Bf doesn't know if he can accept my kids in the future

[physicspaper]

So my bf of almost 2 years has said all along he doesn’t know if, when the time comes, he’ll be able to deal with my two kids (7 & 10). He’s never wanted children but didn’t seem to mind mine quite as much, I guess because they’re a little older and not babies/toddlers. At first I was fine with this but recently I’ve heard about his parents ribbing him about them and basically making fun. This has really upset me and I don’t know anymore if I want to continue this relationship.

I love him dearly and we get on really well and have an incredible sex life. He says there may come a point where he’ll be happy with the kids, when they can look after themselves, but he doesn’t know for sure. I don’t want to meet anyone else but I don’t know what to do for the best now. He’s fine with the kids when he’s here (we have a ldr of approx 225 miles) but he’s not a father figure and while I’m not looking for this exactly, there will be a time when I want us to live together which I guess will involve him being a dad of sorts.

We viewed houses for him to buy last week when I was at his (he still lives at home currently) and he said things like ‘you can all move in here with me’ and ‘there’s jobs around here for you’ but this evening when I’ve asked him outright what he sees for the future with us he says he doesn’t know. I know his parents approval is important to him and they’re really lovely people but I don’t like my kids/me being made fun of with terms such as surrogate grandchildren, even if it’s not to my face and is said in jest. When I ask him why they say these things he thinks it’s because they’re sad that they’ll never get their own grandkids. His parents have never met my kids and my bf says he thinks it would be very awkward if they did.

Not sure what to do from here really.

Errr that would be a big fat get stuffed from me! My child comes first every single time!

@SingingInTheShithouse

Sunshine I think you missed the point of that post, it needs to be taken in context with the rest of the conversation between myself & the OP. She isn't self absorbed & putting her kids second to herself, or why post at all🤷‍♀️ She's simply considering that there's reasons as to why her confidence in situations like this isn't as high as it should be

I didn't miss the point at all as I clearly was responding to the self worth part of the post.

All of your posts are all about you OP. Where do your children come in your list of priorities?
All of the posts suggesting you put them first seem to fall on deaf ears as you post another reason you want to stay with him.

I think you are in two very different phases and that isn’t going to change for a very long time. I think he is being as honest as he can be in the situation but unfortunately his feelings aren’t compatible with where you are in life.

It sounds like you have a lot of work to do on yourself and this boy is a distraction because he fulfils certain needs but fails in a fundamental understanding of where you are and how your children are a part of your life.

I think you’ve been trying to make this puzzle of a relationship work but it’s become increasingly obvious that it can’t. His parents really aren’t the issue, his lack of appreciation of your responsibility as a parent, is.
Your kids aren’t an option and you really shouldn’t pursue a relationship with someone who views them as such.

I met my boyfriend when he was 24 and I was 35 with a 7 and 10 year old. It started as a fling but he ended up sticking around and it's been 6.5 years now.

He's not a 'stepdad' to my now teenage kids, he is just mum's boyfriend. I won't say there's never been any bumps in the road, but largely they get on well and are fond of each other. My kids have an involved dad who they see 50% of the time though.

Have you actually talked with him about what his fears are? Would you even want him to be 'stepdad'?

@physicspaper - fair play, you've got some issues with poor parenting examples from your own parents, low self worth because of this (and maybe other things), possible ASD diagnosis.

Now stop and think about your children as though you were them - as a child of you, would you want you to stay with someone who can't deal with them or relate to them, and who would never be a decent father figure to them? Or, would you (as a child of you) prefer to find a man who COULD be a decent father figure, and partner, who could give child-you a better example than you had from your own parents?

I know you love him etc. but think about what you have wanted your mother to do. And then do the right thing for your children.

You are right, of course I would want someone who would love them unconditionally. But what if I never find that person? The answer is they'd be happier with just me as opposed to someone who isn't quite as bothered isn't it.

It's sad really as I left the kids' dad because he was a waste of time and didn't give a shit and I didn't want them to grow up living with a dad like mine now it seems I'm doing the same. I really need some help

It’s a gamble OP. You still have time to move on and meet someone else. You can’t stay with someone who isn’t right for you just out of fear of not meeting anybody else. Have you spoken to your BF?

