Bf doesn't know if he can accept my kids in the future

[physicspaper]

So my bf of almost 2 years has said all along he doesn’t know if, when the time comes, he’ll be able to deal with my two kids (7 & 10). He’s never wanted children but didn’t seem to mind mine quite as much, I guess because they’re a little older and not babies/toddlers. At first I was fine with this but recently I’ve heard about his parents ribbing him about them and basically making fun. This has really upset me and I don’t know anymore if I want to continue this relationship.

I love him dearly and we get on really well and have an incredible sex life. He says there may come a point where he’ll be happy with the kids, when they can look after themselves, but he doesn’t know for sure. I don’t want to meet anyone else but I don’t know what to do for the best now. He’s fine with the kids when he’s here (we have a ldr of approx 225 miles) but he’s not a father figure and while I’m not looking for this exactly, there will be a time when I want us to live together which I guess will involve him being a dad of sorts.

We viewed houses for him to buy last week when I was at his (he still lives at home currently) and he said things like ‘you can all move in here with me’ and ‘there’s jobs around here for you’ but this evening when I’ve asked him outright what he sees for the future with us he says he doesn’t know. I know his parents approval is important to him and they’re really lovely people but I don’t like my kids/me being made fun of with terms such as surrogate grandchildren, even if it’s not to my face and is said in jest. When I ask him why they say these things he thinks it’s because they’re sad that they’ll never get their own grandkids. His parents have never met my kids and my bf says he thinks it would be very awkward if they did.

Not sure what to do from here really.

I can speak from experience as DP is not the DC father. It was crystal clear from the beginning that the DC and I were a package from day one. It took a very long time for him to meet them because i needed to be as sure as i could be.

Half hearted doesn't cut it. I am not and never was looking for a father replacement (they have a father who whilst he is a Disney dad is not a bad person and very much in their lives amicably , plus DP and I falling for each other was a big surprise)

Nearly 5 years later it has not been a simple easy road and to do this properly with as limited effect on the DC as possible requires real investment from both of you. After two years not being sure he can cope with the children is a deal breaker. Either commit to the reality or walk away. Believe me to do this properly it is not an easy ride.

It depends what you both want out of the relationship, not what you want to please each other, but the things you actually want and need for yourself. What you both have is fine if you don’t want to live together until your children are independent.

My boyfriend was 26 when we met, hes now 28 and lives with my five year old. The first 2/3 weeks were really hard, it took about six weeks for us all to fall into a new routine of being in the same home.

My PT is 32 with an eight and 12 year old, his boyfriend of about five years who is 25 lives with them.

It isn’t about age, its about attitude. Not wanting children of your own is okay, and completely seperate to how you feel about and treat a partners child.

You can absolutely enjoy living with a partners child/ren without wanting to actually have children, just as you can dislike living with a partners child/ren while wanting children of your own. My cousin lives with her step daughter, she enjoys spending time with her, they sometimes have days out just the two of them, but my cousin has no desire to have a child.

I don't see anything wrong with carrying on dating him, as long as you keep him completely separate from your kids, as in, he never sees them again - and you fully accept that you'll never live together and this is not going to be a long lasting relationship.

Enjoy the dating and the great sex and accept that this'll probably have run its course in another few years when either you get sick of being "Miss She'll Do For Now", or he meets someone his own age without the responsibilities, or he decides he wants to start his own family without blending with your ready made one.

I am going to be blunt here op. With regards to your dcs, it will not get better as they get older, it will get worse. They will become teenagers with all the challenges this brings and I know, as a grandparent carer of two boys. This week alone I have had sleepless nights.

What does concern me is the emphasis on whether he will accept or cope with them. What about how they feel about him? Do they want to move to another area with a man who is unsure about them leaving friends and schools behind. You are a package.

Another red flag is a ldr of two years standing. You do not seem to have gelled as a family or moved forward. Forgive me if I have missed this but have you met his parents and where were the children. It is odd they have not asked to meet them and you seem sensitive about their opinion.

Regarding the house purchase, these are just words. He has not asked you to buy with him after two years. It will be his house and never yours.

I think you need to let this go op.

What does he mean by "not being able to deal with them"?

If he means "I don't think I will be a very good parent, and I really don't want to be involved in the discipline side" it's very different from
"I will totally ignore them when they're around and hope you will too" or even "if we move in together I expect them to go and live with their dad".

The first could simply be that he is scared of the idea of parenting (and let's be fair parenting teenagers isn't easy when you've known them since they were born let alone coming in late) and basically needs reassurance you aren't going to expect him to immediately behave like a father.
The latter two: run!

I suspect his parents being desperate for grandchildren may be influencing this. They're desperately hoping that he'll change his mind and what they're saying is making him feel more and more sure he doesn't want children! They may be pressing to meet your children because they feel they may be the nearest they get to grandchildren. I don't see "surrogate grandchildren" being a jest, if they're saying it. I see it as them looking to accept your children as theirs. But it does depend on what/how they're saying-but if it's through him then may be twisted.
I'd wonder if he's worried that if the children appear then they'll be number one priority for his parents, and he'll feel rejected.

