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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't think I can wait 8 years one this.

202 replies

Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 10:45

I'm very career driven. DP not so much. ATM were living in the west country with next to no job opportunities for me. I'm massively underemployed and as much as try not to think about it every now and then it comes back and I hate it. I resent my partner that I won't have the career I want because he won't move as he wants to remain close to his DC.

OP posts:
12309845653ghydrvj · 26/09/2020 10:08

[quote Plentyofshit]@Idontgiveagriffindamn I completely disagree with you, and you haven’t really explained why it’s not a career. Becoming parents is absolutely our most rewarding job - DP and I agree wholeheartedly on this. I won’t comment further either, sorry OP.[/quote]
Come off it, nobody is attacking you for being a SAHM but it’s not a career ffs.

RedRumTheHorse · 26/09/2020 10:09

OP don't marry him at all. Put it off. Then find a job in the SW.

Then take it even if you have to spend a couple of nights a week away from home.

I've worked with men and women with children in different towns and London who have done this.

If you then get to a more senior position you may actually spend more time doing this anyway. One of my SILs did before she retired.

DBML · 26/09/2020 10:21

Consider how you would feel for your little one, if in 8 years time her daddy left, met another woman and then moved 6 hours away to be with the other woman and a new baby.

I’m sorry, but your career satisfaction is far less important than your partner’s children and even asking him to move away from them is spiteful.

I assume he had these children when you met. Did you think at that point it should be so easy to just up and leave so that you can pursue a career?

I understand that it’s disappointing and perhaps you partner did ‘imply’ at times a move ‘might’ be considered, but you chose this life, you.

In my opinion your partner is right to stay close to his children. Even a 1.5 hour move is too far, what if he was needed in an emergency?

As you now know that your desired career is out of your reach at the moment, work towards something else. I trained to become a product designer and at the time, those types of jobs were in and around London. So I did a PGCE in design technology and became a teacher instead. I’m on £42000 after being in that career for a while, not a huge amount, but certainly better than it was and you get the holidays with your children. If your husband retrains too, he could bring more to the household and again raise your overall living standards - a move 6 hours away is not the only option.

DBML · 26/09/2020 10:26

Plentyofshit

Oh come on! Spiritual wealth?
In order for me to have ‘spiritual wealth’ from a career in being a SAHM, I’d need my husband to have financial wealth. Could we both have ‘spiritual wealth’ without them having to rely on other peoples hard earned money (taxes)? Nope.

So I agree, a SAHM is a worthwhile job that I would never judge anyone for choosing, but career it is not and talk of ‘spiritual wealth’ is frustrating for those of us who have to work, when we’d really prefer not to.

VettiyaIruken · 26/09/2020 10:28

Are you sure?

"I resent my partner that I won't have the career I want because he won't move as he wants to remain close to his DC."

Wearywithteens · 26/09/2020 10:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

VettiyaIruken · 26/09/2020 10:33

Odd. Quote didn't work.

I was replying to this -She absolutely did not say this

Sunnydaysstillhere · 26/09/2020 10:40

I was going to say if it did he doesn't get to call the shots on op's job... He still doesn't anyway op. And also my ds didn't leave home until he was 25. At 18 your dp isn't going to wave his dc goodbye as he moves away...

Tornonafriday · 26/09/2020 10:43

No o don't think that and that's why I'm retraining. I applied for a PGCE but got turned down (I'm glad though definitely not the career for me). He's still deciding if he'll retrain or not.

I'm happy with my life sort from the job situation. I hadn't had one of this "flares" in more than 4 months and even now don't feel bad about it.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 26/09/2020 10:47

Do you have another child other than your 1yo from prev relationship?

Plentyofshit · 26/09/2020 10:58

@DBML that’s not what I said at all. I’m saying in many families, one parent provides mainly the financial career - and one parent provides mainly the parenting career. The importance of the financial career should not outweigh the parenting career if the family has food/shelter/warmth. The pursuit of material wealth does not equate to happiness.

pippiphooray1 · 26/09/2020 11:11

@Tornonafriday I think posters are picking up on your phrasing here and giving you a hard time for things that are ridiculous. This isn’t AIBU, but I wanted today that YANBU to have these feelings. It’s a very tough situation for you.

In the grand scheme of life, 8 years is not a lot - but you have no guarantee that he will move at that point, and your own dc might not want/be able to at that point.

Saying that 8 years is nothing is also discounting the fact that these might be the crucial 8 years of career building for you. How far would you have to move to get the job that you want?