Yes we spoke about it at length the night I put this post up. He's been honest all along on this situation so I'm the one to blame for continuing it. He has often told me he feels as if he's holding me back from meeting someone who could genuinely love them and make a home with them and I've been ok with this all along because it's similar to what a recent pp said where he's my boyfriend rather than a dad figure but of course the distance between us makes this more difficult than a close by relationship.

@JudyGemstone

I met my boyfriend when he was 24 and I was 35 with a 7 and 10 year old. It started as a fling but he ended up sticking around and it's been 6.5 years now.

He's not a 'stepdad' to my now teenage kids, he is just mum's boyfriend. I won't say there's never been any bumps in the road, but largely they get on well and are fond of each other. My kids have an involved dad who they see 50% of the time though.

Have you actually talked with him about what his fears are? Would you even want him to be 'stepdad'?

I think his fears are that he's never wanted kids, doesn't like other kids (to be fair I'm the same) but he doesn't mind mine. I'm not looking for a stepdad as such but then in another way I am looking for someone I'd want to live close to or maybe even live with in years to come.

I'm glad it worked out for you with your younger man, did he always live near you?

How have you conducted this LDR to date?
How did you meet and decide a LDR was appropriate?

He was 24 living at home with his parents - did you go to stay at his parents with him?

Or did he always come to yours?

I would look at everything that he says his parents say as his words - this is what he wants to say to you directly and can’t.

The surrogate comment is odd - has he told his parents HE doesn’t want DC? Why would it be awkward to meet your DCs? The comment about you just turning up with them.

The house buying seems to be the crunch point - he is v clearly buying it alone - you and your boys don’t feature in his future.

I wonder if once he has his own independent space he won’t need to escape his parents house and come to yours?

Seems you want the RS to progress to living together as a family unit and he doesn’t.

Do you di family days out / family holidays with him already?

I know he's a grown man but he is only 26 and only now moving out of his parents home. I don't think that he will be around much longer despite what he says. I agree that I would only be with someone who accepted my children and treated them well.

Physicspaper

Oh what a dream. Your children get to share their lives with someone who "doesn't mind them". How blessed they are. What could possibly go wrong?

OP you are trying to convince yourself that a Square peg is a good fit for a round hole

What if you never find someone who can love them unconditionally?

So instead you go for someone who could potentially damage them!

When you have kids sometimes you have to give up something you would like in life for the sake of your dc not being hurt.

If he's lived at home until the age of 26, he's going to find life without mum and dad cushioning the bills, repairs and general drudgery of housework hard. Putting children, and the stress that they bring, into the mix, is a recipe for a sudden and hurtful end to the relationship.

I 'm not sure that you can ever find a partner who will love your children unconditionally, as you do. I thought I had, but he couldn't handle them as they got older.

Well at least he's being honest...

I wouldn't stay because this wouldn't be what I wanted for my children but I don't think he's an arse. He doesn't want to be a Dad to your children, that's up to him. If you're not happy with that then absolutely you should move on.

He doesn't sound like a bad person tbh. He's just at a different stage of life and I actually think he has his own issues...he says he doesn't want kids..that's fine, but I suspect he's in a relationship with you, 7 years older and with kids, because women his own age would most likely want their own kids.

Looking at your relationship;

LDR
Your kids
Your ages

All of this strongly indicates he doesn't really want a commitment. Which is okay at his age, but most people would want to see their OH more and consider the distance as a dealbreaker.

He's not a bad person and neither are you.

But what if I never find that person?

Then you stay single.

Another thing I don't understand and think really needs to be discussed and dare I say promoted more, being single IS an option and a perfectly valid and acceptable and even desirable one!

We need to stop making girls and women feel they HAVE to be in a relationship to have validity.

You do need help op. But you're getting help here and can possibly access help in real life too (I know this is far from easy)

Not necessarily by choice as such but I've been single as far as my dds concerned her whole childhood.

I've dated but all but one of the people I dated I didn't feel was special enough to take things to the next level.

One had potential but I dated him in our early 30's, I had dd but couldn't have more dc, he had no dc of his own and ultimately decided he did want that and so we reached an impasse really and sadly decided to split.

As time went on to be honest we were very happy just the 2 of us and while it was fun to date I never really met anyone I'd have wanted to live with or make dd live with.

