Bf doesn't know if he can accept my kids in the future

[physicspaper]

So my bf of almost 2 years has said all along he doesn’t know if, when the time comes, he’ll be able to deal with my two kids (7 & 10). He’s never wanted children but didn’t seem to mind mine quite as much, I guess because they’re a little older and not babies/toddlers. At first I was fine with this but recently I’ve heard about his parents ribbing him about them and basically making fun. This has really upset me and I don’t know anymore if I want to continue this relationship.

I love him dearly and we get on really well and have an incredible sex life. He says there may come a point where he’ll be happy with the kids, when they can look after themselves, but he doesn’t know for sure. I don’t want to meet anyone else but I don’t know what to do for the best now. He’s fine with the kids when he’s here (we have a ldr of approx 225 miles) but he’s not a father figure and while I’m not looking for this exactly, there will be a time when I want us to live together which I guess will involve him being a dad of sorts.

We viewed houses for him to buy last week when I was at his (he still lives at home currently) and he said things like ‘you can all move in here with me’ and ‘there’s jobs around here for you’ but this evening when I’ve asked him outright what he sees for the future with us he says he doesn’t know. I know his parents approval is important to him and they’re really lovely people but I don’t like my kids/me being made fun of with terms such as surrogate grandchildren, even if it’s not to my face and is said in jest. When I ask him why they say these things he thinks it’s because they’re sad that they’ll never get their own grandkids. His parents have never met my kids and my bf says he thinks it would be very awkward if they did.

Not sure what to do from here really.

You want different things and he’s not 100% committed to a life with you and your children. It really won’t work, not least because his parents’ view will influence him. Cut your losses and find someone who has their own children or is willing to accept yours wholeheartedly.

Your relationship with DC is forever. You and your DC are a package deal. And it's so very very important that your children see you are making them the priority.

FWIW, I was raised by a single mom who, time after time, accepted this mediocrity from men - some embraced us while others kept their distance. It wasn't ever my mom who was setting the expectations, she was taking the lead from them - which shows a lack in confidence at the very least. At the worst, which was the true lingering outcome, is it showed us she didn't love us as much as she loved (insert guy here). I'm 37 and am only just softening to her after years of being estranged for exactly this reason. 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP I think he's told you everything clearly already, it's just your choosing not to hear it. He's stated from the start he isn't sure he can accept the kids, his parents are 'feeling sad' they'll not have grandkids. He doesn't want his parents to meet your kids because it would be 'awkward'. So how the hell would any of that work if you moved in together? The truth is it wouldn't, and I think he's just throwing you the odd bone with comments about visiting and the kids having their own rooms. Potentially he does just need time to come round to the idea. But do you really want to hang about waiting on him to decide?

My DH was raised by an indifferent step father. It ruined his relationship with his mother. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

I wouldn’t worry about the grandparents comments, I’m not sure why your BF told you anyway. I think that it’s your bf insecurity I don’t think his parents would find it awkward meeting your children why would they?

I personally think he may like you but not enough. Someone who likes you has to accept the bad and the good (even if that’s not how you had actually planned). I couldn’t settle with someone who couldn’t accept my kids.

Although he’s only young 26 he could feel different in 5 years time.

Yeah, you do know really.

Your kids aren't teenagers yet - they're probably still quite reasonable human beings. You've got about 3 years max before the older one hits teen proper, and although you might be one of the lucky ones, chances are they'll be a proper Kevin.

If he's not sure about it now, that will probably tip the balance - so I'd cut your losses now and leave him to it.

He is 26, way too young and he already told you at the beginning he might not get on with your children. You really should have listened then and moved on. However, its 2 years down the line and you have tried to make a go of it. Being a step parent and going into a blended family is extremely difficult and add the fact that one of your children could possibly be ADHD then I fear your OH may not have the life skills to deal with this. He hasn't even lived a life of his own yet being cosseted in his parents home still. Its not your fault its just the wrong man and wrong timing. I would walk away before more time passes. He is not the man for you and definitely not the man to help raise your children. The teenage years are the most difficult you will face.....they strain even the strongest of partnerships.

Cut you ties op, at 33 you are in your prime. No way should a man come before your kids.
Saying that I can understand it from his point of view too. I adore my own kids, I care for and respect the children I teach, but I have very little tolerance for children outside of those circles and I know I would make a terrible step parent. He is telling you it isn’t for him, believe him.

The old phrase "when someone shows you who they are - believe them" springs to mind. He doesn't see them as part of his family. If he was thinking of them long term he'd be making them part of his life. He isn't. If he was to sit down and make a list of the pros and cons of your relationship they would be seen as a con. Do you really want to be with someone who at best will tolerate your children?

In 5 years time he may be at a different stage if his life and see them differently. But I wouldn't spend the next 5 years waiting to see if that happened and putting my children through that.

If he's not sure when they are the ages they are now, when they are easy and fun to be around. He's going to be really unsure when they become teenagers and become a lot more challenging. Because most teenagers are challenging.
I would cut your losses and walk. I'm sorry.

Put your children first and move on OP. He was only 24 when you got together so he's unlikely to change his mind and your children shouldn't be used to see if he does.

I would NEVER be with someone who felt that way and I struggle to understand anyone that would

@awesmum

If he's not sure when they are the ages they are now, when they are easy and fun to be around. He's going to be really unsure when they become teenagers and become a lot more challenging. Because most teenagers are challenging. I would cut your losses and walk. I'm sorry.

I as going to say exactly this.

Kids first always. Always.

Your Bf is still young and sounds like he hasn't lived alone or 'grown up' yet. He's not mature enough to take on your DC.

