Help please ladies, mental abuse and narcissist behaviour.

[Christmashappy]

Hi ladies
I hope this is the last time I post on here about this man.
I am at an all time low.
I have left my narcissist 3 times this year.
The last time was for good, I told my family, my ex(kids dad).
I was truly done with him, on top of the mental abuse, there had been sexting of videos for a 3 year period.
He managed to reel me back in, I know this is on me.
No one knows we are in the relationship, he is still awful.
I feel like I have no self confidence left and I am just skimming over life.
One minute I feel so strong and happy then he pulls the rug and I am weak.
I think he is a sociopath.
I hate myself for worrying about being on my own, I was so convinced he was the one. Especially after a messy divorce.
X

He wants to stay in the relationship because it would take a lot of time and energy to train up another victim and why would he want to when he has you.

He doesn't love you, you are nothing but a resource to him. Deep down you have to understand that he has crippling self esteem issues that he can only tackle by trying to make someone else feel smaller and less insignificant than he does on a daily basis. Don't be his stooge. He doesn't value you at all and if you found even 10,% of who you used to be he would walk away from you and not look back because you're only useful when you're weak. What you don't realise is that normal people with intact self esteem actually control to narcissists of this world it's just we don't play those games because we don't hate ourselves to the point we have to hurt others. You can remove his power in one day, by walking away for good.

@Eckhart
Yes I can do that.
It is so twisted , I have spent years wanting to spend time with him to avoid what he could be doing behind my back and I really should not care.
I will do this today. Also starting a food plan today.
For years he has made me out to be mad.
Even when I discovered the videos his response was why did you look at my phone, deflecting away from the fact he had been unfaithful for years.

@Gilda152
I think you are spot on with his low self esteem.
He is constantly looking for gratification via Facebook and always exaggerates.
Thanks for taking the time to give me this advice I appreciate it. X

@DianaT1969 you say you've worked with vulnerable women before? And you believe it's appropriate to tell a victim of abuse that they won't be strong enough to leave? That they should find a new home for their children because she's not good enough to keep them with her?? You suggest that she likes the drama and has a PD??? You make me feel sick.

I've worked with dickheads before. I can definitely see some of the traits in you, I think you should get it check out before it gets worse.

The danger with seeking people to talk to is it becomes another way for you to focus on him.

You've said you're not ready to leave him. Don't you feel bad for your DC? That they get the drained, confused, low self esteem mum rather than the best you can be? Honestly, it was knowing the effect it was having on the DC, being denied my full attention so often, that motivated me to move on and go as low contact as possible (he is the DC's dad, otherwise I'd be blissfully no contact now).

@Christmashappy as PP have said, it's not a personality disorder. Your self esteem has been eroded over the course of years. Believe it or not, the only way I managed to get support to consider leaving was after I broke down in front of my GP. Over time I've realised how bead things are.

I am still with him, but physically, not mentally. I'm preparing things and 'getting my ducks in a row' (hate that phrase ) at the moment. I have a plan to leave, and when I get there I think I'll still be feeling a lot of the same feelings you are now. That's why I advised you to get used to doing everything independently that you would normally do with him. At least that will help you to feel capable, even when you're upset that you feel you still miss him. And you will feel that way. And it will be fine. You'll be fine. And you don't need to give your DC to your ex full time . You're not a failure, you're doing things right

how bad* things are. Most things aren't beads.

@SuckingDownDarjeeling
Thanks for that.
I was wondering why someone who has worked with vulnerable women would be suggesting some of those things.
My ability as a mother has never been in doubt and I definitely don't want this drama.
Thanks for the advice.
I need to remember what I like and enjoy it is at the stage where I can't even remember watching what I enjoy.
I hope you feel ready soon and thanks so much for the support

@Christmashappy

If you feel weak, ask yourself what a really strong person would do in your situation. Do this all the time. It's ok if you're not the strong person, just imagine what the strong person would do.

