Help please ladies, mental abuse and narcissist behaviour.

[Christmashappy]

Hi ladies
I hope this is the last time I post on here about this man.
I am at an all time low.
I have left my narcissist 3 times this year.
The last time was for good, I told my family, my ex(kids dad).
I was truly done with him, on top of the mental abuse, there had been sexting of videos for a 3 year period.
He managed to reel me back in, I know this is on me.
No one knows we are in the relationship, he is still awful.
I feel like I have no self confidence left and I am just skimming over life.
One minute I feel so strong and happy then he pulls the rug and I am weak.
I think he is a sociopath.
I hate myself for worrying about being on my own, I was so convinced he was the one. Especially after a messy divorce.
X

Everytime I have tried to speak to him about how I feel it escalates to an argument and the argument is usually an inconvenience to his night

Your feelings are an inconvenience to him. This is why you ought not discuss with him why you're ending the relationship. It will make it much easier for you. It's not like ending a normal relationship, where both parties try to do so with mutual respect. 'I don't want you to be in my life any more' can be your stock line to him. Just repeat and repeat and repeat. Whatever he says. Whatever future he promises. However he tries to play you off against other women. 'I don't want you to be in my life any more.' That's all you need to say.

@Eckhart
I need to keep thinking this too.
Might sound dramatic but it feels like he is poison.
I can be in the best mood, positive about uni and life and he sucks it right away from me.
This is typical of his games.
Last night we were having a conversation via messages and he left something unanswered in the middle of the conversation.
I asked what he meant, he has read it this morning and still not replied.
Hard to believe this is a guy in his late 40s.

He is poison. It sounds quite matter of fact, but even if it had sounded dramatic, you're allowed to be dramatic. Emotions are dramatic, especially for sensitive people. And especially for sensitive people who are being deliberately wound up.

Let him not reply. Leave him to it. He'll contact you at some point to find out why you've not been in touch. That's when you tell him you don't want him in your life, and then stick to that like a broken record. You can shut him out of your life today if you want to.

Concerning yourself about whether he's answered your question or not puts him in charge. But YOU are in charge. This is your life, your time. YOU make the decisions. YOU choose who to let in, and YOU choose the reasons why. This is not about him.

@Eckhart
This is how he has always behaved.

I need to think like this and remember who I am.
The anger is coming..not sure who it is directed at yet but I feel different today.
Thank you

When you go to uni you will not have time to chat to him!!!

It sounds like you may benefit from going cold Turkey and blocking him completely and properly and perhaps changing your mobile number so you can't unblock him.

Like alcohol addiction if it's not in the house it's easier to not be tempted!

You need to keep yourself busy busy busy.

@RandomMess
Thank you.
Sounds so childish but I just want to know everything will be okay.
He has totally rocked my perception of people.
And I feel a bit anxious and scared.
I really appreciate the support on here xx

How are you going to end it with him?

Do you need a plan in place to do it mentally? I don't understand why you were messaging him last night- I guess you aren't ready yet.

I think the only tactic that could work for you is by blocking him everywhere first and then sending a simple message such as "I no longer want to be in a relationship with you, please do not contact me again" then block on that media too.

If you don't you will just end up in a mind f*cking conversation with him. He doesn't have to like it or agree with it NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!!

Can you set up meeting with different friends and family every night for a few weeks, just a phone call to chat about random stuff to distract you?

You will need to be prepared to go down the legal route if he harasses you this is why I recommend changing your number so you don't get bombarded by him using alternate profiles.

@RandomMess
I haven't thought about the exact way as I have tried it so many times it is like he doesn't quite believe it.
I honestly think he will leave me alone. He is too stubborn and proud to chase anyone.
I think this sounds like the best way and most straightforward way to end it.
I feel a weight lifting just thinking about it.
I could arrange things with friends.
I think my logic is out the window just now because I am on autopilot everyday and it is no way to live x

I think you usually try and explain and justify so you need to realise that you don't have to have a reason to end it apart from you wanting to.

I think you do need to block him as he will try and draw you into defending yourself and one of his conversations where you end up thinking it's not that bad and you're wrong.

Simple message "I don't want to be with you anymore, do not contact me again" the block. Zero reason or justification. You have told him why you are ending it - because you don't want to be with him, his ego will hate that but that is his problem/issue to deal with not yours.

@RandomMess
Sounds bad but I wish I could hurt him but I know it isn't possible.
Thanks for taking the time to give me this advice xx

Oh believe me his ego will be hurt!!!

You may never witness it but it will be...

The reason he is with you is so that he can stoke his ego by treating you like crap. It means he has someone on-tap that he can always feel 'better than'. It's called 'narcissistic supply'. You can google it.

Take away a narcissist's supply, it destroys them. They can't survive without it. It's why they have to replace their victims immediately, or preferably, overlap them.

