Bf doesn't know if he can accept my kids in the future

[physicspaper]

So my bf of almost 2 years has said all along he doesn’t know if, when the time comes, he’ll be able to deal with my two kids (7 & 10). He’s never wanted children but didn’t seem to mind mine quite as much, I guess because they’re a little older and not babies/toddlers. At first I was fine with this but recently I’ve heard about his parents ribbing him about them and basically making fun. This has really upset me and I don’t know anymore if I want to continue this relationship.

I love him dearly and we get on really well and have an incredible sex life. He says there may come a point where he’ll be happy with the kids, when they can look after themselves, but he doesn’t know for sure. I don’t want to meet anyone else but I don’t know what to do for the best now. He’s fine with the kids when he’s here (we have a ldr of approx 225 miles) but he’s not a father figure and while I’m not looking for this exactly, there will be a time when I want us to live together which I guess will involve him being a dad of sorts.

We viewed houses for him to buy last week when I was at his (he still lives at home currently) and he said things like ‘you can all move in here with me’ and ‘there’s jobs around here for you’ but this evening when I’ve asked him outright what he sees for the future with us he says he doesn’t know. I know his parents approval is important to him and they’re really lovely people but I don’t like my kids/me being made fun of with terms such as surrogate grandchildren, even if it’s not to my face and is said in jest. When I ask him why they say these things he thinks it’s because they’re sad that they’ll never get their own grandkids. His parents have never met my kids and my bf says he thinks it would be very awkward if they did.

Not sure what to do from here really.

This is a horrible situation. I am sorry OP.

He does not wish to take on the responsibility of your dc. It is heartbreaking as I believe you want a family set up. You have two choices:

Remain in a casual relationship with him, keeping your dc well out of it. You only meet with him alone, no 'family time' together.

End it

He will grow to resent your dc and will at some point want his own dc. Your children are a part of you, you come as a package deal.

Erm, so he has known your children for 2years? Has presumably build some kind of relationship with them? Yet is still on the fence? Wow.

I'm going to be blunt. You have both made an error here. He should have never got involved with you if he felt strongly about kids. You should have listened when he gave you this very clear warning.

You are not suited. You and your children come as a package and you deserve so much more than this man is offering you. Don't waste any time on a relationship that he can't 100% commit to. He isn't really committed to you. Find someone better!

Making fun of kids is never in jest.

I wouldn't call referring to them as 'surrogate grandchildren' in a lighthearted manner, making fun of them. The op didn't actually hear this, her boyfriend relayed it to her.

It may well have been said nervously; no doubt his parents don't quite know what to say and are trying to be tactful. It's difficult for them; he is an adult so they cannot interfere or even offer advice unless asked but they obviously have opinions, are interested and concerned.

This relationship is not a grown up one for the op.

I dont see what choice you have really . Hes way too immature to even think about having his own kids , so hes unlikely to take on a ready made family. And its horrible that you are saying your 10 year old is hard work/ talks incessantly etc
Hes only a boyfriend, put your kids first

This is really hard because you're so emotionally invested in him. You love him and it sounds like, other than the big enormously important life stuff, your relationship is good- so long as its on its current terms. But life isn't linear and your children are the prioroty here.
There are just too many deal breakers going on in your first post to make me think this is a relationship worth fighting for. You'll be tilting at windmills if you do. I am sorry. I think you're at a dead end here.
Your BF is not a terrible person. He's honest. And his honesty is painful. But at least he's not stringing you along. 26 is young. But your BF is also not an example of what's out there and what you'll be facing when looking for a partner in the future. I came into my marriage with a child. My in-laws were wholly accepting of my son and completely loving towards him. When my father in law died, he left DS money in his will. He really loved him as his own. My DH has raised him as his own. It can and does happen.
The thing is, OP, you come as you are, a packaged deal. Your children are not a hindrance! But unfortunately, your BF is seeing them as such. He can't deal with them being part of the equation. And that's a deal breaker. His loss is someone else's gain.

I dont think this can work if hes not fully on board. Far too risky for your kids mental health if you move in with someone thats still not sure after 2 years

Well, you have two kids already so it's not like you need anything serious from him. Why not just enjoy it as a bit of fun? Don't move in with him, just date.

Tbf I probably wouldn't want to take on living with a kid who even the mother admits drives her round the bend. I don't blame him for wanting to continue living separately.

If you want marriage any time soon...or perhaps, ever, then he isnt the man for you. But if it works as is and you enjoy his company, why change it?

I'd run for the hills OP. I really don't think this is ever going to work in the long term. In the nicest possible way I expect his parents are disappointed that at 26 he is hooked up with an older woman with children too old to be his. He's still got a lot of life to live before he settles down and in my opinion he's young enough to change a lot still especially towards children. You and your children deserve better, sorry.

To be fair I can also understand the parents concern here. I think most people probably can, although he is a grown man, he’s dating a woman much older than him, who is at a very different life stage, with two older kids, one of whom possibly has additional needs and it’s a long distance relationship which means there is no opportunity to spend the proper time required to make informed decisions about living together.

It’s a very different concept to dating someone his own age, or slightly younger, ie 23/24 , at the same life stage, and building a life together,

@AlternativePerspective

Sorry but I don’t get these posts from OP’s who say “he won’t accept my kids but I don’t want to end it because the sex is great.” Seriously where are your priorities?

IMO if you don’t end this you will have failed as a parent. But at least you’ll have a decent sex life eh?

Yeah, basically this. Not a great look to prioritise your sex life over the emotional welfare of your kids

Why would you be considering anyone who isn't sure about your kids?

