I don't think I can wait 8 years one this.

[Tornonafriday]

I'm very career driven. DP not so much. ATM were living in the west country with next to no job opportunities for me. I'm massively underemployed and as much as try not to think about it every now and then it comes back and I hate it. I resent my partner that I won't have the career I want because he won't move as he wants to remain close to his DC.

To value your life primarily from what you achieve in monetary terms is wrong.

FFS this is the kind of crap that people laugh about Mumsnet women probably saying.

You’re a SAHM mom and happy with that, that’s great. However you’re making yourself look a bit silly with this—your husband is happy to agree with you that’s it’s a career, that’s great but the rest of us don’t have to indulge.

@Plentyofshit

To value your life primarily from what you achieve in monetary terms is wrong.

To you. That's your opinion. Kind of hard to have 'spiritual' whatever the fuck and whatnot when you're utterly brassic - poverty's pretty miserable. So to stay home with a kid, someone has to go out and make some money.

And again, not enough NI contributions come pension time, no, thanks.

@12309845653ghydrvj I haven’t stated my gender or sexual orientation. So I think your comment represents ‘crap’ that people laugh about more so.

@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd If you are that invested, you will notice that I mentioned earlier in my comments that if basic needs for the children are not met, then both parents should work to provide food/shelter/warmth.

@Plentyofshit

To value your life primarily from what you achieve in monetary terms is wrong.

It's not about valuing your life based on monetary gain. It's about having the basic ability to survive in the world even if your partner dumps you unexpectedly.

Maslow's hierarchy of need and all that.

You can sniff at people who need to think about money and tell them they value the "wrong" thing, should you so wish. Just realise it makes you seem a bit out of touch. If I had bowed to my dh wish for me to be a sahm and his insistence that being a mother was the world's most important "career", I would still be in an abusive marriage...

I’m afraid I think once you decide to become a mother/father - it is the most important career. I still want a good argument for why it is not?

I think you need to think hard about how you feel about where you live, quite separate from the job issue. Then also think about how you feel about him.
Then if you still like him then you need to discuss how unhelpful his remarks were.

And on another tack I know a lot of Civil service departments are experimenting with "location free" recruitment, and some London based big corporations are encouraging a lot more home-working although those jobs are easier if you already work for them.

Op where are you looking?! Aren't there lots of wfh opportunities now where you commute in once a week if that or the stay the night during the week?

exeter to London is doable!

@Plentyofshit

I’m afraid I think once you decide to become a mother/father - it is the most important career. I still want a good argument for why it is not?

Because very few children need the full time attention of one human being once they are out of toddlerhood - the village is the better parent. Thats why schools exist, because most parents can't quite manage on their own.

And no child benefits from a parent financially fucking herself over, possibly for life, for the imagined benefits of having a "full time mummy". My mother did this. I now have to support her. I dont thank her for her sacrifice, she wasn't great at her "mummy career" and my occasional babysitter was a much better influence on me over my lifespan so far.

There is no noble, pure, best way to parent. You just do the best with the circs you find yourself in. For most women, maintaining employability in a paid role is probably a very good bet.

amen @WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

My mum worked throughout my childhood, despite separating from father since they are both in an excellent place financially, in work and in life. She didn’t lose her identity, and is able to confinue as a university professor rather than seek any old role. She’s a role model for being a capable, adult woman—and paid someone else to clean our house. She would have had nothing to do all day after I’d turned 5.

Be a SAHM if you want, nobody else is trying to have an argument about the merits. But knocking people for wanting to be more than a cleaner/ driver—and have the security to do what they want in life— is hilarious.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC I can’t quite believe I’m reading what I’m reading. Children need someone to put their needs first and foremost. In our family unit, DP and I both have working careers, but mine is more conducive to parenting. So I will gradually resume this role as our children need me less. But their needs come first. If I worked too, we would have more material wealth (bigger house, better car, luxury goods/holidays) but I don’t think this is more valuable than my role as a parent. So I would forego all this. I’d rather just have a very basic lifestyle and be the best parent possible to my children.

