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Original poster

Bf doesn't know if he can accept my kids in the future

204 replies

physicspaper · 18/10/2020 02:50

So my bf of almost 2 years has said all along he doesn’t know if, when the time comes, he’ll be able to deal with my two kids (7 & 10). He’s never wanted children but didn’t seem to mind mine quite as much, I guess because they’re a little older and not babies/toddlers. At first I was fine with this but recently I’ve heard about his parents ribbing him about them and basically making fun. This has really upset me and I don’t know anymore if I want to continue this relationship.

I love him dearly and we get on really well and have an incredible sex life. He says there may come a point where he’ll be happy with the kids, when they can look after themselves, but he doesn’t know for sure. I don’t want to meet anyone else but I don’t know what to do for the best now. He’s fine with the kids when he’s here (we have a ldr of approx 225 miles) but he’s not a father figure and while I’m not looking for this exactly, there will be a time when I want us to live together which I guess will involve him being a dad of sorts.

We viewed houses for him to buy last week when I was at his (he still lives at home currently) and he said things like ‘you can all move in here with me’ and ‘there’s jobs around here for you’ but this evening when I’ve asked him outright what he sees for the future with us he says he doesn’t know. I know his parents approval is important to him and they’re really lovely people but I don’t like my kids/me being made fun of with terms such as surrogate grandchildren, even if it’s not to my face and is said in jest. When I ask him why they say these things he thinks it’s because they’re sad that they’ll never get their own grandkids. His parents have never met my kids and my bf says he thinks it would be very awkward if they did.

Not sure what to do from here really.

OP posts:
SendHelp30 · 18/10/2020 02:55

Honestly, you and your DC deserve much better OP.
The sex might be good but if he is non committal after 2 years I can’t see this lasting long term and I think you know that yourself deep down.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 18/10/2020 02:57

Its a tricky one because he won't actually know until he lives with them. And he might not find it easier as they get older (sorry). I say that because my DC were 11 and 13 when I met my ex. 2.5 years into the relationship he told me he couldn't stand them. Their relationship had deteriorated as they got older :(

FortunesFave · 18/10/2020 02:58

Because you've got children, you can't afford to risk what he might do to you.

I'd break up now. He's been clear. He's not 100% into it and that's bad when there are children involved. You cannot risk him being resentful of them if you did live together.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 18/10/2020 02:59

Unfortunately I agree with the other posters. Its not a risk I would take (again). Sorry

Original poster
physicspaper · 18/10/2020 03:04

I don't mind waiting it out so much as I'm not in a rush to meet anyone else and to live with someone. I had bit of a shit time at the end with my ex (kids dad) so it's put me off living with someone for a good while. When we were discussing the houses we'd viewed he said things like 'the kids can have single beds and they can go in that room' and pointed out a park at the end of one road and said how the kids would like it there, as well as saying how much more we could see each other as I'll be able to bring the kids up in half terms and holidays etc.

I can't help but wonder if it's his parents thoughts that are now making him unsure.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 18/10/2020 03:06

Any man that did not accept my child, that would be a no from me. We come as a package.

I would also be very wary of any emotional damage done to them, having a relationship with someone who gives not a fuck about them.

The attitude of his parents stinks too.

shamalidacdak · 18/10/2020 03:08

Run for the hills. This is a very bad sign. Good stepdads love the bones of the kids they've been lucky to inherit.

SD1978 · 18/10/2020 03:11

Sorry- but for me the answer would be seperate. He may/ may not decide your kids are ok. He may/ may not mind them when they are older, and this is after already knowing them. He either does/ doesn't now- not on the future. You may end up moving 225 miles away with a man who is currently ambivalent but may end up deciding to dislike your children. Bugger that. I wouldn't be investing any further time in this.

Anordinarymum · 18/10/2020 03:11

Will he be buying the house or are you both buying it OP?

TikTakTikTak · 18/10/2020 03:12

It's not like your children are going anywhere. Don't move them in with someone who doesn't like them already. I resent my parents for being with losers rather than being alone when I was a child.

Original poster
physicspaper · 18/10/2020 03:14

@Anordinarymum

Will he be buying the house or are you both buying it OP?
He's buying it himself, I wouldn't want to live with anyone atm even if the opportunity arose.
OP posts:
Original poster
physicspaper · 18/10/2020 03:17

He's actually fantastic with DD7. Not quite as much with DS10 although he does try to get him involved in things such as teaching him chess but DS has likely adhd/aspergers so is difficult at times and cannot sit still and talks incessantly, which I also find to be challenging at times.

OP posts:
CeeceeBloomingdale · 18/10/2020 03:23

Obviously children come first, always.

Are you sure they are being unkind? Is surrogate grandchildren not used in the sense they are a bonus they didn't expect if he doesn't want children of his own?

Is you partner very young and rather influenced by parents still?

FortunesFave · 18/10/2020 03:24

OP you're understandably trying to make excuses for him...by pointing out how he said "They can have their own rooms" you're trying to distract yourself from the fact that he has also said he is unsure about a future with you.

I would distance myself from him. It's not good enough...when you have children, you need someone who is 100% onboard and committed to you all.