You need to downgrade this in your head, it's not your future.

Not sure what to do from here really.

Ah come on OP, surely this is a no brainer?

I met someone who said something very similar to me, so that was the end of that as far as I was concerned.

I think the bf is being unfairly maligned here and it might have been helpful to mention the fact that he's only in his mid 20s and you are seven years older, in the OP.
I also can't particularly see the harm in maintaining the status quo. You continue to have this ldr and maintains your own households with the children understanding that he's just someone you're seeing, with a minimal impact upon their lives.

The age difference is quite big for the life stages you're at. There's a very big difference in maturity between a 26 year old who lives at home and a 33 year old with 2 children. It doesn't sound like he even knows what he wants out of life yet, hence the mixed messages.

I'll be honest, I wouldn't be too happy if I had a son who at 26 was dating a 33 year old with children. I'd want him to be building a life from scratch with someone of his own age, not taking on someone else's soon-to-be teenagers, when he's not much older than them himself. That's probably why his parents are being a bit weird.

Lastly, other posters are right about your children coming first. As soon as he said he wasn't sure if he could take them on, it should've been over.
Surely there are other men who are more mature and more suited to where you are in life?
Sorry but this has disaster written all over it, I'd cut my losses and end it.

Gosh he's young to be step dad to a 10 year old.

You're at least three life stages ahead of him. I'm sure his parents don't dislike you or the idea of your kids. They probably just want their child to live life at his pace, and not have to adapt to yours.

Try to remember that your children are experiencing your relationships along with you. You say you had a really difficult time with your children’s father, leaving him in 2018. That means that until 2018, your children were exposed to a toxic relationship between their parents. They are probably still exposed to that to some extent given what you’ve said about how he is now. Then, presumably within a few months, given you’ve been in this relationship for two years, you’ve moved on to this guy who tolerates them at best. Children aren’t daft, they will know they they’re an inconvenience to him. They’ll know that they’re not your automatic priority. They will carry that with them.

How do you think your children feel about your relationship with their DF? What about with this guy?
What do you think you, and their DF, are teaching them about relationships?
Imagine your children are grown up and reflecting on their childhoods. What do you think they would say about your relationship with their DF? What about your relationship with this guy? Do you think they would say they felt like your priority?
What would you want them to say about their childhoods? What would you want them to say about their relationships with you? Is what is happening now likely to lead to that? What would need to change for that to happen?

Seriously, OP, how is this even a question? Your children sound like they’ve been through a lot. Dating should be the last thing on your mind at the moment. Especially someone who doesn’t particularly want them around. Your children need security, stability, and lots of time, attention, and nurture from their parents.

So, you want to sit around waiting for him to decide if he’s going to accept your kids or not? You have been with him for 2 years and he hasn’t excepted them yet? Does he think they are suddenly going to grow up, leave home and not be part of your life in the next few years? That’s not going to happen, even when they are adults you will still be a big part of their lives and possibly grandchildren’s lives, parenting doesn’t necessarily get easier or less as they get older.

At the moment your letting him call the shots, I would reverse the rolls and you call the shots by leaving him.

And just wanted to say...I have been single for 5 years, mainly because no one will except that my kids come first, and that’s fine because I don’t need to be with someone who can’t except my kids.

Poormanspaularadcliffe, I think there's harm to the op in that she wants more out of the relationship really. Therefore it's a waste of her energy and time to keep going with this, and she's potentially missing opportunities to meet other more compatible guys in the meantime.

He's not at the same life stage, and I wouldn't think it makes sense for either of them to keep on together. He's 26, he might change his mind about having children himself later, but he knows he doesn't really want to be a stepdad, however much he fudges it.

You say you are nit in a rush to meet anyone else OP. But...you are putting all your eggs in one basket. He is driving the future here, nit you. So, take back control of what you want and if he doesn't want the same thing, walk away. You and your kids are the priority here.

I think he's been honest and his parents too, in a roundabout way.
At 26 he is simply too young to parent children he hasn't asked for or created, and not wanting someone elses children now doesn't make him a bad person but someone who isn't there yet... and when/if he does want kids it will be his own. As the parent of a 27 year old son myself I would be concerned if my son was in a relationship with someone older who had kids, simply because I KNOW how difficult the teen years can be with my own let alone someone elses' 'You're not my Dad you can't tell me what to do!' Also he's obviously been able to set himself up financially and (sorry) I would worry that he would get stung there too.

You simply aren't at the same stage in life, and the next few years when your kids are teens they are going to need you more than ever and not being uprooted from their schools and friends. It's not forever..one day you will have your life back..but this relationship isn't going to work.

I'd listen to what he is saying. he is telling you how he feels. He doesn't feel he can take you and your children as a package and so it will not be a long term relationship. That much is clear.
My son and I came as a package years ago and if a man couldn't take us both there would have been no relationship or future for us and I prefer honesty. Your bf is being honest, there is no long term relationship here.

What future?

I have not RTFT

He sounds very very weak as a person OP

I'm not saying you should dump him for this but take it in to consideration. He's telling you what his parents say about you and your kids when you are not there. It is leaving you guessing the how, why, what of it. This is a trait of a weak person. He is blown in any direction by the wind prevailing at the time.

See him separate from the kids if you wish but stop seeing it as a long term and domestic thing. He has been honest at least about it but keeping you hanging on by future faking. Weak.

It could be his parents trying to influence him. My friend has this though in her case they are older and her dp tells his parents to back off (they want him to meet someone younger to have their own grandkids but they are pleasant to her kids). I would be cautious and and some point I would suggest having a conversation about whether it can work with your kids so you can make the choice to split if it's a no