Bf doesn't know if he can accept my kids in the future

[physicspaper]

So my bf of almost 2 years has said all along he doesn’t know if, when the time comes, he’ll be able to deal with my two kids (7 & 10). He’s never wanted children but didn’t seem to mind mine quite as much, I guess because they’re a little older and not babies/toddlers. At first I was fine with this but recently I’ve heard about his parents ribbing him about them and basically making fun. This has really upset me and I don’t know anymore if I want to continue this relationship.

I love him dearly and we get on really well and have an incredible sex life. He says there may come a point where he’ll be happy with the kids, when they can look after themselves, but he doesn’t know for sure. I don’t want to meet anyone else but I don’t know what to do for the best now. He’s fine with the kids when he’s here (we have a ldr of approx 225 miles) but he’s not a father figure and while I’m not looking for this exactly, there will be a time when I want us to live together which I guess will involve him being a dad of sorts.

We viewed houses for him to buy last week when I was at his (he still lives at home currently) and he said things like ‘you can all move in here with me’ and ‘there’s jobs around here for you’ but this evening when I’ve asked him outright what he sees for the future with us he says he doesn’t know. I know his parents approval is important to him and they’re really lovely people but I don’t like my kids/me being made fun of with terms such as surrogate grandchildren, even if it’s not to my face and is said in jest. When I ask him why they say these things he thinks it’s because they’re sad that they’ll never get their own grandkids. His parents have never met my kids and my bf says he thinks it would be very awkward if they did.

Not sure what to do from here really.

Agree that it’s good he’s been honest but I totally disagree with comments that he needs to live with the to know whether he can care about them.

He’s just bought a house on his own. I think that’s a clear sign of where he sees his life right now.

Very sad comment that it would be ‘really awkward’ for his parents to meet your children - did you ask why? Have you met them?

You can keep dating but I don’t see any chance of him becoming the father figure you might want. It feels like you met at the wrong time, I’m afraid,

26 really is very young to be taking on someone else's children and he doesn't sound like a particularly mature 26. Sorry op.

It all comes down to what you want from your relationship i think. Many a woman comes out of a marriage and actually doesn't want a full on "dad" for their kids from their next relationship. And if that's you then that's fine because that's not what he wants to give you. If you do want him to be more involved and active as a father figure then that's not what he's giving you, so it's got to be the end.

Overridingly whatever you decide you need to keep your dcs at the forefront of the decision. Even if you were happy to accept he'll never be very involved with them, how might that impact them? Also they pick up on things strongly at their ages, do you want to be modelling this kind of relationship dynamic as being normal? Where you settle for what you can get even though it's not entirely what you want?

It's a hard one. I'd like to think in your situation i would cut my losses.

What everyone else has said really. He sounds like a nice cap, he’s been honest with you. I think you need to stop seeing him mainly because he’s not going to be good for your kids. I also think at 26 he’s too young to be taking on the step dad role to pre-teens, that wouldn’t be fair on him. He needs to leave home, live his life have fun and then, when he’s ready, have his own kids, if he wants them. I’m sorry if that’s harsh but I think you know it’s true. I’d be teasing him too if I was his parents, tbh.

I'd be gone to be honest. I would never let anyone say anything negative about my children whether in a jovial way or not. You don't like/can't handle my kids? Then we can't be in a relationship.

He is at least being honest in his attitude. Many would lie. Am more worried that a "mature" man does not have a stance of his own but needs constant validation from his parents. He is good in other ways and sec is great. Now think about what's very important to you. A man who understands and accepts you and your kids come as a package and who has independence from his parents or someone who is good in the sack? Btw, assuming you are in UK, am sure he is not the only good-in-bed and lovely man in the isles. If so cast the net wider. Your kids will not disappear overnight. His uncertainty, having lasted this long, will not disappear overnight. His parents and their hold over him will not disappear overnight

You don't know what to do?
It's quite straightforward.
You prioritise your children.

Either dump him or keep things very casual and keep him away from your children.

There are so many threads on here by women who have moved men in who go on to treat the children like shit and it's heartbreaking. You have an advantage here because you haven't moved him in and entangled finances etc.

His age and life stage is very relevant here.

You are at different stages, add in his reluctance to have children (yet) and the long distance then you are storing up issues.

Love doesn't conquer all. You need to make grown up decisions based on your children's best interests. This won't work.

I suspect his parents know that he is young and they recognise he may want his own children in 10 years time.

Don't move to be with him as I think he might then feel he has to stay with you. Longterm I can't see how you both will be happy.

Did you meet him on Old? How do you see him if you struggle with childcare?

Bottom line: he isn't good enough for your children.
He's still a kid himself.

Things are not going to magically get better. The teenage stage could be absolute hell for any number of reasons. I would quit while you're ahead @physicspaper it's been a nice two years but time to move on to a more grown up relationship which better suits your situation. You are trying to put a square peg in a round hole.

He's not the man for you.
He's too young to be a step dad to your kids, he doesn't want to be a step dad, he wants his own kids and he is buying a house 200 miles from where you live. Could it be any clearer?

If you can maintain a LDR for the next 10 years or so then you can maintain your separate lives and households and that could work but that doesn't sound like it's what you want.

KIds first of course but it's more than that, you're wasting money and your time and your energy on a situation that won't work out, that will hurt you, hurt your kids....