You will wreck him if you prove to him that your self esteem has risen beyond his abuse. He may replace you but it's very likely that he will always try to hoover you from time to time as the loss will always be painful for him.

He will never, ever show this to you. Have faith! Narcissists are disturbingly similar, and he ticks all the other boxes. He's unlikely to differ in this respect.

@RandomMess
I hope so. He deserves it.

@Eckhart
Is it bad that it made me smile when I read that.
He is all for show in every aspect of his life.
How is wish I had listened to friends and colleagues who knew him and told me at the start I deserves better.
I have learned the hard way for sure.

Nothing you feel is bad. There are no 'feeling police'. You can feel like you want to gouge his eyes out with a spoon and roast them, if you want. It's still not bad.

Anything goes, feeling-wise. You don't have to act on any of your feelings. Just respond to the messages they give you.

It's good you're getting a smile. Sounds long overdue!

@Eckhart
It is long overdue.
If I am wishing for things it would probably be a broken limb so he can't run.

You will be hurting him far more than 4 broken limbs!!

There will be (private) narcisstic raging, the whole world...

@RandomMess
I honestly can't figure out how these guys function.
It must take up so much energy being so evil.

You are not weak. You do have boundaries. Do not doubt yourself about those things.
What happens to you with him is your pattern of responding to men. Needy, attention seeking high maintenance men like being with women who get obsessed with them and put the man's needs above their own.
Look back at your posts. It's all about him. It's all about you obsessing about his character, and how can he be like that and how to fix him.
This is a strategy you use to protect yourself from your own feelings. Your strategy is to focus on someone else, and controlling him by constantly thinking about him or looking at his social media pages or engaging with texts etc. That makes you feel safe....even when he's abusing you. He abuses you and you 'allow' it because it means you don't have to feel your own feelings.
Other people's shit keeps us from feeling our own distress, that's why he's like a drug you keep taking. Learning to focus on your own needs and feel your own feelings will help you restore yourself.
You put your own needs aside and that's what's happening here. Block him and stay away from him, and you will re-emerge.
You have a learned pattern of responding that can be unlearnt. Therapy will help you look at that with a supportive person who won't judge you.

@sadie9
Thanks. This makes so much sense and I can really relate to that.
I feel like when I am dealing with this breakup.that the feelings from my divorce will resurface and I don't want to deal with it.
Thanks for taking the time to explain this to me.
I feel numb to life at the moment and it is not a nice place to be.

I feel like when I am dealing with this breakup.that the feelings from my divorce will resurface and I don't want to deal with it.

But if that's the case, won't you put off breaking up indefinitely?

Rip the plaster off. The sooner you do it, the sooner you reach your happy life, that great Christmas you've got a picture of...

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas

I need to. @sadie9 was spot on. Rather than deal with my own feelings, concentrating on this horrible man takes that away.
When it is pointed out I can see how ridiculous that is but it has been a horrible few years for me.
My mind has constantly been thinking and its not healthy.
My ex has said I can go and stay at his with the kids on Christmas eve.
It would be a lovely Christmas.

Also dont bother trying to get closure OP that will never come from him and only drags it out down the nonsense alley where he blames, twists, gaslights, demeans. im sure you know this anyway but thats the really hard part, moving on without closure, nothing to show for the relationship but hurt and confusion. you have to accept that part and work the closure out yourself or with a therapist. Hard but necessary, he cannot be allowed any more of your precious headspace.

@heartlikepaper
I think this is my problem.
I expect closure or for him to be sorry for his behaviour. Neither will happen.
I wrapping my head around that.
On a positive note I treated myself to a nice new bedset today.
I hope this is my only encounter with a man like this.

@Christmashappy unfortunately that’s true ... with a true narc you will never get closure :(

Although funny story... after I eventually left my narc for good about a month later he sent me an email apologising for all his hurtful and wrong ways and he hopes he will learn from this experience and I’m true credit and he’s sorry he’s lost me... I couldn’t believe it until I realised he sent the exact same email to another female word for word and just changed our names . I swear lol it was just another tactic to try and get someone to message him back lol 😂

He has now went on to find a new girlfriend who I suspect he was seeing behind my back (her name is the same name that popped up in a conversation about him buying one of his clients champagne to be nice) and they have since had a baby... but throughout the poor girls pregnancy he keep trying to message me. I of course ignored him but sent her the messages to she could do what she wanted with the info. But it just proves that never ever change no matter how much they seem sincere

I guess the point of this story is to show you not to wait or expect it AND if he does seem to give u ur apology.. it’s not a true apology.. jus another tactic . Please run while u have no children to him. Mine kept trying to get my pregnant... I can now see to keep me under control... I thank my lucky starts every day I never got pregnant