For example, if he says you're mad, you might think 'I'm not mad. Am I? Maybe I am mad? Oh god, what if he's right and everybody knows I'm mad except me..?' But a strong person would think 'Mad? Me? Get on, you stupid prat!'

The fundamental belief to hold onto is that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. I promise. There may be unusual things about you, ways that you do things differently from other people, ways that you look and/or feel peculiar to others, but everybody has stuff like that. And everybody has insecurities, and everybody has done things wrong.

Anybody can become the victim of a narcissist.

Whatever he tells you, you are not to blame.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas
I understand what you mean by the focus being on him but sometimes I need to do that because I have become so used to switching things on and off that I forget what he actually is.
A part of me can't quite compute that someone can be the way he is. This really helps me get clarity.
He often pointed out that I always see the good in people, so much so I missed all the bad in him.
I do feel bad for my kids and I really want to sort it.
I know when it's over I will breath a huge sigh of relief.
I am going to take the advice of starting self care and picturing my life without him.
I hope you are okay? X

If you don't live together the first thing to do is block him on everything. Tell someone in your real life to offer you support too. If you feel the urge to contact him come on here and post instead.

See I don't believe in blocking. Blocking is delegating your strength but you need to practice your strength yourself to build it. I think choosing to ignore someone ie not answer their call/look at their texts is much more powerful than blocking. It gives you control and you need to find your control. This is what I did to the narcissist in my life . I just stopped giving them air. But it was powerful to me, to choose that option each time rather than just block them like I'm afraid that they have any power over my thoughts and feelings. I decided to stop caring what they thought. I decided to stop fearing and stop appeasing and the only response they got...was tumbleweed. But, importantly they knew I could see they were trying to contact me and I was controlling the narrative by choosing to ignore. Much more powerful and effective than blocking.

@Eckhart
Thank you so much.
I have just started uni and I feel like if I don't sort this my future is going to be affected.
I need to remember who I was.
I really appreciate this, it helps me to think clearly when I read things like this x

These are the things that helped me to divorce my narcissistic, emotionally abusive STBEX (everyone's list will be different):

1. I invested in my mental health by finding an excellent therapist.
2. I journaled so I could look back and read how I felt when he was abusive towards me. You know, in case I forgot.
3. I started confiding in friends. Not everyone will be supportive - they are not your friends. You will find out who your true friends really are.
4. I read everything I could get my hands on - Mumsnet, Lundy's book "Why Does He Do That", Complex PTSD
5. I made myself leave the house daily, no matter how I felt. I went to the gym, or took a walk, or just sat in a park. It's hard to think clearly when your brain is in a fog.
6. I upped my antidepressant meds x 4, but only with my doctor's permission.
7. I briefly saw a psychiatrist who concluded that I'd been in crisis mode for an entire year since our marriage, and that none of the above would work unless I calmed my brain down. She gave me a supplemental med for anxiety which helped immensely! I'm off of them now.
8. Trust in yourself. This was the hardest for me, because I lost the ability to trust my inner voice along with my mental strength. Once I tapped back into that (baby steps) I was able to finally believe that I was worth more.
9. Trust the process. I immediately felt relief after ending things, but that only lasted maybe a week before I conveniently "forgot" the bed stuff and truly missed the person I thought he was. Newsflash: He was NEVER that person and he NEVER will be. He only played that part until I was hooked. But I persisted and didn't give in to the temptation of reaching out. I also refused to be friends because that's bullshit. I deleted him everywhere. What he thinks about me isn't my concern anymore.

I can honestly say that 1 month later, I wake up every morning and smile because I am free! I can be and do all the things that make me ME, without consequences. It's amazing how much free time I have now because I'm not wasting my time and energy taking care of him and his needs (ego). I feel relaxed and happy, and there is nothing about my XH that I miss. He added NOTHING to my life as it turns out.

You can do this!! Wishing you strength and love!! Above all else, be kind to yourself.