Not just you...the kids' wellbeing must come first. Kids aren't daft. They know when they're not wanted.

AlternativePerspective · 18/10/2020 03:26

Sorry but I don’t get these posts from OP’s who say “he won’t accept my kids but I don’t want to end it because the sex is great.” Seriously where are your priorities?

IMO if you don’t end this you will have failed as a parent. But at least you’ll have a decent sex life eh?

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 18/10/2020 03:26

What did his parents say exactly ? Making a comment about ' surrogate grandchildren ' isn't bad at all........it's not as if they were being horrible. Confused they're probably wondering why on earth they haven't met them.

AlreadyGone44 · 18/10/2020 03:32

What do you want from the relationship? If you want to live together before your kids grow up and move out of home I don't think this is the right man for you. Not just because of his reaction to your kids, but also because it doesn't sound like he would move to your area and unless DC dad is NC with you than you can't move and honestly I wouldn't anyway, your kids need stability not to be uprooted. How would that work long term?
If you were both happy to stay long distance, see each other occasionally kid free than maybe. But be honest with yourself about what you really want and if that could possibly work. If its unworkable and you stay longer you're risking more hurt and a bad ending.

Original poster
physicspaper · 18/10/2020 03:32

@CeeceeBloomingdale

Obviously children come first, always.

Are you sure they are being unkind? Is surrogate grandchildren not used in the sense they are a bonus they didn't expect if he doesn't want children of his own?

Is you partner very young and rather influenced by parents still?

I don't know really, I asked how it was said and apparently his dad greatly exaggerated the word surrogate so I don't know if it was in a genuinely light ribbing way or in a 'kids you're taking on that we don't want' way. He told me earlier his mother said before I went up last week 'what if one day she turns up with the kids' and when I asked what tone it was said in he said it was in a jovial tone.

Yes he's 26, I'm 33 and I do wonder if sometimes he's a bit sensitive to what his parents think. Sometimes he feels he has to tell white lies to his parents for example with how much something that he's bought has cost - think of a husband telling his wife a part for a hobby cost £50 when it actually cost £200 - and I don't understand why he does this when it's his money that he's earned from his job.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 18/10/2020 03:33

So he's not a keeper after two years. A pity it took so long for you to find out OP but better to find out now before he does buy a house and expect you to move in knowing he may/may not commit to your children.
Shabby

Original poster
physicspaper · 18/10/2020 03:35

@AlternativePerspective

Sorry but I don’t get these posts from OP’s who say “he won’t accept my kids but I don’t want to end it because the sex is great.” Seriously where are your priorities?

IMO if you don’t end this you will have failed as a parent. But at least you’ll have a decent sex life eh?

That's wholly unfair - I merely said that following that I love him and that we get on really well. I wouldn't stay with someone just for great sex Hmm
OP posts:
Original poster
physicspaper · 18/10/2020 03:40

@AlreadyGone44

What do you want from the relationship? If you want to live together before your kids grow up and move out of home I don't think this is the right man for you. Not just because of his reaction to your kids, but also because it doesn't sound like he would move to your area and unless DC dad is NC with you than you can't move and honestly I wouldn't anyway, your kids need stability not to be uprooted. How would that work long term? If you were both happy to stay long distance, see each other occasionally kid free than maybe. But be honest with yourself about what you really want and if that could possibly work. If its unworkable and you stay longer you're risking more hurt and a bad ending.
Yes that has been on my mind that the kids would be uprooted if I was to move up there. There are much better opportunities in that area as opposed to where I live though and I also don't want to live where I do forever. I moved here with my ex, not overly far from home but far enough that I can't commute from there to work/kids school everyday, and I really dislike living here but I'm stuck here due to needing childcare for my kids when I'm in work which involves 24/7 shifts. Kids dad is a waste of space, hasn't had the kids once since I left him in 2018 and only gives me £200 a month towards them. Thinks he can make it up by buying them great gifts for Christmas/birthdays that I can't afford.
OP posts:
SBTLove · 18/10/2020 03:41

I think your ages might be the issue, he’s young to have a 10yr old child as such and is obviously very reliant on his parents, you’re both at very different stages in your life. I’d move on if I was you.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 18/10/2020 03:47

@SBTLove

I think your ages might be the issue, he’s young to have a 10yr old child as such and is obviously very reliant on his parents, you’re both at very different stages in your life. I’d move on if I was you.
I agree with this. My ex was too young to have teenagers, (hes only 12/13 years older than my eldest) which means he tried to act like their friend and ultimately wasn't mature enough to handle them.
Ninkanink · 18/10/2020 03:58

Don’t do it. Don’t move and uproot your children, don’t get embroiled financially.

Tbh I’d be cutting my losses at this point or at least dialling my emotional investment right back.

He’s far too young and isn’t in the right phase of life to match where you are. Doesn’t mean you can’t be in a relationship with him for as long as it stays good, but it does mean you need to keep your wits about you a bit for your children’s sakes.

Ninkanink · 18/10/2020 04:00

Or at least move because it’s right for you and the children and not to be nearer to him. Keep separate homes and keep a separate space emotionally for your little family unit.

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