Bf doesn't know if he can accept my kids in the future

[physicspaper]

So my bf of almost 2 years has said all along he doesn’t know if, when the time comes, he’ll be able to deal with my two kids (7 & 10). He’s never wanted children but didn’t seem to mind mine quite as much, I guess because they’re a little older and not babies/toddlers. At first I was fine with this but recently I’ve heard about his parents ribbing him about them and basically making fun. This has really upset me and I don’t know anymore if I want to continue this relationship.

I love him dearly and we get on really well and have an incredible sex life. He says there may come a point where he’ll be happy with the kids, when they can look after themselves, but he doesn’t know for sure. I don’t want to meet anyone else but I don’t know what to do for the best now. He’s fine with the kids when he’s here (we have a ldr of approx 225 miles) but he’s not a father figure and while I’m not looking for this exactly, there will be a time when I want us to live together which I guess will involve him being a dad of sorts.

We viewed houses for him to buy last week when I was at his (he still lives at home currently) and he said things like ‘you can all move in here with me’ and ‘there’s jobs around here for you’ but this evening when I’ve asked him outright what he sees for the future with us he says he doesn’t know. I know his parents approval is important to him and they’re really lovely people but I don’t like my kids/me being made fun of with terms such as surrogate grandchildren, even if it’s not to my face and is said in jest. When I ask him why they say these things he thinks it’s because they’re sad that they’ll never get their own grandkids. His parents have never met my kids and my bf says he thinks it would be very awkward if they did.

Not sure what to do from here really.

He's not the man for you. Too young. You need to prioritise your children now. Call it off before you become even more enmeshed. Just because you don't want to live with someone now is no excuse for putting up with someone who doesn't feel joy at the thought of YOUR kids until there's an actual catalyst for change. It's been two years. Don't waste your time further. I know you love him so it's easier said than done but, honestly, from the outside - reading what you've written in all your posts - the writing is on the wall and the next step is clear as day. Be single and when you're ready, look for a guy who's better suited to you and your children. You're a package.

Surely you know that 26 year old men are for the most part not looking to become fathers to 10 year olds! Most men wait till 31 to have a first child presumably because they don't feel ready to go for it sooner. I'd be amazed if your young man sees being a part of your family as part of his future, so it may be time to let him go.

He has no intention of uprooting his life for you.

I don't know what the question is here tbh. Your kids come first surely and if after this amount of time he's fucking about I honesty don't know why you're wasting your time.

I get you are invested emotionally but to me this would be a rejection of my children and I couldn't condone that. Certainly not for the sake of a good shag.

Speaking as someone who has been the child in this situation, please believe this man when he says (not literally but through this actions) that he's not interested in you and your children as a package at this time. My mother married a man who had no idea how to act around a child and had no interest whatsoever in trying and to be honest our relationship has never recovered from it.

Especially when the step-children are older I don't believe that trying to find a partner who'll love their step-children as their own is realistic, but you at least want someone who understands that making a commitment to a parent is to make a commitment to their children and I don't think this man is quite in that frame of mind. Whether he'll get there or not I can't say as I don't know him but please think very carefully before proceeding.

I think your BF is rather immature by the sounds of it! Some 26 year olds may be able to take on other peoples children but they are rare I think! Maybe let him go and look for someone else

Don't do it. My XH got on really really well with my kids when they were young and happily took on step parenting; was really engaged and loved doing things with them. Once they hit the awkward teenage years and started talking back and being confrontational when asked to do things - he was out.

Teenagers are hard when they are your own. When they aren't, it can really strain bonds.

He's not necessarily immature. He doesn't want to father a ten year old, which seems normal to me at his age.

The OP is the parent and if anyone is weak it's her, in not having broken off this relationship ages ago.

@Mummyoflittledragon can you explain to me the boundary issues I may have please as I genuinely don't know what they are.

Thanks for all your replies, I know it would be best to cut my losses but as you've all picked up, I'm really emotionally invested in this guy and he just gets me like nobody else ever has therefore I'm finding it extremely difficult to do even though I know I probably should.

Your lack of self respect in your last reply screams boundary issues. This man is not good for you & definitely does not "get you" the way you think he does when he has no interest in what should be the most important thing in your life. I think that's probably what mummy means

If he gets you then your kids would be included. Do not put your feelings for him before your DC.

Way too emeshed with his parents I think. He sounds fairly immature - I’d say goodbye as hard as that is.

