Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't think I can wait 8 years one this.

202 replies

Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 10:45

I'm very career driven. DP not so much. ATM were living in the west country with next to no job opportunities for me. I'm massively underemployed and as much as try not to think about it every now and then it comes back and I hate it. I resent my partner that I won't have the career I want because he won't move as he wants to remain close to his DC.

OP posts:
MaidenMotherCrone · 25/09/2020 10:55

You resent your partner for wanting to be near his children? Shock

SoupDragon · 25/09/2020 10:57

You won't have the career you want because you have chosen your DP over it.

slipperywhensparticus · 25/09/2020 10:57

I dont think this is the right relationship for you your right to move on

hexmeginny · 25/09/2020 10:57

How old are DC?

ShellsAndSunrises · 25/09/2020 10:58

Can you move and do long distance?

You’re not unreasonable to want a career. He’s not unreasonable to want to be close to his child. If that means that the status quo isn’t working for one of you, you need to make a change...

That’s probably either you living elsewhere, or not continuing the relationship, at this point.

Anordinarymum · 25/09/2020 11:00

@MaidenMotherCrone

You resent your partner for wanting to be near his children? Shock
She absolutely did not say this
Original poster
Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 11:00

We have a 1 year old too. His older DC are 10 and 13 (thus the 8 years). And it's not just the career I don't like where we live at all.

OP posts:
BuffaloCauliflower · 25/09/2020 11:00

If your career is more important to you that’s absolutely fine, but leave this partner and move, you’ll find another one more on your wavelength. If his priority is his children over his girlfriend’s wishes then he’s absolutely in the right and let him be!

Anordinarymum · 25/09/2020 11:00

OP You need to be having a conversation with him

BuffaloCauliflower · 25/09/2020 11:01

Maybe you should have considered this before committing to someone who clearly won’t move because they don’t want to leave their children?! How would you feel if he wanted to move far away from your child?

XiCi · 25/09/2020 11:02

How old are you and how long have you been together? If you are starting to resent him it's only likely to get worse. How far away would you have to move to get a job in your field?

Original poster
Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 11:02

I'm more of a wife than a GF! We own a house and have a baby, we're supposed to get married soon. Unfortunately I think I'll be incredibly unhappy regardless of what I do, and that's crushing me even more.

OP posts:
86jabberwocky · 25/09/2020 11:02

Which one weighs more you being with your partner or your career? If one weighs more take that route and that look back.

hexmeginny · 25/09/2020 11:04

She absolutely did not say this

She kinda did

AlreadyGone44 · 25/09/2020 11:05

Im guessing DC is 10 given the 8 years in the title. You have options OP. You could work elsewhere and come home weekends. You can split up and move to pursue your career. You can decide to put your career on the back burner for now and maybe get counselling to help you let go of your resentment. The other options staying but resenting him or trying to get him to move aren't fair ones. You need to work out what you want most and go for that.

Original poster
Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 11:06

If he wasn't with me anymore and he wanted to move to pursue his happiness and improve his life in other regards, I would respect his decision. When we met I had a remote job that paid well and had a good career progression. Then I was made redundant, couldn't find a job but thought that the baby would make me feel more "settled" . He in the past implied that for the right job he'd move with me. Well I did get that offer but in the end he wouldn't do it. So had to reject that job offer.

OP posts:
myhobbyisouting · 25/09/2020 11:07

"I'm more of a wife than a GF!"

You're really not. You are his girlfriend/partner.

What made you have the baby together without discussing this first?!

Original poster
Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 11:11

Like I said he implied he would move. He also thought not having a career wasn't such a big deal, he doesn't have one so there can't be any real empathy in that way. And I truly don't resent him for having to turn down a £75k job. I'm more annoyed that ive been busy applying for other jobs (while the baby has been in childcare) and he told me I was misusing my time. That's what truly annoyed me.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 25/09/2020 11:20

so he lied to you about moving if necessary amnd now its a waste of time yo9u looking for a job

Original poster
Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 11:20

What I mean @myhobbyisouting is that leaving is as complex as a divorce. It makes no real difference to either of us in that way.

OP posts:
hexmeginny · 25/09/2020 11:21

There seems to have been a massive breakdown in communication.

I don't blame him for wanting to stay close to his DC. I don't blame you for wanting a career. What's the compromise to be had? You had a remote job before, can you find one again?

Gigglr · 25/09/2020 11:23

No it really does matter if you're married especially if you do take a much higher earning job. You could end up owing him spousal maintenance! You really need to think carefully here. You won't have any rights to one another's pensions etc. It's really not a divorce at all. You're in a completely different legal position and need advice from a lawyer if you intend to split.

Original poster
Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 11:23

I don't know if o would call it a lie, but he did say "if my ex-wife found a better job or her partner I'm sure they'd move and not even consider me".

He did say a few times "it it was a Jo. Too good to say not to". Which on the job offer I had wasn't great in many ways, and it was an eye opener in that way.

OP posts:
hexmeginny · 25/09/2020 11:25

I don't know if o would call it a lie, but he did say "if my ex-wife found a better job or her partner I'm sure they'd move and not even consider me".

So, he didn't say he'd move?

Original poster
Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 11:26

Before COVID all jobs wanted me to live within commuting distance. My remote job was London based but let me move with it as it was needed for my exHs job.

OP posts: