Bf doesn't know if he can accept my kids in the future

[physicspaper]

So my bf of almost 2 years has said all along he doesn’t know if, when the time comes, he’ll be able to deal with my two kids (7 & 10). He’s never wanted children but didn’t seem to mind mine quite as much, I guess because they’re a little older and not babies/toddlers. At first I was fine with this but recently I’ve heard about his parents ribbing him about them and basically making fun. This has really upset me and I don’t know anymore if I want to continue this relationship.

I love him dearly and we get on really well and have an incredible sex life. He says there may come a point where he’ll be happy with the kids, when they can look after themselves, but he doesn’t know for sure. I don’t want to meet anyone else but I don’t know what to do for the best now. He’s fine with the kids when he’s here (we have a ldr of approx 225 miles) but he’s not a father figure and while I’m not looking for this exactly, there will be a time when I want us to live together which I guess will involve him being a dad of sorts.

We viewed houses for him to buy last week when I was at his (he still lives at home currently) and he said things like ‘you can all move in here with me’ and ‘there’s jobs around here for you’ but this evening when I’ve asked him outright what he sees for the future with us he says he doesn’t know. I know his parents approval is important to him and they’re really lovely people but I don’t like my kids/me being made fun of with terms such as surrogate grandchildren, even if it’s not to my face and is said in jest. When I ask him why they say these things he thinks it’s because they’re sad that they’ll never get their own grandkids. His parents have never met my kids and my bf says he thinks it would be very awkward if they did.

Not sure what to do from here really.

Physics I'm wondering if you had somewhat adult expectations put on you as a kid in some way. This can leave you accepting childlike behaviour from a partner, when you've had it from your parents. I had this. It's amazing the difference it makes even subconsciously to recognise that & recognise it as not normal

& your quirks are not flaws, they are what make you special, what makes you, YOU, so he isn't doing you any favours by accepting those parts of you. He should be accepting ALL of you, & that includes your kids

Physics I'm wondering if you had somewhat adult expectations put on you as a kid in some way. This can leave you accepting childlike behaviour from a partner, when you've had it from your parents. I had this. It's amazing the difference it makes even subconsciously to recognise that & recognise it as not normal

& your quirks are not flaws, they are what make you special, what makes you, YOU, so he isn't doing you any favours by accepting those parts of you. He should be accepting ALL of you, & that includes your kids

Oops, no idea why the double post

Very underfunded here too & we have it & other low cost or free counselling services. You should have something nearby🤞, though there may be a waiting list. Your GP can maybe advise, they usually know this stuff. Good luck

He showed you his true feelings at the start regarding your children. You shouldn't have proceeded any further at the point when he first made his feelings known. You need to cut your losses and walk away.

@SingingInTheShithouse when you say parental expectations do you mean that they treated me too much like a child or treated me like an adult before I was one?

My mother was a fantastic mother growing up but my dad was a shit dad which makes me feel really upset at myself for being with this man when he doesn't really care about my kids and would rather them not be there. The answer is pretty simple really but I guess I have such low self worth I can't bring myself to do it.

I also had a ton of therapy. It isn’t easy when you don’t get a lot of stuff in the adult world. I don’t think I have asd. But there was soooo much I wasn’t taught by my parents on how to be an adult so the adult world was completely baffling. My therapist taught me how to adult and about boundaries and do much more besides.

At my gp surgery you can self refer. May be worth a call?

He should have been sent on his way the minute you knew his feelings. OP your kids should come first. He is telling you he doesnt know what to do about that- how does that not bother you enough to end it? How hurtful is that.
I think he said those things during the house viewings to keep you sweet.

Physics that fits as you are subconsciously attracted to men just like your dad & maybe your DM took a while to get rid of him, so you mimic her behaviour too. Don't feel shit, it's not your fault, it's conditioning, but for your own sake & your DCs recognise it for what it is & move on

You are failing your children if you stay with him.

@SingingInTheShithouse

Physics that fits as you are subconsciously attracted to men just like your dad & maybe your DM took a while to get rid of him, so you mimic her behaviour too. Don't feel shit, it's not your fault, it's conditioning, but for your own sake & your DCs recognise it for what it is & move on

They're still together and he's really worn her down mentally, she struggles terribly with anxiety and depression and it's all because of him really. Thank you so much for your help you've been absolutely fantastic x

[quote physicspaper]@SingingInTheShithouse when you say parental expectations do you mean that they treated me too much like a child or treated me like an adult before I was one?

My mother was a fantastic mother growing up but my dad was a shit dad which makes me feel really upset at myself for being with this man when he doesn't really care about my kids and would rather them not be there. The answer is pretty simple really but I guess I have such low self worth I can't bring myself to do it.

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If you're struggling, don't do it just for you. Do it for your kids. They are you're absolute priority.