@Gilda152
I like that a lot. I think if I did block i would just unblock and the temptation would always be there.
I like the thought of control, it is what I need.
I am lacking control in every area of my life at the moment and I need to take it back:) x

I am way better than ok now, thanks. It was years ago. Two things which helped: setting aside a small time each day to think about him/us/if I'd done the right thing, and only thinking about that then. And noticing how most people I interacted with were nice to be. From the parents at the school gate who smiled and said hello as I passed, to the bank person who helped me get a credit card and seemed to think I was responsible enough to manage it despite me feeling someone would probably stop me at some point! The world suddenly seemed a less threatening place. And that left me happier to be fully myself with my DC.

What tempts you to him still, OP? Why would you be tempted to unblock if you blocked?

@dramalessllama
Thanks so much for sharing this with me I really appreciate it.
My brain is in a permanent fog and I am always debating in my head over the relationship as I always remember the "good times" but even in these times he was making videos for other people.
I then divert my feelings to that pain and it all snowballs.
Such a waste of time and energy.
He changed gradually over the years but I can see it all now.
He constantly needs his ego fed, through Facebook is a favourite of his.
I feel a huge sense of relief talking on here today and it has really helped.
Thank you so much Xxx

@Eckhart
That is a good question.
I have no idea, he offers me no comfort.
I would probably be curious about him moving on i suppose. I believe he already has someone in his sights, but why should I care x

@hypochondriacseveywhere
Thank you.
It is good to know that there is support here.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas
Thanks, that is really helpful.
At the moment I see the world as scary without him when in reality he is the problem in my life.
I really need to focus on me and my kids.
Thank you

I think it's easy to doubt that breaking up is the right thing to do. You have to think, "I'm frequently miserable, I have to give it a try." And then if you're giving it a proper try, you can't keep going back. You have to commit to, say, six months, and then see how you feel. In the mean time, you treat yourself well at every opportunity. You refuse to listen to him at all. (I like that suggestion of ignoring rather than blocking.) You reconnect with your own thoughts (took me months to unravel what I thought about things - I was so used to going along with his ideas that to begin with when I left I just chose what I knew he wouldn't like!).

When I was going through a break up ( nothing to do with narcissist) and feeling powerless over my emotions a friend said to me the next day to put the shower on as cold as it would go and get it in it. She said stay with it 20 seconds then turn it up warm and cosy. She said the first part teaches you tolerance for discomfort and the second part teaches you, you're in control and can choose to stay in the discomfort or move away from it, for the rest of the day. That's sets you up for control over your day. So something feels uncomfortable or upsetting, feel it, acknowledge it , then choose to move away from it to something better and that serves you. That's how you get in control of your feelings and reactions. And you take it day by day. It helped. 🙂

If you can work out which one of your weaknesses he's got his hooks into, you'll be able to unhook yourself.

One of the strongest things a strong person can do is to internally recognise and accept their weaknesses. It's a way of finding out where you need to strengthen your boundaries, so that twerps like him can't get to you.

It's the relationship equivalent of 'I can't resist chocolate, so I don't walk down that aisle in the shop'. You don't have to make the weaknesses stronger, you just learn how to manipulate circumstances in your favour.

I'm glad the thread is helping you. It's good to feel you're not all alone in this, right? I remember the feeling of isolation, and feeling I'd been such an idiot that nobody would understand. But once I started talking to people, there was so much support.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas
Thanks, I feel exactly the same about what I like.
He moans everytime I choose something, and can act almost child like.
He ruined my night when I chose a film at the cinema.
If it was a film.he liked i always got the wrong seats. It is so tiring.
I can't give it 6 months, he ruins Christmas and I can't face it.
I am giving it 4 weeks and that is it.
That is probably too much but it gives me time to start thinking of me and to get used to it.
I have tried to leave the last 2 weekends and he always talks me round.
Thank you