I don't think I can wait 8 years one this.

[Tornonafriday]

I'm very career driven. DP not so much. ATM were living in the west country with next to no job opportunities for me. I'm massively underemployed and as much as try not to think about it every now and then it comes back and I hate it. I resent my partner that I won't have the career I want because he won't move as he wants to remain close to his DC.

So he said he's happy to move up to o0 minutes away from where you are now. That gives you quite a wide search area, surely?

If you hadnt had a child the solution to your problem would be obvious. That option is still there if you are happy to be a single parent.

up to 90

Nearly all jobs at your level seem to be offering remote working as standard now op. Start job hunting again properly.

I thought you had 10 year old dc as well as 1 yo from a previous relationship?

@gingerbeerandlemonade Exeter is very definitely not in Essex. You misread

You might find that during and post Covid it will be easier to find employers who will accept a much higher degree of home working. We are talking about only having one day in the office per week in the "new normal" - right now we are 100% at home. Haven't seen the inside of the office in 6 months.

So that might solve your working problem but leave you with a husband who doesn't flex with you and wants it to always be his way. I can't disagree with him wanting to be near his kids, but he should consider your other options like a Mon-Fri commute and not chip away at you for exploring work options because he feels threatened by it.

Like Ullupullu said, I'm pretty sure you'll find there's much more remote working available now. Also, have you looked at charity jobs? They tend to offer more home working and don't pay badly.
That's if you're happy with your current living situation of course...

Hi OP. Your issue is age old. Women stuck in unfulfilling life because dh/dp has X,Y,Z reasons for not letting her progress. Try not let any resentment fall on his kids though. It’s not there fault.

From experience don’t sacrifice you for the benefit of a man. Nobody is worth that.

You move if you want to - if he doesn’t want to that’s on him - not you.

I did look at charity jobs at some point. I just started looking again as was happy with the status quo but then something happened at work that made me look again.

I'll start proper job hunting again and see what I can find, I'm in no rush.

I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting it all and I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting you partner to support you either. I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting what you want full stop. However, I think the same applies to your partner. I dont think there is anything wrong that he wants his family near to him.

I wouldnt be putting my hope on 8 years time either though. You are missing one thing, your own child. Who will be 9 by then, in primary school, will have friends and family that they wont want to leave.

You really need to decide on what you want. I agree that due to the Covid situation there will be lots more flexible working arrangements around now for the right people.

If you're partner has offered to move, then take him up on it if you hate where you live. 90 minutes must offer some decent options. I'd think seriously about your future and where it is going before your baby starts school and starts their own lives that you may not want to uproot.

corporate life, flying for work across the globe, business cards, board meetings

No one in corporate life is living that way at the moment. Some really missing it, most of us very very glad that we don't have to get up impossibly early to catch a plane etc

Lots that was always considered essential to meet in person has turned out to be entirely possible via teleconference.

WFH, or rather a hybrid of office & home working is the new way forward. I would encourage you to apply as a project manager in these conditions. Look for organisations in IT/Telecomms/Finance corporates who have the infrastructure required for well supported WFH.

Good luck.

p.s. marriage protects the financially weaker partner. Sounds as if that might not be you.

pps Tolstoy was wrong, no one can make anyone else happy, however they try.

How come you ended up in the West Country in the first place?

Are there any jobs in Exeter so you could commute? I assume London is a very different place at the moment, and many high flying jobs will be based at home.

@Idontgiveagriffindamn in what way is it not a career? I would say the career of parenting is always the family priority. If this can be achieved best with one parent working - or two parents working then great. If not, then one parent needs to prioritise their parenting career over their working career.

@Plentyofshit it’s not a career. It’s very important be imo definitely not a career. But clearly we’ll have to differ on this.
If I wanted advice on what to do with my career and some suggested being a parent I’d think it was a ridiculous suggestion.
I feel like I’ve derailed the thread slightly and apologise the the OP

@Idontgiveagriffindamn I completely disagree with you, and you haven’t really explained why it’s not a career. Becoming parents is absolutely our most rewarding job - DP and I agree wholeheartedly on this. I won’t comment further either, sorry OP.

If you were massively career driven, you’d be achieving right now.

DP or DH?

If DP, and you have no children together, just move on. You can't expect him to sacrifice proximity to his children, but nor should you compromise your own career goals for someone. The relationship is asking too much of you, or should I say more than you're willing to give. Which is not a criticism; that perfectly right. Do what will make you happy and fulfilled long term.

His children will always come first (as they should). You should move and get your own place, you can go visit him on wknds?