What about Bristol? If you could find a good job there, maybe one that allows you to do a mixture of working in the office and working from home, perhaps you could commute there from Exeter?

How often does your partner have his children, is it 50/50 contact or a different arrangement?

I know wealthy SAHMs, and it’s great “work” if you can get it—all of them have cleaners, gardeners etc and spend their time doing hobbies.

This is of course totally different to people taking a few years out for financial reasons, or when there are caring responsibilities. But otherwise there’s a reason the state doesn’t pay for it—because a school/group childminding, plus a cleaner and a few takeaway dinners, does the same thing.

[quote Plentyofshit]@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC I can’t quite believe I’m reading what I’m reading. Children need someone to put their needs first and foremost. In our family unit, DP and I both have working careers, but mine is more conducive to parenting. So I will gradually resume this role as our children need me less. But their needs come first. If I worked too, we would have more material wealth (bigger house, better car, luxury goods/holidays) but I don’t think this is more valuable than my role as a parent. So I would forego all this. I’d rather just have a very basic lifestyle and be the best parent possible to my children.[/quote]
Some people can't afford to give their kids a basic lifestyle without being employed. I certainly can't. Its not really brain surgery.

Having a job or working away doesn't mean the kids don't come first. Neither does being a sahm mean the kids do come first.

For the op, she wants a better paid job that fulfills her... that doesn't mean she doesn't put the children first.

You can be outraged about that, but nothing you've said offers a rebuttal really. Sounds like you have a well paid dh and can afford to work less, good for you. I certainly don't have that luxury, and the OP may have a whole lot of things in her life that cause her to place a value on her career - things that you have no knowledge of.

@12309845653ghydrvj Sounds to be like your mum completely valued her role as a parent when you were young. And then had an excellent career to provide for you once you were in school. Sounds like she put your needs first, ensured you had a clean house, and we’re well provided for in a difficult situation. I’m not dissing that at all.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC No! I’ve repeated so many times! Children need food/shelter/warmth and if a parent needs to work to provide this for their children then that is the priority - single parent - or both parents working.

[quote Plentyofshit]@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC No! I’ve repeated so many times! Children need food/shelter/warmth and if a parent needs to work to provide this for their children then that is the priority - single parent - or both parents working.[/quote]
Ok so whats your argument then? You've judged the ops situation and are letting her know she should be satisfied with her current job?

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC My argument is that - and I think I stated this right at the start - if your children have food/shelter/warmth/access to good education/healthcare - then - up until the age where they become more independent - one parent should prioritise the needs of the children, and see this as an important and valuable career.

How active is he in his DC lives now?
How did you meet someone who lives so far away?

I get the feeling things are OK as long as he gets his way.
It doesn't seem he supports you as a person with their own wants and dreams.

I don't blame him for wanting to stay close to his dc. However you should have known moving was never an option.

My Dm moved the other side of the world for a man. His dc were teens we were early 20's so she moved but on the understanding when he retired they would live 6 months here and 6 months there. He us 70 now and that isn't happening.

Do what makes you happy. If that is him and your dc then stay. If its a career then do that.

I don’t feel “prioritising the needs of the DC” actually helps the children or is something they actually need in the vast majority of cases. As a child, I valued having a mother who set an image of what women could achieve, and a father similarly achieving great things.

Why should someone have to put their life on hold for the children, and why should they have to be satisfied by that? It’s a bit 19th century to me.

@12309845653ghydrvj completely don’t see why it’s ‘life on hold’. Surely it’s one of the most joyous, amazing things you can do in life! And I would say you are absolutely the most important thing to your parents, not their careers. They sound like wonderful people btw, you write about them with a lot of pride.

And I would want my DS and DD to say the same about me - that I love them both more than my career.