Put your kids first, they deserve better

Then it makes even more sense as she is accepting his behaviour, not blaming her, as you say she's worn down by it & very enmeshed in a life with him, which is had to break after so long.

Your life can be very different to hers though, you have an opportunity to break that family karma & though it might not feel it now, trust me, your mums experience will give you the power to push through it & come out the other side ready for truly healthy relationships

Good luck x

I really really don't understand mothers who don't make their kids a priority when it comes to choosing who to be in a relationship with.

Ldr's are hard without kids in the picture, he clearly has a poor attitude to children right from the start and you chose to continue the relationship - why?!

Him having difficulty connecting with and having a good relationship with your son is deeply worrying as some stepfathers have difficulty accepting another "man" in "their" house as the boy grows and becomes more assertive.

Do yourself and most especially your kids a favour and dump this unsuitable man.

And that's without potentially dragging them halfway across the country, uprooting them from their schools, friends and in your sons case possibly official support agencies for really no other reason than your sex life?! Grow up!

The more you post the more immature and ridiculous he sounds!

He's too young and immature for you and your kids to be honest.

The relatively small age gap between he and your son is even more reason he is likely to increasingly see your son as a rival rather than as a child

To be honest you should have dumped as soon as he said anything negative about the dc, actually I'm thinking you should never have dated him

And his feelings towards your dc will become more negative the more he either regrets having his own dc or if you did have a dc with him they would be massively favoured over your older dc.

It's a step-parenting disaster in the making!

The teenage years are the most difficult you will face.....they strain even the strongest of partnerships.

Absolutely

Sounds like you have more than enough on your plate without having to accommodate what will essentially be another child.

Nothing wrong with being single by the way, loads to recommend it in fact.

Sorry op but I don't think there is a future if he's not already accepted the kids.

@Graphista
Has it spot on.
Yet another woman clinging onto a pointless relationship. Have some self respect and put your kids first, there’s plenty other men out there, stop looking for excuses to stay with him.
He’ll dump you in a heartbeat when he meets someone his own age with no ties.

Read the Ops updates before adding more accusatory comments please, she's totally getting it & understands why & wants to fix things & not with him. Doesn't mean it's easy for her though, so maybe cut her some slack 👍🏻

Thank you @SingingInTheShithouse. We're not all perfect sadly and we can only try.

If I were you I'd cut my losses.

He's buying a new property for himself for starters. Which wouldn't bother me in itself but he has made it clear he doesn't know if he can commit to a life with your kids. Id see the house purchase as something hes doing to add further obstacles to this.

Him saying things like "there's jobs for you here" etc really isn't cutting it for me. Why would he say that when he cant commit to your family unit? Is he expecting you to uproot your entire life and your kids entire life to move in with him when he doesn't even want your kids full time?!

How far would this move be from the children's actual dad? He will surely want to keep a relationship with them too.

He sounds great for you if you were on your own, but you're not. He definitely doesn't sound like the male influence id want for my kids.

I dont think you and your kids should be putting up with half arsed effort and commitment

[quote physicspaper]@SingingInTheShithouse when you say parental expectations do you mean that they treated me too much like a child or treated me like an adult before I was one?

My mother was a fantastic mother growing up but my dad was a shit dad which makes me feel really upset at myself for being with this man when he doesn't really care about my kids and would rather them not be there. The answer is pretty simple really but I guess I have such low self worth I can't bring myself to do it.

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This has to be about your children's self worth, not yours.

Many of us make decisions that we would not make if we didn't have children but we do it to put them first.

Sunshine I think you missed the point of that post, it needs to be taken in context with the rest of the conversation between myself & the OP. She isn't self absorbed & putting her kids second to herself, or why post at all🤷‍♀️ She's simply considering that there's reasons as to why her confidence in situations like this isn't as high as it should be

I agree Sunshine

It's not about self worth when it's your children's well-being on the line. If she was childless and he was treating her like shit then, yes, self-worth would be the issue.

In this case, it's a choice between making her children happy and making herself (temporarily) happy. It's about how much her children are worth to her.

Self-worth comes into it of course but only secondary to her current inability to prioritise her children.

It sounds like OP has really made some progress already in just the short time the thread has been up though.

Well done, OP. You're doing great 👍🏼

hes a mummys boy. kids come first - even if they are not his!

run. fucking run

The saying you 'reap what you sow' comes to mind here..

I can't believe a parent would even for a millisecond consider being with someone who "doesn't know" if they want with your kids..time to grow up.

26??? I don't think there's anything wrong with the age gap but taking on your kids is a lot for a guy that age, at least these days. A lot of them have no idea if they want kids or not. I think back to myself at 26 and I would gave found it off-putting or a bit much to suddenly be living with 2 small children. I think people's tolerance levels is higher for their own flesh & blood.