I'm seeing the tide turning against remote working currently. Everyone jumped on the bandwagon (especially on MN) then many people realised it was inefficient (great for you, extra work for other people) and for many rather lonely, though some home working is more accepted now (a day or two a week). Some sectors are fine (IT) some are not. I deal with export managers and agents and they want meetings not fucking zoom.

Depending on where you live being within commuting distance of Bristol could work with one or two overnights there. Or there are pockets of wealth dotted around where your career could work very well surely? Perhaps identify which companies are likely suspects and target them rather than applying for advertised jobs? Linked in is great for that. If you're willing to work in their offices etc you will open up opportunities as they will have staff refusing to and will be looking to shed them.

I don't blame you for not wanting to give up your career for a £19k job. What if you split and are earning that as a single mum? It's all very well for him to not care about money or living in a nice area but it makes you vulnerable. Then his children grow up and you split and are poor from your 50s on.

If he's a SAHD and you split you'll be bankrolling him. If you marry him and get your career going you'll split half of everything maybe more and be paying him to be an un ambitious man. So no wedding. That's very much not a good move.

You could fundamentally be incompatible. He sounds selfish and you are on different paths. Most men do not appreciate wives who put earn them unless they are a bit cock lodger-y. What will life look like if you stay vs split? Write the options down and then pick one (with a possible split factored in). So far we have -

• stay together, move somewhere 90 mins away you prefer that you pay for, he works his low paid job, and you have a rewarding career albeit with a lot of commuting. Likely he will be resentful, get PA and you may not last.
• stay there and live in an area you hate on a low income. Not really an option is it? But what if you do?
• stay there and find a good job that takes you away a lot. You may then end up with a jealous husband/bf who resents you having a better job than him. But is at least living where he wants. Will it work?
• you and baby move to an area you can work, he visits/has shared custody and you have to pay for other childcare (not much change after living expenses out of £75k). You may at least meet someone more on your level though so it could become wonderful overnight.

As ever it's all about what suits the man. So take a good long look at him and try and work out if he's really worth it and what will happen if it goes tits up, his ex is an ex for a reason.

Being a parent is not a career FFS. All of us who have children are parents regardless of whether we work outside of the home or not. Does that mean everyone who does has two careers?
DP and I agree wholeheartedly on this Is bringing up children your DPs sole 'career' as well?

Does your wage contribute to his Cms?

[quote Plentyofshit]@Idontgiveagriffindamn in what way is it not a career? I would say the career of parenting is always the family priority. If this can be achieved best with one parent working - or two parents working then great. If not, then one parent needs to prioritise their parenting career over their working career.[/quote]
Being a SAHP is not a career - it’s an obligation. There is no wages, no holiday or sick pay, no promotions for hard work and absolutely no pension at the end of it.

I was a SAHM for seven years. It’s definitely not a career.

Some women thrive of it - for others it suffocates them.

@Sunnydaysstillhere

Does your wage contribute to his Cms?

Why should it? She is not the parent of his two other children.

I’m sorry OP but you made a decision to get with him, and then you made it more inextricable by having a child with him, when you know your situations are incompatible and he quite rightly is refusing to leave his children for you. It doesn’t sound like he’s ever actually said he would move. I appreciate that none of this is actually helpful for knowing what to do next—beyond possibly making it clear that you need to stop going further down this path. You say you’re planning on marrying him soon—why would you do this? You are incompatible and not happy, having a baby compounded the situation, now you’re doing it again?

From what you’ve described as your career area it doesn’t sound like something corporate that has to be in London anyway? I’m sure there are lots of roles like that across the country. The wages for that role in londkn will be higher, but offset by everything else being more expensive. 75k in London doesn’t mean you’re rolling in it, if you were earning 45k in the most parts of the midlands it would be comparable in real terms.

You say your current role is 19k—surely you can get a role at your level of seniority within a 2 hour commute that pays decently if not extravagantly? You were offered one job at 75k once, that’s a big difference to expecting that you’ll be definitely getting that at the moment. What are similar roles advertised at in Manchester, for example?

Being a SAHP is not a career - it’s an obligation. There is no wages, no holiday or sick pay, no promotions for hard work and absolutely no pension at the end of it.

So sorry - I’ve got to come back. No dictionary definition of career includes wages, financial gains etc. And it’s this that makes me so sad. Covid/the depletion of our natural world means there should be a huge shift from material wealth to spiritual wealth. If you have enough to live, enough for your food/shelter/warmth, are two working careers so much more important than the career of parenting? It ABSOLUTELY IS a career to parents. There is no argument against it here that I’ve read to say it’s not.