Two years in, and you're questioning him.

Your kids priorities are 100% first.

I think you know the answer.

Either stick around for years of second best, or move on and find your boundaries

I have a male friend who is a lovely guy, but doesn't want to be a dad - he had one relationship that ultimately broke down because he couldn't be a dad to the her kids, so sadly I suspect this doesn't have longevity if he can't take that role.

For all those saying he is immature , I think the opposite. He has been adult enough to be honest from the start .He did not string her along with a fairytale ending . He had doubts and he voiced them.

Perhaps they can find a way for a ldr to work . As long as they are both aware of the hurdles and the children are protected along the way ?

Better that than some liar sneaking into their lives under false pretences .

Just live apart.
I’m married and we don’t live together because of the children.
If you’re still together in 10 years they won’t be kids and you can do what you like re housing.

He was 24 when you got together - too young . He seems to have realised this isn't for him .

Please leave now..... These are your kids .... Why wait and see if that's true.... Your kids are more important than anyone

He’s 26 and living at home
He’s at a different stage of life as you with 2 kids even if age difference isn’t that great

How often do you see him?

You’re on a road to nowhere with this one don’t you feel in limbo? Or because you don’t want a “proper” relationship this suits for now?

Unfortunately, it sounds like he is quite young and that is probably the root of the issue with his parents.

I dont think that it's going to work. I would end it and meet someone who already has a child, so more open to your children. You come as a package with the children, and hes not keen on the kids. It's not worth pursuing.

Sorry but this would be a deal breaker for me. In fairness to him he's been honest about his feelings rather than pretend to like the kids just to keep you sweet. But there's no way I could be happy with someone who didn't like my dc. It would put me off them. He is entitled to feel this way but you need to put your children first.

At 26, a ten year old is daunting! If it were his own son it would be like him becoming a father at age 16.

I would be seriously considering my future with someone who said this to me. By all means date him, see him on weekends when your kids are at their dads, have the great sex but try and keep that emotional attachment in check because it sounds like mixing your family life and your relationship isn't going to work here. Sorry I know that's probably not what you want to hear.

This man should never be anything more than a fuck buddy, don't take him seriously or let him have any hold over You ....ever

You say his parents are lovely. It sounds more as though they might like to meet your children, and are just gently trying to probe him about his feelings, and whether he might want children himself in the future.
26 is young to be a step parent to a ten and seven year old, but particularly as he still lives at home , and is only now trying to get his own place.
Of course you could carry on as you are for a while, as a long distance thing, as it seems to suit both of you, and you don’t want to live together yet. The crunch time will come when you do, then you will need to both assess how he will be with your dc.
Could his parents meet your dc ? It is strange that they haven’t yet.

BF needs to do one then. Your DC come first & he's a man child if he doesn't get that & thinks it's okay to stay in a relationship with you & tell you that. Have some respect for yourself & your DCs & show him the door

Your children are going to need a parent forever to different extents as an adult and if he doesn't want kids he might struggle to put them first in the future.

My best friend never got on with her step dad and he is a miserable man. He moved in and she ended up having to move out at 19.

When she split from her partner and moved back home it was terrible and she feels really sad her mum didn't stick up for her more.

So think about your relationship carefully

I don't think he's weak at all - he's being honest and you should listen. He's not in it for the long haul, you are, so this just can't work. It would be far worse for him to lead you to thinking that he wants to be there for your children then treat them like shit.

The only thing you can do here is move on. You've had a nice couple of years together but there will be no future together even if you do love him. Your DCs, their security and their well-being comes first.

The thing with children is they dont become 18 and then suddenly thats it. Yours might still be living with you at 26, could he handle that? What about supporting them through uni, would he be up for it? Ultimately grandchildren might come along, what happens then?

What I'm trying to say that your children will always be a massive part of your life, if after two years he hasn't fully acepted them, he isn't likely to in the future. I also think it would be hard to downgrade to just a FWB/casual thing if you have feelings for him. Its so hard OP but this one isnt meant to be.

"So my bf of almost 2 years has said all along he doesn’t know if, when the time comes, he’ll be able to deal with my two kids (7 & 10)."

I'm with everyone else - this relationship is going nowhere. And by staying in this relationship, you are blocking the possibility of meeting someone who would be right for you and your children.

I don't think he's weak at all - he's being honest and you should listen.
I agree. There is nothing wrong with not wanting children or not wanting to be responsible for other people’s children.
Not sure why some posters have taken this the mean he is a ‘man-child’.
He has been honest with you from the start.

He's had two years to make up his mind so I think that's long enough really. Do you really think he's likely to change his mind in the next two years? Might be worth keeping as a casual relationship as you eoy the sex, but heartbreak awaits if you move and commit to him. You need someone who accepts you have children.

He's had two years to make up his mind so I think that's long enough really.

More like the OP has had 2 years to make up her mind.
He’s told her where he stands.
It’s her call.