@SingingInTheShithouse

Your lack of self respect in your last reply screams boundary issues. This man is not good for you & definitely does not "get you" the way you think he does when he has no interest in what should be the most important thing in your life. I think that's probably what mummy means

Thanks Singing love your name btw . This is what I meant. I also don’t think he gets you the way you think he does. If he really does get you like you think, why would he cause you so much pain?

@SingingInTheShithouse

Your lack of self respect in your last reply screams boundary issues. This man is not good for you & definitely does not "get you" the way you think he does when he has no interest in what should be the most important thing in your life. I think that's probably what mummy means

Following a google I understand it now. I'm really naive when it comes to this kind of thing sorry. How do I go about working on this? I've suffered as long as I can remember with confidence issues and I've always been super hard on myself.

he just gets me
Are you saying that you also deep down would prefer not to be a parent?

Don't be sorry psycic I think a lot of us have been there, it isn't your fault, it's just how it is for a few possible reasons. I was that way myself. After a particularly destruct relationship with a narcissist, I saw a counsellor, ironically because they'd left me feeling like I was the problem, I wasn't bar my boundaries were skewed. Counselling helped me see why I allowed that, in my case as the counsellor put it, my childhood foundations were built on sand, so good solid relationship foundations were alien to me & I was subconsciously attracted to guys who provide what I knew & my skewed boundaries meant I let them get away with stuff I really shouldn't have until it became ridiculous. I haven't looked back since & have been very happily married for over 20;years to a man who I always thought too "nice" for me as I only attracted arseholes

@Sarahsah4r4

he just gets me Are you saying that you also deep down would prefer not to be a parent?

No no I mean with my quirky ways. We always joke that I'm exactly like Sheldon from TBBT. I'm quite sure I have aspergers and I do struggle to be a mother (and father) a lot and sometimes find it difficult to cope but I try my hardest to give my kids the best which I never had growing up. I've just started SSRI's for a separate condition (not depression/anxiety) so I'm hoping these will help things and maybe help my self worth too.

Thanks mummy it's a song my lovely old nana used to sing & I can hear her singing it every time I sign in 😂

The ASD thing is VERY relevant here. I realise I am too & it's definitely played its part in my trusting people & situations because I was gullible.

@SingingInTheShithouse

Don't be sorry psycic I think a lot of us have been there, it isn't your fault, it's just how it is for a few possible reasons. I was that way myself. After a particularly destruct relationship with a narcissist, I saw a counsellor, ironically because they'd left me feeling like I was the problem, I wasn't bar my boundaries were skewed. Counselling helped me see why I allowed that, in my case as the counsellor put it, my childhood foundations were built on sand, so good solid relationship foundations were alien to me & I was subconsciously attracted to guys who provide what I knew & my skewed boundaries meant I let them get away with stuff I really shouldn't have until it became ridiculous. I haven't looked back since & have been very happily married for over 20;years to a man who I always thought too "nice" for me as I only attracted arseholes

That's really positive I'm glad it worked so well for you I think counselling would really help me as well but it's the affordability side of it I'm concerned about, I could probably start but it would be the carrying on I'm worried about financially. And I couldn't be bothered for a fight with the GP for it as well as the long waiting times, even without covid being a factor.

Please let this boy go back to his mummy and daddy, OP.
Get out there and look for a man.

Ideally, wait till your children leave home before moving anyone in - that's just a general thing, not specific to you or your dp.

The current one - he's willing to say things that will hurt you and your children. You don't want him and you certainly don't need him.

@SingingInTheShithouse I am awfully gullible also. I don't 'get' jokes that are obvious and I don't know how to take people a lot of the time.

the phrase 'he just gets me' suggests that he understands you as a whole and complete person but what you actually mean is that relates to some of your quirks...that he gets some aspects of your personality
Is that a reason to be so heavily emotionally invested in him that you don't care that he wants to disregard your children?

PsycicLook up "wellbeing service" in your area. Presuming you are in the UK, you can self refer through their website for free counselling. My friend had his ASD diagnosed by them too & help provided to understand that. Honestly you deserve better & you can have it too x

@SingingInTheShithouse

Thanks mummy it's a song my lovely old nana used to sing & I can hear her singing it every time I sign in 😂

That’s brilliant

@SingingInTheShithouse thank you very much. I can't seem to find anything on this for my area but I'll keep looking, I am in the UK but in a part which is underfunded and where services are pretty bloody shit.