This is very hard for you. The resentment could very easily eat you up and make things difficult in the long run. His reasons for staying are equally as valid as your reasons for wanting to go. If he is not ambitious, he may not empathise with you for being so.

I think you have to think long and hard about this. I don’t think you should rely on being able to move in 8 years, so what can you bear from this current life?

gingerbeerandlemonade · 26/09/2020 11:12

@Ullupullu so I did! 😳 whoops.

Codexdivinchi · 26/09/2020 16:03

Plentyofshit if you and your husband have convinced yourself that’s it’s a career looking after your own children then rock on. In RL most people see it for what it is - staying at home being a house wife. Maybe the pill was easier to swallow dressed up as a ‘career’

Something I will utterly not advocate for my dds. I want so much more for them. They have a brain - they will use it.

rorosemary · 26/09/2020 16:49

It sounds to me like you're letting him make the final decisions. He doesn't want to move, he doesn't want to SAHP, he doesn't want to do a LDR if you choose to work away during the week. Why does he get to decide these things? Why does that mean that you have to stay? You already resent him. Choose the life that you want, it's up to him if he dumps you or not. It doesn't sound like deep love to me if he won't do LDR. His choice, his loss. Choose your path, he either figures something out together with you or he misses out.

Gigglr · 26/09/2020 16:56

Ting a court is highly unlikely to let her move 2 hours away if he contested the move because of the baby.

Plentyofshit · 26/09/2020 17:27

@Codexdivinchi I’m gobsmacked by your comment. You’ve implied that you don’t have to use your brain to be a parent. You’ve completely devalued an essential role. You’ve also - very sexistly - attributed that role to your DD’s. A comment like that is only going to confirm my stance.

XiCi · 26/09/2020 17:35

Plenty of shit if you and your husband have convinced yourself that’s it’s a career looking after your own children then rock on. In RL most people see it for what it is - staying at home being a house wife. Maybe the pill was easier to swallow dressed up as a ‘career’

Something I will utterly not advocate for my dds. I want so much more for them. They have a brain - they will use it

Was thinking exactly this. Wonder how many men could be persuaded this a career? Being financially dependent on someone else is never a good idea. A quick look at the relationship board will let you know how this often pans out. If the relationship breaks down and you find yourself having to find a job after 10 years of looking after children you may find that your 'career' does not help you much in the open job market.

Plentyofshit · 26/09/2020 17:43

@XiCi I think it’s wrong that the role of parenting is so devalued that either a man/woman does not see this as a worthwhile job. Why is it seen as a brainless career and not something to aspire to?

XiCi · 26/09/2020 17:52

Is that honestly what you want for your own children Plentyofshit? To have children and stay home with them?

Plentyofshit · 26/09/2020 17:58

@XiCi If they decide they want to have children - yes!! Either themselves or their partner. I’m genuinely shocked that people think this is a worthless choice.

12309845653ghydrvj · 26/09/2020 18:01

[quote Plentyofshit]@XiCi I think it’s wrong that the role of parenting is so devalued that either a man/woman does not see this as a worthwhile job. Why is it seen as a brainless career and not something to aspire to?[/quote]
It. Is. Not. A. Job.

Be a SAHM, nobody here is attacking you for that. But stop insulting our intelligence.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 26/09/2020 18:02

[quote Plentyofshit]@XiCi I think it’s wrong that the role of parenting is so devalued that either a man/woman does not see this as a worthwhile job. Why is it seen as a brainless career and not something to aspire to?[/quote]
A "career" is one's method of personally accruing value from capitalism. Parenting is an important activity but it isn't a career. It benefits the children, primarily, usually at the monetary expense of the parent.

In the context of an unmarried woman sacrificing her earning potential to benefit said children, it's a bit evil to conflate "career" and "parenting" tbh. Mothers are people too. We also deserve straight talk about how vulnerable we are making ourselves when we opt out of the job market. An unmarried woman who finds herself on her arse with no money can't take her parenting "work experience" anywhere, she's just plain fucked then.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 26/09/2020 18:14

[quote Plentyofshit]@XiCi If they decide they want to have children - yes!! Either themselves or their partner. I’m genuinely shocked that people think this is a worthless choice.[/quote]
Well, if you haven't had the means to pay your NI contributions then it is indeed pretty worthless come pension time.

I also thought OP had another child.

Maybe just me.

Plentyofshit · 26/09/2020 18:23

It. Is. A. Job. It. Is. A. Career. Look up the definition of both and tell me where it doesn’t fit. Parenting has given me more mental/physical/emotional experience than my previous job. And more challenges - and more fulfilment.