She's now left home and I'm not dating at the moment as I'm not well, but it honestly doesn't bother me. Maybe I'll meet someone when I'm doing better but even now without dd to consider it would have to be someone very very special to make me give up my independence and all the benefits of being single.

@JudyGemstone your post makes me very uncomfortable to be honest, I wonder if in later years your dc will query your assessment of the situation. It doesn't sound healthy or comfortable for your dc

I also agree that ops bar is worryingly low re a man who "won't mind them" children deserve people in their lives who love them, accept them warts and all and treat them well

I have several people in my circle who either are stepdads or had stepdads, the quality varies but it's absolutely possible and desirable for a step dad to be someone who feels privileged to be part of the family and loves and cares for the dc as if they were their own.

One family I know the dad and stepdad together walked the dd down the aisle on her wedding day as she couldn't imagine omitting either one and the 2 dads got along very well, they even socialised together outside of family events.

And actually a good stepdad makes life so much easier for mum too.

A poor one, even just "disinterested" means there is tension, arguments, "sides" being taken...

So much more stressful and energy sapping for you op

@physicspaper

You are right, of course I would want someone who would love them unconditionally. But what if I never find that person? The answer is they'd be happier with just me as opposed to someone who isn't quite as bothered isn't it.

It's sad really as I left the kids' dad because he was a waste of time and didn't give a shit and I didn't want them to grow up living with a dad like mine now it seems I'm doing the same. I really need some help

Well no, you're not because you are not living with your boyfriend, so your children just see him as a friend.

It sounds as though you might like a permanent mate in the future but at the moment, you don't mind living without one. There are definite advantages to not having a partner but I do feel that if you continue with your current long distance relationship, you will become more emotionally involved and end up being very hurt.

That's awful for you. I'm sorry but no man should get involved with a mother unless he has taken on board her children will always be in her life and a big part of his too. So basically if you don't want kids then find someone on the same page.

Your children are not just children. They are incredibly important and should be treated with full love and respect. You should t accept two years on that he's not sure about them. That's just shitty.

I couldn't love any man who didn't enjoy being around my kids. He wouldn't have to replace their dad as they have a good dad. But he would have to be good with them and cheerful around them.

I’m in a different but relevant situation.

Single dad of three (2.5, 4.5 and 7). I have them three days a week. Girlfriend (together a couple of years, complicated situation but that’s another story) had always said she didn’t want kids and wanted to get to know mine. She met my kids a few months ago and things were going great, and we were planning to buy a house together (to the stage of having an offer accepted).

Then two weeks ago she told me she’s decided she wants a child of her own - which would be somewhat tricky as I’ve had the snip, though it can be reversed - but also that she doesn’t want to be stepmum to my kids. So we ended it.

I’m still distraught, but reading this thread has been helpful. If she’s not fully committed to my kids then she isn’t the one, and staying together now would just lead to an even more painful breakup along the line.

None of this is easy, is it? I would echo previous posters and just say put your kids first to the exclusion of all else.

Don’t beat yourself up, op. Relationships build gradually, and lots of people ignore things that aren’t ideal until they get really serious. At the end of the day your kids are your life, and if he’s not 100% behind them he’s not the one for you. To be fair to him, plenty of people don’t want kids and he was honest about it but now things are serious it’s time to move on. That being said plenty of blokes would want them! So chin up and move on without bitterness

@Graphista

Another thing I don't understand and think really needs to be discussed and dare I say promoted more, being single IS an option and a perfectly valid and acceptable and even desirable one!

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. Being single may be desirable to you, but I certainly wouldn't say it's an option to promote or for that matter be against.

It's a very natural human desire to want love, companionship and everything else that you can get from an intimate relationship.

We need to stop making girls and women feel they HAVE to be in a relationship to have validity.

But it's not just females who want to be in relationships. Men also want to be in relationship s...and nobody has to be in one..... no matter what their gender.

This really is a case of what any individual desires.

I don't think Graphista was arguing that there was anything wrong with wanting to be in a relationship, just that being single can be a good option and shouldn't be viewed with horror or fear. Being in a relationship is great when it works, but settling for a poor one out of fear of being alone is not.

Women tend to do well single. I read somewhere that single women and married men have the best outcomes statistically in terms of health and happiness.