BIL was with a gorgeous woman for 4 years. He loved her. PIL loved her. His DC loved her. His DC loved her DC.... but he himself couldn't really take to her DC. Everything was fine while they were living separately but she wanted them to go to the next stage and live together. After a lot of heartbreak BIL called it a day. He knew that he couldn't pretend 24/7.

The moral of the story? However hard you try and want to feel differently sometimes you can't.

@CeeceeBloomingdale

Obviously children come first, always.

Are you sure they are being unkind? Is surrogate grandchildren not used in the sense they are a bonus they didn't expect if he doesn't want children of his own?

Is you partner very young and rather influenced by parents still?

I thought the same. I doubt his parents were making fun of your children, just stating a fact in a lighthearted way.

It's a good thing you are in no hurry to move in together - you may never live together. It's possible the relationship will continue as it is with each of you in your own houses - very civilised.

When he looked at houses and talked about rooms for the children, etc, he was probably thinking of when you visit. Presumably, at the moment, you don't all go and stay at his parents - you said they hadn't met your children.

Your boyfriend is too young to be thinking of taking on your children anyway; at the moment he says he doesn't want any children - not unusual for a single chap in his mid twenties with his whole life ahead of him - but give him a few years and he might.

I know you love him and all that but we can fall in love with more than one person in a life time. Consider the possibility that this man is not for you, for keeps. You've had one big break up, don't risk another.

If you are happy just dating this man and keeping that separate from your children, there is nothing wrong with that. He shouldn’t be a significant figure in their lives though. You could happily just date indefinitely.

If you want a partner, living together, etc, this is not the man for you.

@Terrace58

If you are happy just dating this man and keeping that separate from your children, there is nothing wrong with that. He shouldn’t be a significant figure in their lives though. You could happily just date indefinitely.

If you want a partner, living together, etc, this is not the man for you.

This too.

Agree that you are at different stages. At 26 I didn't want children either.

He is telling you what he wants or rather doesn't want so if I were you I would listen.

I also agree with awesomemum. Children change exponentially between 10 and 13. You aren’t going to need childcare for many more years. However, if your dcs are happy where they are, I would stay for a while at least.

If you are going to move, ideally you would do it relatively soon for secondary. I’d say not to move after the start of school year 8 so that your eldest can become adjusted to the school, has time to pick his options in year 9 etc. I also would not move into a house with this guy. If you want to move to his area, my take would be to ensure you can do it and be independently happy there. Do remember the grass can often be greener before reality hits.

Ultimately I think you’d be better to cut your losses before you waste any time on him and be single for a while. This guy sounds very very immature and overly embroiled with his parents. By all accounts he hasn’t yet cut the apron strings. The space away from him will either then bring you back together, him having matured or give you time to reflect on all the things wrong in the relationship.

The fact that you are not willing to do this says to me you may have some boundary issues yourself, which others on the thread have picked up on.

You should of left the minute he said he didn’t know if he could take on your kids. This isn’t the man for you.

He’s told you that he doesn’t want to be a father to your children and doesn’t want his own parents involved either.
I don’t know how much clearer he can be.
If this isn’t what you want, move on.

I wouldn't read too much into him saying things that make you think he'll accommodate the kids in his decisions when buying the house. I think this is more to try and hook you in.

I had an ex (note the ex) who did this, 'ohhh I can see me you and the dc on holiday' or 'the kids could share this room, bunk beds' it was all bullshit, he'd also say he didn't want kids and didn't know if he could live with mine. Are these comments after a minor hiccup by any chance?

Put your kids first, 100%. 💐

I think he sounds like a very sensible and honest man.

He’s only 26 and he had already decided that parenthood wasn’t his life choice. He met you and obviously cares a great deal about you or he’d have run for the hills at the first mention of children.

He’s been totally honest with you in telling you that he may not be able to cope with becoming a stepdad figure in the future....I can’t see what he’s done wrong there tbh.

He’s saved up a deposit for a house so he’s obviously sensible financially and he is considering your DC and involving you in the viewings.

I don’t get why some people here seem to think this poor guy is a monster!

I think you’re overthinking the ‘surrogate’ comment. If his parents have concerns then they’re perfectly entitled to, he’s their son.

If you’re content with things as they are now then just let it flow and see what happens.

If it’s just a dating thing you’re ok. But if this is going to be a proper relationship then I think you’d be best moving on to someone who will love your kids. They deserve to be loved and wanted, not tolerated. Your boyfriend sounds really young and immature. His parents sound like they don’t trust him to make decisions for himself, so they try to sway his opinion by making sarcastic comments about your children. It sounds like the comments are working. Do you really want to waste your time on these people?

Boyfriend is probably enjoying the sex but doesn’t love you. If he loved you, he’d know how important the kids are.

I also think the issue here is his age, he’s so much younger than you and I can understand why his parents were teasing him about being step father to two kids who are seven and ten.

You’re at very different life stages, it’s also a long distance relationship, so I’m not sure how much time you realistically spend together to be able to build a relationship?

It sounds like he is confused also, you’ve got a lot of complexity here, distance, your age differences, different levels of maturity, different life goals, and your children.

Your upset at his parents teasing him I think has possibly brought to the surface what you already knew, but has now forced you to address.

I think unless you can all build a relationship without living together, ie spending two or three nights a week together, doing things together, as is the common relationship escalation, then it’s very hard for you both to know if this could work, and of course you’d have to give up a lot, to go rent in his location, basically on a gamble,

What you can’t do is go from ldr to moving in with him, moving the kids in, you need to transition, but I’m not sure ultimately he wants you all to move in.