Some people will say you could meet somebody else if you weren't with him, but I will say that you only ever truly grow happily accustomed to being on your own and how peaceful that is when you 'practice' it for a few years. With no intention of meeting anybody as your real agenda. Just get on with it for a few years. Revolve your spare time around you. Read what you want, watch what you want. Eat what you want. Go for walks as and when on your own schedule.

To be always either searching for a relationship or tolerating one that isn't right is no way to live.

Sorry OP what a waste of 2 years! He has tried to be honest I think (which he probably finds difficult as I’m sure he has feelings for you) but you need to listen. If after two years he essentially doesn’t see a future with you and your children (regardless of his ‘patter’ when you’re looking at houses, that is a red herring) then I think you know this isn’t going anywhere. It’s up to you how much more time you want to waste on it. At 26 it’s totally normal for him to not want children but I’d be willing to bet money that in 5-10 years time he will meet the ‘right’ woman and marry her and have children with her. Sorry OP I know that’s harsh but I think if he considered you to be the ‘right one’ it would be obvious and your relationship would be moving forward and, as PP have said, he would adore your children. He’s too young for you (emotionally as opposed to physically really), by the time he is ‘ready’ for children, your kids are going to getting ready to leave home and you’re going to be moving on to the next phase of your life. Your lives are just out of sync unfortunately. It’s possible his parents can see that and are trying to gently jibe at him to make him realise, to save him (and you, and your kids) a lot of heartache.

Sorry. Just realized he is only 26 and hasn't had much life experience. So my response was a bit harsh on him.

He is being honest and is too young to take on two kids at 7 and 10. Also yes, there are several under 30s that still live with parents saving and scrimping for their own home one day. If you want to carry own set your boundaries about what's said regarding your kids and taking this as a casual fling. Then move on. It doesn't matter that he is good with the kids. That's because it's momentary. I was super excellent with my niece and nephews but did not want kids until I was 37. I could play and host them for a day but would have found it hard to have them permanently

What the fuck are you doing? Your children are part of who you are. He's rejecting a huge part of you.
Why are you not completely repulsed by his attitude? Why are you even contemplating letting him become an issue for your children to have to deal with for their whole lives?
It might be a harsh reply but honestly, I can't believe how little concern you have for your children's happiness and your relationship with them and how willing you seem to be to choose a man-child over them.

I think that you should end this. It's going nowhere. He doesn't know if he can accept your kids - bye then, of you go.
He should know.
He's 26. He doesn't want kids now, he says. But in 10 years maybe he will and you'll be 43. He'll be off having kids with someone else.
Be very very wary of a younger man who claims he doesn't want kids...

You want to take your kids away from their school and friends to live with someone who isn't sure about them. In what way is that prioritising them?

Dump. Your kids have to come first. And they’re you’re kids for life.

I don't see how this can possibly work long term.

Why is he even dating someone with children if he is going to struggle to "accept" them?

Even if you stayed together but lived apart until the dc are adults, this won't work. Or certainly wouldn't for me, because you see I intend to be supportive to my dc for the rest of my life, helping them out financially or practically if they need it, seeing them often, being a safe landing place for them if things go wrong in their lives. I couldn't be with a man for whom that would likely be an issue. They won't suddenly be gone from your life as adults, even if they're able to move out at 18 or whenever.

I couldn't be arsed with a man who saw my dc as a nuisance or obstacle.

I can see where you’re coming from OP, however the reality is he WILL end up resenting you and the kids, he admitted to you he never wanted kids and he’s buying his own house in his own area. What happens when he wants to start going on holiday and such likes? He won’t want you to bring the kids on holiday, will he get upset that you can’t go? I honestly think you’re better to cut your losses and move on, he’s so young too, maybe much too bothered about what his parents think too?. My partner never wanted kids, I have 4, but he’s so good with them, sometimes I think better than me, and he’s fully 100% committed to them and to me, he’s from Liverpool and me from London, he will move here because he knows the kids come first and I’d never uproot them from their schools and friends. My kids are 18, 12, 13 and 5 for context!

He was 24 then when you met?

I know it's not a popular opinion on here, but if it was my son I wouldn't be enthralled.

The sex might be good but I'd be cautious that your dc don't get caught up in this.

Making fun of kids is never in jest.

Don't put your "incredible sex life" ahead of your kids unless you don't want to see them once they reach adulthood.

There is only one sensible and right decision here and it is to finish things with him.

He's too young for the step dad role. You and he are at very different stages in life. Yes, I know some people will come on and say "My DH is 10 years younger than me, blah blah..." - but this man has only just started the process of moving into his own home and leaving his parents!

He may or may not want kids eventually. It's too early to tell. And as for - "he thinks it’s because they’re sad that they’ll never get their own grandkids." - he is 26!! I doubt they have given up hope of having their own grand kids yet. Why would they, he's barely entered independent adult life.

He isn't keen on being a father figure to your two, and his parents very likely have reservations too. You are an older (than him) mother of two, and lets be honest, that would concern most parents of mid-twenties blokes who are still living at home. Not because there's something wrong with you, more because you won't have the same wants and priorities.

His parents aren't the ones in the wrong here and neither is he.

You are the parent of two children, one of whom has challenging behaviour, and you are hanging on to this man who is too young to be a father figure to them.

Time to put your children first.

I am a man. I was in a relationship with a woman with children and did not feel I could be a step-dad to them. Painful as it was, I ended the relationship long before the question of living together came about.

And before you ask, the sex was easily the best I have ever had or probably ever will have.