself and I think he knows he is a narcissist.
I get the feeling his wife left him because of this.
Thanks again for the advice x

@Eckhart
Morning, please don't apologise you have no idea how much I appreciate this.
I am in my late 30's. I am very sensitive and he knows it and he constantly winds me up.
Knowledge is definitely power and I need to realise and remember exactly what I am dealing with.
This is a shitstorm.
What makes me really angry is that the last time it was over, for me it really was.
I got new bedclothes, curtains, packed up all his stuff and before I knew it I was back again.
Everytime I have tried to speak to him about how I feel it escalates to an argument and the argument is usually an inconvenience to his night.
I hardly slept again.x

@staruponawish
Thanks. I will look this up today x